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How do you get to the point where you "feel ready" to deal with incest recovery?
June 10, 2007
12:33 am
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red blonde
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Ella ~

I feel for you. I have a hard time
being with my friends sometimes. All married, all happy, all have grown up children whom they love and who love them back. I get jealous. I am even jealous about my bf's relationship with his daughter who is home for awhile before she leaves for research work for her PhD. I have major trust issues with people. One of my friends has gone through this as well, and we talk.

It is sometimes harder for me to talk about 'stuff' because my abuser WAS my mother. And I am still recovering memories. I blocked alot out for a long time. I am in the process of telling the whole story, everything that happened this in one 48 hour period, to my therapist. I am kind of afraid to tell it yet. Do you think I should post it to the site?

Ras, what do you think? I just have felt so lonely and alone and I don't want people to feel sorry for me, just 'help' me, because right now I am down and really feeling lost.

June 10, 2007
9:51 am
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(((Ella & RB)))

Just wanted to let you know that I read your posts quickly and will respond to you ASA I'm back.

Have a Wonderful Sunday!!!

June 10, 2007
12:17 pm
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Red blonde-

It's hard to write about these things. Even posting them on this thread. Sometimes I feel panicky about it all, but right now this is all I have besides therapy.

Maybe you can type out what happened on your wordprocessor first. Then you can erase it if you want? This might help you just to express things, clarify certain events, etc. I'm not there yet, but I'm thinking about doing it that way. I don't feel that I have any traumatizing events to deal with. Just bad relationships and subtle stuff that I'm only learning now was really wrong. My therapist is great and not pushy about this, I hope you have a good one too.

-ella

June 10, 2007
5:25 pm
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Ella ~

I'm glad you feel better today and went out with some friends. It always feels good when we leave our place even if for a while.

"On the way home I felt so awful, I wanted to do all sorts of awful things. I wanted to cut myself. I wanted to take pills, drink, etc. or all at once like I used to. But I hold on because I love my dog. If it weren't for her I don't know what I'd do."

My kitty played the same role in my life, esp. when I started my own recovery. Thanks to her, she helped me to persevere & even saved my life thru many harsh and unfair trials. There was a period when I felt suicidal and thought that life was not worth the trouble. She really helped me to want/continue to live. Pets are amazing!!! I wish I could have a dog as well. May be sometime in the near future!

"Rasputin, you are so sweet to say those nice things. However, I wouldn't make a good therapist because I hate people too much and I hate myself."

I assure you, Ella, when you start to heal, you will begin to love yourself and love others as well. I struggle with phobia from people due to the amount of abuse that took place in my life. When I started to heal, I began to love people, esp "kind folks."

It is amazing how sisters can be different from each other, how well I can identify/relate with/to that. I was always left out, the black sheep of the family.

RB ~

I'm sorry hon you feel that way! As you can see, you're not alone! Unfulfillment can bring so many negative feelings with them. However, one must get over that. Have you disocovered your dreams & passions yet??? Are your pursuing them?

YES, I would most certainly recommend you to post your problems here. I have forgiven my mother thru self-help books. It was not easy, I admit. Now I have good relationship with her full of mutual love and respect. I hope you will experience that Red. When you post, you will realize that many people have the same problems just like yours, and this will even bring quicer healing and relief when you realize that many here and eslewhere are in the same boat.

Remember when you start to heal, you will begin to feel better about yourself and gradually you will start to like people instead of resenting them. Also, another key is ro discoer your purpose in life and passoin and pursue them, as I mentioned earlier. When you do that, I assure you, your resentment will turn into confidence.

I honestly believe that the more transparent & vulnerable a person is...the more their chances are of healing & recovery. Judging or ostracizig people is unfair, we have all been screwed up & we live in an imperfect ugly world!

Another thing you should remember is: "Appearance is deceptive!" Not all married people are happy. In fact, a big number of them is or might be living in an abusive, unhealthy, codep, loveless...relationship. So, this will hopefully makes you more realistic rather than over-romanticizing things and getting jeolous of them.

Folks, may all our dreams come true!

Another adage which will inspire you:

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." ~Theodore Rosevelt

(((Ella & Red)))

June 11, 2007
12:11 am
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Ella,

I am also a incest and rape survivor. My opinion is that you do not work on these topics unless they are causing problems in your life. I have allowed therapists to convince me that I needed to address the rape and incest. It nearly distroyed me and a few people in my life. I spent years putting myself back together again after all the destruction a therapist did to me.

