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How much of me am I supposed to give?
February 10, 2009
5:29 pm
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vectormp
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This is going to long and may not make much sense, sorry in advance.
Three months ago I asked my SO to move out. We were together for over 8 years. He is an alcoholic and I just couldn't take it anymore. The mood swings are horrible. I never knew what I was going home to. I threatened a few times to leave and then in March was the final straw (I'm not very good at following through). I told him he needed to quit drinking or I was finished. In June I found evidence that he was drinking, so I calmly told him that he needed to leave, I wasn't living in fear that he would become violent again. I got guilt tripped into him staying that he didn't have anywhere to go and he didn't have a job (another issue, he got laid off after being with the same company for years and he's depressed about it). Then we were just living together, we didn't have much of a relationship. I tried to help him but I can't make him do anything. I was becoming resentful of him being at home and not doing anything. I would get so angry and I let it build up in me. I don't like confrontations either so I would never talk to him because I felt it was pointless because nothing ever got resolved. So in December, he finally told me why he drank so much. It ripped my heart out, I thought maybe he had been abused as a child, but never in my wildest dreams would have ever thought what he told me. I have sympathy for him but at the same time I feel like I have nothing to give. I gave and gave to him before and I can't do it anymore. I know I can't fix what happened to him. I know he won't seek help. He tells me I'm a robot with no emotions. I even told him I can't help him. Just in the past year, he has changed so much from the guy I used to love. I have started counseling, I have only had one appointment so far. I have been reading the threads and I think I am codependent. I think I have to fix things and get approval from everyone. I guess my question is how much of me am I supposed to give? How much am I supposed to help him with the demons from his past?

February 10, 2009
6:12 pm
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CAMER
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seems like you gave well more than enough, otherwise you wouldn't feel this way.

YOu can only take so much, of the promises, the lies, the betrayal....and all just so the person can drink.

I have been there b4, and booze was his mistress!! Vodka was his gf not me!!

You are doing the right thing by breaking away, you have been with him for 8 years and nothing has changed.

Now its time to change yourself, get healthier, set boudaries and maybe try to figure out why you got involved with him in the first place, and stayed with him for 8 years.

You are doing the right thing...you are not alone.

Keep posting 🙂 (((camer))))

February 10, 2009
6:14 pm
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marypoppins
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Vectormp,

This man's brain has been soaked in alcohol, so you really cannot expect any clear thinking from him. Pay attention to what he does, not what he says. You can't change him. People don't change unless they really want to. With alcoholics, it's all about them. He needs to get help, and the 12 Steps don't lead to your door.

It's up to him to get the professional help HE needs, and it's up to you to get the professional help YOU need. If you think you may be codependent, you probably are. Therapy and Al-Anon are good places for you to begin.

You can give years of your life to this man, trying to help him because you think that's what love is. But what you will likely be doing is enabling him. It's unfortunate that he went through that abuse, but it's his choice to deal with it with alcohol.

Love is not the same as dependence. There are many who say they stay with troubled people out of love, but often it's out of fear of being alone and especially out of fear of facing ourselves. Parents will even put their kids' well-being in jeopardy chasing an alcoholic for his love. As long as we stay wrapped up and focused on the alcoholic or drug addict, we can avoid dealing with our own problems. It's not even something we fully recognize until we get some kind of distance from it.

He's a grown man. He doesn't need you to take care of him. You can help him the most by taking care of yourself.

All the best to you.

Mary

February 10, 2009
7:55 pm
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_anonymous
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Vectormp Hi. My husband is an alcoholic. It is impossible to have a relationship with someone who is intoxicated. Alcohol makes someone irrational, illogical and impairs their judgement. As I am sure you already know.

Your right your husband needs to quit drinking before you can even think about rebuilding a relationship with him.

You are right on when you noticed you couldnt make your husband do anything. If there is one thing about a human being and that is you cant make them do anything they dont want to do.

Yes, you are getting angry because you are doing all the work in the relationship and your husband isnt doing anything to help out.

Yes talking to a drunk is pointless cause their thinking is clouded. In other words its a waste of time.

He says that you are a robot without emotions? He finally told you why he drank so much? It sounds to me like he is not accepting his responsibility for his decision to drink.

Of course you cant do it anymore, your exhausted.

His drinking and his past are his problems. It is between him and AA or a therapist to work through them.

The classic definition of a codependent is a person who is in a relationship with an alcoholic.

Alano is the organization that provides support for people who have alcoholics in their lives and want to learn more about alcoholism.

February 10, 2009
10:55 pm
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atalose
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Vectormp,

To answer your question………how much of me am I suppose to give? How much am I suppose to help him with the demands from his past?

Well, how much do you WANT to continue giving? And the truth is, you can’t help him with the demands fro HIS past. Your love, your patience, your understanding, your concern, your worry and your care is never going to fix, repair, mend, alter, help him in any way because HE is the only one who can do that and it doesn’t sound like he’s as interested in his issues as you are with his issues.

You may not understand this today or tomorrow or a year from now, but alcoholics are great manipulators. They know how to suck the life right out of those closest to them as long as they get what they want. It sounds to me like you’ve changed, you’ve become stronger and are leaning towards wanting a healthier life for yourself and he see’s that, thus the discloser about his past, what ever that was has a come at a convenient time for him. He has no job, would have been homeless and a disruption in his routine of doing nothing, no responsibility for himself or you for that matter. He’s comfortable with the life he is living and you are supporting/enabling him to lead that life style. I’m not blaming you, you love/ed this guy but we all reach a breaking point and when we do they seem to dig in harder.

I’m glad you are in counseling and I’m glad you found this site. Al-anon would also be a great place to help you build more strength.

Keep posting, keep venting and when the time is right for you you will do what is right for you.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

February 11, 2009
4:11 am
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_anonymous
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Vectorcmp- Sorry about the typo

Alanon is the organization that provides support for people who have issues with alcoholics in their lives. If you attend a meeting they will get you a sponsor right away. This might be your best bet.

February 11, 2009
6:40 pm
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bblue
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Vectormp

I have been in your shoes/thought process (except gambling is my spouses demon) - he now has a job - got tired of paying and cut off my money (and he has a time line to get help).

I am still struggling with the ready (for me) part but I have started getting my affairs in order - I have to work in progressive steps.

And I accepted his demons are his and not mine - my new attitude is you want help get up off your ass and go get it..
Only he can help him...

I don't know if the definition of codependent is that you are with an alcoholic but if you have been caretaking at the expense of taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, mentally or any combiniation of then seek help...

BBlue

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