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How many are in unhappy marriage?
January 28, 2007
10:24 pm
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katarina
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I am so depressed. My marriage, my life. It is so hard to be with someone who is not supportive. Not there for you emotionally or physically! I feel alone.

January 29, 2007
12:27 am
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mamacinnamon
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Katrina:

You are not alone. Not by a far shot. A lot of us are in the same type marriage. I am/was.

January 29, 2007
1:15 am
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armyleo
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Katrina,

I am in the same boat you are...you are not alone...

I know what it's like to live in the same house be in the same room, and yet feel so alone, no warmth...

Don't know what to say expect to keep talking here and reading...It's good for you, at least it has been for me.

January 29, 2007
9:25 am
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jastypes
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I'll admit it. I'm in a dead marriage. It's no longer abusive. My husband is clean and sober for 2 years, after 20 years of being a drug addict. I have tried to work up some feelings, but the truth is that we co-exist in the same home (only on weekends at the moment).
Last weekend when I came home from church, DH said he wanted to talk to me. He wanted to know when we were going to have sex again. It's been months. And I said that I have no desire to have sex with him or anyone else right now. I told him that if he wanted me, he'd have to pursue me. Him saying "Blow me" is not my idea of foreplay. So this weekend I was expecting a little bit of romancing. Boy, am I stupid or what? He ignored me most of the time. He did come to church with me though. I have no feelings. I don't care if he stays or goes. Sad, huh?

January 29, 2007
9:26 am
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sleepless in uk
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I am unhappily married too......

I would like some warmth; some laughter, some love

January 29, 2007
9:44 am
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caraway
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Just curious? What keeps you there? Is if religion, children, or some sense of determination.

I have read many of your thoughts and feelings and it makes me sad to think that you are unhappy and unfulfilled. I know that in any relationship there are things to work on, but to not feel that your partner wants to be with you must be the hardest.

I can't imagine someone not wanting to be with woman like you.

Cary

January 29, 2007
10:04 am
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mamacinnamon
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(((( jastypes ))))

I've been wondering how you were. Been awhile since I've seen you. I am sorry things have gotten this bad. You remain in my prayers.

I had a great weekend too. He worked days this weekend and I asked Sat. am if he was gonna come home or go to his bro's. He hit the roof and why did I always question him blah blah blah. I simply said "coz you always do" and he totally went off. I started to get up to defend myself and thought why bother. Well, after work I get a phone call and yep, you got it, "I'm at my bro's". I said, well next time you decide to throw a tantrum because i speak the truth maybe you should think first. He says "oh but honey I'll spend tomorrow evening /w you." Well, yep, you got it, he came home and needed to lay down and rest a little bit and he was out for the night. So much for my time.

Ya know tho, I think I am to a point that I know he isn't gonna be here for me. I think sometimes I could care less about spending time w/ him. He only tries to bait me into a fight. Then he can say we only fight. I'm to tired to fight w/ him anymore.

January 29, 2007
10:08 am
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staying hopeful
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Good question Katerina! I think so many people are in loveless or unsatisfying marriages. Is it the times? Our age? I know for me, at 53 and 31 yrs of marriage, I am very depressed and want more from life. Along the years we have gotten in a rut, have grown apart and gone our seperate ways to some extent. I feel like I have a room mate, not a husband. And this is not his fault. It is something within me. I stay for financial reasons, out of loyality. But what kind of life is that for either of us? I don't know what to do anymore. I don't even feel like trying. My question is.......how do I, and so many people like me, get on with their lives? I know I need to "fix" this problem or move on. But how, when I don't have the energy or desire. I really need some help. Thanks for bringing this up.

Staying Hopeful

January 29, 2007
12:20 pm
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search4peace
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katarina,
You would be surprised how many people are in unhappy marriages. I've been there for so many yrs. that I've forgotten how it is to be happy and not in fear. What keeps me there is fear. Fear of what he may do and of knowing what he has done to me and what he is capable of doing. In ay case I've been married for 20 yrs and dating him for more than 15 yrs. It has only gotten worse. I was a fool for thinking that being married would solve my problems, that being a mrs. would be the answer, it isn't.

