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How to Move From Here?
November 8, 2004
12:56 am
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skier6
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Tough day. Last night I had a fire in my little outdoor fireplace, determined to let my emotions settle and really try to feel what was there. What was there was terrible anguish. I cried Charlie's name and just felt horribly alone. I cried my eyes out. Stumbling off to bed, I dreamed about her. Dreamt I met her in some restaurant. No special thing happened (in the dream), but I woke up drained.
All this week I've been reading a book on co-dependency and some of it hits so hard it hurts. Alot of what people have told me circles my thoughts too: Don't look for love, it'll find you; It won't happen until you're ready; You need to love yourself first.......

I've put her name on my "buddy list" and taken it off 50 times. It infuriates me that she's out having a life, that I was a big part of her having the confidence in herself to....well, be able to use and discard me like tissue. I want to stop caring about someone who didn't care about me where it counted and I just can't. And I know (but can't seem to really believe) that if I get MY shit together this will all work out somehow. I believe in the sayings: Love yourself and people will find you loveable; Set boundaries and Don't settle; I deserve to be in a loving, committed realtionship; there really IS somebody out there who will appreciate me for just (and only) what I am; but I'm finding it so hard to move from the place I am- overwhelmed by the sorrow and really, really alone.

I'm dying to "Do the Work" but I just can't seem to find a toe-hold that will stick, a place to start from. I want the freakin' grief to stop but it sneaks up on me like a mugger and this has got to show. Somebody told me a couple weeks ago "Your face smiles but your eyes don't" and I just wanted to burst into tears. This wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't had it shown to me that I've done close to this same, stupid thing for 49 years. I'm SO good at what I do for a living (I fix things) and I can't do a damned thing for me. There are days when I wish I could be in therapy for 12 hours and I hate myself for just not picking it up and moving it forward. We're not supposed to feel pain in my family- we just do what needs to be done. Well, they're all dead now and I can't yell at them for the legacy they left me. And I don't want to blame them, either. I want some help, I want some comfort, I want a goddamned hug and I want to believe that this is going to stop hurting someday. I want a plan I can believe in and work because it shows a solution, an end to feeling like this. I want to love an amazing, extraordinary, special woman. I want my other half. And I want to love me, too. I want the feeling back of being the "Six-Million Dollar Man" and knowing life isn't easy, but it's good. I want it to stop feeling like crap.

November 8, 2004
1:00 am
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art angel
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Hi,
I'm sorry that you're hurting so much.... I can relate to some of what you're going through, although I'm a 22 yr old woman. here's a big (((HUG))) for you-

hugs and support,

art angel

November 8, 2004
1:25 am
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chasaphatty
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skier6

I'm not really one to give advice about relationships but I do know about heart ache and just cause you have a night where you break down and sob isn't always a bad things. It can actually be quite inpowering. Just when you do cry try to write how your feeling down and look back on it later when your letting that someone get to you. You might even look back and realize something about yourself you didn't know before. As for doing all the "work" take it one day at a time. Do the whole just for today I'm going to do something for me or just for today I'm going out of my way to try something new to better myself. Good luck and lots of hugs! Keep on keeping on!

November 8, 2004
2:13 am
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richardub40
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THIS IS MY FIRST TIME HERE,IAM A WAY WORSE CODEPENDENT PERSON THAN I EVER THOUGHT,MARRIED 7 TIMES,MULTIPLE AFFAIRS INBETWEEN,I AM 58 AND HAVE NOTHING TO SHOW FOR MY LIFE,BUT EMTY DREAMS AND RUINED LIVES.
I NEED SOME HELP!!!!!
MY LAST RELATIONSHIP WAS WITH A WOMAN WHO WAS MARRIED TO AN ALCHOLIC FOR 23 YEARS,SHE DIVORCED HIM AND LOW AND BEHOLD RAN SMACK INTO ME WHO REALLY OBLITERATED HER WITH LIES AND STORIES ABOUT MYSELF,SEEKING APPROVAL,NOT KNOWING HOW TO GET HERE FROM THERE.
WILL SOMEONE TRY TO ANSWER MY NEED FOR A REASON TO CONTINUE LIVING.

November 8, 2004
9:58 am
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starryslp
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Richard...Welcome!!!

I believe you have already taken the first step...admitting you have lied to gain approval. I really admire that. I lied to myself for a while about mistakes I made.

