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how do you let go of hate
March 15, 2008
2:43 pm
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loverbee
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I have some ex friends who toward the end of our friendship talked about me behind my back and said I had a fat face and said that I was nothing but a spoiled trustfund baby after having done nothing but nice things for them. Now, a year later and I cannot let go of the hatred I feel toward them.ITs eating me alive and I don't know how to get rid of it. HELP

March 15, 2008
2:51 pm
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truthBtold
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loverbee,

Honey - this is SOOOO not your issue!

True, it feels awful to find out about this crap - but my sense is two-fold:

One, they obviously were not your friends to begin with (REAL friends don't treat you this way) and

Two, I'll bet you that they are just so jealous that they can't even see straight because you have a trust fund - and the only way that they can feel good about themselves is to put YOU down.

Pretty damn shallow if you ask me.

Not worth a moment more of your precious time and energy!!!!!!

You deserve REAL friends.....not these imposters LB!!!!!!!

March 15, 2008
3:10 pm
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loverbee
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Its strange because one of my friends still hangs out with them occasionally and every time they do, or they tell me about it, its like I can't see because I start feeling the hate so strongly. I don't even see them anymore but I still hate them to the point where I chewed marks in my cheeks just because I was still so angry. They treat my other friend like crap and he knows it but still hangs out with them occasionally because they know a lot of people and he likes to meet people through them. He doesn't even hang out with them very often. Maybe once a month and every time. Its like something gets caught in my throat. And its like I am going to explode but I can't stop it. Its like this horrible burning feeling all over my body like I am so angry that my temperature is actually rising. I think I have a real problem letting things go. Even if they don't effect me I can't do it. I can't let anything go. I stew and I dwell and I have no control which makes me feel even worse because I am out of control. I have even started making better friends but they still haunt me. ITs like some terrible cool crowd that I was not able to get into. Why in gods name do I have such issues if people don't like me. Its like I have to have everyone like me. I have to. I absolutely have to. Otherwise I get fidgety and I can't sleep and I think non-stop about them and why they don't like me and how wronged I feel. My god what is wrong with me.

March 15, 2008
3:26 pm
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sdesigns
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Well, maybe because its unfair what they say about you and how they treated you.

Its unjust, and you probably wouldn't treat them the same way.

Liars, backstabbers- not worth your time. But I know how it hurts, especially when there's not an ounce of truth to it. And when others join in, its doubly as troublesome.

I am going thru something like that right now- and yeah, it makes me angry. But I can't change that they choose to believe the lies someone else tells them. The fact that they are so anxious to believe the lies makes me feel sorry for their simple and shallow itty bitty personalities! HA!

Somehow, try to resolve this in your own mind, recognize them for what they are, that they are not worthy of your thoughts, and look forward.

You'll never be able to change them or stop the things they do and say. Just consider yourself lucky that you no longer keep their company, and can't be harmed by them.

As for your friend that still hangs with them, if you value his friendship try not to influence him or engage in the gossip even further or make him choose. Try to separate the two. Chances are he may tire of them eventually, ya never know.

SD

March 15, 2008
3:36 pm
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truthBtold
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LB,

I don't think for a minute that anything is "wrong" with you at all.

Perhaps what this is bringing up for you is a MAJOR trigger from your past about betrayal in general....you know?

That is usually the way it all shakes out to be.

In your own time (and on some level) - you can probably figure out just exactly WHAT this behavior of betrayal is all about.

Where these strong feelings originate from - you know?

Not easy by any stretch of the imagination........

Just keep posting - OK?

Our bodies has its reasons and memories and is forever, it seems - looking for closure...but it takes courage to FINALLY connect those emotional dots.

Just TRY to be gentle with yourself if you possibly can.

For me, when similiar situations like this present themselves - I just try to get myself in a real quite place and softly ask myself...."What is really going on here?"

The reaction is usually met with what I call the "elevator shaft" moment in which I have to sometimes....LITERALLY hang on to the bed headboard as feelings from the past become known to me.

And then - it passes....and I am wiser for the experience.

I may be way off base here.

This is just my personal slant.....

March 15, 2008
4:56 pm
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loverbee
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I think I have a problem mostly with the way they treat women. I think that having been a victim of rape when I was 3 there is just something in me that makes me protective of others (especially other women) and its terrifying to me to think that they see me as an object and not as a person. Also very angering but I think I am slowly starting to be able to let it go.

March 15, 2008
5:25 pm
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Wow, Loverbee. I just posted on Truth's thread about depression AT LENGTH!

Truth has a good point about looking deeper and finding the betrayal feelings. One recent thing I was told was we have to identify the person towards whom we have these feelings. THEN, we must confess that when it comes to them, we have an unforgiving spirit. THEN, we ask for/look for help to "lay it down". We CHOOSE to no longer hold on to that feeling, because we do not HAVE to HAVE that feeling if we don't WANT it.

I wonder if it has somewhat to do with the knowledge that that person or those people will NEVER change no matter what you do, say or think. It's beyond my control, you know? So it's the helplessness of being a victim all over again. It is unjust, wrong, and it's been done to you. No one is going to make it right by apologizing .........

so we absolutely have to do it ourselves FOR ourselves.

Choose your feelings. Don't let that "boo hoo they called me a name" mentality bring you down. You are so much stronger and wiser now. You can choose NOT to be bothered by that thoughtless pettiness.

March 16, 2008
12:49 pm
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loverbee
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I think the biggest thing that I have to remember is that I am in control of my emotions not the other way around. I think that the deeper root is that because one of my best friends is still hanging out with those people from time to time, my past fears are getting in the way and making me think that they are going to "turn him" so to speak. I need to be smarter than that and understand that if he is as good a friend as I know him to be, then no one will be able to "turn him" and I should trust more. I have huge trust issues and I know that. I spoke with him about it last night and explained my reasoning and said "you expect me to be honest at all times and you hate it when I use to have a problem lying to you in the past about ten years ago. You got so angry and you told me I had to figure out a way to be honest. But then on the other hand you let them lie to you all the time and you are still friends." He said it was because he had already given up on them and if I misconstrued an aquaintence relationship as friendship then he was sorry but that I would always be more important to him then they were. I told him I didn't want to make him choose and he told me that he wasn't feeling like he had to its just that he had already made that decision to only see them occasionally anyway. I should have given him the benefit of the doubt. I shouldn't care so much about what they think though. This is stupid. I should just care that there are no cool crowds once you get out of highschool. I don't need to prove myself to anyone

March 22, 2008
9:21 pm
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Hi Loverbee, You are right about not having to prove yourself to anyone. I think we DO have to prove ourselves to ourselves.

Even at my age, I get caught by those stinging cutting comments, and I think I've sooo outgrown that stuff...(it's so highschool:))

I think it is amazing what my husband will put up with in behavior from some women, but I also think he is tolerant of their pettiness and immaturity because he is not really invested in them as far as his own feelings go.

If you don't "expect" much, the other person really doesn't affect you much. I think when you are really fond of someone, their behavior concerns you much more.

Just decide that you ARE the "cool crowd" now!

March 23, 2008
4:18 pm
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Codi202
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As "they" say : "People will generally rise to the level of the expectation of them"
We are also in an era that doesn't know the real definition of "tolarance".
What is the payoff for his tolarance?

As for "hate": It depends on what you hate.

In my faith, it is made clear that God hates what is called "sin". It is something that He will never stop hating. We shouldn't like it all that much either. It causes harm.
But we have a twisted notion of "tolarance"...and around in a circle we go.

If you are actively hating a person, though, then that person still has a hold on you. If you can escape the abuse do so.
It is a reflection of who they are, and what they believe.

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