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how should i tell
July 12, 2007
4:06 pm
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mean girl
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How should I tell him that this os over and that is that without adding fire to the flame. But I dont want to think that there might be another chance.

July 12, 2007
4:09 pm
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safeinside
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You have to just be honest, it's okay. Do whats best for you. Make sure you wait until you have your head clear, and you have everything sorted out that you two are both responsible for (like bills, cars, house, etc.) and THEN tell him. When you confront him do not be mean just be nice and honest.

HTH

July 12, 2007
4:11 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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if you made up your mind that it's over, then you need to end it and be decisive.

only your ACTIONS will make him realize you are talking business.

if you kick him out, then call him the next day to "be friends", he is going to be confused and try to get back, seeing an opportunity, seeing you left the "door open".

so, once you decide to be done, you need to make sure you are strong enough to follow thru.

be firm.

don't "over talk it"

don't "negotiate"

don't make promises to try again later

don't make promises to stay friends

and know - that once this is over - he is out of your life - so no following him around, seeing what he is up to, asking your friends about him, calling him just to say hi, no worrying if he's dating someone else or partying too much.

Once it's over, it's over.

Once it's done, focus on you and your baby. Also focus on getting yourself child support too...don't take his word that he will send money or drop it off...make sure you get court order.

Work on you - get counseling if you need it, get hobbies, get things to do...enjoy your baby, make new friends....focus on making YOU happy.

July 12, 2007
4:21 pm
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mean girl
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I have been down this road with him before. We both had agreed on ccertain days and times he woukd have his child and what days he would pay me, but if I were to upset him in kind of way, then he said that he would take me to court and try to take our baby away from me. But then again I know he cant take good care of her like I do. He acts like she is on the bottom on his list. But if he thinks that I m seeing someone else or doent know where I m going when I would leave then he would threaten to take her from me. I m not sure what to expect this time around when we talk about money(child support). I know that I asked him about her last night and he had said that he would only see her for 1hr on mon and wed and he would pick her up on fri and she could stay the night because I have to work on Sat. then when I get off I can go get her. I ask him if he wanted to spend more time with her and he said that he would have to work more or he wouldn't be able to pay me. I know that he is lying because he has always worked the same amount of hours and he was able to save $900.00 and still give me money for her, even if it was late.

July 12, 2007
4:23 pm
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mean girl
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Thank you for your wise words

July 12, 2007
5:22 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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don't worry about him taking custody, be the best mommy you can be and don't give him any ammunition...it will be fine.

July 12, 2007
6:08 pm
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Darth Seder
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Verbal agreements will be the stick with which one is beat. A set up for failure.

I would record (legally) any agreements and allow Social Service (FAMILY SUPPORT)to collect the check. Somehow I believe Family Support will provide local guidance in this area. This has problems of it's own but in the end run will be the safest bet.

Men typically utilize money to control (women typically use sex). Given time it seems to be about control. I left a relationship in which children were abused in effort to cause pain to the other (not my marriage). For all the things that anger me in my divorce I am glad both the ex and I were willing to love the kids with the best we had.

Yes, my family support was paid in a manner that provided accountability, in advance and overpaid, when the priorities are the children; lack of funds don't seem to be an issue. I rented a room in a trailer so that I knew I could pay child support, turned out to be overkill but fear is fear. I found using Pay Pal provided accountability when it declared that I wasn't paying. Even with all that, a complaint was filed with the court threatening me with incarceration through her boyfriend lawyer. Accounting print out from pay pal and the stated intent of requesting the judge sentence lawyer with the same consequences, resulted in complaint dropped one day prior demand that I appear. I am certain he was really afraid (not) but I really loved the idea of him going to jail. Losses from the stress of confronting a lie, flight tickets, lost time at work, having to tell my boss about the need to fly to another state, was just too damn bad.

My point being even with accountability one can declare whatever they want. The ex and lawyer planned to declare my advance child support payments were just the gifts of a concerned father and could not be counted as child support. The kids had their own VISA Buxx accounts maintained and paid by me, not a part of our court mandated solution just a fical care package that wasn't controled by ex.

I derived no pleasure in victory, exhaustion was my reward. Bitter, me? sometimes, but accountability has it's own benefits especially when disarming the opposition. I believe the less fighting that greater opportunity for healthy kids, a concept yet unproven.

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