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How in the heck--dumped for a new one
January 3, 2006
10:11 pm
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beenajerk
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I've been hurting for about two months now over the loss of a woman I deeply cared for. Four monthe ago I asked for some time out from the relationship to address an issue that was preventing me from moving forward. About six weeks into my hiatus, she announced she had found the best thing that had ever happened to her and that she was moving on. I have no reason to believe that this had been a long-standing relationship that just happened to surface. It came totally out of left field. I have seen the pictures of her and him on her dask and her computer screen at work. They are now engaged to be married. I'm still in stunned disbelief these several weeks later. My question is how does someone make the transition from one lover to another so quickly? At this point, I get sick to my stomach just thinking about being with someone else. Maybe I'm stupid, but I just don't get how you move from one serious relationship to another so fast and be OK with it. Please help this hurting, confused guy.

January 3, 2006
11:35 pm
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Rasputin
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(((Beenajerk)))

I am sorry for all the sorrows and agonies you are going thru. My heart goes out for you, I have been there in a situation like that with previous bf so I know where you coming from.

My advice to you is to FORGIVE HER! I know this is easier said than done. But by forgiving her you will actually be doing yourself a favor and healing your broken heart.

Being on a rebound is never healthy to start a new relationship right away or within short period. I do not think she will have happy marriage. Do not let appearance deceive you!!!

Forgive her and wish her all the best! That's what I did with my 1st bf even tho I did not feel like it!

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep us posted!~Ras~

January 4, 2006
1:01 am
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exoticflower
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((((beenajerk)))), I went through this with my ex after the first time we split up, while I was pregnant no less. Try hard, even with the pain that of course it causes you, to see this as what it is: a reflection of her unhealthiness. TO be so detatched from a relationship that meant so much to you...it's a good thing you did not stay with her. I try to remind myself a lot that I deserved, anyone does, a greater level of emotional commitment from a partner that I would want to be with. Anyone that could forget it all so quickly did not value it as much as you deserve for it to be valued. It hurts, I know, but there is an underlying message, this person is not as warm or emotionally invested as you, ergo not an equal or like partner for you, and odds are you could not have found true happiness with her. I do wish this where not so hard on you, I know it is gut wrenching right now, but try to hold onto those things it reveals to reference later to help you through the pain and find peace when you are ready. But allow yourself the hurt and anger too, it is apropriate and needs to be worked through and aknowleged. Hugs to you.

January 4, 2006
1:34 am
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Lass
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Equal emotional commitment... wow that's a great phrase to hang onto. I liked your post EF.

January 6, 2006
1:17 pm
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Anonymous
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Been -

I too wonder the same.

I was with a guy for three years - and he SWORE he would never marry again, the first two were too painful.

We were on a roller coaster - on again off again - and finally - one day I discovered that a friendship he developed online "appeared" to be something more. She lived across the country - but they still talked enough for her to start calling him honey and saying she loved him. And yet, they never spent much time together, had only met once and spent a couple of days together and he swore she was horrible.

Well, I ended it - and a month later, they were engaged.

I suspect he may have done that cuz he caught wind that I, too, was engaged - but they actually set a date, bought the ring and everything.

She moved here and I don't know what became of the rest - except that they didn't follow thru on the wedding, on the date they picked.

I still have not gotten married and the engagement is on the back burner.

But I think the reality is that people who are emotionally "unhealthy" frequently do move on quickly. They use the next "love" to band-aid over the pain of the lost love.

And like my situation, perhaps the relationship was sort of in progress all along....

I was jealous as hell when I hear he was getting married. Hurt too - after three years of telling me he would never get married - now this after one month?

Anyway - in the end, it's not about me - it's about him - and I didn't want him - so whatever happens from here on out - is his business.

I do believe that some people are just not "right" for eachotehr, no matter how much they love eachother - it just isn't meant to be.

January 6, 2006
3:04 pm
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Matteo
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I am sorry that you are hurting, I know very well how it feels to loose someone we love.

I absolutely agree that jumping easily from one relationship to another is a sign of a lack of emotional health. Quite probably she would not be able to be for you and with you for longer time the way you would wish for. It would probably show in the future that you would not be happy with her for whatever issues she has.

Having said that, it does happen sometimes that two people meet and click instantly and are happy forever, or at least for a long time to come; let's hope that happened in her case. Highly improbable, but possible.

The third scenario is that you've had your issues in that relationship, maybe so did she - and she was not happy; maybe she was not happy with you and moved on (emotionally)long time ago already; you asking for a time out just set her free.

In any case it seems better for you that she did move on, maybe that relationship wasn't meant to be after all.

Aside from how quickly she moved on, I don't understand the concept of asking for time out, by the way. What does it really mean? That you are not together but you will be back and she has to wait? Or that you are not together but maybe will be in the future? In the second scenario, you should not blame her that she moved on. In the first one it wouldn't be fair to even ask someone to wait for you, unless under conditions discussed and agreed to by both parties, for a short while. MHO.