I suggest you find what makes you happy and stay with whatever it is. No person will make you happy. Life can be hell sometimes and in my case not worth living when I'm with him. If you decide to leave, don't go back, no matter what. Sure you will miss him but it isn't worth the headaches and pain. My brother's friend gave me that advice in 1991 and I should have listened. I always that abscence would make him come around to my way of thinking. It didn't and I've been suffering ever since.

You're in my prayers.

January 29, 2007
1:42 pm
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dinorah
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Hello, I seem to be happy if my husband is happy. Sometimes he is so great and wonderful to be around. But, more oftent than not he is very unhappy, frustrated, uptight, negative, broke, unfocused. He does not abuse any substances, he has his own business,which seems to be the barametor of our happiness. He has not been making any money and he is terribly upset and unhappy, however, we are far from starving, money is not really a problem. The problem is I have a hard time being happy when he is so unhappy. I also want to tell him what to do because I see a hundred solutions to his problems. It is getting to the point where I am constantly complaining about his constant complaining! I find the need to tell him what to do and how to do it, even though I promise myself I am going to get out of the advice giving business. I have so many wonderful things in my life I want to be concentrating on, a great young son, a job I enjoy and a company, not to mention, friends, etc, but I seem to keep focusing all my attention on his problems and getting him happy so I can be happy. Like, its not fair for me to be happy if he is not? I dont understand it. Any feedback is welcome, thank you.

January 29, 2007
1:56 pm
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nappy
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Dinorah, your happiness is your own happiness, it is not his. You can't make him happy. You can only make yourself happy and you should be enjoying life. You have just set yourself up for trying to rescue him from himself.

If you are smiling then smile on. Let the sun shine on you and if he want to bask into the sun light then let him but if he is bringing more dark clouds then sun then you need to start looking within yourself to why you are letting his misery cause you pain.

You have already answer your question to the problems.
but I seem to keep focusing all my attention on his problems and getting him happy so I can be happy. Like, its not fair for me to be happy if he is not? I dont understand it

Try reading CO-DEPENDENCY, NO MORE and maybe that can help you to understand yourself and why you do what you do.

January 29, 2007
2:09 pm
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ggfred4
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Okay, I tried to ignore this thread...Are there really happy marriages? If so, would you start a thread and let me know the difference. I know mine is not the movies; is anyone's? I have been married for 27 years with 4 children. My husband is a great father, doesn't have addictions, holds a steady job, etc. I feel guilty for even writing on this thread because I know many have it far worse. I do not know if the problem is me or us??? I do know this. I know he loves me, but I don't think he is "in love" with me..To me, there is a difference. He doesn't kiss me and never says "I love you". He does hug me, but then there is the confusion between showing love and sex.

I do know that I used to feel an excitement when I heard his car drive up. Now I don't. I am tired of compromising or even doing what he wants, eating what he likes etc. I know I am codependent and learning about it, yet, I don't know if the problem lies just with me or us??? See, somewhere along the way, I have lost myself. I don't know what I like, can't make decisions, and have just retreated inwards. Now, I basically do what I want, not without arguments though. Sometimes the arguments are not worth it, and sometimes they are...I don't know if he is trying to control me or what? I am totally confused about my marriage....

But am I happy? I don't think so...more like we are satisfied most of the time as roommates...

January 29, 2007
2:53 pm
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soprano2
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Add my name to the list.
I am in an unhappy marriage. I am not really sure if it ever was healthy. I remember that I used to think that I was happy. But everything has changed so much.

Well, at least I know I have changed.

I have struggled with letting it go for a very long time, and now my time has come. My husband is moving about 1400 miles away. It will give me a chance to sort out everything about how I feel. It will give me a chance to take a leap of faith and go at it alone.