Believe me...you have a lot to live for.

I know it may not seem it, because recovery from an unhealthy mental state is hard. I am slowly working on myself...and it is hard...and there are set backs...but I can promise you, it works...it just takes some time and patience.

Please hang in there..and keep posting on here....it is really a helpful site..

November 8, 2004
10:07 am
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CAMER
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(((Heres a hug for you Skier))) for venting and sharing. You are taking the 1st step in recognizing there is a problem. That is good. Now do you
go to therapy now?? how about reading codependent books and attending coda meetings?? This is a hard path that we are all on on trying to fix ourselves, and yes, it does take time, it doesn't go away overnite.

Know that you are not alone, and please keep posting.

November 8, 2004
8:12 pm
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skier6
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Hey Camer,
Yeah I'm BACK in therapy...this was the first relationship after therapy for depression from the last one. I've started reading some codependency things; one good one by Melody Beattie that "says" alot to me, I just can't use all of it and am trying to glean what I need. I don't know where there are any meetings but I think I'd be willing to give it a shot. Where do you find them?

November 8, 2004
8:31 pm
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Anonymous
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Skier,

There are all kinds of meetings that happen--even on the web! There are chats for codependency, and organized meetings online.

I can also strongly recommend the book "Self Matters" and the workbook that goes with it, by Dr. Phil. It is a good way to help you understand how you came to think the way you do, and how to make changes.

I hope you will find your place in the sun very soon!

Ren'ai

November 9, 2004
12:58 am
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mamacinnamon
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Skier:

{{{{{{{{{{{{Hugs to you}}}}}}}}}}}

You know what you want. You know what to do. Now, put one foot in front of the other. You'll get there. One day at a time.

Good for you, Skier.

November 9, 2004
1:31 am
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LEILEI
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Skier: I see a wonderful man, who right now is clear as to how wonderful he is. When you come out of this, and you will, you are going to have so much insight - you are already doing the work and climbing up that mountain. I can assure you when you get over it to the other side you will see how truly wonderful life is, and it will give you peace knowing that you just walked through hell and survived. What in this life could be worse? Nothing, in my eyes and you said you fix things at work, well you will be able to share and help others like you fix their broken world and make sense out of all of this. It is okay to feel the way you do, at least you can feel. You stated at least she is having a great time don't assume that just yet - people make their beds with much regret later, what comes around goes around I beleive in karma, and I believe that this journey will allow you to finally be the person that you need to be to yourself.
Focus on the most important thing, you. You will get through this., like the little train - I think I can - I know I can, you can and you will. Some days will be better than others and everyone here will be here for you. This to shall pass and there is a big light at the end of the tunnel holding the shine to put back in your eyes.
It is good to cry, let it out, don't hold it in. You are in my thoughts. Just take one day at a time.

November 9, 2004
1:37 am
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skier6
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Leilei

Thank you. Just......thank you

Skier6

November 9, 2004
2:17 am
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SuperDog
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Hi skier,

< < < H U G S > > >

Going through the same pain here.

I am just recognising the abuse my GF has given me in the past through recovery from codependency. It's very painful to see the mist clear up. You keep asking yourself, why, why, why, over and over again. You think there is an answer... But there is no answer for it.

When your mind starts to think logically and defend yourself, your heart pulls you down with so much pain you would rather let yourself being abused to stop the pain. But the pain will only stop temporarily. Everything will recycle.

SO hard to think that your heart is wrong. So hard to tell it that it's wrong.

My GF is in Uni now, doesn't call me, doesn't txt me. I am pretty sure she has another BF there because I have seen many signs. If I tell her this, the only outcome will be "You suspect me?". I ask her to explain the "signs" to me, she defers everything.

She forgot my birthday few months back... She did not have the slightest guilt for doing that... Her birthday is coming in a few days and my heart is tearing apart because my mind dont want to do anything for her this time. My heart wants me to make her happy, do everything for her. I'm gonna suffer thinking about this... I just have to let my heart know that I'm worth it... Not worthless... It's freaking hard... But I'm giving it all that i've got.

It's my life, I have to live it, I have to heal, so I have to endure this.

You will have to do the same thing skier, be strong and endure it.

And yeah, I really want someone to come hug me also so much now! But why wait for someone to hug me when I can hug myself? When I can love myself? We don't need 'the other half' to be complete, we are already complete!

Regards,
Super

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