Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
HOW DO YOU ENGAGE IN DATING AND RISE ABOVE REJECTION
March 27, 2007
11:04 pm
Avatar
penny lane
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Am I the only one out in the dating world trying to meet and greet new people...and finding that rejection is starting to take a toll on me...You meet someone who appears attracted to you...you respond in like..engage and try to facilitate and create opportunities to get to know each other better...you smile and open up about your self and share to help communication grow...you dress nicely...you are interested in them...and then......it fades away...they meet someone else that may have more of this or more of that...and you find you cant compete ...even if you wanted to..
how do you know in the beginning if someone has an agenda or not ...as we grow older it becomes easier and more proficient to hide true intentions ..any advice out there????

March 28, 2007
6:07 am
Avatar
nvr2late
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

penny...
well, I cannot say that I am trying to date, but I am open to it..I don't think I am giving off the 'vibes' though.

and I don't think you can find out someone's true intentions...after a date or 2.
they probably don't even know!

maybe you are over-analyzing too much?
maybe you should just go out to have a good time and see what happens, you don't want to force a relationship..it need to just flow

I would look at it not as rejection, but as a lesson, and they are the ones missing out.

not everyone is in the place to have a relationship, they might think so..but then realize they are not when feelings come in.

don't take things like that personally!! be glad that you found out sooner rather than later!!!

nvr

March 28, 2007
6:35 am
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Penn~

Dating, falling in love...are all risks and potentials for vulnerability and that's what makes this process beautiful despite the pain and disappointments.

Keep being Open about this dating process even if you get hurt - it's part of the process.

One thing I'm pretty sure about...when the man is interested in you, me...anybody else...nothing will stop him. Just get up brush yourself off and start over optimistically thanking God that you did not end up with someone who does not love you.

Keep going be open to dates, tell friends that you're looking for someone & be open to their suggestions...you know blind dates etc and the right person will come along at the right time.

Blessings, Ras~

March 28, 2007
8:30 am
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Today's dating is a lot harder and more frustrating. The new technologies you would think would make it easier but instead it is over rated and very people people really do match up. There are a lot more single people out there these days and they prefer it that way. Which makes it hard for those that really do want a relationship and to get married. Because of that you are faced with more "rejection" if you want to call it that. Really is just is people more open to move quicker to the next person, not because someone else is better, but just because something just did not click. I really don't know. IF you feel you are too frustrated with it, take a break. I know I got really frustrated with on line and then the past few guys are major disappointments. The whole thing is a disappointment really. I have deep abandonment issues and been hurt too many times so when I try to date, I get easily disappointed if I find I really like the guy and he doesn't like me as much. That is when I feel rejected but the key is to lose this though quickly and to move on to something else and realize sometimes there is a reason why there is a reason that was not meant to be. Maybe this person was not right for you even though you don't know the reason and trust that something happened that saved you from a person that is possibly not good for you. I would not give up but maybe not try to be hard on yourself or those as well. Take it more lightly. Also when you date, you don't fall in love with every date. Unrealistic expectation. Expect that most will not work and all you need is that one that will. Searching takes time, effort and yes dealing with rejection. But that one is also looking for you too. YOu might be EXACTLY what someone else is looking for and likes you EXACTLY the way you are. IT is risky like Ras says but loves does take risk, and you don't want to lose yourself in the process.

March 28, 2007
11:27 am
Avatar
penny lane
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh ...you guys give wonderful encouragement and answers that lessen the sting ...and cause me to look thru the "other open door" and not get fixated on the immmediate feelings of the moment.

Thank you for being there with insight and understanding...I too have deep seated abandoment issues that I try to control in times like these...but sometimes I turn back into that little girl ...fearful of being unloved and left behind...sometimes taken advantage of...and it bubbles up in my mind and creates this "person" that I dont recognize in my day to day life...only when feelings and needs pop up...It is hard to be alone...that is why most folks stay in relationships that are not healthy for them...I leave...run away when things get unbearable and pain is too much to handle...its interesting...my ex...thank god I left him...did say something profound about me...that when I am hurt or feel sticken...I will BURN THE HOUSE DOWN to fight back...that makes me know there is alot of pain in there.

