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How does one get over the love of their life
July 21, 2000
9:38 pm
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Lostsoul
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I've been in love before, and after that heartbreak i never ever believed i would fall in love again.I even went so far as to stay away from women who had any type of feelings for me.After ten years, i met the most incredible woman.She changed my entire life, my looks, my wardrobe, everything about me.She brought me out of a shell i was hiding in, only to drive me farther into that shell than i ever was.Now i wake up every morning to an alarm clock she bought me, a lamp i turn on that she bought, wear clothes that she bought or was there when i bought it.Everything i have, she either bought me, or was present when i bought it.Everytime i look in the mirror i see what she made me into.

I'm having an extremely hard time looking at myself now, espcially for loosing her.Now i either want her back, or to get over her.I cant seem to do either,depression is driving me farther down.I hate myself for loosing her
in my life.Just want to be happy again 🙁

July 21, 2000
11:16 pm
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carolynI
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Lostsoul

Its better to get over her if the feeling isnt mutual. You cant make people love you. You have to love yourself and feel good about yourself we have all lost loved ones either
by death or their choice. I know I lost my love from death, So I know how you feel. I have things he gave me and that and the memories. And I have to try and get on with my life
I have found it helps to talk to friends about how your feeling. I am sure you have friends and family that
care. I do.

July 22, 2000
11:58 am
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lucky
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LOSTSOUL
I know what you are going through ive been there and i know the pain it causes. I loved my husband with everything I had and it hurts. I know that for me there is the right person out there and it will come soon sometimes we have to be patient. I dont know if you believe in god, but I believe that we have soul mates and when we meet them we will know. I also know that it is easier to say than do, like I said ive been there and I know. The only thing you can is let time heal the pain , talk to some one and foucus on some things that you like to do. I do that every day and I find that my pain and lonlieness (sorry spelled wrong) are slowly disapearing although I will never forget him as I am sure you will never forget her its ok. It just gets easier as the days to go by to deal with life and be able to look at yourself in the mirror and love your self again. some day as I know I will you will appreciate what she has done for you and be able to remember the good memeriesand go on with your life I wish you the best of luck and may god bless you sincerly lucky

July 22, 2000
2:59 pm
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janes
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Time....it takes lots and lots of time. forgive yourself, forgive her, go on. A day at a time a moment at a time.

Get rid of the stuff from her...donate to a charitable organization. Keep a few "keepsakes". someday when the pain is manageable and this is all in the past you can look back and see the growth she helped you with and forgive her even more.

Each soul we meet can give us different things. sometimes they stay --sometimes they go. Whatever, they each leave a mark.

concentrate on you...the good things. If you only became a complete person because of her you have work to do on yourself. We each need to be complete within ourselves to be complete with another.

July 22, 2000
4:21 pm
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Lostsoul
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I keep hearing time heals all wounds from everyone.Well as time has been going by, my hurt and pain has been getting worse.I'm now to the point were i'm scared to go out for fear of seeing her with someone else.When i do go out i tend to look to see if she's were i am.Always hoping to see her.At the same time i dont want to see her, cause it will just bring more hurt and sadness.
I'm scared to talk to women when i go out, scared to see women.Everytime i see a couple it brings back memories and makes me think, why cant this be me and her.
If i were to take everything she gave me or was present when i bought it and hid it away, then i would have nothing, and be walking around naked .I dont think i could pack everything away, it would hurt to go thru it all.I dont know if i can deal with that.I'm so in love with this woman, i can hardly eat, sleep, let alone smile once in awhile.
We changed each others lives for the better, and loosing someone that did that to me, is a worse pain than when my father died.

July 22, 2000
6:56 pm
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carolynI
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LOSTSOUL You have to let go, your letting this take over your life. This lady was in your life for a reason but she has moved on and so must you. You have to help yourself and get out of your depressed state.'You have taken a step by coming here asking for advice I hope it helps as it does help to talk.
I know everyone says it takes time but that is what it does but your letting it take over You know in yourself you friend isnt coming back to you just as i know mine isnt coming back to me and your life wont be the same it has gone through a change as life does Take the good things from knowing this lady and get on in a positive way with your life
Think of what you have and not what you havent. You have good health and a job i assume?
We know what your going through and it is hard try and be positive and move on
Take care

July 22, 2000
7:49 pm
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Lostsoul.

You seem not to be going through what most 'normal' people go through when they lose a partner. You seem to be experiencing a hell of a lot more fear than sorrow. I ascertain this from your statement, "I'm now to the point were i'm scared to go out for fear of seeing her with someone else.When i do go out i tend to look to see if she's were i am.Always hoping to see her.At the same time i dont want to see her, cause it will just bring more hurt and sadness." The loss of a soulmate tends to bring great sorrow. But the loss of your lady has resulted in such fear as to bring you to the point of collapse.