If a therapist tells you to try to recall memories...........run in another direction. You will remember what you are capable of dealing with. There is something called False Memory Syndrome. If you push yourself to remember you can become confused and are not always remembering things that happened. Please be careful, if you aren't having flash backs and your past abuse isn't creating problems in you life, you have nothing to talk about. Protect yourself from some of those bad counselors out there. I wish you the best.

Ali

June 11, 2007
1:43 am
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Ali ~

That is also good advice. My therapist has pushed me at all to recall...I went to her because I was having flashbacks and not dealing well with them. I have PTSD and panic attacks, and even though I know the flashbacks/memories can be painful, that they cannot harm me, they are very upsetting. They were making me become reclusive and stopping me from moving forward.

My therapist does not push...she works with battered women and children and realizes that things come at their own pace, in their own time. She has only made me look at things from different perspectives, and being an artist, we use different perspectives in painting or drawings, I just never applied that to my life. Now I am starting to put aside my emotions or to step aside from them when someone or something is upsetting me or making me feel bad and looking at things from a different perspective or with objectivity. Which I think is a huge leap for the good, for me, but it may not be that way for others.

I realize that there is "false memory syndrome" basically it is because we want to 'please' someone else (eg. therapist). Children often do this because they are more or less 'coached' into false memories. And I have heard that some ask if you want hypnosis to help bring out memories. I never did, and from what I have heard about it...I would not suggest it.

I am working on the guilt and shame and the fear that was engrained in me which I feel I still have dealing with others in my life.

June 11, 2007
2:14 am
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serenityali-

Thank you for your wise advise. Unfortunately, I had a similar experience to what you discribed. Funny, but I need the reminder anyway because sometimes we are too quick to look for a catch all explaination to all our ills. Abuse allows people to "blame" someone a little to handily. I'm not down playing the true cases of abuse and it's tragic effects on people, I'm just saying people in my circumstance should not jump the gun and make assumptions when things are not clear. Besides, I think in the past I was hoping that if I talked and talked that I'd be miraculously "fixed." Talk is good, obsessing is not. And there are no quick fixes with this. Maybe even before addressing it further I need to accept that there will always be grey areas, and that the past cannot be changed.

My therapist has not pushed me. We were dealing with current issues, relationship dynamics in my family at present. My body issues. Stuff like that. She doesn't believe in pushing. I agree that this can be damaging when it comes to false memory syndrome because in the past I had a therapist who did push the issue before she even got to know me. Yes, it was traumatising. I was unstable, acted out, and there was a trail of damage.

-ella

June 11, 2007
2:18 am
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DISTINGUISHING TRUE FROM FALSE MEMORIES: NEED FOR CORROBORATION
"It is not known how to distinguish, with complete accuracy, memories based on true events from those derived from other sources."
American Psychiatric Association, Statement on Memories of Sexual Abuse, 1993.

"The AMA considers recovered memories of childhood sexual abuse to be of uncertain authenticity, which should be subject to external verification."

American Medical Association, Council on Scientific Affairs, Memories of Childhood Sexual Abuse, 1994.

"The available scientific and clinical evidence does not allow accurate, inaccurate, and fabricated memories to be distinguished in the absence of independent corroboration."

Australian Psychological Society, Guidelines Relating to the Reporting of Recovered Memories, 1994.

"At present there are no scientifically valid criteria that would generally permit the reliable differentiation of true recovered memories of sexual abuse from pseudomemories."

Michigan Psychological Association, Recovered Memories of Sexual Abuse: MPA Position Paper, 1995.

"At this point it is impossible, without other corroborative evidence, to distinguish a true memory from a false one."

American Psychological Association, Questions and Answers about Memories of Childhood Abuse, 1995.

"Psychologists acknowledge that a definite conclusion that a memory is based on objective reality is not possible unless there is incontrovertible corroborating evidence."

Canadian Psychological Association, Position Statement on Adult Recovered Memories of Childhood Sexual Abuse, 1996.

http://www.fmsfonline.org/reliable.html

June 11, 2007
9:44 am
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Hi Ella, thanks for the post. I have talked about this issue with theripist, my abusier, and my mother. I always end up feeling dirty and ashamed.

I wish much of the time that I had just left it in the past and gone on pretending that it never happened. I know that it has affected my life and relationships; certainly my family.

