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How do you move on from the past and keep your mind on the Future?
June 10, 2007
1:39 am
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Mase
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June 10, 2007
1:59 am
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red blonde
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Mase ~

I don't know....would really like to know how to...especially right now. I guess it is a process that we all have to go through - to come to terms with our past in some way so that we can get healthier, so that we can eventually move on to a better future. If we do not deal with the past, when something else happens, the past just comes back to take another bite out of us. At least, that is what I seem to be going through at this moment.

Red

June 10, 2007
2:13 am
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Mase
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I have people say that I have overcome so much in my very young life. I'm 21 and in school { collage } it took 7 years to graduate from high school.

Lets start from the start!

Dad died in the timespan of 7 days when mom was 5 months pregnant.

Mom left me with my gram for 6 months for "job" purposes. When I was 4.

Gram most damaged person ever met.

Gram the one who mentaly controlls and demeans me.

Self consept in tolet.

Gram helps mom rasie me.

Best friend comits sucide at the age of six.

Gram gets cancer. I'm about 11.

Gram gets better.

Mom gets sick.

In the hospital with mom many years.
In and out months at a time.

Rasising myself.

Misses my {Mom} b-day in hospital.

No friends people don't understand children/teens/young adults of single parent homes that are sick - and other family refuses to take the child in.

{Feeling very abandoned}

Running family buseness...15/16y.

Camping trip- somthing happend, somthing bad bits of things rememberd very bad flash backs!

Leaving counclears bedroom - about 9/10y don't know what happen, feelings of entrapment.

Locked in very hot shed, widows locked hand cuffed and tied. For I don't know how long. It was less then 24h. About 7y.

sorry I have to stop. It's just too much.

I want to deal with this stuff while I'm young so that I'm not the abuser like my gram is.

And this generational sin is not continued.

But every day, I just want the shit to stop and I don't want to live.

Someone help me help myself!

-Mase

June 10, 2007
9:51 am
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Oh God....I feel horrible for what you have gone through!!You have not deserved any of this and I feel utterly ashamed to be part of the human race when reading your experiences :((

There are good people in this world too,please hold on...
Have you tried counselling?
Maybe a support group in your area?
Try your Dr..he may be able to refer you to the appropriate agency for help/support.
Keep posting here....everyone is very understanding and have different experiences/perspectives to help out.

((((Mase))))

I'm going to check up on you...feel free just to chat.

June 10, 2007
12:45 pm
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fantas
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Mase...You are doing it. Accepting the past, dealing with the residual effects of your past experiences and learning new ways to interract with the world. All this takes time, often times years. Are you going to therapy? There are several books to read... Here is a website for survivors of abuse
http://www.12stepforums.net/healingroom/
There a book that was recommended to me... It's Not Your Fault, by Patricia Romano Mcgray. I have read it yet. I will start a thread for books, sites, and resources. Keep posting and keep coming back. 🙂

June 10, 2007
1:51 pm
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Mase
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Yes I have done many years of counseling and I feel that I just go around in circles I never feel like it does anyting! I just get angry!

I feel hopeless, fustrated, Like i have noting left to give.

-Mase

June 10, 2007
2:40 pm
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Mase...

Hi,I'm sure the anger is part of the healing process and coming to terms with what has happened. It is good to release your emotions....have you been on the website that fantas suggested??

On a more basic note...have you tried excercise too? I find it does help, also makes you feel more positive about yourself and the world around. I know it won't make the past go away but helps you cope better in the present. Continue counselling-don't give up, everyone takes their own time in healing.What didn't work a few yrs ago, may work now.

I don't think you should worry about giving anyone anything at this point in time....only give yourself love, patience and understanding.You are only human and you have been through sooo much...I'de say you are a brave inspirational survivor.I wish you could see how special you are.

Keep posting, you are loved by all here.

Rewindx

June 10, 2007
7:54 pm
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Mase
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I hate weekends, everyone goes home for the weekends. Even if they are here they ignore me. My best friend from childhood is three timezones away we chat, but my roomate is so controlling and starts slaming doors when I'am on the phone. We have arranged roomates, I have requested to move but I need a full weekend, and help as I'm soo depressed I can't movate myself to do anything. I think she should be the one to move as the result of her meaness. I have a feild trip that is worth 30% of my mark and I just don't want to go! But I know I have to push myself.

-Mase

June 10, 2007
8:17 pm
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Mase ~

Push yourself to go, no matter what! You worked hard to get to college, work hard to go into whatever field or career that YOU want to go into. It is very important for you to do this...for your self - esteem, self - worth and self - confidence!