It is nice to hear kind words from strangers..people with nothing to gain but share their own stories and experiences...and this I know...we are all the same. Thank you again

March 28, 2007
12:27 pm
Avatar
revelation
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Penny, you love yourself, you take care of yourself above anyone else (i.e. your date) and you don't give to much of yourself away...its when you do that the hurt and anger will come.

I know we have all been told its a bad idea to play games in dating and I agree, but I don't think its a bad idea to just keep someone at arms length and not let them too much into your life in the early days until you are more sure that this might turn into more than just dating....I think the two key points are (1) love yourself and (2) Take it really slowly.

You ever heard the phrase "Its his loss" well, I used to think that was something that people just said when they had been dumped, but they didn't really mean it...but I was wrong...you really should love yourself enough to know that you are worth getting to know, that you have a lot to offer and that you are loveable....once you believe that then when a guy decides he doesn't want to continue dating or doesn't call you back, you won't feel rejected....it'll reall be a case of "Its his loss".

Rev.

March 28, 2007
2:07 pm
Avatar
Helena_Handbasket
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Penny, I'm just out of the starting gate on this forum. Honestly, I only found it about 7 minutes ago...but this too is another reason I'm here. I have the same question, and I'm so glad that you've asked it. I look forward to many more replies to this. When I post tomorrow morning, a little more about myself, you'll see that I too, fall into this category.

I've been through countless internet sites for singles and been on a number of dates. Some were great - others were just coffee, and 'see ya'. I've had the relationships where love has been professed, and then been rejected...more than once.

People tell me I'm very attractive, outgoing, happy, I'm the "complete package". Well if I am, why have I been rejected? More than once? Is it because I've picked the wrong person to date, or?.....

I've been on my own for the past 6 yrs now. After a very painful marriage break up, and subsequent depression, weight gain, and weight loss, I came to be in my 'happy place'. Completely happy with my little "forrest gump life". Now I've met someone who I really really care about, and BAM! All my old insecurities are rearing their ugly little heads. Just when I thought I was through the ordeal and happy being alone, I've met someone who's reminded me of what it's like to be part of a couple and it scares the crap out of me, but makes me so completely happy at the same time....

I'm so afraid of getting hurt yet again, that I feel like I'm waiting for the 'shoe to drop'. That's not fair to him, and it certainly isn't fair to me, but how do I stop that...waiting for that rejection which sometimes feels like it's bound to come?

Helena

March 28, 2007
3:34 pm
Avatar
dustpuff
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Wow...I don't know. I have been on a couple of dates. I am not really ready to date so I backed off. I met a couple of nice guys and while getting ready I was a complete and utter wreck with all the negative mind talk. He is going to think I am to fat. He is going to think I am unattractive. I hate my hair. I hate my body. Plus, I am a single mom with two kids really trying to get back on my feet. Throwing out a lot of my old clothes because they don't match the person I want to be now and some just remind me of my X.

I went out with one man and found out he was a DJ at a strip bar. He told me he was a DJ and I thought he meant at a radio station. My first husband was and he didn't go by his real name, so I didn't really think much about it. He wanted to help me find my sexual prowess. I was like... OOOOOOOOOOOOO NO! Ladies, I don't know about you but having sex is the last thing from my mind. That is a little to intimate for me at the moment. I was so shocked by this man.

Another man I went out with (a funeral director) did something similar. I had texted him and he said I am going to bed want to come. I mean we had 1 date. So, I am turned off by the whole thing.

I don't know what the answer is but I will be intrested in reading what you ladies have to say! Maybe I will venture out there. Maybe not. I think I am in the mindset that when I see him I will know it. HA...I am such a fairy tale thinker.

March 28, 2007
4:10 pm
Avatar
truthBtold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

penny lane,

To answer the title of your post: How Do You Engage In Dating And Rise Above Rejection?"

Through trail and error sweetheart.

Each and every situation gives you greater insight into yourself and is largely a matter of the process of elimination.

Eventually, you start to put yourself in the "driver's seat" and come to not so much focus on being rejected - but on rejecting....and that only comes from, each time, getting a clearer perspective of what YOU find interesting and worthwhile in someone else......and not the other way around.

Keep plugging!!!!!! You'll get there!!!!!