I will be looking for some advice in your post that I can use as well.

Great Post.

Cary

June 11, 2007
12:59 pm
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tiedupinknots
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Yes there is excellent help on how to do this at http://www.thework.com
Specifically on abuse, I was given a tape called
The work of Byron Katie
Tape of the Month - Feb. 1999
What We'll Do For Love
You can email their customer support if you can't find it in the store. Best work I've ever seen for stopping the beliefs, the pain, the suffering. It is simple but not easy. Your worth it. Good luck. 🙂

June 11, 2007
6:15 pm
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caraway-

Most likely the best advice in this thread will come from others besides me. I feel I am pretty inept at dealing with this right now, but at least we have support here.

Like you, when I talk about this in therapy I feel dirty and guilty and ashamed also. I feel that I must be deluding myself (I have no traumatic rape incident to recall, "just" emotional incest and inappropriate behavior, and inappropriate affection past an acceptable age.)

What troubles me a lot is that I FELT discomfort as a child and a teen, that my father was caressing, kissing, holding me in certain ways... and I don't KNOW that it is wrong. I NEEDED someone to tell me that at such an advanced age it is disorienting. My therapist did not do that at first, I keep talking. And I told her I thought it was me, that I felt like I was the pervert for thinking "that way" that my dad (and grandmother) had those impulses. I have seen similarly "subtle" things go on in movies and tv and it was depicted as abhorrent. Did people notice these things about my family too? Most likely. Or maybe we are so numb to that in this culture that we don't see what is wrong. We don't see a child's discomfort with her father having her sit on his lap at age 12, or such things. I don't know. Or am I a hysteric? I've only done a small amount of research so far and there seem to be two divided camps on this issue. Odd, it's like the topic people have such extreme opinions on because it must touch a lot of nerves in a lot of people. Even professionals.

-ella

Another thing that has become really unclear to me, my grandmother would talk about how my father was "looking at" me and my sister wrong. She maybe shouldn't have done that. But I don't know if she was attempting to express what she observed and flipping out. I told her she was disgusting and crazy. I used to think she abused me too, I remember her maniacally scrubbing my sister's and my vaginas clean with soap until it stung when we were tiny. Maybe that was her way of thinking that something happened and trying to cover? I have no idea. That is all I know.

It is sad to me that these things come up and I seem to get no where with them but feel awful. I hope this therapist will help me further and won't fumble it like one of the others did.

Caraway, we need to vent here, but I hope we also get to take time to distract ourselves with enjoyable diversions. I had a really good day today in a class I am taking and with the nice weather. I hope you find some joy in your days too.

...and the same to all here.

hugs,
ella

June 11, 2007
6:22 pm
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tiedupinknots-

I do believe there is a middle ground in all of this, where parents have not behaved correctly, even are a little sick and incestuous... but do not purpetrate extreme and shocking scenarios like we are led to believe...

(I posted some good website info on Libs) ... there is a place to draw the line, what to leave in the past, and what to grapple with.

Certainly, I don't believe in trying to drudge up the memories of the Satanic ritual that your parents probably never took part in. Remember that hysteria? That just stops people from getting the real help they need from the real problems that exist. And there are those real problems for some of us, unfortunately.

I'm gonna check out that web site, thanks for that recommendation!

-ella

June 11, 2007
6:33 pm
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For what it's worth.......... I check into this site from time to time for some great insight...and the thing that I find most intriging is this stuff that never came up in therapy..........so here is my little bit of golden nuggets of insight that I have finally figured out on my own: It's all about trying to remember - right?

Well, the kicker about ALL OF THAT IS...is that traumatic memories DO NOT and WILL NOT surface on a logical, linear mode!!!!!!

Just doesn't work that way.

I will tell you a story that happenned to me many years ago in therapy........(an insight that I gathered solely upon my own recourse.....matter of fact, now that I think about it - that damn therapist owes me a couple of sessions worth at a cost of $125 per session!!!!! $$$$) you see, I have a small area of fiberglass roof over my enclosed back patio where most of my cats hang out in. This roof was full of old leaves and debris. So, I climbed upon a ladder with my garden hose set at a "high, direct nozzle" speed - and I tried to remove all of this built-up debris by going DIRECTLY to the bottom of it....well, you know what? Didn't work. All I did was vaguely "move about" all of this debris only a little bit by trying to get directly to the bottom of it. The physics of it all prevented me from clearing it all out. (This is a very important point I am talking about here....) So - as I struggeld with the water hose - aimed and dertermined to get right slap down to the bottom of it - all those old leaves and debris did was to slightly reposition itself. the stuff never actually moved. So - getting a little pissed off because of all of this - I realized something pretty incredible: IT WAS ONLY WHEN I STARTED TO SKIM THE VERY TOP LAYERS - ONE BY ONE - THAT I WAS FINALLY ABLE TO CLEAR OUT ALL OF THAT FUCKING GUNK THAT WAS BLOCKING OUT THE LIGHT!!!!!!!

