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How do you stay healthy when you are in a relationship?? Would love to know your experience.
May 24, 2007
3:09 am
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courage to change
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May 24, 2007
3:26 am
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fantas
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Courage...this is a new one for me. I am working on speaking my truths. Basically I have given up the idea that the other person is supposed to know certain things. If I need it, or if I am unhappy or happy, I speak it. I am learning to own what is mine and work on myself instead of trying to fix others. I am also learning to not take other people's inventory. I am trying to give people what they need as opposed to what I think they need and hear what they need from me. I have abdicated the throne where I thought that everything was happening to me and anyone was mistreating me. I have learned to always acknowledge, kindness, love, and generosity towards me and to be generous wit my love without attaching any expectations to it. I am learning to take the time to know people and accept them for who and what they are and not try to change or be judgemental of them. Above all I maintain my dignity, respect, self awareness and self love. I'd say, I am in the first grade of relationship school 🙂

May 24, 2007
3:54 am
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courage to change
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Hi fanta

Thanks for your response. I dont understand exactly all you are talking about.

So I have a few a question. Only because, I want to get it right in my relationship. I guess Im very protective of myself, and dont want to make any more mistakes than needs be.

What do you mean by not taking other peoples inventory. I dont understand. Sorry if that sounds dumb? x

May 24, 2007
8:17 am
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risingfromtheashes
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taking other people's inventory means you analyze their life, put the focus on them - their shortcomings, what they need to change, what they need to do.

And you put your effort into helping THEM change into the wonderful person you believe they can be.

Taking inventory is a 12 step term where you look at your life and determine what needs to be changed, what you are doing right and what differences you can make.

When you take someone else's for them, you are essentially sticking your nose in where it doesn't belong - in their business.

May 24, 2007
11:39 am
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fantas
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hi Courage, ...just like rising said, taking other people's inventory is always seeing what the other person is doing and making judgement or trying to change them. As long as my attention is on another person, I am not looking at myself. It also means that I am not accepting who the other person is. Accepting them for who they are means that I have to make decisions for myself whether to confront, create boundaries, leave etc. Looking at other people's fault is a classic characteristic of codependency although often times we confuse it with caring and wanting the best for others...I hope this makes sense and thank you for asking the question.

May 24, 2007
11:45 am
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mj
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For me, I have never felt healthy so I have been going about it a different way. I am trying to get healthy while remaining in my relationship! I loved what fantas and rising shared!

In Al-Anon, a twelve step group they have a daily meditation book call Courage to Change.

May 24, 2007
11:47 am
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loverbee
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I think when my relationship was at its healthiest, it was because we were both so ok with ourselves. I just enjoyed being me and sharing me with him. That is the best. When you are the happiest and working on yourself and taking care of yourself then you will be more likely to have a healthy relationship.

May 24, 2007
12:30 pm
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courage to change
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Hi I think I understand

Its quite a while since i went to coda, but I do come from that background. In my personal life I think im very good at not giving advise. When I did coda, that was the way we were taught i guess.

When I teach, I have to tell people what to do

But Im still confused. I really dont understand this site. How are people able to be there for each other, when everyone is giving their opinion and feedback.

It really does not make any sense, I do not understand the boundaries. All i know is that you dont have to interfere in anyones business, all you have to do is just listen to them to find their own direction.

But how can you be there for people on this site.

When I first came on this site I thought well, I will just talk about me how my experience would relate, and give positive or negative feedback. Then as time moved on, I started speaking my opinion. Is this not taking someones inventory then?

Its so confusing understanding the boundaries on the internet.

I think I have healthy boundaries with everyone i know personally, but I dont get it on this site. Perhaps someone could clarify to me whats acceptable or not please. I must be missing the point somewhere.

Sorry 🙁

May 24, 2007
12:33 pm
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loverbee
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Its not so black and white I don't htink. You can give your opinion or advice and still consider the persons personal experience and feelings. Its a matter of combining the two. If you have a similar situation or you think you can help then try. Thats all. And we will be there for you.

May 24, 2007
1:08 pm
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Pom 34
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I am going to this site because when I come across new territory in my life (which I have just discovered that I am in a codependent relationship with a substance abuser) I can read about others experiences and find usually more than a couple of people that have healed from the same things I am trying to heal from. I read about what they did to get to where they are. I can do some of those things if I think they work for me. I can read some of the books that have helped others, I can think about things that I see other people dealing with, and be grateful I am not where they are. I can offer my experience so that others perhaps may not feel so alone.

I am here to learn how to live my life in a healthy way. This site is only one of my resources. I go to a therapist, I take medication for anxiety/depression, I attend CODA meetings, I am reading self help books and doing the "homework" my therapist recommends.

I am not concerned if I am doing it right. I am up and doing and that is the best I can do for now.

Take what you need from this site and leave the rest. If you haven't heard that one, then there -KABOOM!- is perhaps reason for this site. 🙂

Pom 34

May 24, 2007
2:42 pm
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fantas
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Courage, this site is sort like any other support group. I come here and share what I am struggling with and I get support and response. I get to bounce off ideas with others who know what I am dealing with and like Pom said, I can decide to take it or leave it. For me I am happy that people are reading what I am writing and responding. I find that as I respond to others, read other threads, write my own stuff I get clarity in my own issues. Sometimes I don't agree with the suggestions but that's not the point, but I appreciate the feedback. Most people on this site are struggling with and working on self awareness issues...so we sort of need to be open to feeback from those who can seen a little more clearly than we see ourselves...

May 24, 2007
3:20 pm
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Pom 34
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Great stuff, Fantas!

To answer the uptop question more directly:

I have no idea how to stay healthy in a relationship! Never done it before! This is another reason why I visit this site 🙂 🙂 🙂

I am willing to try it though...

Pom 34

May 24, 2007
6:31 pm
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courage to change
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Thank you to all your replies. I feel better after talking about all of this. xxx

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