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How do I make him get over the fact that I cheated?
March 3, 2006
1:41 pm
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ryny143
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My bf & I have been in a 4 year long relationship. Since about a month into the relationship, he was already checking my phone everyday, grilling me on details of my past boyfriends and relationships, breaking up with me on a weekly basis bc of his insecurities, and being verbally abusive. There have been many stages of this relationship, but thats basically how it started and how it still is. About a year and a half ago, I cheated on him, got caught, and we broke up for 6 months (while I dated the OTHER guy). We still talked ALL the time during this period. Yes, I know this was a horrible thing to put him through, since he was my bf and we had been through so much together, but it happened. When we got back together LAST November, it was rough for us, understandably, but now it has been so long, and I feel that it should be dropped. He brings up this guy & the issue at least 3 times oer week, and uses it against me when I am upset with him. How do I handle this? Am I wrong that I think he shouldve forgiven me or not gotten back with me at all? I have done EVERYTHING I can to show him I love him and want no one but him, for so long now, but he cant shake it. WHen I feel his is being shady, and I ask him a question, he goes right to, "Oh please! YOU were the one having sex with another guy for 6 months!" Or if I am upset that he doesnt address or care about my feelings, he says, "You didnt care about my feelings for the 6 months you were with HIM"

I think this is extremely unfair and it makes me so angry. I cant take it back, but I dont want to have it thrown in my face every day for the rest of my life!!! How do I handle this?

March 3, 2006
1:46 pm
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artist 2
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have you tried couples counseling?

March 3, 2006
1:55 pm
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kathygy
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ryn,

"breaking up with me on a weekly basis bc of his insecurities, and being verbally abusive."

This doesn't sound like a good partner choice. I see no stability in the relationship. I see no trust. Without trust what do you have? This sounds like a very dysfunctional relationship.

You don't deserve abuse no matter what you've said or done ever. Why are letting him be abuse to you? That's reason enough to walk away.
Also, you say he doesn't show concern for your feelings. Your feelings need to matter a lot to your partner.

Also, it sounds like he does not take responsibility for his part in relationship issues. Rather he uses your past cheating to avoid looking at himself.

It almost sounds like he's glad to have this history of yours so he can use it to his advantage. he seems to enjoy throwing it in your face.

I wonder if he really wants to get over this. Bringing it up constantly is a sure fire way to avoid intimacy.

Have you told him how you feel about him constantly bringing this up?

Do you really want to stay with a man like this? Why?

Have you asked him what you can do to help him move past your cheating?

You deserve to be with a man that treats you with love and respect all of the time and cares deeply about your feelings, a man you can rely on to be there for you and the relationship.

March 3, 2006
2:06 pm
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ryny143
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Thats some good advice! Thanks! Yea, I've asked him what I can do, and told him it bothers me when he brings it up, and yes, I agree that he likes having it so he can have something against me......yes to everything. But I still have trouble leaving. As much as I feel that he should forgive & forget, I think he makes me believe that his abuse is kind of my fault. I asked him to go to couples counseling, and he said yes, but I dont know if it is worth it with all these issues. I dont really know much about couples counseling....like what goes on & what it entails. Why am I still in this? I really have no answer, and thats scary. He has really transferred the insecurity from him, to me, and its not fun. I just need to regain my strength & build my life again......I guess. Thanks.

March 3, 2006
2:31 pm
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nappy
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How do you make him get over the fact that you cheated? You can't. If he can't let it go then you will be face with this problems as long as you are in this relationship with him. It is really up to him to let go of the past and for you to stop trying to fix the problem. You can't fix it my yourself.
I didn't cheat on my ex-boyfriend but I know how you feel when ever things don't go his way, then he is always calling off the relationship until one day I had to give him what he wanted. Letting go of the relatinship. Sometimes you have to be very carefully of what you ask for because then you really would get it.
Honey, there is really nothing that you can do but to let go and ask yourself. Do you really want to put up with this while you are dating this man?
Do I really want to get feeling like this all the time?
Do I really want to get putting my feeling behind me and his first. I understand that you may have cheated but there was a reason for you to go out there in the first place. Until you come to that answer, I would leave him alone for a while in order to sort out my real feeling about yourself and him.