I'm happy and sad, brave and scared, heartbroken and hopeful. All of the emotions go back and forth depending on the day and my mood.

We will see how it goes.

Just remember, you are not alone.

s2

January 29, 2007
3:02 pm
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staying hopeful
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GG, I could have written your exact words, except for the arguments. We don't have any. There's nothing to argue about.

s2, Good luck. With some space I hope you find what you need and want. I've tried the seperating thing and I always go back. Call it fear or guilt. I don't know.

I'm trying to figure out ages here. Are we all just empty-nesting? I don't think so. There has been something lacking in my marriage for 12 yrs. I just never took the time to see it. That's a sad statement!

SH

January 29, 2007
3:06 pm
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bangles
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Hi all! Mamac is the only one I think I "know" on here. I think this marriage bit is a big part of the times we live in. Nobody has time and there are too many interests and things to do that people get involved with. Mama, I think you are around my age? 57? Please don't be insulted if I am mistaken and you are not! But, after all these years of marriage, 33, we, too have grown apart. Why we stay is, I think, because it is easier and there are still bonds of love. I think that he is basically a good man...was brought up right, would never hurt me etc. but he has interests that take much time and don't include me...not that I want them to. Consequently, sometimes the time we spend together is pretty superficial. Our daughter is grown and lives out of town. We both love her a great deal. I, nor he, would ever want to cause her concern or alarm. But we don't make the effort with ourselves that we probably should. I think, honestly, if I tried, this marriage could be better. I think he would cooperate. I don't think we need to see anyone or anything, but we need to do some things together to have something in common to talk about. Not just what I do, where I've gone and the same with him. I think that is what it is all about. People are so stretched time wise, money wise; their tempers are short and there is not quality time with one's spouse. And after all these years, there isn't really a lot of excitement left.

Our daughter is in a relationship. Very gently, after observing how her dad and I live, she has said she does not want that for herself on down the road. I don't know what to tell her. Her dad and I went together 7 years before marriage. Another 7 before her birth. We did not jump into anything, and, to be sure, there was passion. But, I think I have answered my own question. I have gone on and grown in ways that are alien to him as well as uninteresting. He has his hobbies which include friends with same interests, uninteresting to me. And, I suppose if we were to meet again now, we perhaps wouldn't even start a relationship!!! So, do I ditch it all? In my case, no. There is much caring and respect for each other. He nor I planned for our lives to go in this direction. I would never want to hurt him,nor him me, I think. So...we go on. How about you others? Any thoughts on this? Bangles

January 29, 2007
5:06 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Bangles:

I'm 47 and no not insulted in any way. I don't know what the problem is here for us. He is unhappy. I had blown up on coffeehouse one day and it pretty much covered everyting. He's resentful I cannot work and he must work a lot. Not near as much as he does, but he doesn't see it that way.

He is an absentee father and husband. He always has time on the weekend to his his "guys" day w/ his bro, but then there is not time for his daughter or me. I think the guilt of that bugs the hell outta him coz he says I throw it up and honestly I don't. Now if I look sad when he leaves that's not my fault. I will not put on a happy face and act like I am in Beaver Cleaver land but I don't verbalize or have an attitude one way or the other. Yes, it totally frustrates me, but I have learned it's better to have no expression than to have one.

Also, I cannot do a lot of things anymore coz of my illness and there are days like today that he gets up and goes off. He's called me every name in the book, told me I'm a bad mom coz my child halfasses the chores I give her to do (what 13 yr old doesn't). He thinks I sit on my ass and do nothing except the computer. He's wrong. Yes, this computer is a big part of my life, but that is because he chooses not to be and I'm gonna have a life. My docs like me on the computer, y docs say my health is better and I look brighter. So, the computer stays.

