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How do you get someone to see they're co-dependant?? Especially if you're the one in the relationship with healthy boundaries?
May 12, 2010
1:20 am
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wantinghealthyboundaries
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I'm needing some insight right now. I'm currently on the other end of a immensely codependent relationship with my mother. Her being the one with co-dependency issues. I have tried and tried and tried to set healthy boundaries and every time it leads to a huge fight, hang ups (her hanging up normally), emotional manipulation in many forms, the list continues. I am currently married and my husband and I both are so tired of dealing with it. I have dealt with this all my life and don't ask me how I made it out without the same issues. I have read the symptoms of a co-dependent person and she fits EVERY last one of them. To a "T". She has been a single mother most of my life and I believe that this and issues from her childhood have only magnified the situation.

We are now going on almost a month without speaking. Taking on my mother essentially means taking on the rest of her large family who I grew up extremely close to. It has created an extremely awkward situation for everyone and my mother is even convincing my younger sister that my husband is trying to keep me away from everyone. Which couldn't be farther from the truth. He's the one helping me and supporting me through this. (She is the only parent I currently have that's living.) We have made it clear to her that we want a relationship but it needs to be respectful and she needs to know her place. I have suggested counseling and therapy on MANY occasions, but she always ignores it or agrees that she/we need it but nothing ever comes of it.

Please, I need to know what step I should take next. I feel like I'm in the midst of a childish game and I'm not the one intending on being childish. I've tried to handle it the adult way but it doesn't get me anywhere anymore. I feel like I'm currently using my two children as pawns (Which we're not intending on doing at all. She can come see them if she'd like but refuses to come here and be around us.), even though she's the one that's creating this situation. She has even said recently (in a past argument) that she was purposely not talking to me to try and punish me! Who does that!?!

May 12, 2010
9:48 am
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Lanigirl
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Hey Wanting,

Not a good situation and the worst part is that you're children are getting the short end of the stick.

I see that you have seen counseling as an option. Have you considered counseling just for yourself? How about an AA or CODA meeting? Changing the equation will be hard but it'll be worth the peace.

May 12, 2010
10:33 am
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StronginHim77
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You cannot "fix" your mother, but you CAN get some support and tools for yourself. If you can manage it, get into counseling for yourself. We can all benefit from professional support when addressing such a challenging, lifelong struggle.

Counseling for yourself may provide you with new skills for detaching that you might not learn, otherwise. Please consider this. It sure beats your current "Mexican stand-off."

There are ways to co-exist fairly peacefully -- calmly enforcing healthy boundaries -- with codependent people. Time to check them out?

- Ma Strong

May 12, 2010
11:01 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Gosh do I know this, the simplest way to not get hurt is to not go there, I mean to cut off contact and have your own life, cause people will see things the way they want too, will do things the way they prefer to do, esp at that age, unless of course she sees she needs help, then that is different....

Honestly its best to just not engage with these kind of people, your never ever win...

Sorry:( Hugs to you, I know, I have entire abusive family that is like this and I have finally seen the light, they are not going change but i can protect me and my family and just stay away....

May 12, 2010
11:27 am
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Anam Cara
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Well, I can identify with this problem. My son died and left a wife and two daughters. The wife is in my opinion full of evil towards me and my son and his family. I have fallen over backwards to try and heal this family tragedy - yet in she comes and destroys every attempt to make for a happy family again. I used to agonise over this until I flatly refused to allow myself to suffer any more. I stopped sending birthday cards to my granddaughters who are old enough to move beyond the influences of the mother home. Cut myself off completely from trying any more to heal this sadness.
Result - I do not stress myself anymore and find peace in the hope that one day they will grow into adulthood enough to seek me and my sons family out.

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