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How do I know I'm Codependent??????
November 11, 2001
9:04 am
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Britney
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Before yesterday, I didn't know codependency existed or, at least, I didn't associate it with me. I'm still not sure I fit in this category although it's so good to finally feel that there may be other people has f**ked up as me. (Sorry, -had to speak my mind there-hope no one is offended(Geez!-for sure, a codependent!)).
Anyway, I have been researching the subject over the net and found a vast supply of information. The symptoms of codependency seem equally as vast as the available information. 3/4 of the population could be codependents. How do I know for sure I am codependent?
I posted a thread earlier called avoiding relationships. It tells a little about me.Can someone play the doctor here and give me a diagnosis?lol.

p.s. I am amazed with the help that people receive here. Some of you guys put alot of time in your responses to help others. It's great.

November 11, 2001
9:39 am
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ms. T
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As someone who has just self-diagnosed as codependent, then had it affirmed by a therapist, I can tell you some things about it that might help you determine for yourself if it is your problem. I have a friend whom I love dearly. She has had a string of broken relationships with men over the four years I've known her, and throughout that time I've found myself dividing so that part of me is living her life. I am so afraid to not spend time with her, because when she gets alone, she tends to do rash things and make terrible decisions about seeing jerks. I tend to be a little suffocating with her because I feel the need to be aware of what she's doing so that I can help her if she is getting into trouble. Basically, we began to have a parent/child relationship, which is very unhealthy for both of us, and I began to have anxiety attacks because I am constantly obsessing over her choices. I have had to distance myself from her until I can work with a therapist to stop gleaning self-worth from helping others make good decisions. Helping is okay, but the kind I've been doing turns out to be dangerous when you get to the point that you can't help. I did read your earlier thread, and it sounds to me like you have a problem attaching because of fear of broken relationships, then you may be sabotaging relationships yourself so that it's YOU who is in control of when it ends. Good luck, and if there's anything I can specifically talk to you about, I'd be glad to.

November 11, 2001
11:50 am
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Britney
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Thanks T
I not sure my symptoms are exactly like yours. I tend to stay in a situation that is perhaps wrong for me because I don't want to rock the boat and hurt the other person. My problems stem from far back and are not the result of failed past relationships because I remember being that way before I had a relationship with man. I avoid it because I know that I will not have the courage to end it if it doesn't turn out ok. It's not just romantic relationships that I have this problem with. I work for a very self centered ,spoiled, difficult woman and, although I hesitate to label people that way, after two years, I feel I have earned the right to that opinion. Anyway, I would like to be working elsewhere but I hesitate because I know she needs me and I don't want to hurt her feelings. At all costs, it is so important that people like me. Even my ex-husband who treated me like dirt even to the point of coming to my house after we were seperated and raping me at 4:00 in the morning. I let him in because he was crying and begging me that he "just wanted to talk."Is there no end to this ridiculous compassion? Did I do anything about it ? NO.-That would have upset his grandmother to much and my father ... and of course, we can't rock the boat, can we? Better to keep this to myself like everything else. That way the world still gives me approval and I, in return, get some self-worth. The absolutely ridiculous thing is I don't want my ex to dislike me either. That would also lower my self esteem a few notches. As long as he wants to come back, I know I am a worthwhile person.
Sorry people, I am a little bitter this weekend. I'm sure that is reflected in my writing.
By the way, my current boyfriend is a very nice person (MUCH nicer than my ex) but my problem is he refuses to go to work. When I prayed to God for a nice guy to come along, I forgot to mention that I would like him to have an income. lol.
Anyway, that's a little of what I am about.

November 11, 2001
12:04 pm
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ms. T
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You sound just like the friend I was talking about. Your symptoms are not like mine, but more like hers. She kept abuse inside for a long time before she made a move to end her horrible marriage, because there was a part of her that felt her ex could still be fixed. She also didn't want to hurt her parents, who were enthusiastic about her marrying him in the first place; she thought they'd be disappointed. Then, she went through a couple of meaningless relationships before she fell for a guy head over heels. He didn't want to work, either, and he also made her feel sorry for him and that he was better than her ex, but now she's out tens of thousands of dollars from her reckless compassion and wanting to help him get his life on track so he could be a part of hers. The problem seems to be that he doesn't ever quite do it, but can manage to fool her for months at a time, and she's wasting her life away for a man who's really not a man at all, just a shell. Please be careful with yourself! It sounds like you are a wonderful, caring person, just as she is, and it's been hard for me to watch her fall on her face time and time again because she's afraid she'll hurt somebody and never wants any relationship to end on a bad note. Turn to your friends for support; get some therapy to learn all the things about you that should make you feel good about yourself besides helping others. Good luck to you.

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