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how do you know if you're happy?
October 14, 2000
11:36 pm
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holly2001
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i've been here before and gotten lots of support and help. thank you. i have pretty much let go of the idea of going back to my ex - he is not "it" even with the body. i am married to the one i dumped the ex for, for 2 years and 4 months now, and we are "making it" i guess. my problem is, we have no passion, and i'm so afraid we got married out of lust and the desire just to be married. we love each other, but already we are just going day to day, working, doing laundry, trying to go out on weekends to have fun. but he is increasingly going out with his friends without me, playing football, etc, and i am increasingly not minding it. i am not going out, but i almost look forward to having the house "to myself" so i don't have to cook or clean or do anything i don't want to do. it's just me and my 8-year cat whom i love more than life itself. am i crazy? he is in the army, an officer, good money, and i have a bad job even though it helps pay the bills. we live very far away from both our families, we have a nice (rented) house, nice things in it, little debt, etc... the problem is i don't feel "happy" at all. i long for my family, my ex, my past, my college friends, new friends, my old activities that i let go when i got married. we have "everything" that is supposed to make you happy, but yet i feel empty and lost. i fear getting pregnant b/c i am so unsure of the relationship. maybe kids would solidify things, but maybe i would end up a single mother with no options but to run to my family for help. i can't relate to his family or his "lifestyle" at all, we are completely different in many fundamental ways, including religion, philosophy (life, money, people, work, etc.) kids, cats/dogs, food, cars, EVERYTHING!!! will we make it? did i make a mistake marrying him? i was coming off breaking up with my ex, and just jumped into marriage, without considering anything about my present husband except that he was "hot" and fun and new and different. i truly love him, but i am so afraid we won't make it because of my internal conflicts and our basic differences. help!!
signed, confused but somehow stable.

October 16, 2000
6:45 pm
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Molly
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Gosh, I thought I was the only one for so long. What ever you do don't have kids yet, and be smart and careful. My ex and I never should have parted ways, but there was no remedy at the time. We to this day have more in common, he has never re married, and is getting him self into a mess. I hooked up with mr lust right after we seperated. Great guy but I hate the life, and often feel like an alien that was abducted to a foreign planet. We have been trying now for over 12 years to be stable. I held on for ever because I didn't want to admit I made a mistake, it was hell on my children. We seperated and had worked through several personal issues, and the main thing that has been clear to me since reconcilliation, is that he is not evil, out to get me, distant or unreasonable, we are just different people that fell in love, or lust, that have totally different agenda's in life. Like I loved my life with the ex, and we got stuck, I love my husband when I can shed the history and hurt, but I hate our life, and when I think that this is it, I get real sad and now anxious, because the clock isn't stopping. My husband is a great date, but lousy partner, or is it me? See that is the future, some one else might think he is the greatest, we are just different. Raising kids is hard, but if you think you can do it with different values, morals, agendas, and goals, think again, and if I had guts I would let you talk to my daughters. From diet to dollars, we don't agree on anything, but there is comfort in familiarity, even the negative, I know him and he knows me. You know you are not happy, and one of the things that killed us, and almost me, was letting go of the past, and being in the present. This is now, and the biggest mistake I made was not allowing time between the divorce, and lust. It just makes a mess of everything. When we were seperated I discovered me. What I like and want, and it has helped with the clarity, knowing me today, I wouldn't go out on a third date to this man that I am married to, for over 10 years. I guess I am older and wiser, and must make choices soon, life is to short to settle, and we get comfortable, then it comes and goes in waves. Do your self a big favor, and your guy too, if this is not it, rise to the occasion, NOW, and admit your mistake, and get on with life.

October 17, 2000
3:51 pm
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janes
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Wait a minute...maybe I am missing a few things BUT a lifetime committment to antoher person is more than HOT, EXCITING etc. etc. etc.

After the lust comes....LAUNDRY!!! Maybe for two maybe for three. Wh atever...life is more th an lust, hot times and excitment. Life can be downright BORING at times...but it takes each and everyone of us to make ourselfves comtnet and happy. Fulfillment cannot come from another...it comes from within. Maybe mistakes were made. If abuse is involved chuck it and start over. It is simply Lack of excitement face the fact that after the lust...life happens and it is never as exciting as the media makes it seem. although...sticking it out and finding the diamonds hidden it the long term "boring relationship" can be well worth it.

to often people belieive the media with their lies of relationships that are always expensive and meaningful. The m;undane is more meningful than the media lets you know.

October 17, 2000
6:22 pm
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Molly
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Janes --
Your comments are right on! The trick is to know the difference, most people right after a break up rush right into a new relationship with out doing the WORK, to discover if it is the boring stuff, or if your values, morals etc even match. My daughters in their junior year of highschool, took a great class in dating and marriage, sure wish they had those check lists when I was young, but we didn't think about most of that stuff, just got caught up in the ozzie and harriet fantasy, and reality isn't on TV. Things that you took for granted that could be discussed, that were not discussed in the heat of lust, thus the dating period, or the growing up period. So many women simply were or are not prepared to be independent, that is why so many have made so much money off the codependent diagnosis. Many women use there power sexually, vs intelligence in the choice, and go from man to man thinking its him vs her. I so truly belive in honoring the committment, and the cost for breaking it, but not many people did the home work before they promised forever. I assume before some one took such serious action that they would seriously explore their own responsibility and do the right thing after becomming aware. I can hope any how.

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