Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
How do you stop the cycle?
May 24, 2009
7:09 pm
Avatar
z2009
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

After a string of failed relationships (2 divorces) and a history of getting involved with emotionally unavailable men, I came to understand that I have deep codependency issues. Such issues are deeply rooted from a childhood, which was anything but ideal. Dad was an alcoholic who routinely abused my mother and older siblings (not me) and mom's affection was just not available. I always felt I had to fight for my mother's approval and often questioned if anyone loved me. Mom died suddenly a few years back and I was left with a host of unresolved issues, including guilt and anger. I can not say I've ever been in a healthy relationship with a man, one who makes me feel loved and valued, it's always been me proving myself, going above and beyond to make sure they love me back. This has not worked, in fact, most men I've been with say that I am very nice, but... just not what they were looking for. This has happened more than once, until I realized that it my attitude towards relationships that marked how they turned out. They always mirrored the eternal search for approval I had with mom. I am hoping that sharing my feelings and thoughts with others who experience the same will help me develop the tools to stop this cycle. At the moment I am considering ending a relationship that started rather recently (3 months). Although not necessarily my type. this man seemed to have the qualities I was looking for. He really seemed to like me and wanted to be with me, which I found refreshing, so I gave it a chance, thinking that perhaps this time it would work. After about a month, he began to act somewhat distant and blamed his behavior on me. As soon as I felt him pulling away, I began to become more and more interested in him. This always happens, the more they pull away, the more I am drawn in, until they end up leaving and I end up feeling hopeless. Though I function "normally" in my everyday life, I think about this situation over and over, it consumes my thoughts and affects my mood. How do I stop the cycle, I've been in counseling before, it hasn't helped. Also, I must mention, I live by myself, have very few close friends and family lives in another state. Perhaps that is why I tend to cling to every bit of hope of making my relationships with men work. Any advice?

May 24, 2009
7:22 pm
Avatar
Tiger Trainer
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 5
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Dont forget to concentrate on yourself. in this new relationship, be sure that you are not giving giving giving to try to control the situation.
find out about yourself and your needs so that you can express them.

May 26, 2009
12:10 am
Avatar
confusedat38
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Do you have any hobbies? I find hobbies really help me. Actually I have too many hobbies.

May 26, 2009
11:02 am
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

If you only knew him a month and yet were willing to get into his bed, that could be part of the problem. There is an excellent book I would like to recommend to you. The title is a bit harsh, but the contents have GREAT wisdom: WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES. It is available in paperback. Can't recall the woman's name who wrote it (she is a talk show hostess), but her points are humorously present and VERY wise.

When we jump into bed too quickly with these guys or disclose our emotional "neediness," they pull away. End of story. I hope this book helps you. It sure helped me.

And keep posting. You are feeling really bad and need alot of encouragement.

- Ma Strong

May 26, 2009
2:45 pm
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Strong,

"If you only knew him a month and yet were willing to get into his bed, that could be part of the problem."

I'm curious....where in z2209's post did you read that she got into her boyfriend's bed after knowing him for only a month?

Regardless of that huge assumption....

z2009,

You mentioned having been in counseling before but it hasn't worked? What about it didn't work for you? Did you have a good connection with your therapist(s)? Trust? Comfort? How long did you attend therapy?

There are several good books on Codependency that may help you to better understand why you make some of the choices you make. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie was very helpful for me. Also, you may consider CODA meetings if you haven't already. Or Alanon if you have history of dealing with alcoholics? Both were extremely helpful to me in my (on-going) recovery.

Also, this site is a wonderful tool filled with caring people offering support and encouragement on your journey to recovery, so keep posting.

Ooop sorry.....Gotta get back to work....will check back later.

Good luck and take care,
LOlli

May 26, 2009
2:50 pm
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

he blamed his behavior of being distant on you?? blame games don't work.

I think you were good to p/u on whats going on after 3 months, its not a long time to know someone, but if this guy is pulling away without giving you an explanation, maybe he wasn't the right guy anyways.

May 27, 2009
11:51 am
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lollipop -

Guess I misinterpreted this statement from the original posting:

"...After about a month, he began to act somewhat distant..."