I know he loves me.. Well I used to. Maybe I still do. I know that he put one more nail in the coffin today that I cannot just bounce back from. I cannot be bashed and then bounce back and say "oh honey I know you didn't mean it" anymore.

But then as GG said about hers, I can say about mine. He provides us a good income, he is not physically abusive, he can be loving and gentle when he wants to. There is still some deep roots here, but I'll be danged if I know he refuses to be a dad and father. He says he's not good at it. I don't know what that means.

Anyway, I'm off to the doctor and a couple hours w/ my mom. Give me a prayer coz she's relentless and knows something is not right today.

January 29, 2007
5:22 pm
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bonni
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we are not so much unhappy as not happy. We used to have a wonderful marriage. Then he went to iraq. he's been home 18 months and i just can't make myself FEEL the way i used to feel. we get along fine. we have a good life. he really does love me and he treats me well. i just don't want to have sex anymore. with him or anyone.

there is kind of someone else, but i don't really want to have sex with him either, we are just close friends. probably there's more to it, but it would never work and i don't want to pursue it.

i don't want to give up on my marriage. we have two great kids and a good life together. i just want to WANT him and love him and feel affection and all i really feel is hurt and bitter and like all my defenses are up.

bonni

January 29, 2007
7:46 pm
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Loralei
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Katarina,

Thank you for starting this thread. You really struck a nerve with a bunch of us. I identify with so many of you, especially gg and bangles.

I've been married for over 30 years and don't remember ever being 'happily married'. The unhappy times were very bad but I don't think there were ever any really happy times. The first half of our marriage, I was madly in love with my husband but he was never in love with me. No passion from him. No romance. No real intimacy, just mediocre sex. I always kept hoping there would be more to our relationship. His disinterest left me feeling insecure, undesirable and with a low self-esteem. I adored him, complimented him, did everything I knew how to do to make him love me and make me his family. My own stubborness and perseverance kept our marriage together. I wish I had known enough to end it when I first realized how unfulfilled and unhappy I was.

He's basically a good man although he has always been very controlling. (something else I didn't recognize for years). During the first half of our marriage while I was so in love, I was unhappy because I wasn't loved in return very much. Then the second half after I fell out of love with him (for not loving me) I just became his roommate more than his wife. I raised our kids practically by myself although he contributed more than I did financially. He wasn't a bad father, but he sure wasn't a good one either. I have basically felt alone all these decades. I've felt like I missed out on living, other than the wonderful experience of raising my children.

He cheated on me in our 4th year of marriage and put me through a year of sheer hell while I was pregnant. The only reason he stayed with me was because he lost his job and didn't have anyplace else to go. We gradually got back on better terms but I was the one still in love and he still wasn't. We continued to drift apart in every way possible. Over 4 years ago I started seeing other men in order to get my most basic needs met. I needed intimacy, closeness, romance, great sex, so I continued with a series of affairs, trying to find whatever I was looking for. My last affair, the one I refer to as my exbf, was the one that affected me deeply. I was so in love with this amazing man. But just like my husband, he wasn't in love with me. He only used me. He wasn't a friend in return for my friendship. Loving him and then losing him has been devastating for me. I had such extreme desire for him but now my libido is nonexistent for anyone. I've been in no contact for 8 months and I'm still licking my wounds, trying to heal. I have no interest in continuing my extramarital activities. I'm just numb.

My husband and I get along okay most of the time. We co-exist under the same roof and still share a bed. Thankfully, the sex is seldom because there is no romance, not enough foreplay to mention, it's so meaningless. I have seriously considered divorce many times the past several years, but what is the point? If I found Mr Right, I'd leave. But at my age and my degree of pickiness, the odds aren't very good. It's easy for me to find sex partners, but finding a good mate, that gets harder all the time. I just don't have it in me any longer to continue the search.

Like I said, my husband is like a roommate. There's no reason to leave if I don't have someone to leave him for. I'm better off staying where I am. We love each other as family. We take care of each other. I do find it odd that he seemed to care more about me after I fell out of love with him. I wish he had treated me back then, the way he treats me now. But it's too little too late.

