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How to reinvent myself....
June 21, 2006
9:39 am
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bowlinggreen
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I'm moving far away from my home in a few weeks and even though it will be a fresh start, I know that I always take myself with me. You can't run away from yourself.

Basically, I've been dating the same guy for five or so years, and he's been living with someone else the whole time. It was just so hard to find a man who I could talk to and be myself with and I needed a rest from the usual routine which was, get to know a guy, trust that he cares about me, find out he only cares about blowing his load, and breaking up. This guy was great. He used to talk to me too!! Not just blow his load!!

I know that having a woman's body to masturbate with is very important for a man (I use that expression because it took me a long time to figure out that for men, it's not about love!!).... for them, sex seems to be more like a bowel movement. They just need to pass some bodily substances and get relief, it's not pesonal, and it has very little to do with their partner.

I'm trying to envision a future for myself. I'm in my late 30s and I don't want to grow old alone. I don't have enough money to hire someone to grow old with, and I would never insult a man by trying to date one because I know that I could never fulfill his fantasy and become a hot porn star type girlfriend with amazing knockers who loves being abused. Besides, at my age, most men would consider me 'disfigured by the aging process', and would only be interested in me to relieve themselves until they can find someone younger and hotter. I'm not talking myself down, I just understand these things about men. It's just the way it is.

Aside from hiring someone to grow old with, what else could possibly be a solution? I'd prefer not to have to kill myself because it's illegal, and if a man writes a law it's my duty to obey it.

June 21, 2006
10:06 am
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whidbey
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Oh sweetie,

It sounds like you've really been used and abuse. However, not all men are the way you described. There ARE good men out there and not all feel the way about sex in the way you described; just the one you were involved with last (like many of us have been).

Please don't be so hard on yourself. I think this move is a golden opportunity for you to not only start afresh in your life, but also to take some time in finding out who YOU are, perhaps find out why you've made some of the choices you have made in the past, etc.

It seems you are having some passive thoughts about suicide, though would not actually take action on it. However, these is a huge sign of a serious depression, and I think it might be very worthwhile to find yourself a good counselor once you get settled in your new place. Self-discovery can be a wonderful thing, especially in this time of your life. Take the journey, bowlinggreen, and find out who that wonderful person is who is locked up inside of you right now.

June 21, 2006
11:03 am
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revelation
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Hello There...please see my post in the No contact thread re book recommendations. Sounds like you need to start working on your self-esteem and positive self-thinking, get some of the books I mentioned and start reading!

June 21, 2006
11:13 am
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bowlinggreen
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I don't feel that my self esteem is low, I just feel that I live in a culture where, for some reason I can't quite understand, it's important for men to treat women like crap. It's a cultural reality. You know in some countries they practice female circumcision as a way of controlling women and their sexuality, but I wouldn't necessarily recommend that the woman who was harmed in this way go to therapy, because it's the culture that is the problem.

I feel that the problem is really the culture that I am in, and not me. I know that I am a divine child of God (or sacred person) but I also understand that it is highly unlikely that anyone who may be a possible partner to me would ever see it, because men especially are trained to look for the physically atrractive, drop-dead gorgeous sex-pot porn-o-mama and to be blind to the spiritual aspects of a person.

June 21, 2006
11:22 am
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whidbey
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Bg,

I do agree that, in our society, a lot of emphasis is placed on the exterior, but I do know for a fact that there are many, many men out there who do not subscribe to that outlook or belief. And while culture can have a huge impact on its population, I also believe that people are unique individuals, men and women alike, and thus, I try not to make generalizations.

I really hope you find what you are looking for within yourself as you begin this new journey. 🙂

June 21, 2006
11:33 am
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Dear bowlinggreen,

I would like to offer you a hug, if that's OK with you. (((bowlinggreen))) I hear so much pain in what you write. I do share very much your perspective on our f*cked up culture, yet I have found a way to not be overwhelmed with outrage every minute of every day. I hope you can find that too, and I hope you can meet some men who are more human than "masculine" by standards of our culture.

Even though my former bf dumped me because he couldn't handle intimacy, I see him as a very human person and one gift he gave me was to appreciate my body which is quite a ways outside the beauty standard. I also have two very close girlfriends who are partnered with truly sensitive, caring men and that gives me hope. I know from what they tell me that it really is possible to find a man who can make love, not just have sex (or "masturbate with a woman's body" as you put it, which I also have experienced). I know a few other men like that, come to think of it.

I wish you success in finding some of these gems as you move ahead to envision that future for yourself. I think you're liable to come across them if you get involved in certain causes that might attract them. (probably the same causes that attract you!)

All the best to you. I hope you'll keep us posted on how things go during and after your move.

June 21, 2006
11:36 am
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bowlinggreen
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Thank you Whidbey for your kind words.

June 21, 2006
11:39 am
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bowlinggreen
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Ah Kroika, we meet again.
Nice to hear from you again, and I thank you too for your kind words.

I think my problem is that I carry around so much rage and sadness over this issue that on some level I want to rip a guys balls off, force them down his throat, watch him to shit it out and then feed it to his sons while he watches.

When you're carrying around feelings like that, people can sense it, even if all you do is smile and say hello.

June 21, 2006
12:22 pm
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BG, I think you are very right that people can sense such seething rage and hostility. At least you are aware that you have it - that's a very good first step!

I need to log off and go get some sleep as I worked all night and it was fairly busy. But just wanted to reply to you again since I saw your reply to me.

You had mentioned on "that other thread" that you have read some of Robert Jensen's stuff. Have you read any of his other stuff beyond his critiques of pornography? He writes such amazingly incisive pieces. He wrote an essay a few years ago called "Critical Hope: Radical Citizenship in Reactionary Times" which I can try to post a link for if you haven't read it.

You have such strong energy and such a clear wish for things to be much better for people in this world. I do hope so much that you can channel that energy to making positive changes in the world, rather than have it burn you up and consume you from inside.

Look forward to talking more later -- must sleep now!

yours for enlightened and mutually celebratory sexuality, kroika

June 21, 2006
12:42 pm
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bowlinggreen
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You're cool Kroika... I will look up that Robert Jensen piece. I'm sure I can find it online.

You know, I should probably just write to Robert Jensen. I know that his work has touched me and it's important that folks lke him know that he has touched people in a positive way.
K.

June 21, 2006
11:15 pm
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Hi BG]]

Thanks for the compliment! *blush*

I've been meaning to write to him too, since "that other thread". If you have any trouble finding that article, what the hey, I can post the whole dang thing on this thread for you. It's long but very good reading, and others might find it inspiring too.

I found it Published on Monday, December 17, 2001 on Common Dreams, so if you go to http://www.commondreams.org and scroll through their archives you might find it.

Wow. I just had a look at his website... *lots* of reading to strengthen your heart for living in these times. Weird though, I can't find that article. Will have to look again later when I can take more time. But the link to the index page of his website is

http://uts.cc.utexas.edu/%7Erj.....icles.html

Happy reading! I have to dash but look forward to talking more with you sometime.

take care, (((bowlinggreen))
kroika

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