Having experienced the loss of a woman with whom I was obsessed, I understand the sick feeling of fear in the pit of your stomach. I could not stop the continuing thoughts of how I could have behaved differently to prevent her leaving me. I continually tried to think of ways I could make her want me. Then I went to the other extreme and made 'booty calls' on as many women as I could. As a good ballroom dancer, I had a few 'offers'. In the end I sickened myself with my lack of sincerity and indiscriminate promiscuity. It only made me feel worse. My world had turned to a very dul, painful and meaningless grey. Suicide became an attractive option. I had lost all.

I then hit a 'rock bottom'. I said to myself, " I deserve better than this. I need to find out why the loss of one highly neurotic woman who has a very low standing in the community can cause such fear and dread in my life." I began to realise that my need for this woman was highly fear driven and the anthesis of true love. My need was a 'survival need', the frustration of which caused great fear. I set about finding out where that fear came from. I did this by going through both private and group therapy. I soon learnt that there were at least two people inside of me; one who dreaded and feared the power this woman had to inflict pain on me and wanted to push her away and another person who wanted to possess her at any price including even at the cost of my life. There was a war going on inside of me between these two parts of me. I thought that I would go mad. I asked the therapist how I could strengthen the part of me that wanted to get away from the woman of my desire. He shrugged his shoulders and said that he didn't know the answer to that question. I was devastated. But I had a clue. What were these two parts of me all about? I set out on a quest to find out. It took me a lot of time, several 'busts' (going back and trying to win her back), and a hell of a lot more pain. However, throughout my quest I learnt one hell of a lot about me. Its now over thirteen years ago that we broke up. It sounds like your journey is just starting. I am grateful for my experiencing this woman. She unknowingly was instrumental in lifting me to a whole new plane of living. The benefits have been astronomical. BUT there has been NO GAIN without PAIN.

Go for it mate. That which doesn't break you will only make you stronger. Bite the bullet, value yourself enough to say to yourself, "I DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS." and then set about finding your own unique self through your own special path to recovery. But most of all "Abstain from seeing her" at all costs, and THROW OUT EVERYTHING THAT REMINDS YOU OF HER. Wear a hession bag around if necessary. Start a completely new exciting chapter in your life.

July 26, 2000
8:08 pm
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Lostsoul
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I have tried sex with other women to forget about the one.It never turned me on, made me think of her even more than i did.I believe i'm at a point where i really dont care to have sex with anyone else now.THATS scary.I have been trying some of the advice people have posted, but i'm not about to pack everything away.When someone close to you dies and you feel like this, Do you throw everything they owned out the door?, i dont think so.Doing that is not an option i'm about to take.
From what i see in the posts, Tez is the closest to experiencing what i'm going thru.I work as an electrician and yes, i have grabbed the live wires a few times to try the suicide route.Jeez electricity hurts.

July 27, 2000
7:43 pm
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carolynI
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LOSTSOUL

No dont throw away what your love gave you they have meaning and memories.
Take Tez's advice about dont let this break you let it make you. Do you know why your love left you?
Is there a chance of getting her back she must of loved you to do what she did for you. Dont take your own life
it wont prove anything just brings heartache and sorrow for the ones left wondering, why. That part of life i do know for sure.

July 28, 2000
1:13 am
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smiley
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My heart goes out to you. You do deserve to treat yourself well. Think about as many good things as possible.
Start with making a list on a piece of paper. Every day write down at least one thing you're grateful for.It can be anything large or small.
It could be to be alive, to be able to use your abilities to respond to this letter. To have a home, to feel the sunshine on a warm day etc. It sounds silly but I read this in a story in " Guideposts' magazine . It was about a divorced lady who had a tough time and her friend/coworker encouraged her to do this. Then years later her friend was widowed and she gave her list to her friend. Now she could help her. Is there anyone you could do something nice for? You don't even have to know them. Maybe you open the door for someone, lift a heavy package . Things that fit into ordinary life, Once you start thinking this way you'll find all kinds of ways to make someone feel better.This always makes me feel better. Bet you guessed -this is why I'm writing you.
Take care and let me know if it helps .

