Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
How do I prove I am not codependent anymore?
August 13, 2007
4:17 pm
Avatar
cnfsdnluv
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I think my live-in boyfriend broke up with me because I was codependent. I can see the error of my ways now, but he doesn't want anything to do with me. We aren't speaking at all and it's killing me. I just want to make all of this right. How do I show him I have changeD? that I am the woman that he fell in love with? That we are GREAT for each other NOW???!!!

August 13, 2007
4:39 pm
Avatar
fantas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

cnf...No recovered codependent would ask that questions :).What other people think about you is absolutely none of our business. In my opinion, you should respect him for drawing a boundary with you and then see if he would be willing to reconsider the relationship in several months after you have done some work. How long have you been together and separated? You say that you see the error of your ways but do you understand how to not do what you did again? Do you have a good grasp of why you acted the way you acted before?

Perhaps you can share some of the specifics that made him give up on the relationship and we can try to offer the benefit of our experiences. Good for you for bringing your issue to these boards:)

Keep posting

August 13, 2007
7:09 pm
Avatar
cnfsdnluv
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

well, basically, we moved in together after a year of dating. When we first dated we lived about 3 hours apart, so it was a distance relationship. He got a job in another state, and I decided to make the move with him. So, we moved to a new state, both had new jobs, were seeing each other 24/7 - all a lot of pressures on a relationship. To say the least, I sorta made him my life. The first month I was interviewing, so I really did only have him. Once I started work, I still was too focused on him, and being at home with him. Doesn't help that I don't like my job 🙂 Anyway, I wanted to do everything with him and I didn't give him the space he needed. He had a couple of work trips and I would get upset when he wouldn't call me at night when he was gone. I just didn't like being alone and I always liked to say "goodnight" to him. Unfortunately, my reaction would be to call him 20x in a row 🙁 I know it was dumb, but I couldn't control it. Then he started pulling away and it freaked me out so I got caught trying to snoop. It was all so bad 🙁 I KNOW I wouldn't call him like that again adn I KNOW I would appreciate him more and give him the space he needs. We've been broken up for about 2 months now, after having dated for almost 2 years. I guess part of me still does think that I'm codependent on him cause I'm still SO upset at all of this. But, I also think I'm so upset cause I know I drove him away - and he was So wonderful!!! HELP! 🙁

August 13, 2007
7:39 pm
Avatar
fantas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

cfn... I am so sorry for your loss. You are right, you did wear him out with your neediness. I am learning that healthy people do exactly what he did. They realize that we are too needy and they can't assure us enough for us to feel comfortable so they have to choose to be healthy. Your ex. has afforded you a chance to do the work you need to so that you never have this happen. Would you ex reconsider if you went to therapy and started to do better. Have you guys talked about it. You did move to be with him so perhaps he can give the relationship another chance. Have you always been codependent with him for the 2 years you were together? did you talk about this before the relationship ended?

August 13, 2007
10:08 pm
Avatar
pookum
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i am trying to do same i think the first thing we need to do is forgive outselves and then we can start on the road to healing outselves and believe in , love, and remember we are important.

August 14, 2007
8:28 am
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

what did you find while you were snooping?

What steps did you take to change? How long has it been since you broke up?

Some of the things you described weren't all unusual - when you move to a new place - and have no friends there, it's not unusual to focus on what's familiar and comforting - your partner. When he was traveling - it was not unreasonable to want to hear his voice before going to bed.

What WAS codep. as you know, was the calling repeatedly, and probably the demands for his time when he clearly had other things to get done.

But it sounds like there is more to this story - was he cheating?

I think the cliche "once bitten twice shy" applies here - and that's why he is reluctant to "go back"....and sometimes, the saying "exes are exes for a reason" may apply. Old habits die hard and maybe he simply doesn't want to take a chance?

August 14, 2007
9:39 am
Avatar
Matteo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Calling someone 20 times a day, snooping into their personal stuff equals to no trust. If there is no trust, there is no relationship. It really is beside the point if he was cheating or not: If my partner would call me all the time and went through my personal things I would pull away, and perhaps look for someone else. (If he was cheating before the snoopoing and 20 times a day phone calls, then this relationship is not worth rescuing anyway.)

Would I give that person another chance? No. I don't want to be controlled, supervised and monitored. I want to be trusted, and I wouldn't have a faith to believe again that I will be trusted after something like this happened; my trust would be broken. I wouldn't want to fell like I am suffocating again.

