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How do they switch off
September 8, 2005
9:26 am
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littlesteps
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Hi Everyone,
A question I have always pondered and read alot of here, I always thought it was just my husband who was this way, but no seems to me there are alot of women and in some cases men with this same problem. Why or how do ppl who claim to lve someone have the ability to switch there emotions on and off like a switch????? How can someone who claims to love someone, and say all the time how they think your so speacial blar blar, and then when the slightest thing goes wrong for them, you confront them on an issue of any kind, they become a monster, emotionally cruel, are able to simply switch off all emotions and treat you like a complete and utter stranger????I can get really upset at certian things, but if I am wrong I can admitte my faults and try hard to not do the same in the future....why is it with others that they simply can not do this????Is it because they really dont care enough????I mean if I didnt really care about someone very much, I could see myself being able to switch off my feelings and go oh well who cares. I think it high time I took off my rose colored glasses and looked at things for what they are. I have read it over and over here. Is it because of our co/da issues etc that our partners take us for a grain of salt because they know at the end of the day that we might go off our faces, but when it comes down to it, we will simply be there door mats. Did I create this monster I call my husband????? I feel sick to my stomach realizing at 35 that I have put up with being treated like some piece of shit on the bottom of someones shoes. Is it because it's all a lie????a big joke to them, are we simply a joke, do our feelings mean nothing to these ppl?????how in the hell can you share a life time with someone, give them everything, children, all the love and affection in the world, support them, comfort them, give them your soul, and then when it doesnt suit them to treat you nice, they simply dis regard you as a person. I am about sick to death of being manipulated into thinking it's my fault all the time, I know I am a good women with an extremely good heart, doesnt my hubby see that also????
Why is it that some women and men can be such bitches, yet they get treated like kings and queens???????do we have to become hard ass's in order to be treated with respect, to be offered thoughtfulness and kindness?????I dont know anymore, and I suppose I shouldnt even care, but I do, I want to know how they can simply turn off there emotions, and how they think its ok to treat someone they love like shit when it suits.....

September 8, 2005
10:40 am
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Anonymous
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cuz they don't know any better.

I am determined to believe their brains are "wired" differently than women's too.

men are taught to "tough it out", to "be tough", to not feel, to cry is to be a baby or sissy...it's hard to get past that training.

but in the end, I think their emotional centers are wired differently...I think they DO feel - but their coping mechanisms are different - we want to FIX IT, they want it to GO AWAY.

I don't think we can do anything to change that - if they want to be more sensitive, emotional and open, they have to explore this on their own. THERE ARE GUYS out there that are "connected" like we are - the male posters here are proof - but we seem to have the radar that picks the ones that aren't, time and time again - so all we see are the "tough" "mean" "unemotional" ones, and that becomes a norm for us - there are guys out there that hurt, show it and embrace it - we just have to find them.

I think that if we become doormats, we are asking to be walked on - if we don't allow people to walk all over us, and have firm boundaries and expectations and find friends and partners who respect them - if we DEMAND RESPECT for ourselves, we will get that - but sometimes we see people who demand anything for themselves as bitches or selfish or whatever - but that's where we have to relearn what is normal - letting people have control over us is NOT normal - being firm about what we want and need adn not allowing anyone to violate that is something we have to learn and show the world - even if it means the label of hard ass.

September 8, 2005
12:15 pm
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taj64
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Your husband is a nacissist. He loves himself but hates himself at the same time. He is non emotional, he has severe low self esteem, and is lashing out of you because you now have seen the light and he doesn't like it. He likes to have control of you and he is losing it. He knows this. He is not fighting for you, he is fighting to save himself. He is scared shitless because you are getting stronger and he is getting weaker. He cannot stand this. He blames you for his weakness. I am sorry if I am hard but he is LOSER and you are coming out a WINNER. Thank God you are venting out. It means you are making a lot of progress. Keep it up!

