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how do I help my daughter?
March 28, 2008
10:35 am
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kickcodependency
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September 27, 2010
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hello, I am new to the site but have been a codependent for many years....did alot of recovery work about 15 years ago...but am having some difficulty now with issues that my daughter is having....
my daughter is in her twenties and lives with me....she has been in love with a man for over 2 years that treats her bad...he has a girlfriend that he goes back and forth with at the same time he goes out with my daughter....for over 2 years it has been a nightmare for my daughter....and me to watch it...I have tried and tried to stay out of it as much as possible...there have been horrible times when she has been so down and depresssed that we have had to struggle through....he has hurt her so many times by his going back and forth between 2 girls...she has extreme codependency issues with him and I try my best to offer help and knowledge to her about distancing and pursuing issues, letting go, acceptance....but it is so difficult for me to watch this happening to her.....I absolutely can not tell her what I truly think....I have tried but I can not bring myself to tell her cuz I know it will hurt her so bad....I can see that he plays both sides with these 2 women....and that he uses my daughter for so many things...I really do not know how intimate they have been...she says they are intimate and he tells everyone they are just friends....I am not sure if she knows that he calls her his "friend" ...or if she suspects and uses denial to feel ok with it....I believe he uses her to make himself feel good when he and the other girl are fighting or uses her to make the other one jealous....but I can not bring myself to tell my daughter that..she has no girlfriends because the past 2+ years have revolved around him...so I am the only person she talks to ....and believe me ...some days in our house have been filled with anxiety wrenching codependent hell....it has been a 2+ year nightmare....I am also afraid that if he continues to hurt her she will hurt herself...we have gone through that issue also....I had to take her to the dr. last year for antidepressants because she talked suicide all the time...I am just at a loss over what to do to help her...she will not go to counseling....I have worked so hard to maintain my own peace and detachment from my own codependency issues with her while at the same time trying to help her stay sane...can anyone offer me any advice on how to help her through this....????

March 31, 2008
4:29 pm
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nevereverihope
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September 24, 2010
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counseling/ she has co-dependency issues, and needs help NOW or her whole life will be destroyed, this is a chance for you to help her have a productive happy life with someone who actually cares for her. I learned the hard way, and my life was ripped apart. HELP HER PLEASE

April 1, 2008
4:38 pm
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kickcodependency
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thanks for reply. i do know that she is codependent...the problem is that she refuses to go to counseling...she has a really hard time sharing anything with anyone. I told her yesterday that she should read all my "recovery books" ....and I was going to lay them all out on the coffee table for her but forgot....I will do that today....I figured if she will not go to counseling the most I can do at this point is give her all the info I can.

April 2, 2008
10:51 am
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atalose
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September 24, 2010
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You can’t help your daughter while your own codependency is in full swing.

The fact that your fear about her hurting herself is keeping you from telling her the honest truth about this man means your codependency is getting in the way.

Your daughter needs help and your daughter deserves honesty from you.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 2, 2008
12:08 pm
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kickcodependency
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atalose....

thanks so much for the reality check...it is funny but I knew that already and probly just needed to hear it said from someone else.....

my mother has been telling me that I need to start taking better care of myself .....and that my daughter needs to learn to deal with this on her own....

I do have the fleeting moments of realization that I need to get to work on my own program and that I am backsliding....so I know that I am aware of myself....it is just hard watching this and giving insight to her while trying to maintain boundaries....

I have alot of difficulty with allowing her to feal her own pain....I just cringe at the thought of her feeling pain....and it very difficult for me to watch. But at the same time I do know that she has to feel her own pain in order to grow as a person.....I have really started to work on this...because I do not want to rescue her from feeling pain that will make her a stronger person....I sometimes have to just physically leave the house when she is a mess because if I don't leave for awhile I will get sucked into attempting to rescue her from her pain by taking her mind off of it.....so I just go for a ride in the car or something...

I really did just need to hear it from someone else tho....
so thanks for reply....and please keep posting all....

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