January 6, 2006
4:23 pm
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Notsure
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Because I had some issues in my life that I needed to clear up I broke off with a girl who I loved (though I didn't know how much) and who according to her loved me. I told her that I needed time to sort a few things out but that if she needed to date I understood. Her friends dissaproved of us and tried to hook her up with someone pretty quick. She was out with a new guy in a matter of 2 weeks and sleeping with him on the third date. I was absolutely devastated as what it indicated to me was that she was able to substitute/differentiate/transpose her emotions so very quickly. She explained later that she simply felt rejected. Anyway a long story short we got together again about a month later as I realized that I have never loved anyone as much as I did her (and I am 49) and likely never will again. However it didn't last. I think of her almost everyday as well as her betrayal of the passion that brought us together. It is too much for me to bear. She is a black and white girl (whereas I can be gray) and she has a vindictive streak. Knowing how much I loved her made me realize the damage that I would/could do to myself if she hurt me again in the future. Better not to have that occur as I couldn't take that chance nor give her that opportunity. It has been a difficult 6 months and still is but I think I am doing well. So my message to you is be thankfull, be happy and rememebr that there are and will be others out there for you, just accept that it won't be the same. Regards. Notsure

January 6, 2006
8:31 pm
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Matteo
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I'm sorry, Nosture, but what if she really felt rejected? You've said that you broke off with her. Why you cannot forgive her for what you wanted her to do in the first place? Is that that a woman should wait for you till the rocking chair - because - - maybe -- you will realize that you didn't want to break up and want to be with her? Why should she? And now it is her fault and you cannot forgive the betrayal. But weren't you the one who betrayed her by leaving? What if you didn't decide to come back, should she be still waiting?? I am really confused with that logic, would you care to explain?

January 7, 2006
9:01 am
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Notsure
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Hello Matteo, briefly as it is not my original thread it is beenajerk's. Simply put I do not and cannot understand how someone who says that he or she loves you and wants you in their life for ever (therefore indicating strong feelings)can go out and find someone else (and therefore replace what you two built up over a period of months or years) in the space of two or three weeks. If the person is feeling rejected then they are doing it either out of not wanting to be alone (and therefore not having to cope or deal with the rejection) or out of vindictivenesss as in "if he doesn't want me I will find someone who does". I think that where I feel betrayed was in how fast the substitution occured. In closing it is not having an affair and drifting to that person after the primary relationship end rather it is about a couple or being married who split and the other person finds someone else within 2 weeks. But of course it happens, though I question the motivation. I don't know if you are married or not or female but just ask yourself if you and spouse split (or in my parlance took a breather needing some time alone but not wanting to lead someone on or give them false hope by saying wait for me)and then your spouse goes and finds someone else within 2 weeks how you would feel? I feel that being able to substitute any part of a relationship (be it social or emotional) in such a short time diminshed what we had thus my sense of betrayal. Think though that unless it actually happens to you it becomes hard to explain or perhaps understand. Regards. Notsure

January 7, 2006
10:35 am
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Matteo
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Notsure,

I am not sure how would I feel, but first of all I would not put myself in that situation. No I am not married. In my previous relationships I used all avenues before splitting up, so I never come back to my ex's because before I walk away, I am sure I don't want to be with them. If I am not sure what I want, that means I don't want them. I let my ex back once against that rule and I regretted it, it wasn't worth my time and my feelings much earlier in the relationship were right. I would not break up with someone and expect them to be there for me, no matter after a day, month or a year.

If you left her so easily, knowing how she feels about you, seems to me like you took her for granted. Yes, you are right about the reasons why she went so fast, but that is a totally different story. If you were disappointed that she did, despite promising everlasting love, you were not honest with yourself about your feelings towards her. Or was it just your pride hurt?

January 7, 2006
10:59 am
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FindingSelf
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Band-aid as was said above. Exactly. The only reason to jump from relationship to relationship is to make yourself feel better about the last one. People who tend to do this, are people without coping skills, and self knowledge, and people who define their existence through their relationship with other people entirely, and not through them selves. I've done this. I relationship hopped and never caught my breath, sat down to reflect and learned nothing about myself in the process. Time must be taken at the end of each failed relationship to understand the sequence of events that lead up to it's failure, and to reconnect with yourself. Your gf is not being fair to herself, or her new bf because she is not taking this time.

January 9, 2006
7:44 am
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Notsure
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Matteo,
Didn't expect her to be waiting and didn't take her feelings for granted. My only point is that she started with someone new in less than 2 weeks which in my mind and feelings (and you can call it pride if you want)is a very short time assuming that she really felt (for me) the way that she said she did.

Finding self,
I agree with your comment.

Regards. Notsure

January 14, 2006
12:46 am
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beenajerk
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Someone said, "Nothing helps you get over the last one like the next one." Some apparently live by that concept. I realize now that asking for some time to sort things out was a mistake and sent the wrong message. I've been through a lot since I posted this message (including spending 4 days in the psychiatric ward for serious suicidal thoughts) and have learned a lot too. I've learned that asking why some things happen is an exercise in futility and does nothing but frustrate the person seeking the answer. Although I still hurt, it is not to the degree it once was. Maybe I'll find love again and maybe I won't, but this one thing I do know: at some point the grief begins to subside and the pain starts to lessen. The healing is not a smooth, linear process but a jagged one, punctuated with moments of returning pain along with the signs of healing. I have been helped to understand this although it has not been an easy lesson. I have quit trying to figure this mess out and am now being more productive by focusing on healing and understanding and being gentle with myself.

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