This might not mean they were sexually intimate with one another. They might simply have been dating. The assumption on my part (that she had slept with him) was inappropriate and I apologize for same.

- Ma Strong

May 27, 2009
9:48 pm
Avatar
z2009
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you all for your kind words. As far as the assumption that sex was involved after a month, well, I can see why that would be assumed. It has been an issue in the past, and this time, I waited until I made sure he was someone I wanted to be with. This person hasn't called me in a few days, at this point is over as far as I'm concerned. I read a couple of books that seemed to shed some light as to what may be going on. I think I shared way too much, too quickly, thinking he was receptive to my thoughts and experiences. In fact, he was not, he judged and realized that I wasn't perfect after all. It all seems to indicate that he is seeing someone else.
I am terribly sad, lonely, as I said, I don't have too many friends (I moved here about 6 years ago) and connecting with women at a deeper level has not been easy. I left close friendships where I lived before, and I try to keep in touch, but everyone gets busy and you know how that goes.
My 2 close friends are themselves in committed relationships, and again, they are busy.
Perhaps that is why I was so hopeful this would work out.
As a side note, I have no problem doing things on my own, I even enjoy my "me" time, it's just lonely at times.
Does anyone share my experience with getting involved with emotionally unavailable, ambivalent men? Difficulties of dating after 40?
Please let me know

May 28, 2009
12:17 am
Avatar
Stacers
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am 41 and YES I agree. It's really hard to find nice guys to date and you have all these questions...when is it ok to sleep with them? how much information do I tell them? when is it okay to trust/confide in them? I have found that men are such game players and they want something that is a bit of a challenge. When they think you are needy they are gone. Almost like the kids that are fighting over 1 stupid toy and when nobody wants it anymore the fight is over. Men are the same way. They are fighters by instinct so they want to go out and fight for their prey. Think of them as the mighty hunter and they don't want the deer that is already dead, they want to hide in the bushes, stalk, and chase after the deer before they hunt it down. Make any sense? You need to make yourself somewhat unavailable. When he calls..even if you are sitting right there watching TV don't answer the phone. Wait a few hours and then text "oh saw you called I was busy doing...whatever! make up anything, but don't let him know you were just sitting there watching TV. I have found that the more mysterious and hard to get I play the more they come back for more. And NO I do not tell them any details about how I'm feeling because that takes away from you being mysterious. Why all the games you ask? Well ask any of the girls that are in good relationships and they will let you know they had to play some hard ball before getting Mr. Wrong to be Mr. Right. Good luck. Oh, and I'm co-dependent too. I want people to like me and feel lonely alot of the time. I fight the urge constantly to smother guys and run them off. I have just had lots of experience and thought I would share.

May 28, 2009
9:33 am
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

z2009,

I think many of us here share your experience of dealing with amibivalent, addicted, or otherwise emotionally unavailable men. Although not over 40 yet (37), I too found that finding what I was looking for was no easy task. For me, it was only when I realized that what I was looking for wasn't realistic that I began to understand that I played a big part in my own difficulties. I also found that the more I worked on me and my issues (even while in a bad relationship), the more the "bad boy" began to lose his "shine" if you will. After finally ending my relationship with him, I took some time to really get to know myself better and came to better understand what *I* wanted and needed and what was or was not acceptable to me in a relationship.

Like you, I also enjoyed my alone time, but was also lonely at times as well. I had a job with people I enjoyed working with, had a close friend and my family, went to school etc, but still, it did get lonely sometimes.

One thing I found though is that by taking advantage of that time alone and doing some real work on myself ....the "bad boys" really did lose their shine and no longer seemed interesting to me.
And for the first time in my life....I found myself open to a man that could finally give me what I had needed all along. A lot of it anyway 🙂

Of course everyone is different but for me the answer was to stop looking for something or someone outside of myself to "fix" me. In the end...I had to do the work myself.

The best suggestion I can give is to really start to take a good, honest look at yourself, your past, your history, your choices, the people you associate and surround yourself with, etc. Educate yourself on whatever you find and then do what you have to begin to give yourself the life you want and deserve.

And read the "Charmer/Abuser" thread.
I'll bump it up for you.

