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How do I make these thoughts go away? Please help...
August 24, 2007
8:33 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Due to my childhood sexual abuse there is NO suprise in my fear of sleeping in a bed by myself. I have always been afraid. Well, it has really never been an issue until recently here. Two Saturday nights every January my husband is gone. I have just always let one of my kids sleep with me. They think it is special, and it helps me to sleep. So it works for both parties involved.

About 3 weeks ago or a little more, my h got laid off. Well, the job that he is doing at the moment is a GOOD distance from our house. So he has been staying many nights away from home. I have done ok some nights, and not so ok on other nights. I have just grabbed a kid and threw them in bed with me. Well, last night was the only night that he was going to be gone this week, so I thought that I would try to be a big girl.

Well, about 1 this morning, I was sitting in the bath tub, laying there with my eyes closed. All of a sudden, (I WAS NOT SLEEPING) I have these thoughts go through my head. It was like I could not stop them though. I didn't have the ability to open my eyes...it was horrible. I could CLEARLY see my four year old daughter being held down, while I was forced to watch her being raped by a man, who looked VERY similar to the man that abused me when I was 12. I could see the fear, the tears falling, and the blood curdling screams coming from her. I could see his hands holding her little arms down, and I was watching all of this.

I was awake, tears falling. But, I could not make it go away. Why? Please, I can't take this...I NEED THIS TO STOP. I went and got her out of her bed, and put her in mine. She slept there with me, and I just held her for a little bit. She woke up this morning and asked me "Mommy, why I sleep in you bed?" I can't do this anymore.

I thought that I was getting better. I can't do this. For me to have nightmares, or to be troubled during sex is one thing, but I can't handle this. Please...someone. I need this to stop.

August 24, 2007
8:44 pm
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Randomwomen2
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Sweetheart I have also had this issue. I call them Day-mares. I dont know how to make them go away. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this. (((Mich))) You will make it though this sweetheart. We both will.

August 24, 2007
8:46 pm
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thewall
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Sometimes it feels like its getting worse before it gets better. Journal the feelings you had from that dream. Discuss them with your therapist. If you are not seeing a therapist, You need to be. This is a very tough thing to go theough in your healing process. No one needs to go thru it alone.

When my h is away, I put 2 pillows long ways on his side of the bed, so it feels like he is there. That helps me sleep.

I have vivid dreams as well. I have had flashbacks too. They get easier in time. Your mind is just purging all of this trash that happened to you. Unforntunatley its part of the healing process. Your mind is telling you that you need to be talking to a professional about this. The mind lets us remember things slowly. It is telling you that this is your next phase of healing and therapy. Take its cue.

Remember, dreams are not real, even though they feel horribly real. They are not predictions of the future, nor are they always true events of teh past. Talk about the feelings, the fear that your daughter will get raped like you did.... the fear you felt when you were raped....etc. Puke it all out girl..in journals, and to your therapist. It will pay off in the end.

Ive been to hell and back, and I came out ahead bc of all of the hard work and stubborness I put into my therapy and healing.

good luck and big hug

August 24, 2007
9:50 pm
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bonita1
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Mich & Random,

((((hugs))))

I hope that you both have access to a good therapist since this sounds like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Talk to your doctor, call a woman's center to see if they have support groups and if they offer financial help for counseling. Counseling and medication work.

Love,

~~bonita

August 24, 2007
11:10 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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((((RW)))) Thanks so much. I hate to know that you understand my pain, yet there is something that makes it easier to know that I am not alone.

(((thewall))) (((bonita1))) Thank you both. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, about a year and a half ago. I did send this post to my therapist. I saw him this morning, but that was to drop off my oldest and pick her back up. He gave me a big hug....as he is WELL aware that something is not right. I couldn't have hidden that if I had wanted to. I wouldn't have discussed it as I had 5 kids with me, and I would have struggled to talk about it at all. But, to write it out...that I can do. I send him a LOT of my posts. Usually, once it is out, I can talk about it.

Thank you both again. I just need this to all go away. That was a pain that I cannot handle. It was awful. I want to be normal, and I want to feel normal. Ughhh..

