Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
How do I overcome codependence?
February 27, 2000
11:00 am
Avatar
Tipsy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

A month ago I left my partner of 2.5 years and came to stay with my parents, I felt so much pressure from him, myself and my family that I crumpled. I have tried to stay positive but feel very upset about everything, I miss my partner very much but am cautious about contacting him I fear he will suck be back into the issues he and I were not really dealing with. I would like to talk to him but feel I am not mentally prepared to do so. I would just want to go back to him and not solve anything.

I think my relationship with him has been quite co-dependent. I feel like I have betrayed him and given into my mother's will. I do not know which part of me is right, my mother, my partner, I do not know what I want, I don't know what actions are my own anymore.

But now I have come back to my parents house, I think I have made the situation worse because I am surely codependent to my mother. My parents are going away soon for the year, and I will have the house to myself, with my brother and maybe my sister who is coming back too.

Because of the crisis in my life all I feel that I can do is come to my parent's home, having left my partner I felt I was better of finding a new job here and letting go of my job where my partner is. Part of me wants to start again here, new job but with family security, BUT part of me thinks I should stick to my life and job away from my family home in order that I know I am being independent. And try to work things out with my partner. I am afraid that my parent's are trapping me to do what suits them -stay in their house while they are away but a part of me feels happy about doing it.(I don't really mind leaving my current job, and I do not have any friends because I spent all my time with my partner) I miss him so much, and feel like I should try to let go of him but do not really want to . My family do not like him and I cannot see past this. If I went back to hime I would have to deal with them again too. I do have my doubts about him but it does not stop me loving him.
I feel like I have been positive.

I found a new job near my parent's home and have now handed in my notice for my current job. But I do not know if it the best thing for me to do. I feel really confused

February 27, 2000
12:12 pm
Avatar
gladly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Dear Tipsy,
It sounds like you are doing the right thing. Moving back to your folks home will give you a chance to stand back and look more objectively at your relationship with your partner. You seem to be fully aware of the dangers of giving your mother extra power over you. As your mother, she loves you and wants to best for you, but what SHE thinks is best. It is perfect that your folks are going away for a year, a good opportunity to get established with your new job, make some new friends, and recover from the emotional turmoil. Just be ready with a new home move into as soon as they get back! Because the price you pay for living in your parents house is being treated like a child.
You do not mention specific issues with your partner, so I don't know what to say about your relationship. Here is my experience, please take heart from it: I had a huge crush on a certain man I met at school. I was 26, and it was my first love that was returned by the beloved. He was devoted to self-improvement, as was I, as I had just ended a ten year depression, and lost about 25 pounds. We met on every occasion, with increasing intimacy, finally mving in together. I was not raised to shack up, and my whole family was horrified, plus they hated him, he was so rude and thoughtless. He was an older man but strangely childish. After moving in with him, he began a program of improving ME, with the reward being his love. He would love me if I did...fill in the blank. The goal was never met, I failed his standard every time. He would do things like show up at my job, deliver a scathing criticism of me, leaving me in tears of despair. If someone had a good opinion of me, he would mock me, and say there was something wrong with that person. 2.5 years(!) later, I turned the tables on him one day, asking him to change, so I could love HIM. The relationship ended that second. I moved home with my mom and got a new job.
I was miserable. I cried every day at work, tears dripped off my chin and ran down my arms! I missed him so much! I knew all the terrible things he said about me were true, and he was the only one for me. After 6 months, he made an attempt to win me back. I rebuffed him, but was interested. I knew he needed me back to help with his finances (He was cheap, we split every bill, rent, even to the penny, because he was incapable of GIVING anything). End of story, I went with him for a day, and he began saying THE EXACT SAME MONOLOGUE HE HAD USED ON ME FOR OUR ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP!! I heard it with true ears, rode home with him frozen with fear that I had come so close to the pit I had lived in for 2.5 years. End of story, I met a wonderful man at work, we have been inseparable for 11 years, married for 6. The only tears I have cried with him are tears of joy.
Get straight in your mind, don't crumble to your own emotional pain. Clarity will come, but you have to give it time.