March 3, 2006
2:40 pm
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ryny143
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Thanks nappy! All this great advic makes so much sense. It's just a matter of being strong & DOING IT!!! I know what I want and it is not this!!! Thanks for the push! 😉

March 3, 2006
2:44 pm
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kathygy
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ryny,

abuse is never, ever YOUR fault no matter what you have said or did. Your bf wants you to think it is but he is wrong. That is not loving at all.

You can go to couples therapy for many reasons. You can go to work on enhancing the relationship and you can go to help you end a bad realtionship.

I have been to couples counseling with two different relationships. One thing I have found is that couples therapy will bring the reality of the relationship to the light of day and make it real hard to stay in denial.

You would see how much capacity your bf has for a healthy, loving realtionship which I suspect is not much. Its my experience that it can help you end a bad relationship faster than individual therapy.

It sounds like your bf needs lots of individual therapy because he sounds so wounded. He may not be able to be present for couples therapy.

Then when you walk away you can start indivudal therapy or you can do both at the same time if you can afford it.

March 3, 2006
2:48 pm
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SassyAlex
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ryny143, if I were him, I would never be able to get over it. And if I went back with you, I would always be thinking about it, and yes, it would always be coming up. I don't understand how people ever get over cheating but some do so maybe they can shed some light. Once that trust is broken, expect him to bring it up and expect it to never go away.

That being said, he has a choice to make. If he cannot let it go, he has to let you go. He should not stay with you if he is going to constantly brew in it, as I know I would. I believe there are other reasons why this relationship should end, from reading other things you've posted about your relationship on the board.

I say let him go...I am on the flip side, I went back with a guy who lied and did shady things (not cheating that I know about), and I was never able to let it die. I fixated on it. We had good times, but inevitably the bad stuff would creep into my psyche, and I would be angry with him. There's no way to win. I want my ex to let me go, and maybe it's best you let this guy go so he can heal without you in his life...and so you can heal as well. It seems too much damage has been done. Sometimes there is no going back.

March 3, 2006
2:58 pm
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ryny143
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SassyAlex- I get what you are saying but LONG before this happened, he never trusted a thing I said, so I feel like this cheating thing just gives him something to throw at me when he feels the need, or when the spotlight is on him. I think that before I et him, his trust in ANYONE was broken already. I tend to be the was you say you are, and cannot let go of shady things that happen, but I feel like he takes it too far. It was his choice to take me back, and he did; I wish he didnt though, sometimes...

March 3, 2006
3:11 pm
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SassyAlex
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ryny143, I know what you are saying, and I totally agree. Your bf took you back just like I took my bf back. I have never been able to get over the lying and shadiness, and your bf may never get over the cheating. That is why I need to let him get on with his life, and this guy needs to let you get on with his. I wanted to try and make things work with my bf, but the bad memories and feelings of betrayal would sneak back up on me, and before you knew it, I was being nastier to him than I've ever been to another person in my entire life. What he did to me lives in me like a poison, and when it comes out it is poisonous to him and myself. I wish you the best. Yes, he should not hold on to you just to torture you, so maybe you are going to have to be the one who moves on.

March 3, 2006
3:13 pm
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gingerleigh
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RYNY, you've started quite a few threads about your relationship and the pain you're in. I would suggest printing them all out and then going to a quiet place, alone, and reading through all of your descriptions. Then ask yourself this: "Is this really what I want?"

Is there anything good you're getting out of this relationship at all? Please be honest with yourself about that. What IS good about it? Not what COULD BE good about it, but what IS good about it? You will thank yourself for the honesty.

March 3, 2006
3:15 pm
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ryny143
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SassyAlex- Thanks for writing. I havent been able to get an opinion on this, from someone who has been in HIS situation. I think I might be the same way if it were the opposite, but still I wish I could make him forget it, because I really have no bad intentions anymore- but I guess he cant just believe that. Thank you for helping me to see it from the other side! I'll see if anything changes, but if not I guess it's best to move on either way.

March 3, 2006
3:23 pm
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ryny143
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yes Gingerleigh, I know. Its because its a cycle. Things get better & then I re-wrap myself up in spending all my energy & time on him, so when they get bad again, its even harder. I also tend to take the relationship, issue by issue, and try to figure out fix each of them, when really it needs to be seen as a whole- a painful one. Maybe I will print them out- sounds like a good idea to get myself where I should be. Thanks.

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