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how long does it take to recover from codependency?
March 17, 2010
6:34 am
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lost and on eggshells
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I'm just finding out I'm a codependent and I have a narcissistic, controlling, verbally abusive boyfriend that I keep going back to. I'm speaking with my doctor today about getting help. This sounds like such a long road and I'm afraid I will keep this horrible boyfriend around for a long time because of this horrible need I feel for him. I hate it and yet I keep running back to him. Once you start intense therapy do you start to see more clearly right away? I'm scared of where I am.

March 17, 2010
8:31 am
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curious64
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The best advice I can give you is to read a book called, "women who love too much". I too am in the beginning stages of recovery from codependency, but this book has helped me to see why I was willing to keep this toxic man in my life and is helping me to detach and let it go.

I'm now beginning to ask myself why I ever stayed with him so long. There will still be ups and downs I know, but I am on my way and I really give the author of that book credit, as well as this website for helping me. Good luck, keep posting and reading it really helps.

March 17, 2010
10:27 am
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LouWho
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Read everything you can get your hands on. Join a Coda group if you can not afford professional help. Probably best to do both during this time if you can.

Keep posting, it helps more than you think.

We are all on the path. C'mon.....

March 17, 2010
11:37 am
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sdesigns
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Sounds like its impt for you to look at reason why you would even want a narcissistic, controlling verbally abusive boyfriend. And that usually involves looking at our parents, our past, and see how we were raised and what we were taught to tolerate. Good luck and welcome.

sd

March 21, 2010
10:54 am
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lost and on eggshells
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I'm finding out that my toleration is sickening and makes me sick. I am weak and dependent on a man that isn't nice to me. I don't talk to him during the week much... maybe a few texts but he never calls to talk or wants to see me. It seems he has the best of both worlds. His ex wife is extremely nice and allows him to go over and hang out. She does it for their son but he is more abusive to me I think and she gets the nice guy now. He sees me most weekends but I'm never sure what weekend he has his son and I rearrange my schedule every weekend for him with my son. He knows I like to plan ahead for things so he won't tell me. He's my only friend really right now because I'm unemployed and have lost a lot of friends these months I've dated him. I'm very unmotivated to reconnect with friends because I don't want to subject them anymore to this madness and they had enough. I'm very lost. I've read books on narcissism and codependency and I understand what this is. I wish I were stronger. I want to be stronger and not feel so needy of him.

March 21, 2010
5:06 pm
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atalose
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lost,

Welcome, it’s not easy is it. It’s good you are recognizing patterns in yourself (being needy) that are healthy will not attract healthy people into your life.

Recovery is possible with some hard work and a strong desire to have a better life with someone who doesn’t treat you so poorly.

It sounds to me like you continue to keep the people who can support you the most at bay by not reconnecting. It also sounds like you want advise on how to get him to change who he is, not possible to change another human being.

I’d also say that by coming here and opening up, that’s strength!

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 21, 2010
5:53 pm
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fantas
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Welcome,

You are well on your way to taking your power back. I do not know about how long it takes because it all depends on your circumstances, the work you are willing to put in etc. I think if you put your emphasis on feeling better and making healthier decisions for yourself, you will be doing a kinder thing for yourself. A time line puts pressure on you.

We codependents are very hard on ourselves and we judge ourselves too harshly. The first and I think most difficult lesson to learn is to go easy on ourselves. If we can treat ourselves kindly, we wont allow others to mistreat us. I think.

Keep up with the reading and counseling you will get there. A time will come when allowing such a person as your boyfriend into your life will just not be an option.

Keep posting we are here for you!

March 21, 2010
7:32 pm
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atalose
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What I meant to say is, recognizing patterns in yourself (being needy) that NOT healthy and will not attract healthy people into your life.

Guess my mind and fingers are not working together today!!!!!

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 22, 2010
7:53 am
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lost and on eggshells
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I have dreams of him with other woman and his is a huge part of why I cannot let go of him. It's hard to imagine him with another woman and it's preventing me from making the step. He just bought this huge sleep on boat that he plans on spending a big part of the week on over an hour away from me. I think of him with other women and entertaining them. He puts on such great charm for women and is the PTO president for his kids school and looks so wonderful. ugh!

January 24, 2017
4:22 pm
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Alldepending
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I have dreams of him with other woman and his is a huge part of why I cannot let go of him. It's hard to imagine him with another woman and it's preventing me from making the step. He just bought this huge sleep on boat that he plans on spending a big part

lost and on eggshells said
I have dreams of him with other woman and his is a huge part of why I cannot let go of him. It's hard to imagine him with another woman and it's preventing me from making the step. He just bought this huge sleep on boat that he plans on spending a big part of the week on over an hour away from me. I think of him with other women and entertaining them. He puts on such great charm for women and is the PTO president for his kids school and looks so wonderful. ugh!  

I had two strong personalities at either end of my spectrum ... My mother and my husband. I have recently left my husband. The same as the story above, my husband is charming and knows how to make women melt. He's not even the best looking guy in the world but he has mastered tactics ... has some sort of unexplainable power and when he uses me as bait to make women feel better than me, well they fall for it and drink it right up. This has caused friendship issues where there is a sense of competition created. He does it so smooth and subtly that you don't even know it's happening. On one hand i feel that he is my savior and took such good care of me and i wasn't grateful enough to him. And there are so many good times; like when he would just turn to me and say "I love you". But then there were those times toward the end especially where once he got the floor, he would scream and holler untruths to me and about me and scream at me to 'shut the f**k up in front of our grown kids. In turn they would look at me and say "Yeah"! I felt ganged up on. How could he make even our children feel that this behavior is okay. At the time i was being ganged up on i thought i deserved it. This sort of thing never happened in the beginning of our marriage it just became a progressive thing. I really wanted to leave but i was afraid; i thought he would turn my kids against me and i would be alone and i did not have access to anything as he was in control of our money, all of our assets, the bills etc. We started with nothing and built our businesses yet i had no access to anything and i started to wake up. I left once before and realized i had very little money and couldn't sustain. I had to go back. He did give me cash every week (i call it allowance with sarcasm) and i began saving just in case. I didn't realize i was probably planning. I took a chance and confided in my daughter about something he did; i caught him charming/manipulating a friend of mine (he had done this and many things before). When i questioned him he would make me believe i was crazy and imagining things. So i set up a recorder in my kitchen and caught him making out with her; a lot of dialog even compared her to me and i was at the bottom of the totum pole. i told my daughter i was thinking about leaving and told her about the incident which was mild compared to the other things. Somehow he made her believe i was crazy for recording him and now they hate me! ... Ganged up on me again and i left. i felt empowered at first but then i bottomed out and found myself in murky waters not knowing if i would sink or swim. I pulled out, i still have some bad days but i'm gaining clarity more and more every day. It has been a year since i left and i still sometimes want to pick up the phone and tell him to rescue me but i know i'd be in a worse situation if i went back. There's so much more but i'll just leave it here. I'm reading all of these stories and i see a common thread; it rings loud and clear so true about how we were raised and by what kind of person that draws us to the one we choose. I too had dreams about him with another woman (a woman in particular that i suspected) in our vacation homes for example and guess what that's exactly what happened. Even took her on our anniversary weekend! Taking it one day at a time.

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