I'm sorry, cnfsdnluv for your loss, but I wouldn't be optimistic about him coming back to you.

August 14, 2007
9:55 am
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

my reason for asking if he was cheating was more to determine if the relationship was worth it or not.

if, like matteo said, he was cheating before the behaviours started, then it's not worth rescuing.

I was just trying to clarify that.

Matteo is also right - without trust, you have nothing - do you really think you could just trust him again, after going so long without it? Stopping the obsessive calls and snooping is hard - I know - cuz I was in your shoes.

I found better luck with starting fresh with a new partner - one that I didn't have such a rocky start with.

August 14, 2007
10:51 am
Avatar
cnfsdnluv
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well, I don't think my trust issues stemmed from him. He wasn't cheating - I never found anything while snooping. But, he was pretty closed off emotionally. I wanted him to open up more to me, but he didn't. For instance, he would head out for a night out with the guys and I'd just want to know where they were headed, but he wouldn't tell me. I honestly think he prob. didn't know (cause he isn't very detail oriented), but at the same time, he could've easily found out. Anyway, I didn't like that - it made me confused and it made me feel like he WAS hiding something (even tho he wasn't). My trust issues stem from my dad having cheated on my mom. I've been going to therapy and it's been getting better. He even said that he saw how I was improving. But he still ran 🙁

August 14, 2007
11:30 am
Avatar
euqcaj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Wow! Did I learn alot from these posts! I am one of those needy persons that can't be told I'm loved enough! Thank you Fantas. What other people think of us is none of our business,....how do you deal with that? I hope, cnfs, you find yourself in all this. I was with a man for 12 years that was emotionally closed up, it only caused me grief and emotional insecurity,....and mine maybe didn't cheat, which I'm still not sure of,...but he "went through the actions" with other women, and he always talked nicer and longer with other women, made comments about other women in front of me, etc. Your man doesn't sound like the kind that can give you what you need, plus that kind of a relationship doesn't sound healthy for you to work on your issues of codependency. Best wishes to you and I'm so glad we have each other on these posts. It's a strength to me and I hope to you too!

August 14, 2007
11:33 am
Avatar
Rilin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You snooping was a sign of disrespect,men know that we love them,
but do we respect them? Giving him some space right now would be a big sign of respect. that is my opinion

August 14, 2007
11:47 am
Avatar
fantas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Euqaj, you are welcome. I am just beginning to not let people perceptions of me (good or bad) affect me too much. For most people I do well but there are those few special people whose opinions just floor me. When I put it in the context of my cedependency then I realize that it's my neediness that is causing me to care and be hurt so much by what the other person thinks. I mean they have a right to their opinion such as it may be. Then I get real with myself and I realize that there are some people who I don't care for and I am allowed that...right? All this thinking could take anywhere from a day to several weeks. The important thing is I am aware and attempting to do something about it. I have also learned that most of what hurts about about other people's criticisms is the bits of truths in them. At least in my case this is true. When I am not interested in facing the truth, then I get very upset.

Many times I get a great deal of clarity reading, responding and posting on this site...it has been really helpful.

August 14, 2007
11:57 am
Avatar
cnfsdnluv
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I KNOW my actions were bad, were signs of disrespect and no trust. Those are my issues that I am dealing with. I just wish there was a way for me to prove to him now that I DO respect and trust him, but I don't know how to. I didn't appreciate him enough when I had him, I know this. But, maybe he can't give me what I need. I guess whatever's meant to be will be.

August 14, 2007
12:04 pm
Avatar
fantas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

cnf,
Okay, I got you now. Well, like Rilin said, giving him his space might be the best thing you can do now. If you frequent the same places, go there with your own friends and agenda. Be courteous and respectful to him but don't crowd his space or expect that he act in anyway towards you. Say hello, wish him well and then leave. After enough time has passed, you can e-mail him and let him know that you know you did wrong, you ask for his forgiveness, you thank him for everything he brought into your life and them wish him well in his.

If he intends to come back to you. He will take it from there. If he doesn't he will just keep on moving on and you will have to do the same.

