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How do we know if letting go is really the right thing to do ??
March 9, 2005
5:03 pm
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TrueIntuition
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I'm trying to unleash the bindings that this woman has put on me weeks ago.
After being able to not engage in any conversation with her last night was somewhat uplifting but,
I still have that deep down feeling that I want us to somehow find peace together and maybe have a healthy relationship.
Every instinct tells me to walk away but, maybe if I could just get her to see it my way things could be different...

March 9, 2005
7:10 pm
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TrueIntuition
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Again,
I just can't seem to shake her off. I know she is not interested in me. Even though we had a great date a couple of weeks ago but then I called her and she never returned my call. I want to call her and talk but, I know that would just be admiting defeat and inflating her ego...
What do I do ??
How do I let it go ?????

March 9, 2005
7:47 pm
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Mordrin
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Call her again as you have nothing to lose. Forget the defeat and ego rationalizations and give it a shot. Do your best to make it click with her and if it dosen't work you will know not to hang on and move on.
Keep in mind that it take two to tango and unless she is as interested as you are, it may seem a onesided affair with you being on the short end.
Be up front with her and don't pussy foot around. Tell her what your expectations are. Good luck.

March 9, 2005
8:01 pm
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TrueIntuition
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Thank you for the advice...
I have to follow my gut, She is not interested. If she is then time will tell.
I've never acted like this before, well maybe once years ago and you know what ??
I was obsessed with this woman and I always called her and tried to be around her and she was just sucking the life out of me but, one day I copped a big old attitude, I just had enough and I didn't talk to her, I didn't return her phone call or anything. The tables turned. She wouldn't leave me alone...
It's just so wierd because just a few months ago this woman and I shared the bed together for a couple of weeks. Thats' prety much how the whole thing started. Then, we didn't speak for monhts then, a couple of weeks ago we run into eachother and made a date. It was fun, a bit akward, but, fun. So I called her a few days after that to invite her out with some friends and I and this the crazy part. I never her back. Not even a no thank you phone call. What the hell is that all about ?? Then I run into her at the gym yesterday and I just didn't even want to look at her. Well, then on my way out of the gym she's behind me and says " Wow, that was a quick workout " I just said I have somewhere to be and walked a way... It felt good...
But today when I saw her all I wanted to do is run into her arms. I didn't I just looked at her and we both smiled and she was done with her work out and then she just left...
I need to be mean again I think.
I rambling on here at my computer,
I should be listening to Jack Johnson,
He's an awsome guitar player....

March 10, 2005
2:29 am
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Hey True

I feel for you in this situation. I have gone through similar situations. I can relate to the obsessing over someone-and being completely in the dark as to how the other person is feeling. I think when you get mixed messages, you can be sure the other person is 'game playing'. We've all done it. Question is why?

In my experience, as a woman, the initial chase stage is a way of seeing just how much the guy wants me. It's a difficult line to tread- you want to let her know you're interested, but you don't want to chase her away!! If she is interested in you in the same way, then she will probably 'play the game'. But you sound convinced that she's not, so perhaps you're gut instinct is right..
However, that shouldn't stop you from telling her how you feel in a non-pressure kind of way.

Not much help, sorry, but I wish you luck with a happy outcome.

~charlie~

March 10, 2005
7:38 am
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TrueIntuition
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Thank you for the reply...
We are both playing games, with eachother and when we first met it was not like that. We went for eachother the first night. Perhaps I was a bit stunned by this and having just moved back from being in Japan for 2 years perhaps I was a bit needy in wanting a relationship.
So, with that said, I feel like any amount of attention I give her is too much. She plays the game so well.
I feel the last thing I should do is call her, no matter how much I want to talk to her. This brings me right back to my original question, When do we know when it's time to let go ??
I want her out of my life as much as I want her in it !!
Am I clinicly insane ???

March 10, 2005
10:13 am
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ron9871
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i feel ur pain i was friends with a charmer/ alcoholic /addict. we didnt speak for a couple of weeks when we did she told me how she enjoyed screening my calls and hearing tne pain in my voice HOW SICK IS THAT

March 10, 2005
10:21 am
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TrueIntuition
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How can I find that charmer/?? thread ??
I heard someone else mention it and I'd like to read it.

March 10, 2005
12:19 pm
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ron9871
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just do a one word search charmer

March 10, 2005
12:33 pm
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kathygy
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Don't play games. Just be honest and direct about what you want. If she doesn't want the samething then walk away and let go.