That incredible of exercise in pure physics helped me to realize that you just cant' get "right to the bottom of things" without first going through the top and middle layers.

Just the way it fucking works.

So, as you may have guessed, I realized that I just can not "get to the bottom" of things without first starting from the top and skimming off layer by layer........ so that's where I am right now.

I now know that it's a matter of peeling back each layer....and in my case - I have since realized that I MUST....first and foremost START and that WHICH I CAN AND DO REMEMBER - and then proceed from there.

Again, I reiterate.... just the fucking way it all works out!!!!!!

(Note - I time, through persistence and patience - I was FINALLY able to clear out all of that debris on the fiberglass roof - which in turn, did INDEED and EVENTUALLY allow the sun to come through!!!!!!!!!!)

That insight is for free!!!!!!!

June 11, 2007
6:55 pm
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another side note - you have to be willing to cash in your naivette for the truth. (Something, I suspect most of us are not willing to do - but should at least seriously consider...............) ...truth B told.........

June 11, 2007
7:28 pm
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Also - I have to say that ANY mention a supposingly "False Memory Syndrome" only perpetuates more self-doubt......something clearly most of us DO NOT need!!!!!

(Read and check into the whole "false memory sydrome" fiasco and you will understand why......)

I know that there has to be a reason why I have always felt that the only thing that I was good for was sex growing up.....and WHY exactly was it that I felt that I had to shut down and split off (into many different "ego-states" growing up thinking deep, DEEP down inside of me that I was never anything more than an object these conclusions just don't come out of the blue!

They have their horrible inceptions at a time where our child brains were simply not equipped to handle to awful truth.

To further exploit the matter, bullshit hoildays such as mother's day and father's day continue to perpetuate our own self-doubt and keep us locked into to a reality where I have now realized that Norman Fucking Rockwell was extremely delusional!!!!!!!!

Really now!!!!!!!!!!!!!

June 11, 2007
10:56 pm
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truthbtold-

Thank you for all that input. Especially your story... (It would make a great poem.)

"Also - I have to say that ANY mention a supposingly "False Memory Syndrome" only perpetuates more self-doubt......something clearly most of us DO NOT need!!!!! "

I need this site, and I need to have to look into these things. I do not believe it was wrong to bring that up here. And I do appreciate your opinion as well as others. There are others though, and I don't think I should censor my questions or discoveries (which may or may not apply to everyone or be correct)... it is up to the individual as to what they want to agree with. It is therapuetic, in fact, to solidify what you feel and know to be true. And that will be different for all of us.

If most people don't need to hear about "false memory syndrome", maybe some of us are interested in it. It IS important. Because, if and when we have memories- we have to know why they are significant. Calling them "false" well... that would depend on circumstance, and one would have to call into question why exactly someone would create a "false" memory to begin with- and usually there is a problem behind that that is serious enough to address whether the event itself actually played out verbatim. I think that is important.

For example, if I have flashbacks or scattered images of something very uncomfortable that I or no one else can prove, well isn't the important question what is leading me there? Something is awry and needs to be addressed. There is a lack of stability and/or trust or emotional incest at the very least that might have caused such a thing. Just an example. So that has to be talked about. That doesn't imply that the abuse victim's feelings and opinions and memories are invalidated in any way. Quite the opposite. Get it?

I have been working at this issue for DECADES despite my place in the progress of it all. So I know what time it takes. The effects of abusive relationships alone slow down the process of healing. The years I lost to self medication alone don't help it.

The memories are what they are. I think when they are forced, that is when the whole "false memory" thing is what happens according to what I have read and experienced. They may not be false, but sometimes they may not come together as clearly as we need them to in time to heal. This can be the fault of the therapist. Some get a little ambitious I think.

Naturally this is an issue that will upset people even to talk about in generalities. But the problem with it is that it CANNOT be talked about in concise and general terms and applied to all.

