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How to deal with certain situations?
May 31, 2007
8:57 am
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Dresdar
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Hey everyone,

I'm not the best at composing my thoughts, but I will try my best.

My little sister, which really is my best friend in the world, has progressivly gotten herself into more problems. I have tried to offer advice to her, but she is also young and doesnn't realize the importance of others advice. It has brought me to the point of which I almost don't care for her any more, and offten feel disgusted at her discisions. I want to help her, but I just don't know what to do.

A few years ago she started college out of state, and became sexually active and became pregnant. She gave the child up for adoption, and started going back to church reguarly for a better way of life. Well about a year ago she met a new guy that was about the closest thing to being worthless as it gets. She started doing drugs, partying, drinking with this guy. She is now pregnant with this man's baby.

Being pregnant isn't the problem. This guy she is with deals drugs, beats my sister, and can't find work because he is a convicted felon. She loves the guy for some reason. Thinks she can show him a better way of life of something. My sister is still young.... she turns 21 in July and it kills me to see her in this situation.

What do I do? Forget about her?

May 31, 2007
10:38 am
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bevdee
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Dresdar

I know exactly how helpless you feel! "My little sister, which really is my best friend in the world,". Me too.

My sissy is addicted to crack and lived with a drug dealer boyfriend that beat her I think she may still live with him, but I haven't heard from her in a while. I was torn up over the fact she wouldn't accept my help, because - she is my little sister- and I was raised to help her! Being the older sissy is dificult, isn't it? I had such a feeling of responsibilty instilled in me in childhood that carried on through adulthood. I wanted to help her, I wanted to make it better for her. I thought of solutions to her predicament, and offered them up to her weekly. After she started using, I never heard from her until she needed money or a place to hide from other folks in their world that were out to get them. They burned alot of folks- either by bad drug transactions or snitching. I heard from her when she wanted sympathy for being beaten. This was a guaranteed reaction from me, having survived an abusive relationship. It killed me to hear about her life.

Your sister's decisions may not be those that you would make. They may seem deadly. There's nothing you can do. You might offer her help or refuge from the man, but chances are strong that she will go back. Until she reaches out to those qualified to help her , that possibility will always be there. I'm sorry to hear she is pregnant- that makes it even harder for you, doesn't it?

I will never forget about my sissy, and I get real sad sometimes, but I am working on freeing myself of the pain that carrying the responsibility for her life and the decisions she makes brought me. Carrying that responsibility around like to drove me crazy. And it takes a while.

(((Dresdar)))

May 31, 2007
10:55 am
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StronginHim77
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I had an older sister who made terribly self-destructive choices all during her life. She did it all: four pregnancies, nearly a dozen abortions (the last one nearly killed her because her insides were so damaged), alcohol, drugs, prostitution, going "underground" and hiding with an ex-felon for five years, getting arrested for forgery, skipping out on her probation, having warrants issues, getting evicted from home after home, having her furniture and personal belongings impounded...

It never stopped. She died at 46 from multiple sclerosis complications. Even after her death, I continued to face "clean up" of her disastrous, personal choices.

My point in sharing this is to assure you that I understand what it is to love a sister who goes down wrong paths...MANY wrong paths...over and over. You do have a choice: you can get embroiled in each and every crisis, be there to bail her out, etc., or you can show her tough love and detach. For her own benefit, I suggest you choose the latter: DETACH. As you pointed out, she is an adult. Her choices have lifelong consequences. You cannot save her from herself & that is what you are (understandably) trying to do.

This is what codependency is all about. We frantically try to "fix" these damaged, wounded people we love and save them from the consequences of their choices. But we CAN'T. All we do is make ourselves crazy in the process because they are the only ones who can decide they WANT to change and seek help for themselves.

You can't fix your sister. You can't save her. You can love her best by letting her "bottom out" and reach rock bottom. I know this is not what you want to hear and probably an impossible choice for you, but you are not really helping her by being her lifejacket, each and every time she gets in over her head. Let her sink. Really and truly sink. Then, she may decide to seek the healing and change which her life needs.

I deeply feel for you. It is hell to be in such a position. Everything in us SCREAMS to reach out and help this person. But the Truth is that we cannot help them. They must first want to help themselves. And she doesn't...yet.

Try to detach. Attend some CODA meetings in your area. Read CODEPENDENT NO MORE by Melody Beatty. Even attending Al-Anon meetings will help you. And you can make it clear to her that you will not bail her out of these toxic choices she is making. She must want to help herself and take appropriate action. She CAN go to a shelter. She CAN break away from these toxic relationships with men. She CAN have a better, more peaceful life. But she has to choose to do this.

- Ma Strong

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