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How do you control feelings?
October 9, 2004
11:26 am
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mamacinnamon
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As I have said before, my hubby's supplier is/was his brother. He is going over there to visit again. He says he can be strong and he is clean and will remain clean. That there is no problem going over there. That it is his family and he's not gonna turn his back on them.

Every time he goes over there I get this total sadness and am actually crying on the inside. I feel anxiety. I know I don't trust him. Why should I. He's only gone over there to fall off the wagon 6 or 7 times in the past 12 years.

When he goes he says I make him feel guilty even if I don't say a word. I can't help he feels guilty. I told him I did not create this situation so I will not be blamed for it, but am I not suffering for it anyway?

I try to trust he will not smoke while he is there. Silly me; 12 years later and I still can't tell when he is high or not. I never got it.

Guess my question is HOW do I not let this rip me apart inside when he goes over there. How do I trust him? HELP???

Really need to know how to not let this affect me so negatively.

October 9, 2004
11:35 am
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Anonymous
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September 24, 2010
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Hey mama,

I don't envy your situation! You say you can't tell when he's high? How long has he been clean now? i think that plays a large role in whether or not to trust him. I'm sorry, I don't know your background, what was he smoking, pot?

October 9, 2004
12:17 pm
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mamacinnamon
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He's not smoked pot in 3 months now. Had been doing it from just before Christmas. I know he had brought it into the house. This place is so big and old you could hide anything and it not be found.

This last time, 3 months ago, he came to me and told me he had been smoking pot again. Always before I found out coz I caught him. He promised me that he wouldn't go up there without me. He promised he'd take a pee test any time I wanted. Within a week he took both promises back and if I can't trust him then it's my problem.

Guess I have a problem. A BIG problem.

I know smoking pot is not like all the other bad things that it could be. I've lived thru worse. But it's the fact that he lied to me before we married and that he's lied to me for 12 years. He told his mom that if he lied to me and I knew he was lying then it's not a lie. What a crock! He twists things around so to make them ok.

I need to learn how to just get the "I don't give a shit" attitude. HOW?

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