-ella

June 11, 2007
11:59 pm
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Ella,

Just wanted to reply to the comments on "False Memory Syndrome" I didn't mention this because I was questioning if a memory was false or correct. It was about a therapist pushing a client into attempting to remember abuse or parts of abuse that maybe didn't happen. I only brought this up because my therapist attempted to make me believe I was part of a satanic cult and killed people, was sexually abused by members etc. At one point I really thought this could have been true an suffered terribly. Admitted myself into a well know hospital that specialized in dissociative disorders. I worked the the President of that States Psychological Association. He helped put me back together again. I lost a lot by allowing her to influence me into thinking a lot of things that were not true. She old me I had 16 personalities and needed to be involved in all these relationships with different people because all my alters were in love with different people. I suffered terribly for a few years until going to this hospital. The doctor there told me to go home and forget about what I was told. There was nothing to back it up. I spent a lot of years putting myself back together again. I couldn't go to another counselor and ask for help because they thought I was Multiple and in denial. I read books on integrating yourself and did it. But went through hell....for a long time. I didn't mean to offend anyone, just want all to be careful and alert of who they are working with. I have nothing but love and respect for all survivors of abuse.

Ali

June 12, 2007
12:46 am
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Ali ~

I am sorry that you were put through all of that. I know that there are some therapists out there that do not realize the damage that they can do by 'pushing' or using 'hypnosis' in their therapy. I have been lucky that I have not run up against any of them. I had been so traumatized in one evening and in subsequent evenings that I blocked most of my childhood out. It wasn't until I was divorced from my first physically abusive husband that I started to have 'flashbacks' of childhood physical abuse. No one understood - flashbacks - at that time. I thought I was going crazy or was crazy at first - thought that none of this could have possibly have happened to me! I had no one to talk to about these - flashbacks - memories - out of fear that I was really crazy. So I would ask my dad questions, to see if any of it could be - verified. Just things that came along with the memories - not about the abuse - and they were verified by him. I think my dad was also in denial at that time, but I knew what I had remembered or had the flashback about - was true. My flashbacks came back in stages - it wasn't until years later that the next stage started and until I had divorced my second abusive husband and suffered another life threatening trauma - about 15 years later. I had learned by then that the flashbacks were based in fact.

You didn't offend me at all. And you are correct to say that all should be careful and alert of who they are working with. What that therapist did was deplorable - you were in a highly vulnerable state - we all are that way - and highly susceptible to suggestions while in that vulnerable state. It is hell enough to go through abuse, let alone being abused unwittingly by someone who is supposed to be helping us get out of that hell.

(((((((ALI))))))))

June 12, 2007
9:45 am
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Red Blond, thank you so much for the reply.

There are few people in my life who know this part of my story. I haven't talked about it in years, so I appreciate the validation. I really could use a little counseling in this area. It has affected areas of my life, just fearful of another bad experience.

Thank you for the kind words. I'm off to work.

Ali

June 12, 2007
10:08 am
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caraway
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I only wish that there was the possibility of some kind of "false memory".

I am just sad and angry that my childhood was cut so short and that my family will never be a family. I was unable to focus on just being a kid after the first time "it" happened. I liked the positive attention and sharing a secret with someone gave me some strange sense of belonging.

Today, it just makes me sick and sad. I was so trusting and wanted to be loved and needed so badly that I was willing to let something like this happen. My memories start when I about five and it continued until I was in the 7th grade. After that, I had some experiences with a man that I worked for who knew that my home life was terrible and that I had to have a job to be able to have clothes for school and if I wanted any money to do things with friends. Again, I trusted a man who was a father and married.

Just makes me feel like a total weak loser.

Cary

June 12, 2007
11:20 am
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red blonde
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Cary ~

Don't get angry for me for saying this - but STOP IT.

I am saying that because when you were a child, you had no control over what was being done to you. And what was done to you was WRONG!

You are not 'a total weak loser'!

I have been there, done that, myself. It has affected my whole life, still does. I am still in recovery of myself. My self esteem, my self worth, my self confidence, my making my own decisions that I have always based on others. I am sad, profoundly sad, angry, wasn't allowed to be a child, couldn't discern bad people from good people and allowed the pattern of abuse to continue in other relationships. I trusted everyone because I didn't even trust myself. Now I have major trust issues.

