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How many are in unhappy marriage?
January 30, 2007
1:51 pm
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Randomwomen2
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I just wanted to let you all know that there is hope but both of you want to want it. My husband and I were going to divorce about a year in a half ago and just a few days before my husband was going to move out something changed in him and we both saught help. We started seeing a church counsler and now we couldnt be happier. BUT BOTH OF YOU HAVE TO WANT IT. Please dont stay if your husband or wife is unwilling to give 100% It is not 50/50 its 100/100.

January 30, 2007
1:52 pm
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Loralei
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"The things that first interest you about a person eventually become the things that annoy you."

That was so true in regards to my exbf. The thing that really set him apart from all the other men I knew, was how 'deep' he was. He was big on analyzing himself, his motives, his intentions. He valued friendship highly. I loved it all. But then he spent most of our relationship trying to 'let go' of his previous gf. He spent ALL his time thinking and talking about HER and what went wrong, why he couldn't marry her, everything that was right and wrong with her. It was neverending. So his 'sensitivity' that I loved so much, drove me away. Oh, and he's still trying to let go of his previous gf now that he's in yet another romantic relationship. Go figure!

January 30, 2007
2:41 pm
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jastypes
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I'd like to clarify. While my marriage is pretty stale and, well, dead, I am not! I am alive and well and happy and thriving! My faith, my ministries, my children, my jobs, and my recovery bring me great joy. My latest adventure is looking into gastric bypass surgery so that I can lose about 150 pounds and feel a little more human again!

January 30, 2007
3:03 pm
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nappy
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Relationships are hard and we all do want a relationship that will make us happy. I don't doubt that but when you are working on it and working on it and you have been doing it for years, the same things over and over again. When does the stop sign comes in?

I know that I grew up in a household that abuse was almost every night. I hated my father for causing it and I hated my mother for staying. Even as a young girl, I use to beg my mother to leave because I just knew that it wasn't going to get better. What was going to make him stop (death). Then when she finally did leave him, it was to late, she had cancer and died before she could really see what it was like to enjoy her life. That was when I decided that I didn't want to live my life like that. Seeing my mother not being happy, just sad all the time and probably crying every chance that she could get. Worrying about him and what he was going to do. That was pure hell. Then I thought about it did she stay because she love him, she made have liked him but it wasn't love anymore. Was she scared or fearful, I don't know but I do know that I was going to break the cycle.
Trying to find that love that we so much crave from other is right inside us. My mother probably didn't need my father so much as he needed her. Without having someone to control, who was he going to control, himself. I don't think so. Someone to beat on, himself, I don't think so.
If I could talk with my mother today, I would tell her the same things that I am saying now. Stop being co-dep and live your life. Stop trying to control things and peoples,because it is a waste of time and energy on your part. Love does not supppose to hurt, Love does not make you sad every other day. And hoping and wishing and lighting candles, does not change a person.
I don't know how long the word codependency been out and I'm sure that it has been around for a long time but it is a shame that we just don't really take this work serious enought to know that it will really hurt you in the end.

January 30, 2007
3:31 pm
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jewel
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I hope I don't end up with an unhappy marriage. I am getting married in may and everything for the most part is great between us right now. It just breaks my heart for all of you out there that are unhappy. Life is so short and you dont want to spend it miserable, but just walking away from a marriage has to be one of the toughest things to ever go through. I couldn't even imagine. I think strong communication is important. I know my fiance and I fight sometimes because we misunderstand one another. We have to be clearer on what we say and mean. I get my feelings hurt for no reason half the time when he didn't even mean anything in a bad way. So I would have to say that communication is one of the most important things in a marriage. And trust. In my opinion, without trust, there is realy not going to be a strong bond. I hope everyone someone gets their marriages straightened out because you all deserve to live a happy life. I love you all.

Jewel

January 30, 2007
5:25 pm
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starryslp
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I am newly married, 10 months today actually. I thought it would be a bed of roses, all love, and affection, like it was before my wedding, but it isn't. I am happy, and my husband is a great guy, I am not as happy as I thought I'd be.
Marriage is hard. It is hard to live with someone who has different thoughts and priorities then your own.

January 30, 2007
5:41 pm
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bonni
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ArmyLeo
Glad to know someone else in my boat. We communicated fairly well while he was over too. I guess I held back alot of my pain and agony though, because if he knew then what was happening to me, it would have killed him. i think i'm the one who changed, not that he didn't, just that i'm so different inside now.

bonni

January 31, 2007
9:19 am
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taj64
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Things are not any better Bonni? Everyone gets married with high expectations but if you live with too much hope and too much fantasy and not really living the way you want your marriage to be and not keeping it real, then you have 3 choices, to either accept it as is, or make it better, or leave to get something better.