March 10, 2005
1:30 pm
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TrueIntuition
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I want to walk away and the other day when I had that attitude if felt good. I just want to walk away with her. I just have this feeling that she could be a good person but, I'm afraid that feeling is just my clouded thoughts of what I want her to be.
I mean, why would any woman sleep with a man and then just all of sudden stop returning any calls ??
I should take that as a note as to who she really is.
This is it. Am I wrong for not engaging in any conversation with her ?? Am I making a mistake by being very short with anything I might say to her ??
I just wish she would tell me what is really on her mind. I would rather know the bad truth then to know nothing at all !!

March 10, 2005
3:03 pm
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True!!

Women are no different to men. It's just as likely that she is thinking similar things to you. Why doesn't he want to talk to me? What does he think of me? What does he want from me?

YOU HAVE TO TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL!!!!!

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT

`charlie~

March 10, 2005
3:11 pm
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TrueIntuition
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I know Charlie, your are right and I want to call her but, as I mentioned before, the last time I called her I got absolutely no response. I think she has played this game too many times.
There is nothing more I want then to just sit down with her over a drink and have a real full on talk. Im not trying to get anything out of her for my benifite but, what if she really is hurting inside ?? I know we'll have this talk, but not now. It just feels like everything I say or do is just too much, like that whole giving too much too soon thing.
This is way too complicated. What happened to simple inocent love ???
Has this society become so aggresive that everything we do is a competition to defeat one another ??

March 10, 2005
3:36 pm
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To a certain extent, I think we are conditioned into believing it should all be so easy-when it never is!!! And that's why so many of us end up disillusuioned.

If she is giving no response now, then three things could be happening/happen:-

1. She is not interested in persuing a relationship with you.

2.She is playing it slow, and safe, because she's trying to protect herself

3.She will play hard to get, until you move on, and then...she'll regret it.

I know

Good luck with this!!

Uncertainty is stasis

~charlie~

March 10, 2005
3:43 pm
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TrueIntuition
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Thanks again Charlie,
Unfortunetly I agree with 1 and 3. I have done nothing that would cause her to need protection from me. At worst I'm just the nice guy, not playing hard to get.
So with that said, I want to just let it go but, it sure is tough.

March 13, 2005
3:46 am
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ron9871
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true it is tough not getting to have a open honest talk is this gal a alcoholic

March 13, 2005
4:33 am
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godsgirl
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Re: letting do. If you let go you will start to do better, and you will see everything more clear. If you are suppose to be together then in time things will change, but when you let go you tell yourself that you are going to be happy with or without her. When one door close another opens...the saying says that we often look so long and regretfully and the closed door that we fail to see the one that has opened for us. I hope you are doing better. Don't call her anymore, you don't want to make her love you. Let her go and in time you will see.

March 13, 2005
7:35 pm
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magik
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boy to let go,....it sounds so easy,....but its not. I tried to let go many a time when I was seeing a women who meant the world to me. I gave her everything. A job, a new car, money, and more importantly my heart and soul.

She took it all, and with no regrets, she walked away. Up and gone. When i did try to contact her and ask why, what happened, etc,....she called the police and said that I was harrasing her.

This is a woman who I for the past year, took care of. She was working as a escort and I took her off the streets and gave her,....her life back. I never judged her, I let her be, and gave her all the room she needed to heal and grow.

But none of that mattered. In the end, all she wanted was to go back to her husband. The same guy that had let her escort herself.

I was a total gentleman with her, yet she walked away. God does it hurt!

Letting go is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have no closure, and all I want is for her to be happy,....but will she ever be happy with a man who sits a home waiting for her to bring home the pay check?

I wish you peace and I hope you find a way to letting go whereby that pain is less than what I am experiencing.

March 14, 2005
5:37 am
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ron9871
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true how are things going our plight sounds simular i miss the company this gal gave even though it was a one sided friendship she was a alcoholic they can be really cold hearted esp if they have reached the point that the addict personality has taken over hope things get better

March 14, 2005
7:24 am
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TrueIntuition
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Thank you again for your thoughts and experiences.
Do you believe in Karma. Is there really an equall balance in life?? What we give is what we get ??
The girl I'm refering to was short lived. She was not a bad person, perhaps a bit spoiled. I treated her fast and loose. Maybe like the Charmer/abuser. I still wonder to this day what would have happend if I didn't sleep with her the first night, and maybe gave it a bit more time. Even last night I had a dream and she was in it. It was my own brother who told me in the dream that he already slept with her a few times. ( only in the dream )Ouch that stung a bit. Then later in the dream I saw her at some kind of a boat port many people were getting ready to go on ski trip and then she was getting some water I said hi and then said hey don't forget your water and she was like yeah I know, I'll get, and she had some attitude about it. Then I just looked at her and said "Do you want me to just leave you alone ?" She never answerd that question.
The truth is, I can do just fine without her, I always have. I didn't loose anything by not being with her, It's just not knowing that is hard to handle. We must always tell people the truth and not lie to them. The whole thing has taught me to be a little more honest with myself especially towards others.