I am working hard to get over all of this. It is HARD work. I never felt I belonged anywhere, with anyone, so I believed that other people validated me, my existence. I looked for love in all the wrong places because I never knew what love was as a child nor what it was like to be loved....only used and abused. I was sexually, physically, mentally, verbally and emotionally abused by my mother. And I have just now realized that I have been looking for a 'mother' in all my relationships because I never had a mother...just a tormentor.

I still get down on myself. I still want to throw in the towel some days.

I don't know why I haven't already.

There must be something deep inside of me, don't know what, maybe it is my spirit that won't let me, maybe it is a higher power that won't let me. I just never gave up totally.

I am on a journey to recovery, for the recovery and discovery of ME. It is not easy, it is downright hard, and I wish that all my memories or flashbacks were false memories too. But they weren't and aren't, I can only learn what I can from them and try to do the best I can, with myself, now, to validate myself, to love myself, and to be proud of myself. Because I am a survivor and that really is something to be proud of...in my own opinion. I am learning to LIVE - and doing it my way.

I apologize if I am sounding like I am 'jumping' on you or yelling at you. I do not mean to be doing that.

Nor do I mean to offend or upset you or anyone. Didn't mean to lecture either. I think I got a little angry when you stated "just makes me feel like a total weak loser." Because I used to feel the exact same way, and I am learning that I don't HAVE to feel that way anymore. I want to feel like I am a totally strong winner!

June 12, 2007
11:32 am
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red,

Wow! I have never really "heard" these feeling captured so well. I am not offended at all.

I to, have spent all of my life in the wrong relationships. I try and make careful decisions and convince myself that this is a good person for me, etc. In truth, I pick people who on some level are unatainable, or make me feel like I don't measure up. I then set out to "make" them love me and prove them wrong.

I don't have a clue who I am. I am 42 years old and feel completely out of control of my feelings, life, and future.

Cary

June 12, 2007
11:56 am
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red blonde
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Cary ~

I just blurted all that out. And to be honest, it kind of shocked me that I did - blurt all that out. Hmmm, I think I must be doing 'something' right afterall on my 'journey'.

I am learning that I am important even if not to anyone other than just myself.

I am trying to stop validating myself through someone else's eyes other than my own.

I am learning that if I don't love myself as I should, how can I love or be loved by someone else.

I get lonely, yes, sometimes terribly lonely...but I have also felt terribly lonely and alone sleeping next to someone who I believed really loved me. I have to learn that maybe, just maybe, that I am lonely for MYSELF. I have been 'missing' me.

I was brainwashed as a child to be a people pleaser and a caretaker and to never say 'no' or 'no more'. I have been learning to say 'no' and 'no more' and if others do not like me saying that, well, that is on them, not me. I am not basing my self worth on pleasing anyone or caretaking anyone just so I can feel validated or 'loved' when all they are really doing is taking advantage of me and using me with no real feelings towards me or my feelings in return.

Hope I am making sense.

gotta run and do some stuff for MYSELF!

June 12, 2007
12:59 pm
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caraway
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red,

Sounds like you are figuring things out. I hear things like "taking care of myself" and struggle with always feeling like I am being selfish or rude to speak-up about my needs. I usually just sit back and wait for someone to hurt my feelings, to be thoughtless, and then in some sick way feel validated. I guess it is being a martar?

I don't get lonely and I am currently in a realtionship. I get into a realtionship and immediately begin to look for ways out. I usually push the person as hard as I can to try and make them leave me, so that I can say I knew you wouldn't stay. The problem is that I usually end up leaving them. I convince myself that they don't understand me, and judge them harshly on their past.

I don't even know where to start, or what needs to be fixed.

Cary

June 12, 2007
7:03 pm
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red blonde
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Cary ~

I think I started figuring things out when I realized that I was doing everything everyone else wanted to do and wanted me to do. I realized that they were not willing to do anything that I wanted to do. They would ask, but whatever I wanted to do, they either negated or ignored making me feel more and more like I was just an 'appliance'. And if I didn't do what they wanted to do, well, then they would just leave me to do it anyway. It started to make feel very lonely and alone. And if I did the things I wanted to do, then the abuse would start. As though I had no right to be an individual or have my wants or even my needs met.

I am in a long distance relationship with someone from my distant past. He is wonderful, just wants to make me the happiest that I can be and loves and is in love with me and he is very supportive of me and what I do and want to do. I love and am in love with him....but I am holding him at arm's length because of some of my 'fears'.

I don't know if I am explaining things right.

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