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how to move on...
April 11, 2001
2:16 pm
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MELBANK
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hi i am new here and really don't know where to start or how to start but i have being reading the post and find it very enlightning. I found this website when i was searching to find a counseller to see if i actually needs counseling or it is just in my head. I just came through a divorce from a marriage of 8 years and a relationship of 11 years, and i don't know how to move on or even accept what happen, does anyone have any advice for me, i did not want the divorce but i did not argue about it either.

April 11, 2001
7:49 pm
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janes
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Well.....it takes time and lots of it.

If you didn't fight the idea of a divorce maybe you knew it was for the best.

If you get really bugged by it all there lots here to help and you can always look in your local yellow pages for counselors if you feel you need face to face.

Take time for you and learn about yourslef. This is really important. Don't fill your empty time with others. RElearn you...by yourself......

Good luck.

April 11, 2001
8:38 pm
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MELBANK
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thanks janes, i have never being to a counseler and i would not know where to begin, i guess the breaking up was a little sudden one minute we went away on vacation the next we are divorce in the space of 6 months, i try not to let anyone knows so i go about even at my job as though nothing wrong is going on it my life, i cried only when i put my children to bed. I don't know how to tell my family about the divorce either and i never talk to anyone as to why we got divorce alot of friends who knows we are divorce is shocked we started dating with me 18 and him 19, well let me not ramble anymore i really don't talk much about this but i feel that i should.

April 11, 2001
9:23 pm
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Molly
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After shock!! keep talking, and do go to a counselor, your world has been turned upside down, and you just got it. Shame is what keeps us silent, and what is the shame all about. Where is she, why the divorce, who has the children? Are you passive in all aspects of your life, this could be a clue. This is a good place to vent, a good place to start, just ramble on, we are used to it, and do it our selves. Is it really final, or just in the process, believe me with children involved, its never to late to start over, or to figure out the what happened, or didn't happen. hear of the 7 year itch? Sometimes it takes longer, marriage is a ride and a half, most of it is not all its cracked up to be and today damn hard to hold on to. But for now, exercise, eat right, talk through this and don't isolate. Love your kids, they are confused too.

April 11, 2001
9:35 pm
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MELBANK
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Hi Molly i have the children and as for the reason for the divorce i made a promise not to mention the reason, but somehow i feel i won't get help unless i do, he and i still talk almost ever day and he still trys to control what i do or who i talk to, I do not have alot of self confidence but i have lerned to build it up a little during the years, i don't have any close friends to talk to even though i am considered friendly i speak with anyone and everyone , i love my children dearly they know that we were separated but notthat we are divorce i am not sure how to say it to them they are 9 and 6 plus i am afraid they might tell my mom before i have a chance to tell her, the divorce is final it became final last week, i somtimes don't know how i feel or how to feel i hate feeling like this i feel i am lost and i don't thin i am dealingwith it the right way, i don't know what to call a counseler and say i am very afraid of making mistakes.

April 13, 2001
3:21 pm
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deeturner
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melbank hi this is deeturner i never been married but i have been in this relationship with this guy like were married and let me tell you something i feel the same way you do cause he tries to control every move i do.i dont have kids by him but i do have children,i have been with him for 2 years at first things were great then they started to get bad then good it was off and on thing. i love this guy but part off me hates him because of the things he do.i want to end this relationship in a way but part of me stays i know its my fault for putting up with it.when i go somewhere and gone for to long he would accuse me of cheating on him,but when i was working he also accuse me of sleeping with a guy at work there is no possible way you can sleep with anyone at the place i worked cause there is cameras every where you go and believe me there is no one i was interested in at work, i cant take the bull no more, he said i need to get help because im physco and i told him yeah i probably do because i am stupid for being with you.we get into alot arguements. i wish i could meet someone else to talk to in person that knows where i am coming from i have been to counseling before and in a way it helps but sometimes i dont feel comfortable to talk to a counselor about my situation i rather talk to a good friend and get advise ,the only thing my boyfriend has done thats good is he took me in when my family was not there when my 4 year old which is 5 now had lead poisiong from the place i lived in but it has been hell living with him cause he likes to complain alot about stupid stuff. i would give you my email address but this is his computer and he reads everything sorry. maybe after we talk more i might give you my post box number and you can write me if you want but thats up to you.i know the feeling about men when they try to control who you talk to,cause my man dont like any of my friends so i dont talk to my friends hardly especially when he is not here.i dont understand why he dont like my friends cause its not like we go out to drink cause i have been clean from achocol for 2 years now and never did any drugs or smoke cigeretts,im not perfect but i just was not interested in smoking or doing drugs.i use to drink but been clean for 2 years. well i got to go for now but i will be back again any one that wants to respond to this is more than welcome thank you

