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how to be with friends?
September 3, 2005
11:44 pm
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lost and found
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September 3, 2005
11:56 pm
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i know this sounds shallow, but here goes. my husband has friends that call him all the time. he is always busy. i can go for days and nobody will call me. mostly if someone calls, they want something or want me to do something or loan them something. i always wonder why i can't make friends like he does. i am trying so hard to break out of being alone all the time. i know there are very few people that i just click with. my brother says i am a leader and people follow me. i hate it because i just want to be part of a group. i'm tired of being left out. what is the secret??? anybody know...???

September 4, 2005
12:04 am
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Neshema
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Lost, my long lost friend-

How is the JRA? Okay, here is my 2 cents. Why don't you two have friends as a couple? Why aren't his friends your friends and vice versa? Nesh

September 4, 2005
12:16 am
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cause he has no women friends. he only hangs with the good ole boys club dudes. i know that makes it hard on me to have friends. nobody comes to our house either because he doesnt want them to.

September 4, 2005
12:18 am
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Neshema
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well, therein lies your problem. Why do you blame yourself? My father never behaved like that/

September 4, 2005
12:20 am
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ok, nesh , u just helped me answer most of my question. (how could i forget) the jra is so far, in remission, how r u doing? r u still with your friend?

September 4, 2005
12:26 am
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Neshema
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yes and no. I am frustrated. same old story. Glad I could be of some help tonight.

September 4, 2005
12:27 am
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nesh, i am not blaming myself, i am trying to figure out how to overcome it. it really suck, because, especially in the south, the husband has so much control over the friendship arena.

September 4, 2005
12:29 am
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Neshema
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p.s. what do these guys' wives do when they are out carousing (sp?). They take that sh*t too? I think the women should get organized and put an end to it. You are not doormats. They could have stayed single if they wanted to behave like that. Okay, sorry for being on a soapbox.

September 4, 2005
12:40 am
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one of his buddys wives just devorced him, one stays mad all the time, one works all the time, i don't know, they are all dysfunctional. i guess i am recovering enough in the codep. that i know longer like to be around women that are in pain and complaining or obsessing over their husbands. i have made a few couple friends. it is just so darned hard.

September 4, 2005
12:44 am
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Neshema
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Okay, so there you have it. He hangs around guys whose wives are unhappy. So, maybe there is a reason you also are unhappy. It is part of his culture, and not part of yours (or mine).

September 4, 2005
1:01 am
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well, i am looking for people more like me.

September 4, 2005
1:12 am
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Neshema
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maybe you and your husband need to find some common ground (the person you need to find to be more like you starts with your husband)...ever talk to him about it? Ever try couples counseling?

September 4, 2005
1:21 am
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no, he is an alchoholic and very controlling. he is friends with men like him. we are very different. i dont like the people he hangs with and he doesn't care for the people that interest me. i have spent years isolated. last year i started a new rule. if u are friends with husband i want nothing to do with u. ( water seeks its own level). now i am slowly making friends with a different sort. more like me. this has set me free. of course his friends always treated me like i am an outsider cause i didn't belong to begin with. i see that now.

September 4, 2005
1:42 am
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Neshema
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Why are you staying with him? Is he sober?

September 4, 2005
1:55 am
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no, i am on the road to recovery form being codependent. i am making progress. i quit being his enabler. i quit letting him run over me. i say no now and mean it. i am trying to find and be me. i don't have anything to do with his friends. now i am trying to find my own life. i have come along way from where i was. forget about him. i am trying to get balance for me. i have been isolated so long that i have to really work to get out there in the public now. i am happier now than i have ever been.

September 4, 2005
2:00 am
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its just slow and frustrating somethimes

September 4, 2005
2:23 am
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Neshema
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I am sorry it has been a tough situation for you, lost. You seem like such a sweetie. well, I can't sleep. So, I keep getting up and checking my computer. But, if I don't respond again, I am just finally asleep. Sounds like you are making progress. Know that you deserve friends and happiness. I wonder if sooner or later you will decide you deserve better in a marriage.

September 4, 2005
7:17 am
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bonni
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Hi Lost,
Up until about two years ago, I didn't really have any friends outside my marriage. My dh and I are practically hermits. We are both very introverted. I did have some old friends, but our lives were so different that socializing was painful.

Once I realized I wanted more people in my life, things started happening. I was able to strike up conversations with other mothers at my daughters' dance studio. I became a Girl Scout Leader and my coleader has become one of my best friends. In some ways its a little like dating. We started with conversation and when that went well, we planned some brief get-togethers. Now, we call each other regularly. Its really nice. With my husband overseas, it has been a real blessing.

My suggestion is to try to get involved with activities related to things you enjoy. For me it was related to my children. I don't know what your interests are, but you can meet people anywhere. I think church can be a great way to meet like-minded people. If you aren't into church, maybe some type of community service organization. Also, I love the library. I have a job and that helps me have a lot of companionship, but i have to be careful about forming friendships there.

Hope you find what you are seeking.

September 4, 2005
11:20 am
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gingerleigh
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I used to have almost no female friends. All my friends were men who I knew from work (I work in the IT industry, which is primarily made up of men). I finally joined some outside activities (musical groups for me) and after about a year I bonded with a few ladies who were close to my age and just seemed interesting. And although some of us have dropped those activities and gone on to new ones, we're still close. It just takes time.

I spent some time in the South, and my mother lives there now with her husband, and her experience is similar to yours. She has friends now, but you know what? ALL of them are transplanted Yankees!!!

September 4, 2005
1:17 pm
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Shaney
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You get out of a friendship, what you put into it. It takes lots of time and effort to make and maintain friendships.

I've been with a guy for over five years and he has always had hundreds of friends - the phone rings constantly. We live in the town that HE grew up in, so all of his friends are all around him. If I lived in the town that I grew up in, I'd have more friends too. When I moved here 6 years ago, I had to start all over again, and make new friends. Some of my friends came from work and some were the girlfriends or wives of my bf's friends. In fact, my closest friend here, is my bf's ex girlfriend! She's married with kids so there's no wierdness. It has worked out, but I have learned that I need to put more effort into the friends that I've made - phone calls, making plans, spending time alone with friends and in groups... it's a big effort and it takes lots of my time. But I've found that it's worth it - my phone will never ring as much as my bf's, but hey, it's not a contest.

September 4, 2005
1:36 pm
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Neshema
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Lost-

I realized last night that I wasn't giving you specific advice about how to go collect friends. Well, it can be harder, I suspect, for a married person than a single person, when that married person is not making friends as a couple. I think I was trying to say that. I have lots of friends from work. I think the advice about church/temple or wherever you belong, if you do, is a good one. Another great place where I have had good luck is at the gym. In fact, as a single person, I used to meet guys there too! You see people over and over and have something in common, especially if you get into free weights. Then someone has to "spot" you, and watch over you as you lift. I know this as a former state bench press champ (who is now a wimp!). However, I am going back to the gym for social and health reasons. It is a great place to have fun. You can ask people to show you how to use the equipment. IF you cannot afford the best gym around, go to the YMCA or something. Art classes also are a great place to make female friends.

Lost, it takes time. IT takes time to build trust, and women tend to be more into communication than men. It is easy for a bunch of guys to just hang out and play poker and drink bear and smoke cigars. Women talk about life together. In closing, I would rather have a one good friend than tons of calls from aquaintances. True friends will be there when you really need them. So, get out there and start connecting! if you strike up a conversation with someone, just say "hey, I can we seem to really have a lot in common, we should do lunch or coffee sometime." If you get a positive reaction, then exchange numbers or emails. How does that sound?

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