Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In
Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
The forums are currently locked and only available for read only access
sp_TopicIcon
How to let go?
June 20, 2005
11:35 pm
Avatar
jack122064
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I had a date tonight, and it was nice - but the guy started telling me about a friendship that went bad for him recently, and this is something I also went through.

I told off my best friend about a month ago, after we fought for a few months. I have been obsessing over the friendship since we "broke up" and every day is a struggle to put her out of my mind. Today was particularly tough, the thoughts kept flooding back.

Then this guy tells me about HIS friend problem. I know it's supposed to be good to talk and share experiences, and it shows me that other people go through the same thing, but I just want to forget her for now, and it seems like everywhere I turn, something reminds me. I know there is no magic bullet. I have the right to turn off that movie in my head. It's just incredibly difficult at times, I am trying all kinds of techniques, and I'm getting worn out by this... anyone have any advice? Thanks - jack

June 21, 2005
1:37 am
Avatar
exoticflower
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Is this a friendship that needs to be over? You said you told her off--I had a horrible fight with my best friend a few years ago in which I said some things that i still cringe to think I said--By some amazing miracle, after a couple of months I ran into her somewhere and she was upset about something several onths later, and was willing to accept my comfort despite my mistakes. We built from there taking baby steps and talking about what had happened and how I had goten so angry at her and how what I said affected her...the moral of the story being that honesty and respect and taking responsability when she could trust me a little brought back our friendship. Is there a chance that you jsut don't know how to aproach it wiht her?

If that is not the case for the two of you, you may concider writing a last love letter...I think it is sew who mentioned it before--it is supposed to be to an ex, but I know that my best friend and I have had a relationship to rival any romantic one in its sincere love and how much we have shared...I think that must be true of you and your friend too. The idea is that you write every single thing you want to say to the person, let all of those feelings you never got to express, then tear it up (or if you feel fondly for friend, maybe something more dignified? Maybe setting it afloat somewhere you used to swim or bury it somewhere you used to hang out?) and let those feelings leave as you do this, go with the letter and outward, releasing you from the pain and saddness.

Just a couple of thoughts. I am so sad for you, losing a friend in any way is someting I know is hard. I hope you have other frineds, not to fill her place but at least to help ease the pain where it hurts. (((jack))), be a good friend to yourself, too!

June 21, 2005
11:42 pm
Avatar
jack122064
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks, exotic. Where I am now, I don't want anything to do with her. In fact, if she tries to communicate with me in any way, I will give her a first and last warning that the next time it happens, it means a restraining order against her. I doubt she will try to communicate, I think she took the "hint."

I've already expressed everything to her. I took responsibility for what I did to hurt her, but she refused to admit to doing ANYTHING wrong. I believe she was using me, wanting to "help" me just so she could take credit for it... she is very manipulative and insecure, and cares deeply about what others think about her. She puts on a front of being very confident and self-assured, but when she discovers that someone has a less than stellar opinion of her, she bolts, and surrounds herself with people who will stroke her ego.

This is not the kind of friend I want. Nevertheless, I can't seem to shake the whole thing from my mind - I guess because for so long I believed she WAS a sincere friend, and now I've lost that, even if it was just an illusion.

Also, I'm apprehensive, because we run with the same group of friends in our graduate program, and come September I may see more of her (maybe even sooner). It's true that I don't HAVE to go out and socialize if she's around, but I really LIKE my other friends, and I don't want to avoid them just because she might be around. (Truth be told, I like when she's around, so I can ignore her...but that may be more obsessive behavior). Thanks again... 🙂

June 21, 2005
11:58 pm
Avatar
exoticflower
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

jack, I do understand that--it is a lot like my issues with my ex. That quiet manipulation, problems just like mine but added denial and secret button pushing to boot. It's hard, but forgiving someone elses unhealthiness allows you to eventually (so I hear) forgive the person too...freeing you from the obsession and resentment and guilt all rolled into one. And the only way to do that is to work on you first. I'm having a hard time with this myself lately. I hope you can get through this, not for anything but your own piece of mind, you deserve it! We all do!

June 22, 2005
12:42 am
Avatar
jack122064
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks again exotic... I have a lot going for me, I am now a PhD student, I have been doing the gym like hell, and look REALLY good, and I am doing well at my job and studies. (Problem is, Stephanie is also a PhD student here - but I am here to get my degree and not get involved in all kinds of "Will and Grace/Peyton Place" nonsense). I figure there are three things I need to "obsess" about:

1) health - mental and physical

2) school - papers now, 6 of them...ugh...

3) work - I do very well at my job(s) at the university

4) everything else...

I am an attractive, intelligent, talented, witty, fun, and giving guy... I'm not just talking out of my butt, I've been TOLD this by many people.

I guess the problem is that I have suffered from low self-esteem all my life, and Stephanie made me feel so good - but I began to see HER as the benchmark, like I had to have HER approval, and the guys I dated had to be good enough for HER, and everything I did had to impress HER...

She is not the first person that I have used in this way (yes USED, I admit it, I USED her - the difference between me and her is at least I ADMIT this fact - she also USED me, but refuses to admit that...not trying to say I'm some kind of saint or anything, but I DO admit when I am wrong or made a mistake...). It seems to be a pattern with me, I get into close friendships, and then I depend on the person for my self-esteem.

It's very sad, because we were so close. It has made me very bitter, and very suspicious of anyone who comes across as being all "nice" to me (or others). I am tired of fake people.