April 14, 2001
4:16 pm
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MELBANK
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Hi deerturner, i will give you my e-mail address if you want to send me an e-amil i know you said it is his e-mail then i could give you my number i don't know where you are in what state but my work number is a 800, my e-mail address is [email protected]. I sometimes don't know why we keep holding on when there is nothing there to hold onto, scared i think of the unknown, but until we let go we will always be scared, i know how youare feeling and i know basically what you are going through it is hard to discuss sometimes with family or friends because they don't seem to understand the first thing they say is leave unfortunately they don'trealize it is a little hard, but it is somethingwe must do or try to do because afterall we are not happy in the situation we are in, how much happier would we be out of it, well we won't know until we try, sometimes as hard as it is i am trying to let go give it to God and look after my children because after all what choices do we have, let us try to leave them to the Lord. I am now divorce as i mention and all these chages are hard i have being with him since i was 18 now i turned 30 two day ago and to start a life without him seems unthinkable, but it is a road unfortunately i have to take. E-mail me if you want and we can talk more maybe we can help each other or anyone on reading who shares our problem, we are divorce but he still wants his say in everything.

April 18, 2001
2:29 am
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kay
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hi melbank how are you,im hanging in there.thank you for responding back,i cant give you his email cause he reads all e-mail.i live in michigan and sometimes i wish i didnt live here but i am.i think i know why i stay with this man cause he is the only one in my life that cares at some point cause my family is not around anymore they all move far i keep in touch with my grandma but as for my mom and sisters thats hard to cause when i do cal them i ask them to call back and they say ok but they never do im making the effort to keep in touch but they are not so i think im with my boyfriend cause he is the only one that will bend over backwards for me and my kids and even though these are not his kids.im going through a rough time with my 2 boys dad right now. he fight me in court for a year for visitation and at first i wouldnt let it happen because of his violent temper and drinkingand drug problem so he never came around until last year to fight me in court and i finally told the judge i will let him see the kids on my terms and he sgreed to my terms.and then he did come around for about a month and half every other weekend,then he would call and cancel or does not show or call.the last time he saw them was a week before x-mas and has not come around since then he is not hurting me but he is hurting the kids and then my son told me when he came back from his dad the last time before xmas that he burned him on the theigh with a cigerette and believe me i wanted to hurt him but i didnt instead i took apicture of it.i went to take him back to court to tell the judge what happen and why i wanted visitation stopped or supervised and showed her the picture and she acted like she didnt care cause she would not stop the visitation.it hurts me that he did this to his son but it also hurts me that the judge didnt care either. melbank i will send you an e-mail but please dont e-mail me back cause he will read it and he will argue with me and im trying to avoid that until i get money saved so i can leave him but my post box will be on there for you so you can send it to me in the mail thank you for responding.any one that wants to respond to what i said is more than welcome thank you again..

April 18, 2001
2:32 am
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kay
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melbank the message i just sent is under kay i forgot to put deeturner instead sorry thank you

April 18, 2001
2:29 pm
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MELBANK
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hi deeturner, i am really sorry to hear all you are going through with your kids father, i know what you mean about him being there i am not from this country i came here because of him, i spend so much time devoting to him that i did not establish friendship with anyone, now i feel like i have being thrown to the wolves i guess, we never discuss divorce or breaking up it came out of the blues it was a shock still is and it is very hard adjusting to all the bills being single a a single mom and starting over look scary and to tell you the truth i am scared, now he is dating an it hurts i guess because i am thinking he moves on so fast, i wish i could get up tomorrw and find out that i don't care but i don't think so i am trying to find a way to tell my family but because they do not live here they won't find out as yet. I got your card it is beautiful i will write you tonight. I will talk to you soon and ayone wants to respond is welcome. Thanks to all.

