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How to deal????
March 20, 2005
4:56 pm
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real_eyes
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I just recently got out of a really bad abusive relationship. My ex and I were going out for a while and at the beginning I had no doubts whats so ever. He then became very controlling, possesive and jealous. Every thing was going good and then when i found out that he had cheated on me with 3 girls we began to fight everyday.I took him back because i loved him so much and i didnt want to loose him. He turned everything around on me and made me look like i was the bad person and that he didnt trust me.He kept telling me that he "knew" that i had been with someone else and it was like he was trying to get me to admit to something i didnt even do. He started calling me names all the time braking and ruining things of mine and throwing all my stuff outside just because he had some stupid suspisions.I got so fed up and we actually started phisically fighting and he was threatening to do bad things to me to harm me, my family and even my house.I know he did so many bad things to me and i did everything i could to try to make him happy, even isolating myself from my family and friends to be with him.Im finding it really hard to get over him, i thing about him all the time and i want him back even though i wont let myself, it is just so hard being without him. How to i get over him? I just want the pain to go away.

March 20, 2005
8:16 pm
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CODA_Mom
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Hey realeyes,

What you've described here is a classic abusive relationship. The isolation, the threats, the name-calling, his accusing you of lying, etc. All of this had nothing to do with you, it was all about him.

As was explained to me, the abuser did not become an abuser in your relationship with him...he was an abuser all along and chose you as his victim.

These relationships are so difficult to let go of because we tend to remember the abuser as they were at the beginning. They were either charming and seemed to know exactly what you needed, or they presented themselves as needy, bringing out the nurturer within us.

He kept you in a state of craziness in order to maintain control. Over time, your situation would most likely have gotten more and more dangerous.

It will take time to get over this, but I want to encourage you to hang in there. Use this time to learn more about what attracted you to a man like this in the first place so that you do not repeat the same mistake again. He certainly is no prize!

Blessings,
CM

March 20, 2005
8:28 pm
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peacesoul
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real_eyes.....I was in your situation only 2 short months ago. And I will not lie, it's VERY heard to let go and not miss the person.

But CoDA Mom is right, it's good that you are out of this scary unhealthy situation.

What makes this pain go away? Time and talking about it. That is the only thing.

Stay strong

March 20, 2005
8:39 pm
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Mordrin
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real eyes:

I suggest that you take CODA Mom's advise seriously.

You may want to consider putting some distance between you and your man real soon.
Not only does he appear abusive in several different ways, but he is subjecting you to unwanted guilt trips and taking avantage of your seemly low self esteem by changing the issues of his cheating nature and focusing the discussion on you to cover his guilt.
Talk about mental abuse?

He is the one that needs immediate help and your love was not meant to be this way for you.

March 21, 2005
10:49 pm
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real_eyes
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Thank you everyone so much he called me earlier today and for the first time i didn't answer the phone, i didnt give in. I love this site its making me feel so much better already.

luv you lots

March 21, 2005
11:20 pm
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readyforachange
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real_eyes,

you've already taken a major step in detaching from him. You didn't answer his call. That takes incredible strength. Step by step, one day at a time. Take it slow. You CAN do this....and you know you deserve so much better than this. Just know you are not alone, and we'll be here cheering for you!

Be well!

March 21, 2005
11:34 pm
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tenderheart
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real_eyes it is hard. I have recently ended a relationship and I have felt the guilt and I have been in denial and excused and actually wiped from memory as if nothing the time he strangled me in my closet while my kids slept in the other room. Please whatever you do try and remember this abuse is a cycle. It starts of really nice then gradually turns in to jealousy which leads to name calling, and possible or most likely physical, followed with an apology and that it will never happen it's just that we made them get so mad and if we wouldn't have gotten them mad this would have never happened. I pray for you. YOU Deserve much better. Better days, better ways. Know your worth. Eventually this will get old. A great read that has helped me is "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie given to me by a close friend. Keep posting because this site has really helped. Even if I was only reading. God Bless you Real-Eyes.

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