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How to break free( emotionally ) from "Toxic Parents" ?
January 25, 2003
7:47 pm
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Anonymous
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Hello everyone, I am new to your site, and a little afraid.
I am 35 ( shhhhhhh ! ) and seem to be forever attached--emotionally to a verbally abusive parent. I am in a situation where I am still living at home. My circumstances are difficult, poverty and not having the basic advantages accessable being the biggest culprits. I love my parent. This person fought many years to protect me from ,another abuser in my family. A physical abuser. This person-----MY MOTHER !
protected me and her from the hands of a abuseive alcholic dad. Anyway , its needless to say I am loyal to her. But now through the years--AND THEY HAVE BEEN HARD ONES !
I battled illness for 9 years, she has battled illness, I managed to earn my ged after many years out of school.... AND WE'VE BEEN THEIR FOR EACH OTHER, ALL THE WAY THROUGH IT.
Through those years , the critismn and verbal abuse has gotten worse. She is a senoir now , and I KNOW THE BEHAVIOR ON HER PART WILL not change. I know what I should do for MYSELF.....and thats leave.
I know this, have known for years.....but the problem is I can't. I can't seem to get myself to do it. Finacially I don't know if I can. I know I deserve to be treated with respect as a human being , and I am not. I know I should be appreciated, but I feel I am not.....Does anyone out there know what I mean ?? Do you ever" feel " 100% sure, or as you are doing the correct thing when you leave an enviroment like this? What are you you supposed to feel ?
Has anyone been in my shoes? Advice will be appreciated. THANK YOU ALL& GOD BLESS !!!

January 25, 2003
11:32 pm
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I have never had your problem. But I do have some ideas to share with you. Take them or leave them...of course.

You mention poverty and disability and difficulty getting away from home. You say that you got your GED after many years out of school.

I am an academic, so...excuse me...this will be my advice: Get back in school!

I don't hear you mentioning kids or husband or boyfriend or anyone that depends on you except your mom.

Going to a state university and living in the dormatory will be an eye-opening experience. Don't worry about failing out or not being good enough. Just apply! There are grants and scholarships and student loans that will take care of the money. Live frugally...go to study groups...take advantage of study labs...make new friends...discover yourself...get angry about the unfairness in the world...protest against something...be YOUNG and FREE!

It would be an easy excuse to leave home...going to school would be. You can leave things at your mom's house and tell her you're not leaving, you are just going to school for a while...to become...a nurse, architect, engineer, underwater basket weaver, whatever!!!!

You will have 4 years of fun and you will likely have a good job when you graduate.

You can tell your mom that you are showing her your undying appreciation for her protection of you from your dad by bettering yourself...so she and you can BOTH have a better life! (It is not a lie. A better job with a better income WILL help out.) You will feel better about yourself...and have 4 years to yourself on campus to "find yourself."

This is just my advice. Take it or leave it. My love to you, S

January 25, 2003
11:44 pm
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This must be really hard. Treasure, I have never known if I'm doing the right thing. Only in retrospect can one see. I can see now that for a long time I knew that things weren't right, and that I couldn't fix them, but did not leave or change my situation. It is quite painful to live with this fact. It is hard to face now. It hurts. And I beat myself up. In a year, you're gonna look back on this time, and how you responded to the replies here. Make it a thankful time Treasure. Do something different,. Change is so difficult, and so scary. The unknown can be terrifying. Leap. JUST DO IT! That first leap leads to another. And another.....Don't think too much about it or dwell on it. Jump. This is America. You'll be okay. And so will your mom.

January 26, 2003
12:29 am
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you have a good start, and that is that you know its not you. Its hard to seperate the reality from the reality, if you know what I mean. There is always a way to leave if you have to, but this sounds like you wouldn't out of fear, and call of duty, she was there for you,thus you there for her. Not that it is healthy or right, I just understand where you are. Its a pattern repeated, she stayed with him, even though it was harm ful, now you stay with her. I am sure she got warped while with him, and you will become warped staying with her, abuse does that. Check out your choices, surival for you comes first, screw everything else, and when your sick and tired of feeling sick and tired you' ll make changes for your life

January 27, 2003
9:53 pm
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Scherza......Thank you soooooo much for your advice ! I'll take it thank you.
You won't believe this but this is what I've be thinking about--contemplating for a longgggggg time.
You made me see that its a good idea !
Dearest Free.....fabulous name !
Thank you , you cleared it up for me.
Your'e right I'll just have to do it, and stop thinking about it. Because I always talk myself out of it. Molly...you nailed it. Its the same pattern. My emotions and sense of loyalty are becoming a fault on my behalf.
I was afraid of harsh comments....but I have gained encourgement instead.
The risk of speaking out was worth it!
I thank you all for your comforting words and understanding !! Keep posting. Please.

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