January 31, 2007
11:33 am
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nappy
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Taj64, you said it all. You are right. People need to learn that either accept the drama that goes on in there lives or make it better, or leave to get something better.
That say it all because to accept it is to not complain about it. To accept it is to not blame the other person but to blame one self.
Having two people in a relationship that is trying to control the situation is hard. One or the other is trying to get there need met but don't know how. Not knowing that it is up to that person to not give there entire life over to that person that they love so much. To not get lost into that other person and wake up one day and not know who they are. Wanting to take care of that other person knowing that they can't change that person but is going to stick it out and take the abuse over and over again.
As a woman, we tend to have a lot on our plate. Mainly taking care of the WHOLE HOUSEHOLD but that doesn't make us the caregiver of other that are responsible for there own self. If we have kids, then we are the caregiver to them until they reach that age of being an adult and hope and pray that what we teach them will carry them on in life but if you are dealing with an abuses husband, and trying to deal with his faults and you getting the blame for his mistakes, then I would really look very closely to my relationship and happiness and ask my self is it really worth it.
Because as much as we want to complain about the situation to other, they might not say it but is thinking it and it is. "IF YOU KNOW ALL OF THIS, WHY ARE YOU STILL THERE"
And the sad part about it is that we can come up with all kind of nonsense excuse to stay and still complain.

January 31, 2007
1:57 pm
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red blonde
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Nappy ~

I think you are right when you say: "if you know all of this, why are you still there". I believe it is mainly FEAR that makes one stay.

FEAR:

Of being alone

Of being lonely

Of not being wanted

Of not being loved

Of not making it on one's own

Maybe it is the fear of "just being" or "just living"...with one's own self.

January 31, 2007
2:07 pm
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taj64
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Nappy all you said was right on the mark. And fear is what holds a person back. I truly think what Red Blonde said is also describes the fear that many women or men hold and keep to stay in the situation they are in.

January 31, 2007
2:10 pm
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curlybrown
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RED BLONDE- I have heard that saying before; and when I hear it it hits home so hard. Thanks for reminding me that its okay to be me.

I hate my marriage and the person I have become. I once didn't take anything from anybody (before my two marriages). Then after my child, I followed in my mother's footsteps. I want to break the cycle but don't know how and feel like I don't have the strenghth. I try to control myself from having a nervous breakdown by thinking of my son- and that I need to be there for him. But I'm not even there now, I can't enjoy with him what I should be enjoying as I feel depressed and anxiety ridden because of my marriage. I don't know why I stay- the emotional abuse alone- I don't wish on my worst enemy- but why do I allow it for me?

January 31, 2007
2:25 pm
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nappy
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Well curlybrown, the only person that can answer that question is you. You need to break the cycle now because of your son. Why put him through the emotional abuse that will come later if you don't decide on your happiness.
Red blond mention about the word fear:
FEAR:

Of being alone

Of being lonely

Of not being wanted

Of not being loved

Of not making it on one's own

Being alone- it might just happen one day and we will have to deal with it.
Being lonely- that may come also, but you are not alone.
Not being wanted- We need to want ourselves before someone else can want us.
Not being loved- we also need to love ourselves.
Not making it on one own- No it is not easy but some of us who have to, we are making it.
Some way, some how but those of us that are, I hope Is very thankful because we rather be Alone, Lonely, not in needing someone to want us and I'm hoping that they are enjoying all of the love that they bring from within themselves that is shining through the good and the bad.

January 31, 2007
2:32 pm
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red blonde
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Curly ~

I have been 'conditioned' all my life to put others wants and needs before my own, to look to others for my being happy and fulfilled and for their approval.

I am now realizing how much of my life has been wasted trying to please everyone else...when it really didn't mean anything to them.

I am working on myself after getting out of an long relationship. I post mainly on the "How you become prey ..." thread. If you look at the post, I suggest you click on view all posts and read the beginning, it was an eye opener to me.

January 31, 2007
2:54 pm
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curlybrown
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I have been alone, lonely, and making it on my own- lucky for me that's not my fear. I think what keeps me is my inability to accept that all I've done is enough. I always think there is more I can do and that I can handle it. I often think that it is never enough. I think I'll show them- I can do it. It's like I have something to prove. But prove what? And to whom? No one really cares. I guess I answered my own question.

Red blonde- thanks for the suggestion to view all posts - will do.

Nappy- thanks for your insight - it is greatly appreciated.

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