I often wonder if there are any happy marriages. We always put on a false front for the benefit of everyone else. Is everyone else doing the same thing? Do we all hide our misery and despair, pretending to be happy?

January 29, 2007
8:13 pm
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bonni
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Loralai,
before Iraq, we were happy. we fought and stuff, but not alot. we were happy.

bonni

January 29, 2007
9:02 pm
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truthBtold
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I don't really know if I have the "right" here to comment....as I am currently engaged and not re-married as of yet. My fiancee and I live together. We have been living together for several months now. This will be a second marriage for the both of us when we do decide to tie the knot - and each of us is determined that this will be the last marriage.

He is 49 and I am 46. We have no children together (I had to get a hysterectomy in my 20's) and he has a great teen-aged daughter whom I met over the holidays.

In many ways we are opposites....he's republican - I am by and large a democrat. He likes football - I write and recite poetry. But beyond that - we both have good hearts. We are both "last borns" and hence have many things in common in that way.

He is as sincere as the day is long - and so am I. He knows about my background...and doesn't try to "fix" my issues - nor I of his.

It hasn't been easy. There was a major "power play" at the beginning or our relationship, which I feel that we have finally "ironed out" for the most part. I am very, VERY independent and will stand my ground....and he will to - so we compromise.

I think the thing that is really most important is that both of us have a great sense of humor and we can each laugh at ourselves and with each other.

I am learning that the older I get - the more blunt I become! Like the other day.....I got sick and tired of always being the one to take responsibility of ALL of the household chores when both of us work and so I said something about it. He travels quite a bit because of his job - and I, well got to feeling that he was treating our home as sort of a "flophouse" He was surprised and said......Awww baby.....a FLOP House? Then we both started to laugh....and I told him - that when he saw that the bathroom needed cleaning or that the house needed to be vacummed or dishes and clothes needed to be washed....don't wait for me to bring that to his attention......just DO IT!!!! So, after laughing a bit - he agreed.

We have/had a real problem in deciding where to go out to eat every Friday. I like Japanese.....he likes Hooters....or any other place that shows sports on 27 plus TV screens....so we take turns. We get into petty arguments, but do it in such a way so that we both kind of end of laughing because we realize that we are both so bull-headed and laugh about it.

However, the other night - when I was being very blunt and talked about the "Flophouse" notion and voiced my opinion loud and clear etc....afterwards - I realized that I just couldn't stay mad at him.

That's a first for me. I guess that means that we have built a solid foundation.

Now - in my second go 'round.....I don't just clam up like I used to expecting him to figure it out.....I let him know my concerns very, very clearly - and I think that I have gained his respect because of this.

The bottom line is that we both have a sense of humor.....and I think that that will help us to weather the storms of whatever may come up in the future.

We are both committed to communicating things that are on out minds - and I think that that is really key....also - feeling safe with each too.

Just my 2 cents here.

January 29, 2007
9:26 pm
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armyleo
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"My own stubborness and perseverance kept our marriage together. I wish I had known enough to end it when I first realized how unfulfilled and unhappy I was."

Yes, that is me, I could have ended it real quick during the affair, yet I became pregnant.

Bonnie it's been 18 months since my H returned from Iraq too...during his absense, we communicated so well through e-mail, I thought for sure when he returned we would be better off than when he left. However that was not to be. I realized how unhappy, I was before, and how unhappy I am now.

January 29, 2007
10:05 pm
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red blonde
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I have been have been in three unhappy marriages and one unhappy relationship. If asked, I would have to say that the relationship was the unhappiest and most frustrating of the three especially for the past five or so years. No love, no communication, no championship, no support when I needed it, we did only what he wanted, sex was almost non-existent without foreplay, kissing, cuddling, passion, anything! I went from sleeping with him at night to my going to bed later and later or falling asleep in another room. I tried to make things better, nothing worked. So I would cry and gained alot of weight. The loneliest feeling in the world is sleeping next to someone you no longer love or no longer loves you and not even wanting to be touched by that person.

