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How to know when say goodbye for good
September 19, 2005
11:45 am
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DeviMa
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I wrote a message "Afraid" earlier. Now I am writting again hoping to get some more feedback. I am 7 mo. pregnant w/2 child. And told my partner if he can't stop using pot I am going to leave him. I have no money, no where to go, and expecting soon. He said right before bed last night, I'll try (quitting). That was after a day/night of "No, I won't stop, this is who I am, you can't change me, etc." I still feel like I can't even give him a chance, almost like I don't want to go down that I'll be there for you while you "try" to kick this habit (though he doesn't see it as one). Any friendly advice would be helpful. Anyone been here before?

September 19, 2005
12:09 pm
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SUSIE BABY
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September 29, 2010
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SO SORRY,but you can not "change" anyone.he has to "want" to change.if your due to have a baby,make that your top priority. focus on what your going to do after the baby come's.(how far along are you?) my son's dad is a BIG BEER DRINKER! he said the same word's to me,this is who he is!!!! i tried to HELP,SAVE what ever you want to call it, him from him self,AND ENDED UP SAVING ME!! I FINALLY LEFT WHEN OUR SON WAS 11 YEAR'S OLD, 4 plus year's ago,and i've done nothing short of BLOOM INTO THE WOMAN I AM TODAY! be strong for your self and your babie's,you have enough on your plate,let it be HIS problem. one day,trust me,he'll see,mine did. TO LATE!! KEEP THE FAITH,SUSAN

September 19, 2005
12:14 pm
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taj64
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I found out my husband was doing drugs the first time I was pregnant. I didn't know much about it. He would quit, then start up again. Then when I found out I was pregnant the second time, I was depressed to be pregnant because at that time, I didn't feel the same way about him, as if he was never going to change. We ended up staying together for another two years but still the problem never went away. I got old and tired of it. There was not anything I could do I did learn that. He was down on me because I became not as supportive to him when he would go in rehab for third time and he was right, I wasn't. Anyway every relationship, situation is different. You have to get support for yourself and listen to your heart and head and also take care of yourself above all. Keep posting, it will help you out in times of need.

September 19, 2005
12:40 pm
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Lass
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September 24, 2010
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My first husband was a pothead. He laid in bed for about six months out of the year like he was an invalid. I left him when our son was two.

September 19, 2005
9:47 pm
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Anonymous
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If he says he will try quitting - then let him - but you don't need to hold his hand, nag him, do it for him, or praise him for his efforts.

Let him do it cuz he wants to do it for himself.

in the meantime - take the effort you would give to him - the energy - the determination - the sacrifices - and give them TO YOURSELF!

that's right - take the focus off of him and put the spotlight on you.

find things to make you happy, find things to make you more peaceful, find things to make your pregnancy and soon to be labor easier and more relaxed, find ways to connect more with your babies, find ways to make yourself feel good.

reserve your energy for you and your babies. screw him - if he is gonna smoke, he is gonna smoke - you can't stop him.

as you focus your strength and energy on yourself, you will gain a better level of confidence....get counseling, go to NA or al-anon or whatever 12 step they offer near you. build a support group. meet other new mom's. find play dates with the kids.

at some point, you may decide you don't want him around - once you are stronger and thinking more rationally, and less emotionally - you may find the strength to move on without him.

OR

it is possible that he may realize you are pulling away and decide to make some serious changes in his own life - after seeing good changes come out of your life...sometimes they follow a good example.

prepare for him to not stop - prepare for him to not be supportive - prepare for him to stay the same as he has always been.

if he changes - it will be a blessing - if he doesn't - you aren't let down.

best wishes with the new baby.

September 20, 2005
12:34 am
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EJ
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Oh, Ali,
That is the best advice ever. You are so wise. Thank you. I really needed to hear that tonight.
Love EJ

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