Love, Mich

August 24, 2007
11:18 pm
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ggfred4
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(((Mich))) I understand, I know the dreams 🙁

August 24, 2007
11:37 pm
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smarterone
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I hope the Lord brings you peace in your life d

August 24, 2007
11:49 pm
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needtoheal
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Mich---

I am sorry to hear about these dreams/thoughts that you've had... I do understand how disturbed you feel by them... I am holding you close...

Love ya--
NEED

August 24, 2007
11:55 pm
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fantas
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Scared, I know what you mean with the graphic memories. I have those as well. For a while there I thought it would never stop but it does stop. I think the frequency will lessen with time. Like it was suggested, I found journalling really helpful for me. I also have done a lot EMDR and hypnotherapy and it seems to help ease the subconscious fears and anxiety.

Obviously, your greatest fear is that the same thing that happened to you would happen to your child and it comes through in your thoughts and dreams. As it was told to me, it helps to actually confront the attacker in the dreams and images. Give yourself permission to exert the power you couldn't before and kick the shit out of the attacker the next time you have the thoughts. I tried this and it works. Once you release yourself from the paralysed feeling of the dream you can be as powerful and as vicious as you want. Give it a try.
Hang in there. keep us posted!

August 25, 2007
1:02 am
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bevdee
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Michigan,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Sending you lots of hugs.

(((Mich)))

August 25, 2007
11:43 am
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_anonymous
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Scared- Everything that you dream about represents you. The are symbolic latent not manifest. The little girl in the dream was you and the person watching was you. The fact that it was so late at night and the fact that you could not open your eyes tells me you were sleeping. A sleep disorder. Please dont get in the bath tub at that hour again. It is not safe. Sounds like you are under a lot of stress with your husbands job situation and him having to be gone at night. This interferes with your sleep and your brain chemicals. You are probably sleep deprived from stress. So the second you close your eyes your brain can go immediatly into a sleep mode with some bizarre brain wave activity. Work on going to bed at a decent hour. Do something relaxing before you go to bed. TV on used to help me feel so not alone.

August 26, 2007
12:07 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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(((Need, gg, fantas, Bev, and Destinystar)))

Thank you all for your replies and the hugs. I have NEVER experienced this, and I cannot explain it. I will leave that up to Jim. I am hoping for the best. I just know that I can't let go of what I saw. It was the most horrifying thing. I cannot explain it.

Please, think positive thoughts for me in this. I really need for this to NOT consume my mind at this point. I need to be able to concentrate on moving forward and on my studies. Please...continue to pray and whatever to help me through this. I would appreciate it all...

August 26, 2007
12:26 am
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soofoo
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Mich
I know what you're talking about with the not being able to move or open your eyes and seeing an image. It is terrifying! Oh I am SO praying for you!

Be sure to tell your Dr. about this. If you're taking ambien (sleep aid) you might want to stop.

Are you practicing yoga or meditation?

The fact that you can talk about this is a great sign. You are going to be okay!

August 26, 2007
1:46 am
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bonita1
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Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and hoping you are feeling better.

Hugs for you, (((((((Mich.))))))

Love,

~~bonita

August 26, 2007
3:18 am
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cpt1212
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Mich,

It is crazy to me that sometimes when you post it is like you pull the thoughts out of my head. While I am sorry to know that you have a hard time sleeping alone in your bed, it is such a relief to know that other grown ups have this problem. I am 30 and single and I have a difficult time sleeping in my bedroom. Almost every night (or early morning) I sleep on the couch. Sometimes I try to sleep in my own bed but I usually give up and end up back on the couch. I really give myself a hard time about this.

Also, I have a question here for everyone that is in therapy b/c of past sexual abuse. Mich, I hope you don't mind if I ask it here. I am begining to discuss the abuse in therapy but mostly i just dance around the issue and have never talked about a specific incident or graphically. i figure that it is not fair to put an image like that into someone elses head and i don't want to embarass self. but for some reason i do want to talk about this incident. just wondering how other people talk about their abuse with their therapist.

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