March 14, 2005
9:23 am
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ironman
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ONLY you have the power to make yourself happy. Be happy with yourself and the rest will fall into place. Focus on you, not her, not anyone else, just you. Sound selfish? Not at all, any books, therapists, ect. will advise the same. Good Luck!!

March 14, 2005
12:42 pm
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Carlies
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Hi
I just found this website today and I am thrilled to read the honest sharing. I have started going to CoDa meetings, as I have had it with my crappy relationships. I was married to an alcoholic who died 4 years ago,then 2 years ago I met a guy who had just come out of his marriage the reason was he didn't love her anymore, we had a fantastic sex life and we fell madly in love (or so I thought)he recently walked away from me saying he needed to sort his life out and get out of the mess he is in mostly financialy, I realised I am addicted to this guy and cant let him go, I find myself texting him even when I promise myself I wont.I had none of my needs met and I was totally there for him, now everytime I try to get close to him he pulls away from me. We never went anywhere special in all the time I was with him,I spent more money on him than he did on me, I know he hasn't fully walked away as he keeps me hanging on. HELP!!

March 14, 2005
1:32 pm
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TrueIntuition
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Obviously the more time we put into someone the longer it takes to get out. Unfortunetly in our society we want things on demand. We want quick results to problems. If I'm doing a design or fixing a car I expect quick results but, with people we cannot rush thier thought process. We are ment to be paired with other people and sometimes we expect that pairing to happen so quickly. It's amazing how many times I've been hung on a girl and it has kept me from meeting others but, time and time again the moment I cut her off someone new is waiting. I can't explain it. I don't want to try and explain it. What is my point ?? Let go. I admire a woman who wants to take care of her man but, a MAN will always be there to take care of the woman. That is ballance !
Remember, it's not an easy thing to do, anyone will tell you that and I'm sure you know that from experince.
I lived in Japan for a couple of years and one of the many things I learned while being there and the hardest thing to learn was patients. Because I'm American, I expect things now. Everything will always work itself out. Do you think 2 weeks is a long time ?? How about 2 months or, How about 2 years ?? I'm saying this because the people in Japan have been living there for over 2,000 years. Everything works itself out, just not overnight.

March 21, 2005
10:36 am
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UsuallyStrong
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I just read this post from last week, and I really like what you wrote TrueIntuition.

I'm hoping this gets me through today, tomorrow, the week, and the month. I will think and wait. I will work on my patience.

March 21, 2005
11:40 am
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RE: "I admire a woman who wants to take care of her man but, a MAN will always be there to take care of the woman. That is ballance !"

RE: "Everything works itself out, just not overnight."

Love these two statements, TI, and so much agree. Like to add to the 2nd one that "it may not always work out the way we want or had hoped ... because it isn't always about us".

Carlies - it sounds like you put so much into this trying to make it work (more money, giving up your needs, etc.), and allowed him to be selfish by not expecting anything back (btw - I am not saying he was malicious here, as he may not have been able to emotionally or financially give you back what you wanted). When you are such a giving person and love someone, I know it's hard not to do these things sometimes. But I've learned that if we give up our own needs for someone else all the time and don't set any boundaries, the relationship doesn't grow in a healthy way and we end up with resentments (which are really our own fault as we made the choice to do these things, noone forced us). Sometimes I wonder if that's why we "fill in the gaps" for them, rather than allowing people to be themselves, accepting them for where they are at, and seeing if it builds into something more over time.

Only my assumption based on the limited info. here, so take it for what it's worth - It sounds to me like either this guy jumped in over his head (since he was recently divorced when you met) and may not be ready for something more serious with you just yet (e.g. forever relationship with you ... btw - many guys think they have to be "financially" ok before taking the leap into marriage), or he feels your resentments about the imbalance and is not ready or can't put it into balance right now.

Try to give it a little time and space and see where it goes from here. I do feel like we all need to put in our fair share for things to feel right, so stop picking up his half and give him a chance to start doing so. In the meantime, I will pray that he finds it him to talk to you about all of this, so at least you have some answers. I believe communication is so important in any relationship, without it, a relationship can not survive.

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