September 8, 2005
1:01 pm
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littlesteps
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Wow you guys are simply awesome, thanks so much for sharing such awesome insight, you are both so right, wow it's nice to know Im on the right track with this whole healing process 🙂
You know I dont know if you guys read my other post about my b/d thing, well I am sitting back mouth fallen open with hmmm shock, no not shock, more like renewed eyes if ya like, seeing how insecure and dellusional my hubby really is. All I conveyed to him was how I was saddened that he hadnt made the effort I would of liked to have seen him make for my b/d etc, and now he has me having an affair, I mean can you seriuosly beleive that crap....he went threw my wallent this morning while I was sleeping and left 2 prepaid phone cards out, that by the way have been in there for yrs ( I need to clean my purse out lol dont we all) and I know this will be his ammo he will use to justify his behaviour......it's really sad isnt it, how much he must really hate himself....showing me how little he thinks of me also, but I suppose threw the years I have shown him, lead him to beleive I had no back bone.....well look out cause here she comes, I FEEL GREAT, I feel like I am getting my own sense of self again, I am getting my own control/power back, wow it's like a major high, I forgot I had it lol.....I know I am in for a really rocky road now, he will do and go to what ever lengths he has to now in order to get the control back, kind of freaks me out a wee bit, he wont come home from the bars every night, I know this, he will treat me like shit, he will threaten me with all kinds of threats, he knows my weakness's and I know he will tell me he is leaving or I have to leave or whatever, and I am not quit sure how to handle it......should I just say nothing,and let him ramble on???? help me out guys this is new for me, and I am feeling a wee bit spooked at how I am supposed to react, isnt that funny, I dont even know how to be me, I dont know how to react. I dont want to do the same things....give me some advice guys, I love the feed back it helps me sooooooo much......thanks

September 8, 2005
3:37 pm
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taj64
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Feeling great is so much better than feeling defeated isn't it? You realized hey is it my birthday, I am special, I was born, I have friends, I have people that support me, I am loved. I will not be used, abused or treated anything less than I am.

But be careful not to rock the boat too much right now. If he is abusive to you, he could get very mean and I would not want to see you get hurt. It might be too much to see too big of a change. You have to look out for your own welfare and happiness. Your children will respect you in the long run for this if you are happy, then they will live happily.

September 8, 2005
3:44 pm
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Anonymous
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lost and confused wrote a great post about her situation, and how she failed to respond when he pursued her - or kept her responses simple and direct - and wouldn't react - she said at first it was horrible, the pouting and temper tantrums, but now he realizes he gets nowhere and the power struggles have stopped.

I will try to find that post, because it was great...seems so simple an answer, yet so hard to execute...off to look, back in a minute.

September 8, 2005
3:48 pm
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Anonymous
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actually no he isn't.he asks me what i am doing and what i want out of like alot- i tell him just to be happy. i think he surrendered...he used to pout- i got on the phone. he used to hollor- i refused to participate. he tried belittleing me- my anser was just because you say it doesn't make it true and it makes you look stupid. he quit. he stayed out all night- i didn't notice. he quit that. i just don't react to him anymore. if we have plans and he backs out at the last minute, i go alone and have a good time. what ever...he calls me on my cell everytime i work the booster store and trys to talk me into leaving and doing something with or for him. don't work. kinda funny to me. he asks me what my plans for the week are, i say same as yours i suppose. (dilberatley vaque) he tried getting rides to the games and then riding home with me. i put a stop to that. i like to stay afterwords and talk to the other people volunteering. sometimes he talks about his drinking problem, i hand him an aa card and walk off. he talked about being drpressed,i gave him the number to mental health and left. i work for him. he threatend to fire me. told him to get a good lawyer. that ended that. i mean what else can he do????

this was posted on nash's nite - wednesday or something like that - you can scroll down and read the whole convo about it - but seems like she has a grip on how to "not react" - but be careful - you don't want to get into a physical confrontation over this - not healthy for you or the kids.

September 8, 2005
3:58 pm
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geminismiles
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I know what it it like to feel like you are on the bottom of the shoe. We hurt and we "dwell" on it and want to make it better. They hurt, shove it Waaaay down inside to a place we will never be aloud to go and then they release on us and pretend (again) like life is A ok. I often wonder, don't they hurt too? Dosen't hurting us hurt them - at all, eventually? Don't they EVER feel remorseful for the way they've treated us? Isn't there something in their mis-wired brains that says to them "I shouldn't be doing this!"

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