February 27, 2000
1:55 pm
Avatar
lost soul
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

sonuds like the same tragic problems that most of us here have been through, or are going through over and over again, When you are ready to let go some of your issues, the other comes by. as it seems to not wanting you to recover. No strong support! or aleast some understanding But making things worst.Man are like shit!!!!

February 27, 2000
2:14 pm
Avatar
Tipsy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Wow, thankyou so much, the situation you described just about perfectly summed me up. You were even the same age as me. I have felt like I keep giving giving giving to him and it was never enough for him that I became so tired I could not really function properly anymore. My finances have gone completely out the window with him. He has been very supportive of me (and I feel bad about everything I have put him through the way I treated him with my family and stuff like that) but he is more preoccupied with himself, I feel like I am stabbing him in the back as I write these words because of all the good things too, sometimes it all feels so impossible. He is devoted to improving himself too. That was one of the reasons why I like him so much because he is always prepared to change and I think during our time together we both changed an incredible amount. I know I have, I feel like I have grown up, and that actually makes me feel good. I also feel proud that I stuck at my job for 3 years too. He expected me to mother him an awful lot and I didn't really like that although I really love the safety and security he offers me. He dosen't really mock me or criticise me, in fact in many many ways he actually increased my confidence. The only time we really had trouble was when he had drunk alcohol (which happenend occasionally -every month or so) and then his mood would usually become aggressive, and I would always get the blame, it was up to me to handle the situation in a better way next time. The worst thing was the next morning he would always forget and I would be left with a whole cauldron full of emotions and he would wonder why I was in a mood, hence it became my problem. I have explained this to him and when I left him he even offered to give up alcohol. But alcohol isn't really the issue, its how he feels about himself, I always think if he could be himself he's a lovely person, but somehow he can not see that being himself is probably enough. We talked a lot and I said I would get help for the relationship I had with my family and he said he would get help to discuss the problems/past he has. But I didn't hang around long enough to find out if that was enough because the next night he did the old alcohol/aggressive trick, I just blew up with anger and sadness and desperation and the next afternoon I left amidst many tears and sad sad feelings. I feel so bad about it all, I thought he could be the love of my life and that we could work everything out. Do you think I should try and have contact with him, or do you think I should stay clear for a while?
You say that with your marriage now you have only cried tears of joy, is that true, is that an indication that your relationship is basically a healthy one? Would it be true to say that if my relationship continually sends me on a roller coaster of emotions then it is not very good. I feel like if I try harder it will be alright. Plus I can not believe how much I miss him that my heart just burns away. I wonder if I could ever find someone to love and live my life with. I really want that in my life.

Thankyou so much for understanding me, it's great to know there is a world out there!! It's good to get it off my chest!! I am finding it hard to trust any one's opinion because I think they have alterior motives (their own interests and problems) this is wonderfully anonymous.

February 27, 2000
3:11 pm
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Tipsy...look for your self. codependence seems to move with us from relationship to relationship. It is within us and also within others so that when we connect we make this huge codependent relationship that both of us are not truly conmfortable in.

My worry for you is that in moving home with your parents you are solidifying the reasons WHY you are codempendent. So much of this stuff comes from our family of origin. I LIVE with my mother too and only recently ( I am 47, married, 4 hids) have I begun to actualy stand up to her in constructive ways (other than thinking of running her over) She has alsways been controlling, schemeing, judgmental etc. and all under the guise of "what's best for you honey".
Regardless. If possible find a group...Adult children of Alcohalics has been suggested to me, or CODA (The ACOA has issues we condependents do all the time.)
A group will accept you for you.... and help you grow for YOU!!!
Even if your folks are going to be gone for a year see if you can find a place of your own sooner...that will get rid of the "you used our home now you owe us emotionally" stuff. As wonderfaul as parents are they are people with issues that many of them grew up with and did not and have not and can not recognize as real and true. (The era of psychobabble is lost on many of them)

Most importantly find YOU!!!! Find what makes YOU happy (and not another person) When and if another person comes along...they need to accept you for YOU!! And not be looking for how to improve you.

READ!!!!!! Go to a bookstore and sit down in the codependent section and READ!!!!!!!!!!

