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how do you treat someone who hurt you
May 30, 2005
2:10 am
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cpt1212
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i am in my late 20s and have recently started counseling b/c it is hard for me to trust people and i dont want to live the rest of my life alone----i always knew that what my grandfather did to me as a child, but until recently i never connected it to myself, it felt seperate, like a movie and i am not sure if it is even real to now but i am working on it slowly. my family knows but it is the dirty little secret no one talks about and they all hope i have forgotten. my sister told me yesterday my grandfather has an advanced stage of colon cancer later she asked me why i hadn't called him or my father to let them know i was thinking of them and praying for them--it all seems so surreal and like such poor timing---i don't know how to react.

May 30, 2005
2:42 am
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cpt1212-

The onset of your grandfather's illness is unfortunate timing for you, but please to not let it be an obstacle in your pursuit of mental health. You probably are working with confronting some buried emotions and that's difficult already without the added pressure of having to think of the needs/health of the individual with which you have such serious issues. You can't ignore the reality that your grandfather is ill, but you may have to set it aside while in counseling or coping with the emotions that surface from it.

Just because someone gets ill, it doesn't give them carte blanche to hurt people... or erase what they have done in the past. It also doesn't mean that you have to answer to each an every demand that your family makes concerning this man. You come first. You may learn through counseling how to get through this without causing drama in your family during this difficult time, but also being honest with yourself.

I am so glad you started counseling.
This is a good place too.

-ella

May 30, 2005
8:59 am
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saralynn
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cpt1212, I just want you to know I understand what you mean about "I always knew...but never connected it to myself." Remembering abuse in my past has been the same for me - NOT like all of a sudden I remembered something, but more like - I've always known, and I open a door to a room that's always been there. Mzella's right - uncovering buried emotions takes alot of energy; give yourself permission to concentrate on YOU right now. Your question is a good one, and a hard one. I have found that forgiveness frees me, not the one I've forgiven necessarily. I've found that forgiveness does NOT mean reconciliation, it does not mean forgetting the abuse - it just means I've let go of it, and stopped letting that person hurt me, or control me. Believe me, this journey we are both on is not easy - but it seems to me you are on your way! I've found writing on this site to be sooo helpful! Keep posting - you've got the answers inside your heart - you just need someone asking the right questions! Love, ~saralynn

May 30, 2005
10:39 pm
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cpt1212
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thank you both, mzrella and saralynn for your thoughts. it helps. thanks

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