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how to become Un-codependant... Any clues.?
September 4, 2005
4:57 pm
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enoch
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Hi scared2bme...and all. I’m beginning to think that the dependency and codependency thing exists for a reason. And I am not too sure that we should desire to dispose of codependency all together. It is intended that we long for or desire each other.
Where things go awry is when our desire for each other becomes abusive. Abusive in the sense of a combination of chemicals, physical, emotional, verbal… and the list can go on and on. The nature of codependency is likewise another form of dependency… the rescuer, one who hides or protects the other.
Why the codependent does this, I don’t know for certain, but I suspect that it is a matter of fear. Not so much as fear of an abusive response, although that is partly true, but the nature of the fear, I think is fear of embarrassment, humiliation, admitting failure and things of this nature.
I firmly believe that we were put on this earth to serve on another, without expectation of return. And the latter is very hard to understand. We are to serve in love, and to graciously accept the love that others have to offer as it is given.
Abuse is not love. Abuse in whatever form is destructive in its very nature. And when a dependent person is abusive in any form, that individual is being destructive. And when the codependent allows them to be destructive, that individual is being complicit and is equally guilty of the abuse.
If, as I believe, we are here to serve and love one another, then we are here also to expose the abuse and the destructive nature of our sin.
So if you are hurting and feeling oh so responsible for everything…then go and seek forgiveness… You are very much loved. And you, like me and every person that you encounter are full of their type of pain, and wracked with guilt.
But there is freedom from all of this, for you and for those who will hear. It is Love. And when you are facing abuse, return it with love.
The intended nature of codependency and dependency go hand in hand and is good, when applied rightly. We are to build each other up. Depend on our spouse for what we cannot do and enable them to grow.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

September 4, 2005
6:21 pm
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Matteo
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I don’t feel comfortable reading the paraphrase of Bible quotation on this site, neither with the promoting of Christian values.

To answer to your thoughts, people become captured in abusive relationships, and become codependant exactly because they, in good faith are loving the person who causes them suffer. If you respond with love to the abuse – you will get more abuse in return; if you love the person and trust that he or she is acting in good faith, and loves you too, while is actually manipulating and using you, in no time you might become codependent. We do not live in perfect world among perfect people; we are not perfect either. All what we can do is to struggle to become the best persons we could, but unconditional love and selflessness is no way to go about it in this world.

September 9, 2005
10:33 pm
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zeldapinwheel
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I see what both of you mean.
The way I've learned to interpret Christian unconditional love is that you can still love and forgive someone while going your separate way from them if they are too harmful to you.
You can still forgive their igorance and harmful choices while choosing to never have any contact with them again.
----Zelda

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