Good Luck.

February 28, 2000
6:27 pm
Avatar
BROC
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Once again Janes, ditto. Bravo.

Heres my two cents.

Codependency, yes. Both of you.

Sad, yes. Both of you.

Does this sadness and missing each other change the fact your codpendent. No. What will? You with you, and him with him.

Can't you love save the day? No.

Can your changing you save you. Yes.

Can your relationship be saved. Yes. BUT ONLY IF YOU GET HELP FOR YOU, AND HE FOR HIM. NO OTHER WAY. AND BE PREPARED TO WORK YOU EVER LOVING ASSES OFF FOR AT LEAST A FEW YEARS. MINIMUM!

Pssst. Your parents are codependents too.

Your words, "He expected me to mother him an awful lot and I didn't really like that although I really love the safety and security he offers me."

Hey, you got it! Read it again. Let me let you in on a few things.

1. It is no coincidence he wants you to mother him. He NEEDS that, because its what he is used to. His pattern in choosing woman is just this. Finding woman (caretakers) to coddle him. To boost him up. To tell him he is good, and valuable, etc.

2. You, on the other side, NEED him (whats called a baby) to take care of. You NEED it as much as he needs his "fix". What your getting out of this is that by caretaking him you get the feeling that your valuable, good, etc.

See the tie that binds. You both are getting a high off of the others dysfunctional behaviors. In a dysfunctional world, your a perfect match. But, as with all codep. relationships, they crash, and WILL always crash. They are, after all, dysfunctional.

I am going to bet there is a drug or alcohol dependency at home, probably from dad. Some type of addiction. Usually it is the father. Mom always cleaning up after him like you with your ex. She resents the hell out of it, just like you, but never does a damn thing about it. She is lost. He is lost. Your lost. You ex is lost. You see a light. Run to it, not away as they are. If you don't get help now, you WILL repeat this shit over again. Promise you that.

Let me know about the family life? Am I right?

Thanks!

Broc

February 28, 2000
8:04 pm
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey..and not just alcohal or chemical dependency...repressive ideas and rigidity can cause it too. Families with SECRETS. My mom was addicted to control!!!

Read Bro's post again...find YOU for YOU!!!!

Then....the relationship that is finally truly fulfilling will be an equal FUNCTIONAL ONE

GOOD LUCK

March 3, 2000
8:18 am
Avatar
Tipsy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Dear All,
My familly life, basically very controlling mother who wants to make everything right for her children because nothing ever felt right for her, of which I am a product. I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past week and now realise that the problems I am having are are seperate but also completely interconnected. There were problems with my relationship with my partner, but the reason I ultimately left was because of the pressure from my family, I believe that if it were not for them I would still be with him. I am not saying that being with him is the best for me, in fact I am beginning to get to the point where I know it is not, yet I feel like I have been torn away, not left because I came to that point naturally. I do feel resentful towards my mother, I have to grow apart and up and really work out what I want for myself.

My mother left my father when I was little. It seems to me that she is always the dominant one and the men in her life are very passive.

I haven't spoken to my ex since I left him, I feel bad about that because I abandoned him, and I think he's going to feel that -abandoned , and it will confirm his suspisions about women not being trustworthy etc. Do you think I should contact him and try to explain or leave it for a while, or leave it forever and pretend it never happened.

March 3, 2000
12:34 pm
Avatar
infaith
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The best path to overcoming codep is to pray, believe in your own thoughts and feelings and honor them until it becomes automatic. Place your self in gods hands so that you co create a life with god that is one of personal trust, trust of others, and trust in life. blessings

March 3, 2000
7:59 pm
Avatar
BROC
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Tipsy,