I have been depressed too...I have been dwelling too much in my past lately...but I think there are things I need to learn from what I went through (with the exception of feeling sorry for myself). I need to learn how to deal with the guilt, shame and fear that others have made me feel in order for them to manipulate and control me and to make me do what THEY wanted me to do, to learn how NOT to let people make me feel guilty, ashamed or afraid, so they can NOT do this to me again. I was brought up as a caretaker and people pleaser and conflict avoider. I used to base all my 'life' decisions on what everyone else wanted me to do. I say "NO MORE! It is my turn, my life, you can either accept that or don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out!"

Hang in there! I HAVE TO PUSH MYSELF TO DO THINGS TOO....and you know what? I AM HAPPY THAT I DO!

There are alot of wonderful people on this site that have been through alot, some more, some less, but we are all here for reasons of our own...to learn, to seek advice, to get help, to see how others deal with situations, problems, etc. So just keep posting and TALK...that is the best help, to get things out in the open and learn how to deal with them.

I hope I can help you in any way!

Red

June 10, 2007
9:27 pm
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Mase, in most colleges, there is a "listen" department for students who are depressed, distressed or going thru tough times. Why not contact them?

I hope you will find a warm soulder you could lean on and cry. I hope someone can hug you. For the time being I can offer you a hug thru this cyberworld. So, here is a (((Hug)))

June 11, 2007
10:58 pm
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Mase
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Well sent an e-mail today, but the person that it went to a proffesser will probly take weeks to get back to me. Having a late snack, didn't eat much. still feeling ahhhhhhhhhhhhh but that doens't even discribe it. Pushed myself through today, still in one piece. Just one hour at a time!

-Mase

June 11, 2007
11:33 pm
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((Mase))-

"I want to deal with this stuff while I'm young so that I'm not the abuser like my gram is."

You won't if you keep on addressing these issues. Already you are on the right path. You have recognized that things are not right and want to work on them.

Thank goodness for that strength in your character. Realize that not everyone has that. Not everyone can break the cycle.

You are not your abuser, you are not what happened to you. You are a whole person, and you need to nurture the rest of you too. By all means address the pain when you need to, but keep on keeping on and search if you have to for some joys, some distraction from all the darkness. I know it's hard, but you are so worth it. Just from that statement about you not wanting to be an abuser- it seems you are an unselfish person. That is wonderful! Balance it with a little selfishness. Let it be all about you feeling better for a while, because without that, one cannot move forward.

Please don't hurt yourself, those impulses may continue for a long while- it is important to learn how to cope with them... distraction is a valid enough method... every day you make it through without doing that makes you stronger.

ella

June 11, 2007
11:52 pm
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just that keep your mind on the future the past is the past and i believe that as long as we learn from our past then we can move forward.the past was your learning process now move forward and learn how to fly.

June 12, 2007
5:24 am
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((Mase))
Just letting you know I have been reading and checking on you...I may not say much or life changing but I do care.

Well done for e-mailing, a good step.
I Hope you are on your field trip achieving that extra 30%....come back and tell us about it.

Rewindx

June 12, 2007
8:23 am
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{{{Mase, thinking and praying for you!}}}

June 12, 2007
11:22 pm
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Mase
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Well today went ok, stressed about my final on friday! My heart is very heavy. Had a mild panic attack in class no one noticed I hope. The material I have to learn is intence to say the least. Saw a guy with a dog a campus, my heart melted and it seemed to help. Homesickness sucks, but I know my mom is comming in two weeks. I'm scard because she also adds to drama when she is around! She complains about her newmerous health issues. She has allready stated that she will be sleeping 12h/s of the day for the 7 days she is staying. At least I had the forsight to book a seperate room in res. for her! So I don't have to contend with my stupid roomie and mom!I have to do my resume and cover letter which gets me stressed anytime of the year. My preasentation sucked on Mon. and the feild trip was so intence I could not injoy the animals. But it was good to go for a ride and be out of res.It is so hard to get up in the morning, and to think of the future is almost ahhhaahggaghahh. I just want to sleep and sleep. Oh the person I e-mailed wrote back and is checking on some answers!

-Mase

June 19, 2007
11:26 pm
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Mase
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Well of course my life is never without drama. I receved a phone call that I allways dread! The one where there is some kind of crisis that I have to drop everything- change hard to get appt. and turn my life upside down because someone is sick, or the busessness needs me or someone is in the hospital.

When ever I think everyting is going to be ok life thows me a curve ball that gives me more reasons not to want to live!

Stressed more that ever!
must jump on plane on Fri. 2 1/2H by plaine and 2 1/2 driving.

Then to top it all off three days back driving 37 hours by myself on 6 laine highways in which I never done by myself.

Any suggesting other that nervouse breakdown?

-Mase

June 19, 2007
11:48 pm
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Is it possible for you to take a bus at all instead of doing all that driving?

What about a train?