All the best...keep us posted

August 14, 2007
12:28 pm
Avatar
lrrn567
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

As I was reading the posts; I related to one of them. I was in a 'relationship' with someone and had to finally move out a couple of months ago. I really found that he was always talking about himself, other women, commenting on beautiful other women were, etc. It is always about himself and his things at work and never asking how I was doing or what was going on in my day. I addressed him about it but, never once did he respond.
I did everything for him, even bought him vehicles from my inheritence, bought all the food and made sure he had a hot meal after coming home from work (I also work).
His daughter took him on a cruise without my advance knowledge and that broke my heart. And, it angered me.
After showing my anger when I wasn't invited out to lunch (which I didn't know he was going out), he slammed his fist down on the counter and said "it's happening again". I still don't know what that meant even when I asked him right away about that comment. He fell silent and didn't speak to me for over two months.
Now, he has a 'girlfriend' who is helping him decorate his house and eve though she's a married woman he claims that she's just a friend.
He acts like we never were anything together.
Maybe someone out there can shed some much needed light on what my problem is.

August 14, 2007
2:13 pm
Avatar
Rilin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The one thing that I have had to learn is that no matter how s^%$#y I get treated, is that I CANNOT CONTROL what someone does or what they say, I will be held ACCOUNTABLE for my responses and actions no matter how justifiable they may be. We get wrapped in ourselves sometimes.As for lrrn567 You were done very dirty, and I would encourage you to just sit back and chill for a while. The fun part about recovering from codep is we can have fun, that is the unique part of our recovery, All work and no play makes lrrn567 a dull girl!! go out and have FUN! on another note is he gay?

August 14, 2007
5:03 pm
Avatar
lemoni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

cnf.. check out the thread I posted just now..

August 14, 2007
5:04 pm
Avatar
lemoni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

cnf..mesage to all...

August 14, 2007
9:59 pm
Avatar
lrrn567
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you Rilin. That's the first time anyone has said anything that made me laugh in two months since this happened.
I have no idea what the man's problem is. Sticking a knife in my heart and twisting it by acting like nothing has ever gone on between the both of us is especially hard. I didn't mention that he was divorced three times!!!!!!! I thought I could make him happy.......he's even spoken to me about this woman that has helped him redo the house.
Does God really punish people like him?

August 14, 2007
10:41 pm
Avatar
Rilin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Irrn567.... God holds everyone accountable for their actions.. THEIR actions, the important thing to do ask for forgiveness for what you did, release the shackles from your ankles, Pray and receive The lord does the rest....amen.... Rilin

August 15, 2007
12:56 am
Avatar
Matteo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

"I didn't appreciate him enough when I had him"

cnfsdnluv ~ perhaps it's just the wording, but I think it is significant: you never "had" him, you were with him. We are with others and they are with us from our free will, by choice, at least in non-abusive relationships. Maybe you didn't appreciate him exactly because you thought that you had him, that you could claim the right to his person and his entire life, and you felt hurt when he was trying to maintain some privacy.

I think that realization may possibly help you give your partner some space in a future relationship.

August 15, 2007
7:23 am
Avatar
lrrn567
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you again, Rilin, you are very insightful. I just asked God for forgiveness for what I have done in this "relationship". This is giving much hope.

August 15, 2007
10:58 am
Avatar
euqcaj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Irrn,...and now that you've asked for forgiveness, don't forget to release the shackles from your ankles, as Rilin said. I need to remember this also.

August 15, 2007
11:48 am
Avatar
lettingo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

lrrn567,
What the problem is you pick and very dysfunctional man who has some serious issues. Why are you taking the blame (asking God for forgiveness) for "his" inappropriate behavior. I would highly suggest you get involved in CoDA or something similar. He is doing what he wants which is really not wrong. It is only wrong for you by allowing it. If I were you I would ask forgiveness from myself for allowing someone into my life like him. We can't make anyone happy. It's not our job. People are happy to begin with or not. It's really that simple. I hope you can find help so you don't repeat finding the same kind of jerk.

August 15, 2007
12:01 pm
Avatar
euqcaj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

wow! Thanks lettinggo,....I guess I was being my same old self,...always taking the blame. Why is that? You are right. I can think of everyday things that happen to me and I always take the blame and feel I have to "fix" it. And I thought I was getting better.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
47
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110906
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38534
Posts: 714189
Newest Members:
odin83, sendlv, ViolentFighterBrownCaveman, kbrfDazy, traceyob69, JohnMeave
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer