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How suppose to feel a healthy relationship?, from Hopy
January 20, 2005
10:10 pm
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hopyhoo
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Going throw the “we drown process” is so painful….I would like to have some relive (that is not addiction) like knowing what can you expect when you get healthier …how it feels to be with somebody..?
I see so many patterns of unhealthy relationships in movies etc, and” I am trying to relearn the true meaning of what healthy is!!!!”
I don’t know what to expect or dream of etc…does anybody have the same problem?!

January 20, 2005
10:30 pm
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CAMER
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hi hopy, its me again...following all of your threads!!!

I am still not healthy myself, but am in a much better place than i was years ago.

I think what got me to a good place was spending time alone, and not being involved with any men...when I did this i learned to enjoy my own company, and I went to coda meetings and knew I was not alone, and reading coda books...I guess I started liking myself more, and knowing that I deserve more, and not putting up with things that I do not like.

Hopy, it all takes time, if you do this in baby steps, you can look back someday and see how far you have traveled.

January 21, 2005
9:38 am
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hopyhoo
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Yes ,but ,how it "Suppouse to feel"?

January 21, 2005
10:54 am
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Refuse2GiveUp
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I wonder sometimes if a "healthy" relationship is even a reality. I suppose it depends on how you define "healthy," but with all the baggage that everyone is bringing to new relationships and new experiences, it seems that there is always something that isn't quite right.

Also, with the problems that exist between men and women, heterosexual relationships always seem to be so complicated. I can't see how to get around the inequalities of our society within our personal relationships, from daily living to our acts of intimacy. The way that we are socialized to be, act, and think is so degragating to women, that how can a woman be in a relationship with a man and not experience that sort of inequality, which will lead to all sorts of problems. And if the woman is not aware of the inequalities and the differences in our socializations, she may think everything is her problem, her fault (which often ends up happening) when really, it is society's way of controlling the individuals.

I feel like I can't have a satisfying relationship with a man until he understands all of the things I see and feel and understand. Maybe that's an impossibility, but I don't think it is. If he would just be quiet and listen to me! (I'm just kidding). What I mean is that if there is a very strong communication line between the two people, I think many things can be worked through. But it's hard to build and maintain that sort of quality communication that is required in order to keep a relationship stable and even, where both individuals understand the others' concerns and emotions. I would be thrilled to be able to capture that healthy relationship, to find a guy who really understands me, what it feels like to be me, what it feels like to live in this society as a woman, the difficulties, pains, and shortcomings that exist becuase of the way this society has formed itself. And if he doesn't get all that, to at least have the heart and hte patience to actively listen to my words, to really try to comprehend who and what I am.

What does a healthy relationship feel like? I imagine that it helps create a feeling of safety. Safe in trusting the other person, knowing that they understand you and are willing to build a strong relationship together. Some people say that relationships shouldn't have to be "worked at," they should just happen, but I whole-heartedly disagree. I think the natural order of things takes us away from each other in opposite directions. I think it takes a huge amount of effort to battle that natural order of things in order to keep each others' eyes pointed in the same direction, and that all of that effort is well worth it when it comes down to you and your partner sharing coffee together in old age, reminiscing of all the trials and tribulations you've been through, and all the intensely wonderful memories you've built together.

Thanks for listening. Peace, ya'll.

Refuse2GiveUp

January 21, 2005
11:20 am
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CAMER
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it should feel good, knowing that you made the right choice for the right reason...and you should also not
feel any denial from within...you should feel happy with the choices you make and be honest with yourself.

January 21, 2005
4:51 pm
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hopyhoo
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I mean can he be your confident?can he be your best friend? and if it is like that,can you be totally honest with the other without brakeing your bounderies?!!because i heard that it is a bounderie to be "political"and for sample:not to tell your wife that "you are not planing to act upon this but your best frend is atractive or may he has fantasies with her"
(do you understand what i mean?)