June 20, 2007
3:32 pm
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Mase
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No, the reason I have to drive is to bring the car down to where I live now. We looked into renting a car so I wouldn't have to do this but as I'am only 21 they will not rent one to me!. Train just the same amount of time not any faster than bus, and more expencive than bus.

June 20, 2007
3:43 pm
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Just think of it in a positive way.

For example, tell yourself that you are a strong person and what you are accomplishing is an extraordinary task which not many people can accomplish. Tell yourself that you are a strong person and that is why people depend on you during their time of need. And at the end when you do accomplish the task at hand, you are on top of everything and you can walk proudly.

That's what I keep telling myself when I feel down or depressed. It works wonders. Try it.

June 20, 2007
3:46 pm
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truthBtold
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Mase,

Take a deep, long breath and relax for a minute.

Put all of this chaos to the side - for just a minute to re-group.

Remember - the phone call that you dread is based on SOMEONE ELSE'S crisis....NOT your own!

I repeat.....the phone call that you dread is based on someone else's vrisis - and NOT your own!!!!

That's where the "players" like to get ya!!!!!!

Don't buy into it - if you can help it.

Manipultors and controlling people like to do just that - present some sort of emergency where they are HOPING that you feel that you will HAVE to DROP EVERYTHING and appease to their whims.

You don't HAVE to do a damn thing!!!!!

Matter of fact, the ONLY thing that you really, EVER HAVE TO DO....is die!

(THAT'S the really BIG picture....all things considered!)

Take time out to see it for what it ACTUALLY is........and go about doing what best works for you....and believe it or not....THAT may mean you saying one word: NO.

NO.

NO.

NO!!!!!!

Believe me, the world will not end when you say that magic word to those that really like to push your buttons just to see if they can get away with it.

Drama need NOT BE a constant presence in your life - believe me on this one!!!!!!!!!

June 20, 2007
3:55 pm
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p.s. - furthermore - these people do this to you....because THEY CAN.

It's up to you to draw the line in the sand....and well, yes - fully expect the shit to hit the fan because of it.

It ain't pretty - matter of fact - can be downright fucking ugly!!!

But you know what? It's worth it.

It's worth every stinking hard inch that you etch into the stand by way of boundaries and respect.

Par for the course....but at least - you will be able to sleep at night and not be seduced by THEIR drama and THEIR so-called crisis and demands.

There just has to be a place of boundaries where YOU clearly end and THEY begin and not anything that is all meshed up together...otherwise - welcome to the world of perpetual drama and your world being turned upside down on the turn of a dime.

Bottom line: Doesn't have to be that way.

Not at all.

NOT.

AT.

ALL.

June 20, 2007
7:29 pm
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Mase,

Look at it as a challenge, whoever asked you to do it has confidence in you, tell yourself everyday that you CAN do it, and love yourself enough to believe it.

It takes time to grow, and you still have a whole life time ahead of you. You are just fearful, a hard thing to work through at times for everyone...but once you do, it's done, and you'll be stronger for it...and the next time somebody asks you to do something like this, say, "HELL NO!" 🙂

June 22, 2007
9:29 am
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Truthbetold

That is best advise i have read! I love it that much i will paste it! i know it wasn't meant for me but it is uncanny how i needed to read that!

Thanks:)

June 22, 2007
10:58 am
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lewis,

You are welcome. I am glad that it has helped.

I still struggle with saying "NO" sometimes, but it gets easier as time goes on.

The first time is incredibly difficult......shaky hands, shaky voice, pit in the stomach etc..... but the second time, the hands are just a little less shaky...and the third time - a little less shaky still until NO just becomes a complete and matter-of-fact response.

I think that the underlying reason most of us have a hard time saying NO and putting into place boundaries where previously none existed, is rooted deeply in childhood fears about "not rocking the boat" and having to appease and placate the "adults?" in our lives, growing up.

Fear that that person will no longer "like us." in addition to changing our label about ourselves from "people-pleaser" to just - well, a person capable of setting boundaries.

So, what has helped me is that NOW - I have come to realize that I should EXPECT resistance and dis-pleasure from those that I firmly say NO to - and this anticipation has helped to take away some of the "emotional charge" - because I now expect them to give me grief about it and am more prepared to handle it....rather than before...where I felt like a sort of emotional tumbleweed of sorts (if that makes sense.)

Like on my way says too, maybe we screw up THIS TIME....but NEXT TIME we are a little bit more prepared and their requests will not catch us so off-guard....like a deer in the headlights of a car - you know??? 🙂

Also, I tried a little experiment about all of this. I found that while there are some folks out there (usually family members and "user" people) who will give us constant grief and try to pull our strings and push our buttons when we say NO to them...others (like trusted TRUE friends) have no problem with it. (That surprised me at first.)

But finally making this distinction has helped me out alot!!!!!!

I still struggle with saying NO - but it is getting easier as time goes on.........

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