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How do you break the cycle?
April 10, 2007
2:15 pm
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allthewrongmen
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I know that I pick the wrong men. I can see the similarities between them. I've only had 4 serious relationships but they all ended up with me being hurt mentally and/or physically. I tried varying the age difference, one boyfriend was more than 22 years older than me and another was 4 years younger. They are not all the same type of men, but I see that I am choosing men with similar tendencies and issues. I just can't seem to figure out how to break the cycle.

I recently met a very nice man who really liked me, but I backed him off saying he was "going too fast, too strong" but in reality I didn't feel any romantic feelings for him and I just wanted him to leave me alone and I am willing to lose him as friend even. The funny part is that I was always the one who would go too fast and too strong in the first few weeks of a relationship. Now here's this nice guy, who I can talk to like a girlfriend and who really seems to want to be with me and I'm pushing him away.

The men who stimulate me romantically are the ones who are wrong for me and I end up physically or mentally abused or even both. I'm afraid I'm not able to be attracted to anyone else. I've always been able to find the answers I need in books or by reading articles, but I can't figure this one out. Nothing I've read is telling me how to break the cycle and so I won't end up being in another destructive relationship. I could go see a therapist, but I don't even know where to begin looking for one.

Does anyone have any idea how to break the cycle??

April 10, 2007
2:32 pm
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taj64
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My answer to break the cycle is to get out of the cycle. Why do you feel you have to have a relationship? You are attracted wrong ones cuz you are not working on yourself and focus on your life. Your answer to seek Mr. Right is not in a book, it is how you treat yourself.

Like attract like. That is hard rule thumb. You appear to be desperate to have a guy and that is what you are attracting desperate men who are not capable of relationship.

Take a break from dating, geting into knowing yourself and liking the way things are and then something will come along when you least expect and you might be prepared then.

Relationships take time to build and not about rushing.

I don't know how old you are but four very serious relationships are a lot and nothing to say only.

Id say talk to a counselor if it is that serious. I have had men that are really nice too and perfect for relationship yet I pushed them away. Because I knew it was not right for me. Maybe this guy is not right for you. I'd pay attention to your gut instincts.

Most of all, don't expect to fall in love with every guy that comes into play. That is unrealistic thinking.

April 10, 2007
3:10 pm
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allthewrongmen
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Hi, Thanks for writing, sorry I wasn't more specific.

I haven't been with anyone since August, so I'm really not rushing anymore. My mom was married 3 times with a few boyfriends thrown in, so to me 4 relationships is not very many. Especially considering one was in high school for 2 years, the next I was married to for 9 years, the next I was with for 6 yrs and the last I was with for only 2 months. That was the one who made me realize to take a break because I jumped in head first and fell in love so fast that I didn't see anything else. It made me realize I was continuing some weird pattern that was getting worse not better as I grow.

I'm not really looking for Mr. Right in a book, I'm looking for how to stop choosing Mr. Wrong. I agree that following my gut is the right thing to do and I definitely don't expect to fall in love with every guy I date. But I wonder if I'm now too afraid to fall in love with the wrong guy again that I can't give anyone else a chance.

April 10, 2007
3:23 pm
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atalose
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To break the cycle you have to learn what causes it in the first place. It sounds like you are attracted only to the "bad boys", they are attractive, fun, exciting and often a challenge. You need to figure out what you own pattern is when picking these men. Write it down and compare all of them, see what they all had in common.
The recent guy you didn't have any romantic feelings for, how does he compare to the other guys? What is different about him that doesn't attract you?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 10, 2007
5:08 pm
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sunbikesail
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One of the things that was hard for me was understanding that even though each of the men I had a serious relationship with seemed very different on the surface, they each had an underlying issue that manifested itself in a way that my subconcious was very attracted to. When I first discovered that I was codependent, I was confused because although I have had the "same" relationship with 3 different men - one man didn't drink at all, one was an alchoholic and one drank more than moderately but is probably not an alchoholic. The common link I believe I see in all 3 is they are all Narcissistic in some degree.

I would recommend that you follow the advice given by taj64. I have learned a lot about myself reading "Codependent No More" and other self-discovery books. Once you learn your own self, you begin to understand how other people impact you and your own self image. That is when you will stop choosing the wrong men - or so I hope since that is what I am trying to do!

April 11, 2007
11:21 am
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allthewrongmen
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Last night I saw the one who devastated my world in the 2 months we were together. The one who opened my eyes once and for all. He was walking down the street and I was so tempted to stop and offer him a ride. He always seems to need help. But although I slowed down, I kept going and didn't look back, I went home and was a wreck. I couldn't eat and couldn't sleep. I miss him so much!! I haven't seen or talked to him in weeks. It's odd that just seeing him can affect me like that. Today I'm better, just kind of confused that I reacted the way I did. I really thought I was over him and that I was doing good on my own. Maybe I'm not over him.

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