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How do I help?
January 1, 2001
7:51 pm
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running
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I have twin 19 year old sons. They are going to college. They room with two other guys in a house. All of the have been friends forever. They are all really close. So whats the problem? One of them feels a lot of anger. All his life he has been in competition with his twin. He actually excels in certain areas over his twin, but does not see it. His brother has a more relaxed relationship with others. He has low self esteem. I can see certain events that lead to his feelings, but not a real justification that he is not a great person. We he is hurt or down on himself he strikes out in anger at those he really cares about. His anger has turned violent more than once. Not just out ward at other but at himself. Last night he threatened suicide and admitted he had tried to kill himself before, but could not pull the trigger. I am so scared for him. His brother wants me to get him help, but says he knows he won't go to get help. He is out of the house on his own and we have no control over his actions, in fact he pushes harder to do the opposite of what we suggest to prove he is grown. I know he is feeling not loved by his brother. But he is pushing his brother away. He has been screaming at his brother all day in anger. He has even hit him and other objects. The room mates are keeping him calm. His brother is staying out of his way. I know he would like his brother to just say you and me ... nothing else matters. His anger is out of hurt. His brother was crying over the fact that he wanted to kill himself last night. It was a physical fight to stop him. On top of all this they have both been ill. He won't take his medication, he won't listen. His brother is think of transferring to another college to stop the pain and hurt. It would be the straw and his brother would think the love is gone. It may break him. One brother should not have to take the abuse and the other should not feel less than the other. The fights are not frequent, but are extremely intense. Most of the time they are best friends. I should mention the one with all the anger gave up his job and some college time to take care of the other. It was not always easy or graciously done, but he was there. The day they took his brother to the hospital he was there 27-7 watching over him for three months or more. Now he is having the same medical problems and his brother is there, but not as intensly. His brother is working to keep them both living independently and to continue to attend college. This time the anger was released due to drinking, but this is the first time. It usually happens when he is angry or hurt. During this fight he kept yelling, your my brother the one person in the world I love most and is suppose to love me! Even after sleeping it off he is yelling abusive things, only at his brother. I am going to contact his doctor tomorrow to see if I can get his help with taking his medication and advice on the anger. When I talk to him, try to reassure him he is loved. I listen to his side and agree and disagree as much as I can without making the situation worse. I don't know if I am helping or not. When I talk to his brother I ask him to hang in there and try to explain the under lying emotions. I tell him it is not right that he should have to take the abuse. I told him to go visit his girlfriend today and do the shopping he needed to get away and let him cool down. God! That sounds so lame... My husband and I went over immediately last night. While my husband talked to his brother to find out what happened and how he was feeling. This was to help him have a chance to talk to someone about what was happening. I tried to calm him down and get him to bed. He was so angry and hurt! I don't think he even see the hurt for what it is. He says he doesn't care. But his words say something different. I held him and told him how much I care. Today is bad between them. Please don't tell me they have to solve it themselves. We have tried this... only to have both of them call needing to talk and be reafirmed of what they are feeling and ask for help. It has gotten to serious not to look for help.

January 1, 2001
8:15 pm
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janes
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Number one get all the firearms and medications etc. out of reach.

#2 For the brother with out all the anger --have HIM schedule a counseling appointment FOR HIMSELF.

#3 for the twin with all the anger...
Schedule him an appointment, hand
him the appointment card and say
"we all love you very much and don't want to spend the rest of our lives with out you around."

#4 Schedule you and your hubby appots too.

#5 Back off.

There is not much you can do when they are 19. Unless you intend to go the court route and prove one twin incompetent...

What were their illnesses? You don't say.

I know that with all of this occuring last night it is too soon to be objective about it all... However one twin cannot and should not be expected to sacrifice his life for the other mental problems.

Counseling for the family might be warrented. There is no assurance that the twin that needs the help will choose to attend...but it could help the rest of the family. He might attend just knowing he is the topic.

It would be tough... I have been through it where my 3 younger children informed their older sister that were she arrested THEY thought we should leave her in jail.... so it can be amazing ...

You need to not feel responsible. This is tough too. Mom's are horrible for coodependence.

I am sure you will get tons of responses of different things to do...but with his age it turns into his choice...

Love him, love the twin. It's different with them I know...but they are separate people which might be part of the issue here as well.

Good luck

Keep us posted.

j-

January 2, 2001
11:17 pm
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running
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J-

Thanks for the response. They are very different individuals. They are having grand mal siezures. The angry twin called and talked for two hours today. He is still angry, but when he talked it was all about how hurt he was that his brother did not care about him. The other twin is staying at a friends house, waiting for his brother to cool down. The room mates are watching after both. Anything we felt could be used as a weapon is locked up. We even locked up everything here at home, as he has a key to our home. The doctor is going to call him tomorrow to ask him to come in to give him the results of the last MRI. The doctor is going to suggest counceling for both brothers as part of treatment. He said that their is a lot of frustration with having their freedom curttailed. (no driving, some of their sports, etc.) Until the right medication is found for them and the seizures are controlled. I also contacted our bishop and he is going to pay them a visit this weekend, which he has done before with goodies from his wife. Our bishop will also get us the name of a good counselor for the family. The twin that is staying away came and spent the night at our home to sleep. We talked about what the root of the problem could be. As I did when the angry twin called today. Both agree that the other one is important to them and means more than the arguement, but want the other one to come to him first to apologize. I told them both life was not fair and that being right is not the important thing. Getting their relationship back on even ground, getting rid of the violent behavior and feeling loved and important to one another was what they need to consentrate on. I told them that they were both important to us and I want to help, but they needed to talk. I told them they should talk with their room mates present or with the bishop, a counselor, the doctor or us present to make sure both were safe. They are stubborn. I have tried not to take sides and not to get deeper involved. So far both have kept in contact to let us know they are safe. I hope by setting up situations with the doctor and the bishop they will have the opportunity to talk without seeing us as getting to involved. They are nineteen. We have always been so close as a family, even talking about things I never thought they would. The suicide was a very big shock. I know he has low self-esteem, but we all try so hard to tell him he is loved and point out all the good about him. I have not called them. Tonight one of their room mates called and told me he is communicating with both of them. The support group they have is large. I know tough love is hard... But I truly think it is the opposite of what is needed. He needs to build his confidence and lose the anger.

Thanks for answering...
Running

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