You sound very wise. Listen, being abandoned is the worst feeling you can ever go through. I have felt it, and went into severe depression over my own issues a year ago. Rather, I came to my wall, again in life, and decided to confront it and not side step it. I went in for help, and learned about codepend., etc. Went to my ex. that literally chased me around like a puppy, she scoffed at it, and said no way. That wasn't that bad, but my friends of 12 years and more all abandononed me. Just quit calling. Thought I was weird for this couseling stuff, etc. I lost 20 lbs., and almost took my life. And, about two years ago, I broke up with my ex., the same one that scoffed at counsleing. That was breakup number 4 or so. We had a total of about 7-8 over 3 1/2 years. Anyway, we broke up, and I stareted dating a new woman. Shannon, my ex. felt completely abandoned. You see, even when we would break up, we still hung out almost every night. Weird, I know. But I think we both did that as a safety net thing. We never went to far out, until I met this girl. Then I was out of the picture completely. After that rel. ended, about three monhts later, I found out how devasted she was. She also lost about 20 pounds. Her friends told me it was bad. Only once in that three months did we talk. It was over lunch, and she was crying, but I was so high on this other girl I couldn't see how devasted she was. It was bad.

I tell you this because EVERY codependents worst fear is abandonment. If not number one, its in the top two I assure you.

Write him a letter right this minute. Tell him everything. Be honest. He doens't understand he is what he is....codependent and all. If you did tell him this, he would give you a puzzled look. Just make sure you tell him it isn't right, why you think so, and that he is a great guy, yadda yadda yadda. Make sure he knows its not his fault. That is the root of abandonment. Their thought is this....If I was good enough, smart enough, etc. she wouldn't ahve left. I'm not worthy. Once again I am not worthy. this is why he thinks woman aren't trustworthy.

He has no fucking clue whats really going on, and if you try to tell him what you have learned here, he will go into denial, disbelief, and ultimatiely think your making it up because you don't want him. It would turn into a huge ugly mess!

But, if he really is open, maybe you can tell him this. Most the time this isn't the case. Please let me know what you think, and how it goes with him.

Stay on your path. Don't get off even for a second. I say this as you mentioned you felt as though you were torn away. You are interpreting this as what your parents want. Maybe so. But the tearing your feeling is your addiction is gone....him. You may not believe it, but this is really the truth. Isn't codependency fun?

Hugs,
Broc

March 6, 2000
11:27 am
Avatar
Tipsy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Broc and World,

I am afraid to make contact with him even by writing although I desperately want to because I think he may not understand why I have done this. I know he knows he has his own issues but from our last conversations I think that he will but the blame on me and the way I deal with my family and its me who is screwed up, not him. I don't think it's fair of him to put all the blame onto my family, but on the other hand I know he is also right. Like I could not help but get pulled back to what I knoe (my family ways) is there any hope for me?
I am also afraid because if I had a 'dysfunctional' relationship with him, how does going back to my family environment help that (although my parents will not be living there because they are going away.) OK I am older and wiser but will I be able to deal with things in a more constructive way for myself. It may be in my best interests to be away from him, but am I jumping from the frying pan into the fire because one of the principal reasons I am returning is to please my family, not necssairly because it is the best thing for me.

I am afraid about leaving here and starting again, making new friends building up a life. I am afraid because I will be under my mother's roof for a few weeks before she goes away, what if I can't deal with it? what if I feel so angry I will not cope, what if, what if....

I am feeling very sensitive this week because on Thursday I reach the point of no return, that is the last day of my job before I leave this place return to my family home and then start my new job in just over a weeks time. I feel quite positive in terms of the job, it will probably work out ok. What I feel really nervous about is moving away from HIM because that basically means it really is over. I feel bad, guilty, and all the rest because if I really loved him then I would stay around so at least then there would be the possiblity of us working things out. Am I just dreaming/pretending. Broc, you said stay on your path, how do I ever tell him that I love him, and him believe me when I have walked away and left him. Im just fooling myself to think that we could remain at least friends. Is it possible for him to know that I did not intend to hurt his feelings.

I feel my future is both exciting but moreso uncertain. I am realising more that I do like other people to verify my thoughts and decisions, it makes me feel safer and certain. I find it hard to make a decision by myself, and just do it. In fact I spend a lot of time trying to make decisions, and being split about which way to go.