I am currently alone, but don't feel nearly as lonely or "alone" as I had felt with him. And I don't think I could settle for a relationship like that ever again.

I have lost a ton of weight, got a new wardrobe, and cut my hair. And am looking almost 20 years younger than I am. Being alone right now has its benefits, I can come and go when I want, eat what and when I want, take care of myself only without having to caretake someone else or constantly putting someone else before my own wants and needs. May sound selfish but it is better than just "being there". I am learning to be happy being just me. I go out on dates with whom and when I want. (And the men attracted to me are more than twenty years younger than me.) Would like someone more my age, and maybe someday that will happen, but I feel better about myself and no more "lonely/empty" feeling as I did in the last relationship.

There are alot of people out there who are unhappy in their marriages. I know several. And I know several happy marriages as well. Some of the women in the unhappy marriages are now asking me what they should do, but they have to make up their own minds about what they want to do. But it has been always the same story...the same feelings that I felt. I don't think there is anything that can ever change things "back", so it may not have been there in the first place. So why stay? For the kids? An unhappy marriage is just as abusive and as destructive on children as a physically abusive one. Kids are not stupid, they see and know what is going on and what is not right, and sometimes they think they are responsible. I know, been there, done that, as a child once myself.

This is only my opinion and my own experiences.

January 30, 2007
11:12 am
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nappy
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As I have been reading this, I had to ask myself a question.
Why I haven't never gotten married?
At first when I was young, I thought that when you are young, your dreams of finding a husband, having childrens and living the June Clever days was the ideal life. That was suppose to make you happy and I'm sure there are some on this thread that felt the same. But when they found the husband and had the children and trying to live the June Clever life they realize that it wasn't making them happy.

Leave it to Beaver show didn't show the real life behind it. Here June was so caught up into her husband, the children and the home life that she forgot who she was. She got so caught up into everyone elses problems that she didn't have time for herself. We didn't see the act of her being co-dep.

I don't know what it is like being in a marriage that is not making you happy. I can't even imaging being unhappy for such a long time. But some where in there the blame lies on oneself because they choose to live like that. Some feel that living in unhappiness, living in fear, living in pain, living in saddness, self pity is the way of life. But it is not. Sometime I think that some people spend to much time in the negative part of life when there really is so much positive. Before I ask myself if I in a unhappy marriage, I would ask myself why? We want to blame the other person but all in all, it is really ourselves that allow the pain. Life is about being joyful and being a peace, I just can't imaging being unhappy for such a long time and not seeing the joy of life before it is to late.

January 30, 2007
1:40 pm
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caraway
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nappy,

Good points. For me, I think that I always come back to this unhappy place because it what I know. I learned from my mother.

Someone told me last night that what ultimately kills a relationship is the differences? I thought about that in a new light. The differences in where you are from, the differences in sleep cycles, differences in manners, etc.

The things that first interest you about a person eventually become the things that annoy you.

Cary

January 30, 2007
1:50 pm
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red blonde
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Nappy ~

I know what you are talking about. I have never been in any really LONG term relationship...I guess the longest was 8 years.

I was conditioned to believe the June Cleaver way of life. And, after being in several marriages and relationships, I thought maybe the problem was with me. It isn't, it was just the image impressed upon us by society and television. Especially, the "stay together for the kids sake" bull sh*t! If it is an unhappy and/or abusive marriage or relationship, the kids suffer from it as well. And more likely the cycle will continue with them, because that how they get to be 'conditioned' as well.

I worked with battered women and children as a non-professional...I can relate to them...because I was one myself. My childhood was abusive, and I went into abusive relationships...because I didn't know anything else. June Cleaver? That has been a "fairy tale" to me.

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