January 21, 2005
7:31 pm
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hopyhoo
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what i am about to tll is as intense as i lived it;but was my ticket to living hell,and came out of it to tell:Jan 21 2005
I am very sentimental to day, I am trying to understand how can I hurt so much, from watching bays on TV, pick up the ”promise ring” that he gave for my birthday ,riding my bike ,alone…just walking at the mall…
Trying lately to see beyond the tip of the iceberg, because I know that I hurt too much when it comes to my love life.
My first memory should be when I was about three years old; I didn’t want to be separate from my Mom. And despite my desperate crying she left me in this place where they take care kids before Kinder; I cried so much that she came to pick me up but was upset at me because of it (I felt so desperate that day my life, as I felt did depend on her, was an horrendous experience)
In kinder, nuns school, it was really frightening for me I felt that they didn’t’ care, I felt ax elated from the “others”, very lonely…and even a that time I remember overwhelming sadness whit certain kind of whether. Now, I know the impact of my childhood experience in my life because my parents didn’t know rest. I was going throw depression. From thus days I remember being something like punish because I pull out my panties or somebody panties, remember being two, do not remember the consequences, or how did I have that behavior so young…(that was in kinder)
One time remember being at Rosie? House and her grand pa did something, but my moms don’t think believed me.
(I remember that one of the “values” surrounding my family was being sexy and attract sexual attention, even thought for mom sex was prohibited for kids to know about it, so how come I became so into it?!!. Remember feeling ashamed of my self, dirty, different from other people, carrying a secret…and raising my self there was no assistance from any body, I felt, nobody to relate to or feel secure with. I felt spatially sensitive…daydreaming, a loner .
I was looking for sexual contact when I allowed my self, because I knew” it was an awful thing” (according to mom) in my neighbors house we use to play doctor, and I felt more “different” because I was the one to initiate that kind of game! It looks like I was a pretty “awaken child” in a shameful way.
Couldn’t tell anybody, I was feeling like a monster! Having that curiosity! So uncomfortable!.
One day I end up in my Pediatric Doctor, Rios, Mi first gynecologic “exploration”(to my private and also awe full world, now she is going to know! was my terrifying feeling,)nit only that! She was looking at my private parts with out regards of how awful and ash aiming and terrifying the experience was! With out PROTECTING ME!!!!!I FELT SOO VIOLATED!!! SO OPENLY HUMILIATED!!SOO MUCH ANGER!
So unprotected…that I wanted to grab a cortapapeles knife shaped and stab not sure who, because, in my mind I couldn’t allow my self to get really angry with my mom! Damage was done .My mom ,from more and less that episode, was ripped from my guts…I felt many times not part of the family or not deserving to be in there, I didn’t have support or a word from anybody to try to put my self together from that…I felt an stranger living “WITH THOWS PEOPLE”…Really out of my mind ,I star living in some kind of alter world where some times I came back and share “good moments” in family because I needy it and because I didn’t wanted to cause problems and feeling even more different!. Mi connection with them was during traveling , Parties , pizza in bed, sometime playing with my brothers, but always feel ‘REJECTED”,I guess I was also spoiled some how, and didn’t have coping skills or idea of relationships or how to relate to others and trust .
One time I visited my grandma, Ahidee, I was playing with some neighbors, a girl my age and her little bit older brother start playing with us and chasing me around the house. I remember feeling exited, latter and scare at he same time, I did perceive like it was getting intense, and I lock my self in the bathroom, more scare now, I manage to pinch his hands and run. I told my grandma, she said it was my fault for playing with the boy (I shut up…because I knew that I had that fantasy, excitement, of being chase and felt so guilty)
My mom used to do charity for female orphans with the Dance shows she presented, for my small town, she was very charismatic and popular very attractive woman, with the perfect marriage and family, ( I do have to give them credit, they adore each other until to day, never apart) and gave us a sensation of a very stable marriage and family, we were very dependent on them, and truly happy many time spatially in vacations ,I did adore that .I got to have their attention ,but not really intimacy (there was something missing that still to day I feel guilty of pointing out because I don’t know what it was…actually remembering a vacation after my brother accident ,(I was10 he was 6)
We just moved to this enormous house my parent constructed and the ruff was not finish yet and we were playing (escaping from our two nanas) and he fell, I was terrified, dad will kill me!!! We use to get hit by the belt when behaving badly .My dad, is a very sensitive man he couldn’t hit us for any reason but beside that, this one was a life treating one, that’s what I thought…guilty and silence was all over me…in my innocence, I can’t eve say that right now, I wanted to make him to shut up…it was horrible the pain he was in I can not imaging anybody enduring such a pain! Rush to the hospital waiting for my parents, didn’t talked to me (now I understand that my brother was having seizures, because he broke a few bones in his head and the swelling produced the seizures, and of course my parents rush to see him desperately) he even went to coma and came back a few times…) Remember being I the bed beside my brother in the Hospital, and pretending to be sleepy, I was so cold like already I left my body, I was desolate… I am very nervous recalling this right now…angry, extremely angry! Anxious! i start to obsess with my skin ,hurting my self compulsively (not at this moment but I got to burn my face with acid ,cut my “labia” by my self ,it’ll I ended in the Hospital embarrassing my self for what I done and receiving injections “in there” so they can stitch and stop the bleeding ,cut my wrist ,drag my own blood, take pills starve to death almost…throw the years ,of course I was not eating right ,they continuing ignoring all the signs ,I couldn’t think clearly…Depression ,hate, more mistakes,” more God was wrong in having me. No matter how much I prayed ,I didn’t got any comfort from nothing and nobody ,I was not able to rest any more ,it was more clear that I was living an alter life somewhere in my head…I didn’t know what was all this (post ,traumatic disorder + Depression)but Mental diseases was “the malaria” that any family can have, so they choose to be blind and they DENY ME, “They never like me anyway , I always cause problems”, I got quistic inflammatory acne in my entire face , just to people confirm “that I was a monster!”
I touched, improperly at 10; a six year old girl and then my cousin, and some young neighbors, I was feeling this urges, that even to day I don’t know how to attribute to what!! I was dapperly wanting to die and afraid of it and blameworthy ‘FOR BEING BORN LIKE THIS” WITH ALL THIS!!”
I never thought I would survive throw that, I have being in a hospital for a month and half, there sill were no answers, just prove to incapacitate me more, and more ax late from the world. Basically a lost case, no future. What kind of life can I have after this?
I was just born in the wrong side of the society .The Leprosies” ,poor them, people don’t want to know about them, don’t talk about it and denigrate them …that’s how I felt .And again ,I guess my parents where in shock because they wouldn’t do much, they didn’t know what to think or say…(THAT WAS THE FILOSOFY FOR MENTAL DESEASES IN MY COUNTRY ANYWAYS ) .
So from all of this, how do I get to be codependent?!
I am sorry for all of this…I needed it to vent….

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