Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
how to cope with bizzare accusations from wife?
February 3, 2001
3:27 pm
Avatar
jimthzz
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

My wife of 20 years has for the last 10 years at various times accused me of damaging her possessions -- without cause. Sounds like a silly thing, and I try to cope as best I can. We've almost divorced over this.

These untrue accusations are impossible to defend against. When she was focused on her clothing she thought I was ripping her clothes. So she bought an armoir to lock things up in.

Then for awhile she was focused on her jewelry. Now she even thinks I damaged her day planner when the zipper seam started separating.

I'm at my wits end, have been for a long time.

There is nothing I can say to her to make her think otherwise, she remains firmly convinced of her delusion.

We have two kids, a boy 16, a girl, 12.

Six years ago she even cheated on me, using this as an excuse. We tried marriage counselling, at which I asked her to bring her "evidence" to the counsellor. Did she? Nope. She tossed it out saying I could con the counsellor because my dad's a shrink.

The only true statement is that my dad is a psychiatrist.

But I didn't pick up the trade or any affinity for it either!

Sorry for venting.

I guess what I'm looking for is answer for how to deal with her. I find this very hard to discuss with anyone. Over the years I have not been able to turn to family or friends to try to deal with this.

My wife does not show anyone outside the house this behavior. But our children see it.

Today, I left the house after she started yelling at me about her stupid day planner, slamming her fist next to my head in an agitated rage while I was calming watching the news and reading the paper.

It always seems to happen like that. She gets agitated all at once and away we go.

I'm tired of the rollercoaster ride. I do not and never have damaged any of her possessions, her accusations are completely untrue.

Any thoughts? What is going on here? How can I get her soe help? Should I just give up and walk away? What about my kids?

This is very hard to deal with, but I can't keep ducking it.

February 3, 2001
3:43 pm
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

What about your kids? What do they see? Not that you should make it seem like you against her...but my dad and I both agree my mom is showing signs of Alzheimers...(my parents are in their 70's and my family and I live with them?

YOur 16 yr old at least might notice something.

I remember in the ast my mom accusing my dad of an affair which was ludicrous (sp) to say the least.

I don't know how you can get her some help unless you schedule both of you physicals and try to clue the doctor in ...maybe he could be a help.

How about scheduling an appointment with a counselor and giving her an ultimatum? Except you are the expert right with your dad being a psychiatrist......

It's really tough dealing with unbalanced people esp. when they live with you.....

What do you see as your options?

February 3, 2001
4:52 pm
Avatar
jimthzz
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you for your comments.

It is very tough to deal with. Both of my children are aware of her behavior. In fact the 12-year-old was home today when the wife flew off the handle about her day planner.

I left the house telling her she needs to get help, but I'm not dealing with her anymore. I said I want to sell the house split up.

We've had this same discussion before, it's an endless loop.

My problem has been putting up with her intolerable behavior.

Her problem is believing that her behavior is a rational response to what she sees is my "sick" behavior - her accusation of me mutilating her possessions.

My options are to actively seek and gain a divorce or to put up with the berating of me whenever the mood suits her to do so.

Or, for her to get help and recognize the truth.

I know she would rather divorce and blame me for the ruin of her life in addition to possessions than to face the enormity of her actions.

It's just so draining.

February 5, 2001
8:15 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Is she using drugs? This sounds like paranoid behavior down to the minute. Since you have seen it through this long, seek help. You have contributed to the demise just because you have tolorated it for so long, think of the children all the way around.

February 6, 2001
7:54 am
Avatar
Dilly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I feel for the sadness in your life. You really should find someone to talk to, for your own sanity. Your poor wife sounds as if she needs help desperately, could it be hormonal? does this behaviour occur at regular intervals? or could she be peri-menapausal? ( leading up to the menapause). Whatever the reason, I suggest you talk to a professional albiet keeping things anonomous to start with, until you feel you can trust them. At least you won't then feel as if you are carrying the burden alone.

February 6, 2001
12:24 pm
Avatar
jimthzz
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks for the comments.

You madea good point, it could be hormonal, the "spikes" do seem to be cyclical. I just haven't written down the dates. Maybe I ought to.

My other worry is that her troubles may be genetic. Her mother is paranoid and exhibits much more pronounced paranoid and irrational behavior than my wife.