I really am worried and fearful

March 6, 2000
6:36 pm
Avatar
BROC
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Tipsy,

First, you are torn not only because you are afraid your hurting him, but because your scared shitless. You are as scared or maybe even more than him because you are calling it quits, no more, nadda. That means abandonment. Abandonment inflicted on him by you, and self inflicted on you by you. Make sense? Your codependency is an ADDICTION. Make no mistake about that. IT IS AN ADDICTION. I have read many artilces that say the effects of this are as bad as any chemical/alcohol dependency. You crave him and he you. ITs love addiction. Yes, this really is a term. He is comfortable, even though you know he is wrong for you. And when you use your parents as an excuse, it only shows me that you are (unconsciouly) trying to find a reason to stay. Why? Easy. The pain will go away. At least for awhile. It will come back again when you two interact. Why? Easy. Because you each are who you are. Nothing has changed. However, you have started the path. You can't go back now. If you do, your pain will be greater because you now know it can be better, but you would be going back anyway. Kind of like hitting your finger with a hammer over and over. You find out it doesn't have to be that way, and when you stop hitting your finger, the feeling, oddly, hurts worse, so you go back to hitting your finger.

I would recommend you communicate in a letter whats going on. You stated his is blaming you. Let him. He needs to otherwise the only other person to blame is himeslef and that will really hurt. So, let him. That anger will propel him out of the pain he is in. Can't you at least give him that. I did for my ex. She needed to think Iwas a fuckup when I told her about counseling, and changing, etc. She wanted no part of it, and blamed me for everyting bad. I let her, and Iknow to some degree it helped.

As far as being friends, NO WAY. My ex. and I tried that shit over a perid of almost four years. We had 7-8 breakups. We would remain friends, but that addiction was there, and slowly BUT SURELY wrapped us back up with each other. It was a cycle. Breakup cause of the shit, and stay friends. Hang out, talk, what have you. We would look at other prospcets, but our addiction was to much. Our chemical reation was like heorin (sp?). It is that way for ALL codependents.

Anyway, last year we eneded it once and for all. And as screwed up as she was, and still is, she knew then that we could no longer be friends. She knew what would happen if we did. The same thing. We would hang out, screw, and start dating again. She has no idea WHY it happened (codependency, etc.) all those times, but she knows that it just did, and would continue.

So, for you, if you want your life to change,you have to do it this way. Either stay, or go. To go is the only way to change your life. I know its hard, but I did it, and so many others here have and are. Read the Dear Brenda thread. She is having a very hard time. Read her story. You will shake your head and yell "get out". But she can't, for exactly the same reason your struggling with. Fear. Once you overcome that, you will ahve won half of the battle. You are further along than Brenda is, but need to continue in order to succeed.

And about the folks. I had to quit calling my mom as much as I did. We own a business togehter, and I am getting my own location. We/I can't be around those that enable our behaviro. My mom/your folks have no idea of whats going on. ANd if you told them, chances are they would just roll their eyes.

Get yourself right. You shold be finding a therapist right now. Its the only way to find out whats inside of you thats not ticking right.

This site is helpful and so are the books, but therapy is a must, otherwise you just won't get it fixed. You will know an aweful lot, but it won't help. Why do you think so many therpists have counselors? YOU CAN"T DIAGNOIS YOURSELF! it will be the best $$ you ever spent.

B-

So,

March 7, 2000
3:20 am
Avatar
Jaytong
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi, Broc,
I broke up with my bf. I am also scared of contacting him too, although (like Tipsy) I desparate to. You recommend writing, but what if he doesn't even reply?

March 7, 2000
7:31 am
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

If he doesn't reply...you hav e had a chance to tell how yo feel, vent etc. If he doesn't reply...you get a clearer piture of who he really is...

Your heart will be broken but will mend...

You are growing and learning....is he?

You are changing due to the growth you are doing. He may not be able (or willing) to keep up with you.

As you heal from your brokenness you will find a healthy relationship. But it is easy to want to stay with the comfortable aor go back to it. or to want to be wanted..by anyone. even if you did do the breaking up...

I'll be thinking of you today.
j-

March 7, 2000
1:26 pm
Avatar
BROC
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I read your thread JTONG. He is sick (unhealthy). He, like ALL the others will not change until he seeks some threapy, just as you. Again, this site, books, etc. is enough to get you to REALIZE what you have been doing wrong, and thats it. Counseling will help you dig deep to find YOUR individual dysfuction, and then will he you take steps to heal from it.