(As a side note, believe it or not, I have learned some great things by watching re-runs of "Sex and the City!")

tBt

March 28, 2007
6:10 pm
Avatar
revelation
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Helena,

Welcome to AAC! Hope to see more posts from you chick!

Whats intresting is, that you wrote this:

"People tell me I'm very attractive, outgoing, happy, I'm the "complete package". "

Now, thats all well and good and is without a doubt very true. I believe it, I'm sure the people who tell you that believe it...but the most important fact of all is...Do YOU believe it????

Until you can wholeheartedly with all of your being answer "YES" to that question, then you are running the risk of getting hurt. Its a fear of not being good enough which makes us latch on to the wrong people.

Rev.

March 28, 2007
6:57 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well-said TBT!!!!Ditto!

March 29, 2007
9:13 am
Avatar
Helena_Handbasket
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Rev,
Thanks for the welcome.

Do I believe it? That I'm the whole package?

Honest answer? SOMETIMES

Why is that all I can say? I dunno. I think it's because of the rejection from my ex and the devestation that did to me.

Come to think of it...as I type this, another thought just occurred to me. It's like because I've always felt that I'll never be 'good enough' in my mothers eyes. It's not so much what she's said to me. She's never ever told me that, but I feel like I've had soooo many disapproving glances from her. Whenever I gained weight, I'd get them. She didn't want a fat daughter - it disgusted her...and with her pride, she'd never let that happen to herself. So yup, her daughter developed the YOYO syndrome for dieting. UP...down...UP...down. That's been my life. Marriage breakup = 318lb high weight - wearing a man's XXXL REJECTION...INVISIBLE...

Now I'm 155lbs and a M...I'm happy with myself, BUT I'm still waiting for that ole shoe to drop, and I'm afraid that my mom will notice that I've gained 10lbs!

Good grief!

March 30, 2007
8:13 pm
Avatar
truthBtold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Helena,

Screw your mom!!!!!and screw the guilt with gaining 10 pounds!

Big fucking, hairy deal!!!!!

Good Grief is right!!!!!!

So what if she "disapproves?"

Really now?

So What?

Believe me - I know what it is like to get all caught up in "waiting for the other show to drop."

So just let it drop honey.....not the end of the world.

What that REALLY IS - - - is fear.

Fear from our childhood about never being good enough and not able to "measure up" to those who once WERE, I repeat.....WERE in a posistion of authority.

But she no longer is in that position of authority unless you subscribe to it - and this is where indeed the lovely CHOICES of being an adult can come into play.

Try this: Picture your mom in some type of military uniform with "Sargent Stripes" or something....going on and on about her "disapproval"......Then envision your self actually: "STRIPPING HER OF HER MILITARY STRIPES WITH A BIG OLE VELCRO SOUND" and throw those old stripes on the ground and step on them!!!!!

You have now, in effect, "stripped her of her "authority" over you - never to present itself again!!!!!

Give her a metaphoric "Dishonorable Discharge" from your life!!!!!!

March 30, 2007
9:03 pm
Avatar
penny lane
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Helena...I am sorry for the pain you feel about yourself...my childhood was devoid of closeness and physical love and attention...we are the products of our upbringing...but ...my therapist gave me an excellent suggestion on how I should treat myself. She told me to love, nuture and respect myself as if I were my own mother...treat myself like I would have loved my mother to treat me...it helps.

March 31, 2007
8:01 pm
Avatar
revelation
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Penny, thats a good way to go!

My therapist send something very similar, she said whenever I start to put myself down I should imagine me as a child sitting beside me and try to direct the insults at the child...I find its impossible to do that, so I give myself a break.

Most of these self-esteem problems start in childhood...even from the most seemingly harmless situations. Its really important to treat ourselves with more kindness and respect, I think thats the key...we all place too much importance on what other people think and thats why we feel rejected.

Rev.

April 4, 2007
10:35 am
Avatar
penny lane
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Rev....I love the example of the child...If we could all envision spewing insults to a child..(which is us) and thinking about the results that would have on that pure, innocent, receptive child we would think twice about saying such things to ourselves....like you are too fat, too stupid, not loveable, too old, too young, not smart enough, not enough money or education...what and how would that child react?

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
19
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111121
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38715
Posts: 714567
Newest Members:
lovingLaa, zokgassi, Wilthe, Marek, ssdchemical33, jack1palmer
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information