June 23, 2005
9:28 am
Avatar
amberly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Jack
I agree I am tired of fake people too. I have been used by others and am in a frame of mind to use them before they use me. It is a wrong thought process. But it is sooooooooooooo scary to think of putting yourself out on a limb and risking it all. I know myself and I probably won't use anyone just not let them get close enough to me to injure me. Sad isn't it.

You made a statement that I can so relate to. You said everywhere you turn something reminds you. Well I feel the same way. After 21+ years in a committed marriage -- everything reminds me of him.
I live right down the street from the church I married in, I live less than a mile from the company we owned together. I drive past the place where we had our first date. Worst of all my OWN son reminds me of him and he lives with me. I have to fight w/ myself to not say it or act like it.
So I get it. Keep posting and talking and try to find ways to validate yourself. Surround yourself with the healthiest people you can and practice affirming yourself.
Take care,
Amberly

June 23, 2005
10:20 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I'm not sure that I exactly understand your situation, so forgive me if I completely miss the mark with my comments. Part of a healthy friendship is making one another feel good about yourselves. I would not say that you were using her, unless you did not care about her at all, which doesn't seem to be the case. How exactly did she use you? It sounds like she may just have some insecurities that have nothing to do with you. It is good that you are able to admit when you are wrong, however she may not have enough self-awareness to realize that her actions are unhealthy. You may want to reconsider whether or not you truly want to end this friendship. You have said that she is often on your mind and that you like being around her so that you can ignore her. It sounds like you are very angry right now. If you can get past your anger, you may see that your friend is going through something.

Is it possible that her feelings for you go beyond that of a friend? Or maybe even your feelings for her? It sounds like there is more involved here than meets the eye.

June 23, 2005
11:59 am
Avatar
jack122064
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

HI thanks for the comments. foggy, I believe our friendship is over.

I guess I would have to explain about her a bit. She is a 31 year old (going on 13) who lives at home, daddy bought her car, pays for her grad school studies, and now bought her a home. She puts on a front of being this self-made single professional woman, claims to be so "confident" and "self-assured," etc. She's all cute and perky etc, and people are taken in by her. But I have come to te conclusion that it's really easy to tell when Stepanie is lying and/or being manipulative: it's whenever her lips are moving.

But we got to be very close friends, and I saw below the surface. She is always nice to people, does things for them etc. What happened was just before Xmas last year, she threw me a surprise birthday party. That was nice, except that we had been fighting that week about some petty things. I was not in a good place emotionally, and she felt that I was ungrateful for the party, which I WASNT - but since we had been fighting, she was totally mad at me all nite, I felt guilty at first and then just angry to the point where I left for a while.

On top of that, it was a "dual surprise party" for a friend of ours, another good friend (David) of both of us who just also happens to be a gay man. He has made it clear forever that he HATES surprise parties. She insisted on doing it anyway, and tried to get his family and friends on board - almost everyone of them emailed telling her it wasn't a good idea, and they weern't going to come. So THEN she emails them all back and scolds them for not wating to do it. This really ended the friendship between her and David.

What I realized was that she does all these nice things for people, but it's really for HER - she seeks constant validation and wants everyone to know what a darling angel she is.

After the party, we fought a few weeks by email, then stopped talking. In February I was hospitalized for a week for my depression, and she came to visit with other friends. When she was there, I wanted to tell her to leave, but I didn't. Her attitude was making me angry, she was acting all ticked off or something, and was very cold to me. I just let it go, thinking maybe it's all difficltfr her, etc. Well then I find out later that she was angry at my OTHER friends for not calling her right away when I went inot the hospital. It was stupid if you ask me, because I told a friend that there were about 5 other friends who I trusted to know what was going on, and Stephanie was one of them. She was never out of the loop with me, but that didnt matter - and anyway, my friends DID call her and she came and visited me with them.

It turned out to be all about her, like everything else in her life. That very night, later, she confronted David about the party and DEMANDED that he apologize for his behavior. He humored her and did so, and doesn't talk to her anymore. It hurt me a lot that here I was in the damn psych unit of a hospital, and she was just all wrapped up in her immature nonsense.

Bottom line, I WAS in love with her. I'm a gay man, so a relationship is out of the question, but I loved her like she was my little sister. I don't know her deal. For all I know, she could have wanted me romantically and knew she couldnt have me. I doubt it though, it's just what some of my gay friends tell me - people just assume it's a "f*g hag" or a "will and grace" thing when a gay guy and a straight girl get to be so close. I think that possibility is slim to none. But there is SOMETHING going on with her, but she will never express it, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to know what it is.

I know this is long, I hope it makes sense. I had seen her a few times this spring, and she was very superficial with me - I finally got fed up and told her off for good, using every curse word I could think of. It may not have been the classiest thing to do, but I would do it again in a heartbeat.

June 24, 2005
2:51 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I hope that this does not sound too harsh, but honestly the whole situation sounds very petty all the way around. Life is too short to carry on with grudges over trivial transgressions.

I found it interesting that you stated that you were in love with her but that since you are a gay man a relationship is out of the question. Some psychologists say that sexuality exists along a continum, meaning that most people are not usually 100% gay or 100% straight and that there is a wide variety of how gay or straight you may be. I am wondering if it is at all possible that you had some feelings for your friend that made you uncomfortable, because you identify yourself culturally, sexually, and personally as a gay man. I hope that you don't find this suggestion to be too offensive, just something to consider.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
26
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111165
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38716
Posts: 714574
Newest Members:
anissafield, Aemorph, CaitlynForlong, AndrinNetzer, MaarcusPedersen, MarcusPedersen
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information