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how long should I wait?
October 5, 2004
9:30 pm
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starlight
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My husband and I have been married for 8 years. The story started years ago, but I always "made everyone pleasant" and didn't address the issues until a couple of months ago. He has depression, won't speak to anyone, blames it on where we live. I have got the job and don't plan on leaving it - too many benefits that keeps us safe. He lost his job a year and a half ago. He came home and hung around for the summer. We had a tradegy happen with friends of ours and he was there to witness it. We spent the winter trying to heal, but he should have gone to trama counseling. This spring, he left in the evening, drove 5 hours, had a couple of beers and got stopped at a road block - got a dwai. He came home and sat around for the rest of the summer. I couldn't deal with the depression dripping from the walls. I took our 7 year old and spent some nights at our summer camp. One weekend I came home and found him with a woman at his parents summer home. I immediately kicked him out. I didn't want to live like this anymore. Had he done this before? Was he looking for an excuse to leave me. We talked a couple of days later and he admitted that he needed counseling. FINALLY! He went. I went. I got through mine. He tried, but wanted to go back to school. Financially we are in trouble. He is away now - going to school - he is in deep depression - I think deep down he wants to have someone just come and fix it all. It used to be me. I can't do that anymore. We love each other very much, but I just don't think I can do this. There is more to this loooonnng story. After I was told I was codependant, I have worked hard to change that. My son comes first and then me - it is difficult to sit back. I don't know how long I should wait with this.
Does anyone have a success story?

October 6, 2004
12:35 am
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bubishi76
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Starlight,
I can't say that I have a success story but I think maybe I can help you through all of this. Everyone on this site can. Depression I think is something that just starts a downhill spiral. As you can see, one thing after another just gets worse. YOu say that he is away at school. Is he doing well?? If so then he is a functional depressive that can get better should he choose. I can't imagine why it is that he would cheat with another woman. THe only thing that I can think of is that old saying that they are trying to feel something other than the depression. This of course does not work. It only makes things that much worse. First of all, you need to keep on keepin' on for you and your son. THat is the priority. I will tell you that you cannot help anyone else unless you have Focus. As far as your husband. It is up to you whether you choose to forgive the infidelity. Not many people can and if they say they can, they often still hold restentment and trust issues. I'm not sure that I could ever trust someone after they cheated. If you do love him, all you can do is try to support him the best you can. Understand that you will not be able to fix his depression no matter what you do. It is going to have to ultimately come from him. You can support him along the way, but you won't be the fix all. Work on fixing yourself and being there for your son. THat is probably the best thing you can do at this point. Keep lovin' your hubby if you still do. If and when he beats the depression kick, he'll realize what a great person you are. If you choose not to because of the cheating, then heal yourself and keep going forward.Work on finding your balance.
~Bubishi~

October 6, 2004
12:55 am
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southgoingzax
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A friend of mine is struggling with much the same issue - she works part time, he just started a new real-estate company when 911 happened, and he virtually had no income...He had always been moody but got really ugly, started snapping at the kids, blaming my friend for making him "unhappy", etc. She is struggling with what to do. They went to therapy but he completely refuses to admit he may have a problem (bi-polar; mental conditions are evident in his family, too). His son even wrote a poem, and I can quote one of the lines, "I am a disease to my father...I am just a boy who sometimes is afraid of the dark and sometimes afraid of my father". And it had absolutely no impact on my friend's husband. He made excuses, "Oh, he was just writing that to impress his friends." What? To make a long story short, my friend doesn't know which is worse, dealing with divorce and visitation rights and step-families or dealing with her husband, knowing the negative impact it is having on her children. You have to decide which is more damaging for your son. And then decide how to live with that decision yourself. It's hard, not fair, but what else can you do? If he refuses to get a medical exam and/or go on medication, he will never take responsibilty for the way he's been acting.

ZAX

October 6, 2004
9:02 pm
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starlight
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Myself and my child come first.
What is driving me crazy is not knowing.
He calls for information about bus tickets to come home.
I give him alternative routes that are free and from friends who happen to be driving there and it's a big problem. He wants me to find the alternative route that costs more - I am saying that friends can give him a ride - he says I just need to know how much the ticket might be - I'm thinking -...- WHERE'S THE $$$ GOING TO COME FROM. It's not much -- it's the principal. Take a ride with a friend.. Are you that embarrassed? Grow up - you are 43 years old - call them. He's doing that, but I had to get loud to tell him that - like a teenager...HE'S MY HUSBAND!!! Act like one!
My child is quiet about all of this, but we all know how much they take in and he's not stupid - . I think he'll be okay - but I want him to love his father who is not a bad guy just a messed up one right now.
Did you ever see a Beautiful Mind? I feel like I am living that movie.

October 13, 2004
8:37 pm
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malik
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I think you should pray and ask God for the answer. Now remember God speaks through people. So start looking and listening to people and you will get your answer.

October 13, 2004
8:55 pm
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bubishi76
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Starlight,
I'm not sure the situation here but this is my take on things. I figure that if it is a matter of some ride from somewhere, Then he should take the cheapest and easiest route that gets himself back to you. Why can't you give him a ride?? Like I said, I'm not sure what the issue is here. Maybe you could clarify????
~Bubishi~

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