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How to let go of a relationship?
July 23, 2001
1:23 pm
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DJ
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Am trying to let go of a relationship I had almost a year ago with a man. Details probably don't matter, but the question is, what's the most effective way to let go? Getting invovleded with someone else would be effective of course but is not possible to conjure up. Am quite troubled by it.

July 23, 2001
1:58 pm
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Molly
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Just say no, let it go, and make your self busy. No conversation, no e-mail, no calls, no visits. Work out at the gym, take a class, and focus on you, jumping back into a relationship takes time, and you need to fill your time with self serving things.

July 23, 2001
8:18 pm
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janes
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And Molly means self serving in the most postive way.

YOU need to focus on YOU..no guilt no excuses.

Use that as your leaving line...."I need to find ME"

YOU should be the most important relationship you have.

July 24, 2001
12:00 am
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Nancyruth
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I am new to this forum. But this topic really speaks to me. I too am trying to let go of a long term relationship. My therapist and myself are working on my abandonment issues- I feel because I lost this one man(who wasn't perfect for me anyway) that I am either going to up and die or I am never going to be strong on my own. I am trying to learn to live for myself but it is easier said than done. My mother never did it for the 26 years of her marriage. What do you tell yourself in those dark moments when you are terribly lonely and your friends have heard it all already and you can't imagine it will get better?
Just wanted to reach out, Nancy

July 24, 2001
12:27 am
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tazgirl
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I have just let go of an abusive relationship. Even though it was abusive it was very hard to be on my own with 3 children. I kep giving in to his demands all the time. Then I started doing things I was never allowed to do like see my friends take my children out. I learned to be a new self assured person. It takes time but you will get there just work on being assertive.

July 24, 2001
1:36 pm
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Molly
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You know when you get right down to it , we really need to do all those things wether there is a man in the picture or not. We got lost some where in our teens and forgot that we need to do for us, and not them, its an evolutionary thing. There are only so many hours in the day and so many things to do, see, eat, explore, and we get into ruts, habits, routines. If you start with a list of just 3-5 things to do different for you every day, its a start. Like hit the local library, pick up the local info paper, hit garage sales, start an artistic project, clean out the closet, get rid of all the makeup samples in the bathroom, clear the clutter, and it clears your mind. Write poetry, plant flowers, get a fish, and watch it, write thank you notes to a waitress, I was thinking about a cultural experience for a week, food, music, language, movies, just to drive my husband nuts, emersion for fun. Just have to create, build a tent in the living room, have a sleep over for the girls, find the little girl in you and let her play

July 28, 2001
8:34 pm
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Nancyruth
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Thank you Molly. Your advice was helpful. It is nice when I am alone to listen to the CD that I want o listen to without question. Or even to clean the tub suddenly without checking in to see if my partner needs me instead. I am trying to make those little mental lists of things I want to do and trying everyday to cross the list off. I am back to yoga eveyday and sometimes I have my favorite childhood foods for dinner (nothing like hotdogs, sunchips and koolaid). It is hard only when I want someone to be with. But I am trying to connect with those other people in my life that I neglected when I was occupied with one partner. I am trying.

July 29, 2001
12:09 pm
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sally-anne
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Hi there. Mine was one of the threads that got wiped out, unfortunately. I can relate to this too. I am trying to let go of someone who is bad for me and I am finding it hard. I find I think about them nearly all the time. I tie myself in knots wondering if they have/ever had any feelings for me or think about me when I'm not there etc. Wouldn't it be nice if you could throw a switch and not care anymore.

July 29, 2001
2:12 pm
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shugarmagnolya
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i went to a psychic a few weeks ago, i know it sounds wierd, but she was VERY good. Not only with me but others. Ive been with this guys for three years, we were best friends before that. The problem is that I was really depressed probably two and a half years through our relationship. It caused major problems in our relationship. Now we are living this long distance relationship and im trying so hard to get better. Anyways, the psychic said that there is a guy that i am following. Im trying very hard to make things work. She said, i hate to tell you this but this is not your soulmate and you are going to go through a few other bull**** relationships before you find the one. I was crushed, but this is something i've been thinking about for awhile. Is he the one? Is there a one? I know that I love him and I would do anything for him. But maybe we are causing more harm than good? I always thought I would get better and we would live happily ever after. Someone told me that if you question it, he probably isn't the one...but the whole depression thing makes me question it, ive been feeling alot better lately but it would require us being together for awhile for me to find out. or am i just holding on??? i just thought this was related...

July 29, 2001
9:41 pm
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Anonymous
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I have been in a relationship for 9 years with my ex roy. we have a 3yr old daughter. I recently made him move out of our house and said really hurt full things to him. I thought I would be happier on my own. Did not know what I was going through,perhaps an early mid life crisis, I turned 30 in April. I am very confused and depressed, just started seeing a counsler. I want this man back so much but he has moved on. he said he is enjoying his freedom and is no longer intrested in me. I am so crushed and feel like ending my life. I know I must live for my beautiful little girl but want so much to have my Roy back and be the family we use to be. I do not know how to move on, being with another man other than Roy after 9 years is so very hard, I have no desire to do so. I have been diagnosed with major depression and obsession. I drive around in the middle of the night with my 3 yr old looking for him and call the numbers on his cell phone bill to see what girls he is with. I hope through counsling I will become a better person and hopefully win the love of my life back, but for now I know I must move on and keep my chin up. Having a few good people to talk to is really helping me and the counsling makes me feel better too. Good luck to all, I need all I can get.

July 29, 2001
10:29 pm
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gingerleigh
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Good luck, Roy'sGirl. May I suggest picking a new screen name other than one that identifies you as someone's "possession"? I know it sounds kinda weird, but it just bothered me for a moment, since it sounds like you have a beautiful heart and a lot of love for your little girl. You deserve your own identifty, separate from Roy.

Rejection is hard because it amplifies the feelings of self-doubt that we have about ourselves. Externally, someone has validated our fears that we are worthless or unlovable.

Keep in mind that you don't have to get into another relationship, there is *no* reason on this planet why you should have to try to force yourself into another one if it's not something you want. You're not ready, you've said so yourself. Take care of your daughter and take care of you. When it's right, the relationship will happen.

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