It's a sore point with my wife because she bristles at the merest hint that she might be experiencing a personality disorder.

It's a very threatening thing for her.

As for me, I try to cope as best I can. I have remained with her because I do have affection for her and I want to protect my kids and provide a stable role model for them.

My theory is a bit murky, but I'm trying to maintain the family.

But the cost is quite high.

jimthzz

February 6, 2001
12:36 pm
Avatar
Dilly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I appreciate what you are saying re a stable home for the kids, but what sort of a role-model is she providing? Unfortunately. it seems that she is following the role-model which was set for her during her childhood. As you can see, the cycle has to be stopped or it will continue. If, as you say, the children have already witnessed her irrational behaviour, perhaps you could sit them down and explain what's happenening, they must be very confused. Just a thought, was there really damage done to the belongings? did you see it? and if so, who did it? Hang on in there, I'm sure it will all come out in the wash!

February 6, 2001
11:25 pm
Avatar
jimthzz
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have had these conversations with the kids. Yes, it is troubling--to all concerned.

I hope the cycle stops with my wife!

Damage to items? Sure, the usual wear and tear of life. Button falls off, hem frays, table top gets dinged. Those kind of things. Most people wouldn't give it a thought. So you replace a shirt, varnish a tabletop, sew on a button. Do you think of those kind of things as a nefarious plot to ruin your possessions? Of course not.

My wife's first theory is just the opposite--that I'm wrecking her stuff--really anything that gets damaged in the house or wears out.

She even thought her car's motorized radio antenna stopped extending because I "must have done something" to it.

BTW, I don't believe anyone else is doing such things--yes I considered that she might be. But there is no evidence at all.

February 7, 2001
10:18 am
Avatar
Dilly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I wonder if she is using the old "transference" mentality. where she is blaming you for something that she considers a socially acceptable grievance, because she cannot bring herself to face the real problems in her life. Because, from what you say the "damage" is not worth all the fuss
so why is she re-acting this way? I feel you should get help, this is not "normal" behaviour.

February 7, 2001
11:37 am
Avatar
Cici
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I agree with molly - highly paranoid behavior is a sign of a serious problem. Either she's using this to cope with other stressors in her life, as Dilly said, or she actually believes that these delusions are real. Like one man I was talking to, who has schizoaffective disorder, who firmly believed that the mood stabilizer he was taking orally (lithium) was making the battery in his watch run faster. (Hmmm....)

It's understandable that she would hotly deny having a personality disorder because in our society, a label like "mental illness" is taboo.

you've gone to marriage counselling before? and the conselor didn't pick up on her behavior? bad counselor.

February 7, 2001
6:06 pm
Avatar
Dilly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

To pick up on Cici's points and take them a stage further, is your wife on any drugs that you know of? perhaps there could be an adverse reaction which is causing her irrational behaviour! Obviously the "mental problems" label is abhorant to her because of her own Mothers history.
Anyway, in summary, you should seek further medical opinion and not try to deal with this yourself. What about your Father? couldn't he with his qualifications help you? or if not, at least help you to help his grandchildren to have a more stable upbringing? you deserve a medal for "hanging on in there" but there is no point in labouring under the burden, get out and do something positive, you still have your own life to lead. Good-luck

February 9, 2001
7:58 pm
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Is she menopausal?

Wife of twenty years...if you married at twenty she'd be around forty...STOP

do not say that is too young for "The dreaded change of life"..cuz it isn't.

some women begin to enter peri (or pre) menopause in their 30's.

Hormones (and lack of the right combo) can do insane things to people.

does she want to keep this marriage intact?

You may need to put your foot down and make an ultimatum that you are ready to go through with...

I'd suggest a full physical with "the works" and a female gyn. and let them know about the behavior.

Your kids shouldn't have to suffer through this stuff either. And they ARE suffering ... as you are.

What does HER family think?

February 9, 2001
8:02 pm
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yes...write down her "cycles" and keep track of her accusations.

If nothing else YOU go to therapy..not with your dad (k know you won't)

Tell your wife you are going to get your"sick " behavior fixed....maybe she'll need to go along to make sure you don't "lie" to the therapist.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
32
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110929
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38539
Posts: 714214
Newest Members:
stanley, LarteyWellnessGroup, dr ado spell caster, Leslie Ann Satin, overmyhead201, delight1080
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer