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"How To Get Your Relationship Back"
July 17, 2005
7:55 pm
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Has anyone ever read/ordered these books online? How to Get Your Boyfriend Back. If so, ever take their advice? Did it work for you? I ordered the e-books and wondered if there were any real success stories.

July 18, 2005
11:08 am
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revelation
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Hi!

I can't see that these books would do someone who was codependent any good!!
The whole idea of healing from codependency is to let go of things that are beyond your control. Some of the main traits of codependent behaviour is control and obsession, this comes to the fore in relationships and its why those relationships fail. As books like these (and I read one in the bad old days!) tend to add fuel to this fire (By giving you unrealistic ways to control someone else) I can't see that they are much use.
The idea is to let go of this controlling attitude...you can't make your boyfriend come back, thats the reality of it. Your boyfriend will choose for himself whether he wants to come back, just as you have the right to make those decisions for yourself, so has he.
So, no I have no success stories, in fact the opposite...I spend years playing games to "get my boyfriend back" only to end up being hurt myself over and over.

July 18, 2005
2:49 pm
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kathygy
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Just the title of that book sounds manipulative. If you have to be manipulative to get a relationship what happens when you stop being manipulative? You can't keep it up and expect to have a healthy relationship. Men know someone is being manipulative to get them in a relationship. They don't like it and will go the opposite way. Also, reading this kind of book takes the focus off of you and on to him. You need to keep the focus on you and heal your wounds.

love,
kathy

July 18, 2005
4:07 pm
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on my way
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or, rev...to know the difference about what we can contol and what we cannot control.

July 18, 2005
4:43 pm
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revelation
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Sorry OMW....I'm confused!!! What bit were you referring to???

Kathy says it beeter than me anyway!

July 19, 2005
7:45 am
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freefall
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its hard but its best to just move on

July 19, 2005
8:42 am
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Rasputin
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Hi 4o,

I agree with the posters here. The best way to determine if a relationship is meant for us is to DETACH from it.

Anything else will only result in control, manipulations, depression, low self-esteem, stresss...

I like Kathy's reply. It puts the truth in nutshell!!!

So, DETACH and work on loving yourself and developing intimate relationship with God/HP. If your friend is the right person, he will contact you.

~Love, Ras~

July 19, 2005
11:23 am
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littlebutterfly
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Yeah, I got it. I paid the money, but after reading it quickly returned it and got my money back. It likely could get your ex back… but only if your ex is an abuser. It basically says that the first thing you do is PRETEND to detach. You tell them that you agree with them, why they are leaving, that they are right to want to leave. In fact you pretty much agree with everything they say regardless of how you feel. Then you start dating other people (even if you are married). You tell the ex you are going to date other people then do it.

In other words you get a life and stop fixating on them. (Actually that is not bad advice in and of itself). Then they will be interested in you. (Kind of creepy don’t you think?) It assumes that the reason they are no longer interested is because you have been too clingy and boring and are not meeting THEIR needs. It basically says that your nurturing, loving nature is smothering them, that is why they left, so start pretending to focus on yourself so that you can get them to take notice that they are loosing their #1 fan.

The problem is, it helps to create the return to the abusive and manipulative cycle that we are all already in. If I am going to date, it is going to be because my relationship is OVER, not to “win back” a narcissist who is jealous about losing his object. Even being overweight I could flirt with just about any guy and get laid or get attention form other men. So what is the point of that?

I need to get over being angry and allowing someone to disrespect my boundaries. I want my husband to want to be with me because I am a whole and healthy person, NOT because I am manipulating him by pretending to agree with his choices and make him jealous. I do not want to acquiesce who I am anymore and pretend just so that I will not be abandoned. I do not want to be in a relationship that is built on a chessboard mentality. I want to be with someone who sees me for me and loves me, supports me and firmly wholeheartedly believes I deserve his very best BECAUSE of that, not despite it.

I do NOT encourage you to buy that course. It is a very dangerous way to think, especially for someone with a tendency toward codependency.

July 19, 2005
6:58 pm
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SexySadie
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Here here Little Butterfly!! I must have gotten the same book. You said it all so perfectly. My take on the book was the same thing.

But the good point is that instead of fixating yourself on them and your loss, turn it around on you. Spend time with yourself, start working out, go shopping, spend time doing things you love...the more and more you detach, the happier you are...and everyone wants to be around happy people not sad. When you beg and plead you look pathetic (been there done that)...as my Therapist told me today..."I think you should show yourself you can move on. Don't do it for his benefit."

Maybe he will wonder what he has lost...but EVEN if you don't get them back if that's what you want...you've already improved your outlook and life, your health and happiness. What more could you ask for?

I tested my theory here just a bit lately...and here is what I've experienced. We all went away this weekend to a tournament. BF brought along his new lady friend. I was nice and polite. Not hateful or rude. BF and I spoke the entire weekend. I had a wonderful time. I was the little social butterfly meeting people...Hey, I even got hit on by 4 men. Talk about a self-esteem booster...but I'm not ready to get involved with anyone. I've got a great of work ahead on my head/heart.

There were 8 of us there, including BF and OW. We would politely invitet hem to join us for meals and hanging out..but She would decline on most occassions. BF was bummed because he wanted to hang out with us and all she wanted to do was drink, drink and drink more. When they did join us, we all had a good time. Everytime she put her hand on his leg, he would find a reason to get up and move away.

BF and I work together...he's been away from work for 3 wks now and is coming back this week. Just imagine how she will feel eventually knowing that we will be working side by side. He doesn't have a dime to his name, his bank account is overdrawn, car about to be repossessed, what I used to pick up for him financially is now her mess. We've told him he won't receive any money until his 7k debt has been taken care of. He's also supposed to pay her rent. How long will this go on? Eventually, she'll start bitching about the money and his being a bum...unless he can pick himself off the ground. But meanwhile, I look at it as thought I've gotten a 500.00 a month raise by not making his payments. My grocery bill has gone down 1/2!! Not to mention the utilities!!

I asked him if it was true that he didn't have plans on coming home. He said not now...I said okay, just wanted to make sure so I can move forward with my life. I told him I was going out of town for a few days, see you at the office when I get back. He's been calling all of our friends to find out where I am going and with whom. I'm just taking a break from all the nonsense and relaxing and doing a great deal of thinking.

There is the saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I agree...take this time honey to work on you...find out who you are again and what makes you happy...you might find like so many others that you don't need them in your life anymore. As I have been telling myself...when I rediscover who I am, I may find that one I really don't need him in my life or two that we do find ourselves back together on a different level. There are no guarantees in life...so live each day the best you can.

July 19, 2005
7:38 pm
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starshine
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SexySadie,
Girl, my hat is off to you! You handled yourself in such a graceful, dignified manner and I want you to know that you give me something to aspire to! I am soo proud of you, considering you were dreading this weekend so much! How great is it that you can see the path this OW will walk on and the stuff he will put her through, just as he did you. You really must be one hell of a woman, because I don't think I could have done what you did! YOU GO GIRL!!!!

(((Hugs)))
Starshine

July 19, 2005
8:31 pm
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SexySadie
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Oh Starshine...I'm not that helluva woman that you think I am...I cried myself to sleep on Friday night in that hotel room all alone...and I mean cried...but no one saw those tears and I slept for 7 hours that night. First full night's sleep in over two weeks. I vowed that if it killed me I wouldn't let anyone see me down and out and that I would smile and show the world that I was okay. Let's just say I put on my best Scarlett O'Hara face. He even had the nerve to ask one of our friends if I was a total psycho driving down..LOL...I took a nap most of the way. We had a great drive down laughing and playing road games, which I hadn't done since a child.

It's all good...yes it hurts to come home and to not see him here. But you know what, I'm not the one worrying about when he's coming home, will HE come home or anything.

He's seeing it in me. Oh is he seeing it in me. And more importantly, I AM SEEING IT IN ME. I'm going to keep going to Therapy and keep learning about myself. In my heart at this very minute...yes I want him back...how will I feel later? Who knows...the only thing I have control over is myself and my behaviour. Not his, not hers.

As his father told me on the phone today. He said, "Son, you've been on top of the world for 5 yrs now...don't let yourself stay in the gutter too long so that you can't find your way back out of it." Those words gave me such wonderful strength today...detachment with love...love for ourselves too!!

July 19, 2005
9:49 pm
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starshine
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SexySadie,
Whether you realize it or not, you are one HELLUVA woman! I stand by everything I said, and knowing now that the tears did fall and you did not show him one of them reinforces by belief that you are truly a woman of strength, dignity and grace! I believe you to be wonderful, and you do give me strength, with your words and your actions. Keep the faith, hold that head high, and keep loving and believing in yourself honey! You are (we both are) on the right road, and finding ourselves will be the payoff...it's O.K. to want him back, don't beat yourself up about it... Just because he is gone doesn't mean the love just goes away too.

(((Hugs)))
Starshine

July 19, 2005
10:13 pm
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littlebutterfly
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I agree with starshine. I think the whole group invitations thing is hilarious. I have seen that same reluctance to give affection (as though it is shameful) in my father-in-law.

My SIL sat on her father's lap and starts singing this bizarre childlike song she made up about how much she loves him (in front of the entire family. He actually physically leaned AWAY from her, withdrew suddenly like she was red hot metal and burned him. He refused to even look at her. His own daughter! Instead of being proud he was embarrassed by his daughter showing him affection.

He has made sexual advances toward me (always rejected) since I was 17 years old. But with me watching him he rejects his own daughter like I'm his old girl friends or something (he made sexualized comments to her and all her friends while she grew up too). Ehw. I was so disgusted by the whole scene I walked out of the room.

I htink it is about him not likeing himself and thinking that he does not deserve affection and love and that anyone who would dare give it to him must be diseased or dirty.

So I commend you on putting on the detached happy-with-self face and getting through that weekend. You ARE an inspiration!

July 19, 2005
10:41 pm
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Sexy - you really are inspirational even if you don't think so.

Little - glad to know this isn't worth looking into. I play the game of "i wll back off and then he will want me" and he ALWAYS does. Problem is... the pattern always starts over so I have been doing my best to make me strong for me...not for him!

July 20, 2005
1:07 am
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littlebutterfly
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22haha.... I hear ya I read the material and the first thing I thought is "why would I want to be with someone who would want me because I was ignoring them. But then Irealized that that is exactly what happened with my husband. I ignored him at first and told him I was not intersed. It was the "I love you you'er the only one for me" thing that got me hooked. He persued me when I was not interested and once we wer married I was a "fat whale" (at 135lbs 5-6 athletic) and not worth wasting his time to make love to. So why would I seek out that crap?

July 20, 2005
1:31 am
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on my way
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i think it is important to pay attention to our dreams.

July 20, 2005
10:42 pm
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little - ok so I had this exact situation. I actually was in a long term relationhsip with a guy that lived out of town when I met my recent ex. I treated him like crap cause I wasn't interested but he "couldn't live without me". So I broke up with the out of towner and as soon as the new guy had me it was all down hill from there. He started to be abusive (verbal, emotional, once physical) a total alcoholic (yet would never admit that) and I haven't been happy since. Yet fear of being alone and trying to change him has now cost me 6 years.

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