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How do you deal with not being needed?
January 2, 2006
10:38 pm
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Lostrose
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Hi everyone, My ex has now been clean (drugs) for 6 weeks. He sounds very happy & I have a feeling of not being needed anymore & I don't know how to get over that feeling. I want a healthy relationship with him or if things don't work out with someone else. But for so long I have always been needed & now I feel I'm not. So far this really has me stumped on what to do!

January 2, 2006
10:50 pm
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angel4U
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I would cherish these moments ... relax, and take one warm hot bubble bath and say "Calgon, take me away!" ... =))

Kidding aside, Lostrose, alot of people I think get stuck in this rut ... and I think it's all about finding "your" purpose. It sounds like you felt your purpose used to be taking care of others, and now your lost. Many caretakers, moms, etc. express this lostness.

The good news is, you can find a new one anytime ... and doesn't it feel a little bit of a relief that you no longer have to feel you were placed on this earth to soley take care of someone else? The world is "wide" open now to make other choices and provide more of your loving self to a bigger audience (including yourself).

I know figuring out what you want to do can be a struggle in the beginning ... how about start out simple by writing down some things that you always wanted to do but have not had the chance to (take a class, go on vacation, join a charity group, etc.). Make sure these are YOUR goals for you ... and then start going after them. Once you get started, I bet the world will look so much brighter to you.

And congrats to your hubby on taking responsibility for himself and hanging in there.

I wish you both the best of luck!!

angel4u

January 2, 2006
11:11 pm
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Lt4Others
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Lostrose,

The feelings you describe are at the core of most codependent personalities. I know, I've been that way myself for decades. Until recently, I measured my selfworth by how much others needed me. As angel4u suggests, this puts us in a real rut. We all need to live for ourselves, not for other persons. In my case, by STBX wife is a borderline personality and manipulated me via my need to be needed. It created a toxic atmosphere in our relationship, until I established/maintained healthy boundaries. Hopefully you and others can learn from my mistakes. It sounds like you have a very good head on your shoulders. Use it to rebuild your life, just as many of us are doing. We'll help you in any way we can, but the journey is yours. Enjoy it and grow from the experience.

Best wishes.....Lt4Others

p.s. The hot bubbble bath idea has its merits too. 😉

January 2, 2006
11:21 pm
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angel4U
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Sorry Lostrose, I misread and didn't catch that this is an ex.

I was hoping that now that he is getting healthier, you could start getting healthier by focusing on your needs/desires now, and eventually could start building a healthier bond together .. where you are both taking care of yourselves and eachother, instead of you giving up all of your needs/desires to care for him.

I think this is really important to have for healthy relationships to flourish ... whether it be with your ex, or not.

January 2, 2006
11:23 pm
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Lass
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Lostrose, I would suggest going to AlAnon. It is very common to feel like that.

LL

January 2, 2006
11:24 pm
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addicts wife
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We are always needed... but be wanted.
We may not be needed as intensely or as insanely... but still needed, In healthier ways, in smaller doses, and still needed.
you stated he is your "ex" and that you are talking.. and he has shared some god things, that's great, but dont set yourself up to be with another Needy, user. you can still be in a healthy relationship w/out being used, or overused by someone who is unhealthy.
Maybe you can use this single time to identify your goals, needs, and wants and some healthy boundries??? Im all for making lists, pros and cons, what you want, expect, need.. perhaps a coda meeting or group will benefit you quite a bit.
Heck.. get some calgon.. take a long luxurious bubble bath....and then you'll be al lrecharged and sparkly clean!!!

January 3, 2006
1:34 am
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Lostrose
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Thanks to everyone's advice I appreciate it.

I will try my best to start having healthy thoughts of taking care of myself.

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