For me it felt like a punch in the stomach when I read it but in the end....that's exactly what I needed.

Good luck and keep posting.

Lolli

May 28, 2009
12:03 pm
Avatar
gettingold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

z2009:
are you sure we arent twins? Your story sounds just like mine. I dont know how to stop it though, sorry. I am sure others will have great advice. Take care

May 28, 2009
8:23 pm
Avatar
z2009
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

gettingold:
I am beginning to understand where I went wrong in all my relationships. Fact is, when I like someone, I do everything I can to get them to like me. I just read a book that really opened my eyes to the things I've been doing.
A bit more of my story: I married my first husband, not because I was in love, but because he was the first person who showed me love and unconditional affection. Although we were very compatible, I was never physically attracted to him. He took care of me in more ways than one, he was much older and treated me like gold. We were together for 7 years (married for 2) I was in my mid 20's when I married him, he was early 40's. I left him, and always felt guilty about the pain I caused him. I got involved with a man that could never commit or validate what we had. We were friend with benefits, plain and simple, he never promised anything and I hung in there because I was crazy about him and hoped he'd eventually fall for me. This went on for almost 3 years until I met my last husband. Well, at that point I was so ready for someone to love me, that I ignored all the red flags (and there were many). My ex-husband swept me off my feet, things happened rather quickly, he told me he loved me 3 weeks after we met, proposed 3 months later. The fact that he was a controlling, egotistical, raging alcoholic didn't deter me in my efforts to gain his love. We got married, and I spent the following 6 years desperately trying to become what I thought would make him happy. I lost myself and my identity in the process. I was completely depending on him. We moved to a new state, he supported me financially and decided what was to be done at all times. I was very unhappy, but in such denial. Finally, he met another woman and left. I was devastated, I couldn't understand it. Now I do, I knew he was the type to get easily excited about thing and just as easily bored with the, You'd think I learned :-0 Soon after, i became involved with a man that was also, emotionally unavailable, nice in the beginning and withdrawn once I was involved. This also went on for 2 1/2 years (on and off). I broke it off about 6 months ago. He is now happily involved with another woman.
This whole time I figured I'd never put myself in that situation again, and thought I was being careful by taking my time, getting to know the person before sex was part of the equation. I met this last guy 3 months ago, he seemed normal and eager to learn everything there was to know about me, which I responded to. Although I wasn't really attracted to him he seemed very kind and thoughtful. I began to really like him. He got news that he may be relocating and that's when things took a bad turn, he stopped calling (we would spend hours on the phone everyday prior). I then noticed that the more he pulled away, the more I wanted him, which is typical for me. During our last conversation, I told him I was falling for him, that I noticed a change in him and could not figure out why he was different. He told me to "relax" and really did not react the way I'd hoped.
He called the following day made up an excuse not to see me that weekend, and I never heard from him again.
I now think he is probably seeing someone else and did not know how to tell me so he chose to cut all contact.
Not funny, is it?

May 29, 2009
3:08 pm
Avatar
gettingold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

OMG we do have the same lives! I am going through the same thing with my daughters dad. He had made plans to come over this weekend( like every weekend for the past 2 years) He went to the Indy 500 on Saturday night, camped out with a buddy. Came back Sunday after the race, we bbq'd and then on Wednesday he told me he didnt want to come anymore. I didnt say this, when he came back on Sunday he had bought me flowers, he never did that before. He has never even told me he loves me, actually it was quite the oppisite.
He left margarita mix at my house and promised when he left on Monday that he would be back and make Margaritas Saturday and Sunday. Now he doesent want to see me anymore at all. I know he found someone else cause he hates staying at his house on weekends, (at the age of 37 he still lives at his parents) So I know he found somewhere else to go.
I have been trying to date other people to forget about him, but I look at my daughters face,and he is all I see. She is like his little twin.
I have let him come back before after another girlfriend of his didnt work out. Why do I keep doing this to myself?
I treated him like gold and got nothing in return.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
35
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111090
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38630
Posts: 714446
Newest Members:
lion heart, thomson, BenjaminGresham, answerhope, kenseeley, soofibeauty
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information