THAT IS THE ROAD WE ALL HAVE TO TAKE!

Now, with that said, you have to ask yourself your reason for writing. I told tipsy it would be a good idea to write because her ex. will feel abanonded, and that is a terrible feeling. Itstead of blaming himself and feeling aweful, eh will probably do what my ex. did and blame me for everything. That is good...for them. It helps them over the pain. It is by far not the best solution.. the best solution would be to get help like you. But you know, its not his time. Its yours. Write your letter, and wait. Go over it and make sure it says all you wnat it to, and MOVE ON with your healing.

For me, I would not want a reponse. It would not be helpful to you in any way. it would only drag out the enevitable!

Good luck. STay on your path. Like Janes says, the old way is comfortable, and will try and pull you back. DON"T GO! IF you do, you will never find the happiness you are looking for.

B-

March 8, 2000
7:33 am
Avatar
Jaytong
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Broc, be frank. I wrote him quite a lot of letters, whenever I desparate to talk to him, but I 've never sent those letters. (except the 2 e-mails) I just write, like you said, kind of vent. Actually, I didn't contact/heard any news about him for long.

I've read some of other threads on this site. Found a lot of similarity among them. like you said.....there must be some problem with him (as co-dep)...yes, his father was an alcoholic, got liver failure, and became extremely demanding; his mother had strict measure on him when he's a child; and his sisters got problems too......he's the eldest. I guess he's got his own problems / under tremendous presssure too.....sick/unhealthy.......maybe.......

well, yeah, Janes, he might not keep up. until i got heal, or else i am still broken....even though i took the action to ask for break up. i don't realize it's so hard to stay on our own path. but it's so good that i know I am not alone. oh, i am seeing the counselor tomorrow.

March 8, 2000
7:45 am
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I'll be thinking and praying for you.

March 8, 2000
8:29 am
Avatar
Tipsy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am so scared, I can't remember feeling like this (well, not consciously anyway), tonight I am writing to my ex. and tomorrow I leave my job, and my head is going around and around as to whether it is for the best. People tell me I'll work it all out and what ever decision I make it's going to be hard because I'm there right in the middle of it all!! I have seriously been thinking about staying with my job and getting a new apartment by myself, but I think it's last minute jitters, I am just afraid of going back to my parent's home, I am afraid that I will never get out again.

March 8, 2000
3:16 pm
Avatar
BROC
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

JTONG,

GOOD FOR YOU! COUSELING IS THE ONLY WAY TO TRULEY FIND YOUR PATH AND TO HEAL.

TIPSY,

HANG IN THERE. YOU ARE GOING THROUGH WITHDRAWLS RIGHT NOW. YOU ALWAYS KNEW BEFORE THAT WHEN PUSH CAME TO SHOVE YOU COULD ALWAYS FEED OFF OF YOUR BOYFRIEND, AND HE OFF YOU. NOW, YOU REALIZE ITS REALLY FINALLY DONE, AND YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS WANTS YOUR FIX. LIKE I SAID, MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT THIS. I AM NOT EXAGGERATING.

LOVE ADDICTION (CODEPENDENCY) IS VICIOUS, AND CAN BE LETHAL. YOU ARE GOING OFF OF YOUR ADDICTION, AND AS WITH ANY OTHER ADDICTION, YOU WILL GO THROUGH WITHDRAWLS. THAT IS WHAT YOUR FEELING.

YOU STAY, AND HANG IT UP. YOU WILL GO BACK, AND NO WAY YOU CAN HEAL DOING THAT.

THIS IS CRUNCH TIME TIPSY. STAY ON YOUR PATH. AND REMEMBER, WHEN YOU BEGIN TO QUESTION OR JUSTIFY, ITS JUST YOUR CODEPENDENCY TALKING. ITS WANTS ITS FIX. IF YOU GIVE IN, YOU WILL ONLY GET WHAT LIFE HAS GIVEN YOU UP TILL NOW.

BOTTOM LINE: IF NOTHING CHANGES, NOTHING CHANGES.

