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September 12, 2009
9:18 pm
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Antagonist
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Lately I've realized that I cannot accept the fact that my relationship has ended and has been over for two months now. I often find myself thinking and hoping that I will get a call from her eventually. I am sick of hoping for this, I don't know how to get rid of this feeling. I know for a fact that if she ends up calling me I will end up back in the roller coaster of a relationship. I would walk back into it instantly. Although I've kept up with No Contact for the past two months, I still have strong urges of wanting to call her.

I don't know how to accept the end and make peace with myself. I feel like I live in the past, I cannot forgive and just let it go. I don't need closure from her since 99% of the time I end up being the bad guy anyway, I just feel like I can't make peace with myself. This is really taking a toll on me since I go through this everyday.

September 13, 2009
1:24 am
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trainwreck
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Antagonist
First you need to identify what happened in the roller coaster you called a relationship. Maybe write a letter to your self describing what happened so you can see from a third party viewpoint of what really happened. Maybe after you try that you might want to ask why was I attracted to such a destructive union.
She probally will call back when she uses up whoever she is with for a second round with you as I did that and paid dearly and I mean I lost every thing I owned and was left with only my sanity and that was going fast. You need help and need it as soon as possible.You are looking for it or you wouldn't have been on this site. This is a great step foward so take advantage of it.

September 13, 2009
1:41 am
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fantas
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Antagonist, Have ever thought about testing for OCD. I have followed your threads for a while now and you seem to be in the same place. You obsess about this situation and it doesn't seem to like you make long term headway no matter how hard you try. Consider checking this out. It could be that this woman is the object of your obsessiveness like others have different focal points. All the best. Keep trying and hang in there!!

September 13, 2009
12:31 pm
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Antagonist
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-trainwreck

I've done all that, and let me tell you it's been a hectic 6 years. It's difficult realizing that I've made the same mistake over and over again, and that is letting her back in my life.

-fantas

How could I go and get tested for OCD? I do have repetitive behavior pattern that keeps putting me into anxiety and panic. Also, I think I am a perfectionist and won't give up until things are the way I exactly want them. I do agree that I am obsessed with her. Of course not in a harmful and malicious way, but I just cannot get her out of my system. I think she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, and I always wondered why did she have to have such hurtful personality.

September 13, 2009
3:19 pm
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Martin Eden
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Antagonist,

My qualifier recently moved out and into her boyfriends house leaving me and our son. Although I miss her terribly and were married for many years, I do not miss the drama. She is an addict in the middle of a relapse-minus the substances. All the behaviors are in place.

My Al Anon sponsor told me a story. He had been to more funerals of codependents than he had addicts over the years. The scene described is always the same; the grieving widow/widower standing next to the codee in the casket with a receiving line, tears, drama, and lots of: "wasn't he/she a great person" And then its off to husband/wife number 2,3, or 4.

It sounds like you have a couple issues at work based on the thread; codependency, control issues, and maybe a little OCD. Whatever it is some counseling may help, it helps me with my stuff.

Just like you I met the most beautiful woman; intelligent, sweet, and very talented-I could go on with more superlatives to fill a book. We have had a life together with many wonderful things. But until I started to go to Al Anon and counseling and heard the words: "take care of yourself" I did not realize how unhealthy and destructive the relationship had been. If a person is not working their program they are headed toward disaster and will take you out with them.

Some of this may not apply to your situation; but lining up your head with your heart does. I realize I can love her completly without complete understanding. And that does not compromise my sense of self because it is a lonely proposition to destroy relationships with people who care about you. Can you imagine what kind of thoughts must be going through the person you were with?

Empathy goes a long way toward understanding, and the open spaces can just be chalked up to: "it is what it is" Life is meant to be lived, not poured over "what if's" You do yourself credit by caring for this woman, but a disservice to yourself by not moving on emotionally-easier said than done I know.

September 13, 2009
5:29 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Antagonist: I sympathize with you and I've been in the position of being obsessive over someone, in fact thats what lead me to aac in the first place.

What I learned was that being rejected in a love relationship triggered something in me- in most cases its from being rejected by one or both parents- and we tend to relive the rejection- which of course we never got over it.

This person who rejected me- looking at it now- we weren't even close to being a match but I put a lot of power in his hands as to my own self worth. and I don't think I would ever do that again, or at least I hope not. Like said above, there does need to be some alignment between the head and the heart, but sometimes it goes much deeper.

Have you ever thought about your family background and how it affects you now?

sd

September 15, 2009
3:25 pm
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fantas
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Antagonist,

I would suggest making an appointment with a psychologist/psychiatrist who emphasizes in cognitive therapy and is also able to prescribe medication should you need that. It's hard to tell if you are actually codependent on OCD when I read your entries. All the best!

September 16, 2009
10:08 pm
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Antagonist
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-fantas,

Sadly I cannot afford going to a psychologist/psychiatrist. A month ago I underwent and operation and I am still paying for some things that needed to get done.

I have realized something in the past week that pretty much summed up my situation. When I was with her, I used to always ask myself what am I doing being with her. I was involved with her for so long that I got used to the pattern. I remember that it became the norm for me, and even if I was miserable, at least when I had a bad day I could call her and she would come over and spend time with me.

Well, life has it's ups and downs, and I am not going to allow myself to be that weak and just because of having a hard day needing her assistance to get on with my life.

I am sure by now she has found someone else, and I am positive she is having a ball and I used to get sad thinking about that, but I realized something that clicked. That is I have my goals in life, I have a dream that I want to accomplish and it will definitely take longer than the amount of time she spent finding a new guy.

I already began working on my own problems, myself and for now I seem to be less stressed out and anxious. I keep myself calm and go on with my day. No matter how hard these days get, it will pay off in my future. I have my whole life to look for.

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