April 21, 2001
11:00 pm
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deeturner
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melbank hello i understand what your going through even though i never been married but it feels like i have been cause i have been with him for years now.i would like to get married sometime in my life with a wonderful man that will be honest and respects me and loves me for me not my body or sex.and he has to accept my children cause no man will come between me and my kids my children are my life men come and go but my kids will always be with me,in a way i wonder why i stay with him,its not the sex maybe its because he treats me like no other man has, what im saying is that the men i have been with have abused me and hurt me and i am kind of use to the abuse cause my mom did it to me and my mom boyfriend did it to me cause i was listening to the music and doing homework cause i was still in high school and i was the only one that graduated from high school,and plus i will be going to college in 2 years after my 5 year old is in school full time to study computers and then be an machanic, see i know what i want in life but i wish i had a good man in my life to enjoy it with,anyways i better go and i will be talking to you later and im glad you like the card,and if you dont mind i would like to be your friend,soon as i get your letter i will write you back okay any one that wants to respond is more than welcome thank you..

April 23, 2001
9:20 pm
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MELBANK
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Hi deeturner being your friend would be a pleasure:)i use to read a lot about people being abuse but did not realize that i was and i think i am still in denial with that i do not talk about it to anyone and i guess it eats me up inside but i just don't know how to go about discussing it, it feels like i am betraying a trust/promise. I send you my work number it is an 800# you can call it when you get my letter which should be soon, i mailed it last week. I keep you in my prayers. If anyone have any suggestion or ideas how i go about talking about it without feeling guilty, i would appreciate it. Thanks

April 24, 2001
1:43 pm
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MELBANK
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Thanks dee i got your card...it did make me smile i needed it:)

April 24, 2001
2:26 pm
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deeturner
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melbank can i ask you a question are you a female or male the reason i wanted to know is because my boyfriend saw the cards i sent you and he thinks there is something going on,i keep telling him there is nothing but frienship.i love my boyfriend but sometimes he make me angry and sometimes i think its my fault not his,and the reason i wanted to know if your a female or male is because i dont want you to get the wrong ideal,i mean every one rel;ationship is not perfect and i know mine is not but i try so hard to make it work cause im tired of going through relationships please let me know thank you

April 24, 2001
7:22 pm
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MELBANK
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hi deeturner, i am female, sorry for the confusion,hope everything is ok, i do understand.

April 25, 2001
1:40 am
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deeturner
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melbank everything okay my boyfriend pulled your file and it and it showed that you are a male. my boyfriend saw the cards and he said they were romantic and that when he said you are male,things are real bad now he has been threatening me and telling me is taking me to court next week i have no clue why, he has gotten me worried and upset but i cant let him get me down,so i decided im going to move out next week he told me tonight he is gonna move his things out tomorrow with the cops here,i think this is the last straw i cant take it anymore,i love him but he dont love me anymore and i just found out from a friend that he has been talking this girl he use to date years ago and been buying her daughter things,but he saids he has not talk to her in awhile,i think he is lying to and i think he is cheating on me.i got one good news i got my job back that i have fired from and the union was fighting for me cause they fire me for the wrong thing but my union has told me today that they are giving me my job back so i start later this week.im not gonna be on the computer anymore after tonight cause my soon to be ex is moving out tommorrow and the computer is his.so anyone that wants to respond can send me mail in my p.o box i would like to keep in touch with anyone that responds to this,my p.o box is 924 wayne michigan 48184 under d.turner i apologize melbank for all the problems about my boyfriend is doing especially when he said your a male.i need a friend right about now after what im going through it tough leaving him cause we been together for 2 years.but i feel if it dont end it .he will put me in a early grave,and i dont want that cause i have my children that i love and will always be around so i guess as long as i have them i can get through anything i hope...well i got to go it was nice being in here talking about my felling and problems i wish i could of help anyone but i understand .like i said anyone wants to respond can send me a letter thank you and i will talk to you melbank real soon thankyou bye

April 25, 2001
9:07 am
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malaikau
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Dee and Mel,

I am employed by a Domestic Violence Shelter and do counseling there. The things the two of you are talking about with regard to control are "subtle" forms of abuse. I know it must be hard because no matter what you do you can't please a controllling partner. There is always something for (s)he to be angry about no matter how carefully you tiptoe across the eggshells.

