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how do you become prey? and get over an addiction to a person?
March 9, 2007
10:33 pm
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tmv1109
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Hello all,
OK, here's a question I am hoping someone can answer. How do you become prey to a charmer/abuser, and how do you recognize the early warning signs? How do you get out before you fall in love with these weirdos? Also, I have heard people can become "addicted" to another person. If that is true, what is the difference between "love" and "addiction"? Aren't they the same thing? I just recently lost someone I have been in love with for the past 10 years. Although I am looking back, I realize he was not nice, or honest, or even caring most of the time. I am determined NEVER to make the same mistake I had before, and that was to stick with someone who doesn't love me. I want to learn to love myself more and learn that loving yourself, is not being selfish. Here's another question....When do you know you are being too selfish?

TMV

March 9, 2007
11:32 pm
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careless1
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I think the addiction starts when you forget about whats best for you and they don't seem to care as long as their needs are met. I myself have done this many times and as I look back I have many regrets and fear doing the same in the future. I too hope to figure it out. I think I need to do a lot of work on my self-esteem right now before I try anything again.

March 9, 2007
11:38 pm
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tmv1109
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That's what I am working on too, but it's scarry to think of when I get into another relationship in the furture. I have that fear of living my life alone, and I am really putting all my effort into "me", which I always thought was selfish, that's what I was taught. I guess I have let others sort of make my decisions for me as well, and I guess when someone was interested in me in the past, I thought I better take him because there might not be another one. Don't get me wrong, I like all of them, until they broke up with me or I was swayed by my ex not to be with them, only him. It's really hard, really have to change your whole makeup I guess.....It's scarry, especially when you don't know the signs and can't always trust your decisions, which I am working on as well.....I have to remind myself several times a day that this is MY life, and settling ain't happen' anymore!!!!! I'm tired of it! And you should be too! 🙂

tmv

March 10, 2007
8:08 am
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taj64
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There are good books out there on love addictions. They helped me a lot because you sound like me. I read some, they can be harsh to read but in the end it will help you for the future. You cannot change these past relationships. But you can make it better for you and have a better understanding of yourself.

"Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love" by Pia Mellody

"Addiction To Love: Overcoming Obsession And Dependency in Relationships" by Susan Peabody

"Is It Love or Is It Addiction?
by Brenda Schaeffer

And highly recommended by me "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson" because I became love addicted person because of my abandonment issues. Both my parents were alcoholics, plus my sister and my ex husband. It is rough for me to have lived this way and fall for guys that were never available. And this booked helped me a lot in dealing with loss of love.

Good luck.

March 10, 2007
10:46 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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taj64, This book "the Journey from Abandonment to healing " by Susan Anderson sounds like just the book I need to read....I am going to find it...Thanks for these tips . I appreciate it., horsefly

March 10, 2007
11:23 am
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careless1
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tmv1109

It sounds like you and I have allowed the same things go on in our lives. Not that its a good thing but it's kind of a comfort to know i'm not alone. I think we can fight through this.

March 10, 2007
12:44 pm
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thedogsmom
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good questions- unfortunately- I'm here looking for the answers to help myself rather than having great advice to give you.

I don't know when love turns into addiction. I think careless may be right that when you're loving them- brings pain and you forget what's best for you-- and they too don't meet your needs-- then you are addicted- cause you stop taking care of yourself. Somebody has to look after your needs - I guess that somebody should be US.
Lets keep practicing- rehearsing and practicing making better decisions and sticking to them to see that our needs are met.
TDM

March 10, 2007
1:23 pm
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gracenotes
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The book: Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody was very healing to me and helped me get out of my addiction.

Here are some differences between love addiction and healty love. This is from Brenda Schaeffer's book entitled: Is It Love or Is It Addiction?

Addictive Love:

feels all consuming
cannot define ego boundaries
fears letting go
fears risk, change, and the unknown
lacks true intimacy
plays psychological games
gives to get something back
attempts to change the partner
needs partner to feel complete
seeks solutions outside elf
demands and excepts unconditional love
fears abandonment upon routine separation
desires, yet fears closelenn
attempts to "take care" of partner's feelings

Healthy Love:

allows for individuality
experiences and enjoys both oneness with and separations from partner
brings out best qualities in both partners
accepts endings
experiences openness to change and exploration
experiences true intimacy
feels freem to to ask honestly for what is wanted
does not attempt to change or control partner
encourages self-sufficiency of partner
accepts limitations of self and partner
does not insist on unconditional love
has high self-esteem and sense of well-being
expresses feelings spontaneously
welcomes closeness, risks vulnerability
cares, but can remain detached.
affirms equality and personal power of self and partner

If you can identify with this, I suggest getting Pia Mellody's book, maybe the above book too. It will answer many questions.

Also if you want to learn more about how to recognize a narcissist, what many of these guys are, and sometimes women, try Dr. Sam Vaknin's site:

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq58.html

This, too will answer many questions. I printed The Narcissist one out.

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