July 28, 2000
5:07 pm
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Lostsoul
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I'm not going to take my life, though the thought does sound appealling at times.I did try it out and thought it would be quick, but nope, it just hurt badly.Why she left i dont really know or better yet understand..She told me she wanted to be single for awhile,and that she didnt want to be with anyone else. then 2 weeks later shows up at a place we always went to, with some other guy.Needless to say i got extremely jealous.Had a brother tell her to leave or there would have been a problem.Now she wont talk to me for any reason.I asked her when we split, DONT let me see or hear about you with someone else, cause i wouldnt be able to handle it.First chance she had , she did.Why would a woman do that to someone who they loved and know that that person loved them more than anything?I'd love to get back with her,doubt we ever will.Her family is even upset at her for leaving me.Everyone that knew us still cant believe it.As for helping others, hell no, i've done that all my life, helped anyone for any reason.In return i never get any help back. Just constantly get asked to help.I was always willing to help others, thinking that it would make me feel good, but in the end, it doesnt.The people i help didnt appreciate it, or just kept asking for more help cause i would.Now when someone asks for my help i ask whats in it for me.They dont ask for my help much anymore, thankfully.I'm here looking for help, cause i cant get it anywhere else.In return i offer any help i can as i read the other posts.

July 28, 2000
11:15 pm
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Nightbird
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You never actually get over...you just come to understand that there is nothing you can do to that will make things change. You accept the new situation as hard as it is and in time there will be a new path that will open up to you. I guess to keep aware of life is a very big thing you never want to lose. The feeling in your heart is unique to you and its important to always listen to it. To accept the things we cannot change, and the strength to sustain the courage to change the things we can.

July 28, 2000
11:17 pm
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Lostsoul.
Do you think that the cause of your pain is outside or inside of you?

July 30, 2000
12:58 pm
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Lostsoul
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Tez...The pain is on the inside, and it shows on the outside

July 30, 2000
4:29 pm
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Lostsoul.
If pain is caused by something inside, then surely trying to change something on the outside to stop the pain is futile, isn't it?

July 31, 2000
3:50 am
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sledge_grl
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Lost soul
I have spent the last few months feeling exactly as you do: sometimes even thinking about ending things, to stop the endless pain. A good friend of mine forced me to go to work every day, forced me to face society and life, and hard as it was, I managed to get through the worst time of my life, day by day, minute by minute (which is the only way to approach the pain-one small step at a time). I found that focussing on the day or week or month brought the pain closer and made the situation seem endless....For a long time I felt like I had had my chance at love (that he was the one). You have to start believing that your life (alone) counts, separate from the people you will love and who will care for you. You have all the meaning and answers inside you. Start believing in the power you hold within yourself. I still hurt when i think of him, but this is a type of pain that must be faced head on, not denied and hidden and run away from. It is the pain of love, which shows me I am human, which means I am capable of feeling these deep feelings, and also capable of feeling love. I think I am living proof, a survival story. Hold on. I know now that evrything happens for a reason, even if that reason seems invisible now. Hold on to find that reason and the hidden purpose of your life.

August 7, 2000
9:04 pm
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Pangel
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I know I'm about to lose someone I love dearly. I'm leaving him because I love him very much. A good friend told me before that you have to love a person alot to let him go. I know this is the only way for him to get back onto his life. It hurts real bad, I know. But, if it is the best solution for him, I have no qualms about making this sacrifice. To me, love is about giving. He will have my blessing always and I love him forever.

August 12, 2000
2:49 pm
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micki
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I am going through much the same thing. My ex isn't giving me any answers as to why he walked out. It really shouldn't matter. It's not the first time he's done it, but I am trying to make sure it is the last. It hurts too much to keep letting him come back into my life. I'm trying to keep my head above water by concentrating on my needs instead of his. I have alway been one to take care of everyone elses needs over my own. It's not easy making this kind of change though. I know from previous experience that this will get easier. I can only deal with one day at a time. Yesterday is history, tomorrows a mystery. I'm just dealing with today. I will make it and so will you. Stay away from the places you think she may be. Stay away from people she associates with. Don't ask questions you really don't want to know the answers to. Surround yourself with bright places, smiling people and positive situations. It may seem as if you have to completely change your life and in a way you are. But just think of the doors it will open for you. On the other side of one of those doors could be the answers you are looking for. You know what, I think I need to take my own advice. Although it is easier said than done. Best of luck to both of us. One day at a time.....

August 14, 2000
8:54 am
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I know that I'm just tagging on to the end of many good mails but I'd just like to say two things. The first being, please, don't think that to throw away your belonging as bought by your ex-partner will bring you peace. In forgiveness of her and also forgiveness of yourself, facing up to the pain that you feel, the eventual peace that it will bring will enable you to look at those things and remember the good memories. To throw them all away is denying a part of your life that was/is important.
Secondly, I know that this will have been said before so I'll keep it short - find yourself again first, before doing anything in the line of communication with your ex. Once you are strong in yourself, then with some honest communication, you WILL know whether you really want her back, or if it is just the secure/belonging feeling that you got when in that relationship, which can be found within.

Good Luck!

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