Mel, your divorce is your business and if you want or need to discuss it with others that's your choice. Your ex has no right to tell you that you can't talk about it. I wonder what your ex is trying to hide, what is your ex so afraid of that they don't want anyone to know why they wanted the divorce? This sounds like a person who spends lots of time working on "Damage Control" trying to look good to everyone while working desperately to hide who they really are. Does this sound right?

Hope you both are doing well. I think it's good that you've established a bond where you can talk to and support one another.

Sincerely and Respectfully,

Mal

April 25, 2001
1:16 pm
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Molly
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Mel, sounds to me, like your on one hand trying to pretend that everything is ok, when your entire world has been turned upside down.
Admit out loud why the divorce. What ever it is, trying to keep secerets eventually catch up with us. It would do you good to get in touch with your feelings, be real. i know that you can't fall apart because of the children, but experience what you feel, or be prepared for the physical consequences. It is scarey, suddenly single, responsible for children, comming out of an "abusive" relationship, no family support, financial consequences, this is all STRESS. Start writing, put it all out there, naturally your going to feel something about the fact that he has started anew all ready, but a) that is a man, they need mommys, and b) that gives a clue as to his character, good ridance. I don't know your financial situation, but you do need help to get through all of these things, perhaps there is a womans group, or affordable counseling, get your own personal cheerleader. Don't fear shame, don't wear guilt, it feeds its self, and depression will follow. Shake the blues the best you can, love your children, and move on. Give your self some time, exercise, exercise, and eat right, sleep right, If your going to need to work, give your self as much time as you can to heal before you go out on interviews, you might do better by going to school, great place to lift your spirits, and meet people. Find positive environments, church, temple, parks, and don't think about the loss, hard, but possible.

April 27, 2001
2:36 pm
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MELBANK
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Molly you are right i am pretending that everything is ok, i don't know if i am ready to face the reality of the divorce or being a single mom and the bills i had chest pains and could not sleep. I have a wonderful family who cares for me but i still do not tell them about the divorce. I though i was doing everything possible to make the marriage work,i work full time and take care of the kids and the house i change everything about me to please him the way i dress my hair my walk(especially the way i dress) because his wife is suppose to look certain way, i had the looks and the body but i had to change the rest when i met him i was acceptable but then he got promoted and so i had to change, i change so much i don't know what i like anymore, so now i guess i am kinda loss because i have to find myself in the midts of this. I have a decent job and i go to church every sunday. Looking back at my marriage(which i try not to do too often) i probably overwhelm him with attention
and i made him my world. Now that we are divorce he calls everyday because he do not want me to be with anyone i think it is just in case he find that he makes i mistake i would still be there, but he is dating he keeps saying he do not want anyone around, the kids now i do not plan on taking anyone around my kids for now their world is already confuse. he calls me almost every night, he don't want me to love anyone like i did him. He knows how to manipulate me and i don't know how to stop that control he has over me.
malaikau- you are right i did everything to please him but there was always something i did not do, then there would be the yelling that i could not deal with and then a shove then it got worse, i made the promise because i think it would look bad on the kids and i don't want to spoil the image they have off him, they adore him and he does have his good points i guess i use the good and try to ignore the bad and i never admitted to myself that it was abuse and it is still hard for me to admit that, i feel that just typing this is betraying a promise but i also don't know how to get over it without talking about it. I would go to a countseler but i don't know where to start when i call them what do i say? I wrote deeturner hopefully i will hear from her, between us we might get some strength. Thanks to all who read and give me encouragement i was never able to talk about it before.

April 27, 2001
2:43 pm
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Kimberly Anne
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There are also counseling centers in churchs and in other places that offer help for poeple who are going or are divorced, and i think its free or they charge a small fee, and it would be a way to meet new people as well.

Counseling for me is just too expensive, even with insurance and many times what helps the best is being around others who are going through what you are and/or have been there.

Best Wishes to you!
Kimberly Anne

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