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how do you feel when taking care of other peoples responsibilites
February 16, 2006
8:25 pm
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hopeful for change
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I am suppose to be evaluating how I feel when I take care of others crap or when I feel compelled to. The only feeling I can find is PISSED. Stressed and like I am treated unfairley. Like when he sits on the couch and I do a million things.

February 16, 2006
8:35 pm
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gazelle
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I feel resentful. Self-pitying. But also a bit self-righteous that at least I'm doing it all & they aren't!

Sad, lonely & unappreciated, sometimes even moaney. Then cross - at them for not doing things; but also angry at myself for taking on their responsibilities, like a doormat / maid / pushover.

Depressed. Stuck. Taken for granted. Unappreciated. Alone. Worn out.

Then I feel tired. And then ashamed of myself for the whole dynamic: my weakness getting caught up in all this. And then I resolve to change and STOPPIT!

Blessings - gazelle.

February 16, 2006
8:36 pm
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gazelle
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Classic, textbook codependent - that's me! Eugh! But it's my Birthday & I hereby resolve to GROW OUT OF IT!!!

February 16, 2006
8:41 pm
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bonni
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like i should have used birth control and resisted the stupid ticking clock. i didn't have kids to experience the joy of being a full time cook, maid, tutor, and referee. but thats where we are. i know im supposed to teach them responsibility, but i'm so tired at the end of the day i just want to go to bed. they can do it; they just take too long or need help & its easier to do it myself.

February 16, 2006
11:50 pm
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hopeful for change
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maybe my pms is kicking in only feeling the anger right now. I know I feel all the feelings you talked about gazelle. And Happy Birthday. I always feel like if I don't do it it won't get done to. I feel stressed that I have so much to take care of when others are just sitting there. It pisses me off, maybe that's just the pms...but its what I am feeling today. I am sure I am suppose to be feeling all those things. Then rea lize I am victimizing myself or something...maybe tomorrow I'll get it lol

February 17, 2006
4:27 am
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rmckayx2
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That's the drag about being co-dependant. If I feel bad about myself- I usually try to prove my worthiness by taking care of others. It almost feels like I am compelled to look after other people. Taking care of other people is simply what I use to compensate for what I should be or what I feel I should be feeling.

February 17, 2006
12:02 pm
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mj
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My daughter was experiencing the same kind of anger that you are expressing hopeful. She works full-time and takes care of everyone, hubby, daughter, and herself. She says its so overwhelming. She asks for help and no one helps. She was told that she should sit on the couch and her inactivity would get them moving. She couldn't stand the mess that was created during her sitting time so would get up and start cleaning up again. I really don't think anger is pms. I think its a flag that something needs to change. What are your options?

February 17, 2006
6:18 pm
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hopeful for change
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that's what happens to me to - if I leave the mess, it just grows....so then I have more to take care of when I eventually can't stand it anymore. I may not be able to stand the dirty dishes, but I am realizing their are alot of things I don't have to that won't affect me for example: I don't have to do his laundry..this won't hurt me... But I do get mad when I clearly ask for help and don't get it. When I can have long discussions in a loving caring way...scream yell or do nothing....he doesn't help me.
Yet he wants me to drop everything to help him ..... today so far I think I haven't taken care of anyones resposibilites but my own.

February 17, 2006
7:07 pm
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Oh you guys I want to bring you all home to my house and take care of you.

I HEAR what is happening and how frustrating it is. You are working and a major or equal bread-winner, right?

Here's a thought....maybe start talking about how you really think you deserve as much "free" time as everyone else. Find out how much it will cost to get a housekeeper to come and do laundry and clean bathrooms, floors, and vacuum (you choose the essential chores) and then have a person come once a week and do that (like on Friday?) Choose the filthiest house you all know of and ask your family if that is how they want to live.

I'm serious. Tell the family it is coming out of their allowance, or the whatever budget, and tell them it will start in 2 weeks, unless they pitch in. Then follow through and do it. I did this, and they pitched in. My sister does it, because her job has blossomed into a lot of hours and travel and she now sees it as a necessary part of her time management.

Go to bed. Get a proper night's sleep for yourself. Set the alarm a littler earlier than everyone else gets up in the morning and putz around for a bit before the day begins again.

Maybe you can plan a day for yourself -- hire a babysitter or....you know what they say about "If SHE's not happy, no one is"? Decide what you need to get happy again? Then remember that and don't just go on to the next thing that you want to feel unhappy about. Nobody wants to do the chores if they're always getting yelled at to do it -- that's kind of just human nature.

Less than serious now.....detach.... Step away from the baseball bat and the kitchen knives. Display teeth invitingly. Monitor volume and tone of voice......detach.

February 18, 2006
7:28 am
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hopeful for change
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Brynnie you crack me up yoi want to come over and take care of us...I needed that laugh right now.

My problem isn't my children, they actively participate its My husband. And I am a task oriented kind of person. I make lists I like to get things accomplished. I get really frustrated when I can't do something myself like for example change an outlet. So if I ask, it doesn't matter how many times or the way I go about it - He will take six months to a year or never do it. Yet he can lay in bed for days at a time. Get up and go "help" a friend in need (probably involved alcohol) - THen then everyday tasks...he won't lift a finger but then complains and bitches and throws a fit if the kids put a pan up in not the perfect place. It really irritates me as atleast they are helping and trying he isn't and they aren't perfect...but they do 200 times more them him. Sorry venting.

I just feel anger.

February 18, 2006
9:05 am
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hbdude2k
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I used to be like that. Doing everything for everybody. However, I was doing that to be accepted, to be the best person in that persons life. This was my life. Now, during recovery, it slowy started to piss me off when others were lazy. Now, I totally enjoy telling those others to get off their ass and come and take care of their business. The first time I did it, I thought, how freakn easy was that, and you know what, they didn't feel any different about me. I was accepted just as good as I was before. Granit, for a split second they call me lots of names, but after the job is done, the friendship and communication between whoever is still there. This is all part of my fear being gone, out the door, and accepting me for who I am and not trying to be who I want them to think I am.....Crazy sh*t we codependents think in our minds huh?

February 18, 2006
9:22 am
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hopeful for change
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yeah it sure is. I do speak my mind and ask for help, demand help, beg for help...it's like flat out definance I've tried everything...and even not doing anything. I guess it comes down to I can't make someone else do anything.

February 18, 2006
9:33 am
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whidbey
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For the time I was with my ex-N, I somewhat felt responsible for how he felt, which was EXHAUSTING! I really fell into the muck when I was down at his place for six weeks. Talk about codependent, doormat, etc. I chalk that up to a combination of me being exhausted already when I got there, my childhood parental history, and yes, codependence, not to mention the mind games that an N will play to make one feel that way. I remember when I finally decided I wasn't going to do it any longer. It was after one of his raging tantrums (one of many) when he had kicked a plastic planter apart on the patio. I didn't touch the mess, just left it. I know he was waiting for me to clean it up, but I refused. He never had the balls to outright ask (or, in his vernacular TELL me) to clean it up, which was a good thing, because I would have told him I wouldn't do it. That was a huge turning point for me. I realized, finally, that that relationship was going nowhere, and fast. Luckily, it was almost time for me to go home, so didn't really have to deal with anymore of his toxic fall-out, or, rather, didn't play into it any longer. Even the final contact, when I contacted him about sending my jacket back, he started to go into his routine of poor him, no energy, he's so sore, yadda, yadda... I just didn't respond except for "hmmmm..." "yeah.." Never going to get sucked into that mess again. In the beginning, I was, frankly, over the top in trying to make him feel better, but now realize that with him it would be a never-ending task that would never be enough.

That being said, I do have to catch myself from trying to solve others' problems for them, and just be a good listener to my true friends. That was a problem I've always had in the past, but have finally recognized it and try to stay back now.

February 18, 2006
10:11 am
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Dear hopeful,

I think you might be married to my h's clone. I think that it has always been like this -- it was only when we put our old house on the market that he finally got the staircase and door fixed. I waited 7 years for a baseboard once. And now it has been almost 6 yrs for some window trim and 3 yrs for a couple of pieces of bathroom tile.

Some of it is house blindness, you know? You see it that way every day you don't see it anymore.

And some of it is a sort of depression that hangs around that alcoholic pattern.

My h remembers getting "trapped" sometimes in his father's basement workshop, really wishing he had gotten away earlier and was playing b-ball with his friends. Imagine how welcome my input is to that unhappy memory.

The best luck I've had is the threat to hire an electrician or a plumber myself (like right out of the yellow pages) and pay whatever. The trick is to follow through and actually have it done. Of course no one wants to spend the money if you know he is capable of doing it himself.....you could also go ahead and do it yourself (poorly enough he feels he has to take over??)

My h has undertaken some pretty awesome projects around the house. So he's not lazy. The problem is that he leaves the last 5-10% unfinished. AND he does not try very hard to maintain order with tools. He just "puts" stuff. Not away, just somewhere.

And the dichotomy? He likes it when our house is clean and neat and everything works properly. I think alcohol has always aided in tamping down any shame he might feel about it. He also has alcoholic buddies who probably screw up in this department as much or a little more than he does....so it's OK with him 'cause he's justified it.

February 18, 2006
10:20 am
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Dear whidbey,

You're a powerful soul.

I've never had to deal with temper tantrums. I think you were soooo wise to walk away from that and I respect you so much. I never had to feel fear, or that nothing I do ever changes the way things are. I know my h will respond to reason most of the time.

February 18, 2006
10:57 am
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whidbey
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Thanks Brynnie. I sure don't always FEEL like I'm a powerful soul. Sometimes, I feel like I'm a frightened, blubbering mess. Though, the farther I get away from that horrible relationship, the stronger I feel. I feel like my "old self" is returning, and it feels good. My friends say they've always seen me as a strong person. That's why I'm still scratching my head as to why I got into this relationship and stayed even as long as I did. What was I thinking?!? Ah well, it's history now, and one from which I've learned an immense lesson. Such is life... 🙂

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