B-

March 9, 2000
9:44 am
Avatar
Tipsy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I need advice urgently, my question is, if I am so codependent on my ex boyfriend, how does going back to my family home ease that because surely that is where all my codependency issues originate from, surely I should detach from them too. What I am doing is detaching from one but returning to the other. Am I making a valid point or am I just making excuses because of my love addiction??

March 9, 2000
10:34 am
Avatar
Cici
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I don't think codependency comes just from your family. I think it also has to do with your past relationship experiences (platonic AND romantic) as well as your sexual self identity and your self-esteem. You have to be the originator of action, not the reactor. So, waht does that mean, exactly?

That means that although your environment influences you, YOU are in control of how much it influences you and when it influences you and so on. You have to take control of your life, don't let life's circumstances pull you along with the current.

March 9, 2000
2:42 pm
Avatar
BROC
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Tipsy,

Not sure I understand CiCi's comments.

From all of my research, codpendency comes from our families of origin. Melanie Beattie, Pia mellody, and other pioneers of codependency support this theory. From birth we are molded into "us". They tell us that from birth to age 7 is where we form the "us" in us. We then take this behaviors into the rest of our lives. For example. We learned that we could not cry, or ask for something we wanted, because we would be told to "shape up", don't be a cry baby, you shouldn't ask for that, you know we cant' afford it. Things of this nature. So, we figured out that we had to find other ways to get what we wanted....kind of going around the issue - indirectly asking for what we wanted so as not to involk a undesireable response from that person. Such as shame or punishment.

So, we learned to lie, control, and manipulate the situation to give us the desired outcome. Make sense?

Like my ex. for example. she wanted to know everywhere I went, accused me of wrong doings after wrong doings, etc. She would yell at me, give me the cold shoulder, withholding feelings such as saying I love you, witholding sex, etc. This is controlling and manipulative. I picked up on this and became even more distant. I was angry for her actions. SO, I withheld from her. I would do things to hurt her because she had hurt me. What a shit storm! The point is this. You learned this as a child. It is how you coped and learned to survive in your enviornment. It doesn't make you a bad or evil person, just dysfunctional. And as such, will prevent you from ever becoming close, and caring, and nurturing with ANY man, no matter who he is. Why? Because you are you. You will always act the same way to ever guy. Your behaviros are automatic. They are unconscious. You cannot control them UNLESS you do the work you need to do to figure out why you do these things, the core issue. Then you can work on those issues particular to you.

Sorry so long. And as far as moving home, I believe I already pointed this out earlier in this thread. Yes, moving home would not be beneficial. Why? Because your family is where it came from, and they will only enable your behavior, because to them its normal and acceptable. I work with my mom, and have figured this out, and am going to open up my own office away from her. I love her to death, but the control, and other behaviors pull me in because they are comfortable, and ultimately interfere with my ability to grow.

B-

March 11, 2000
2:44 pm
Avatar
leda
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Tipsy,

Physically moving away from your ex is the most difficult part of this process! This is an extremely difficult time for you right now. Let yourself win one battle at a time. A temporary situation at your parent's house can be o.k. as long as you are aware. And you are intelligent and aware of your relationship with your parents.

When I was going thru a very similar situation, I questioned every single decision I made because of the paralyzing fear!

Get past this hurdle, then deal with the next one. The strength you gain from this experience will guide you past your family issues as well.

Waiting and searching for the "right" place to live may only keep you from getting thru the first, most important struggle: that of the current addiction.

YOU CAN DO IT!

You are doing great!

Leda.

March 12, 2000
5:08 am
Avatar
lost soul
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yes, Tipsy, you are doing great.
Be easy on yourself. Take things one at a time.

March 12, 2000
7:41 am
Avatar
Jaytong
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

dear all,
keep posting......all your posts are leading me to THINK.....i have a faint hint coming across my mind....telling me where's the light.....keep posting !

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
47
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110931
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38539
Posts: 714215
Newest Members:
genericsmartdrugs, 才艺, stanley, LarteyWellnessGroup, dr ado spell caster, Leslie Ann Satin
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer