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How Do I Handle It?
December 1, 2001
12:45 am
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Mr. Anonymous
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Well, here I am again, writing about my devastating experience. When I was in the fifth grade, I was molested by three older men. To make matters worse, my brother was present when it took place, fortunately he doesn't remember it. But, I just told one of my fraternity brothers about what happened. He swore to me that he would keep my confidence, and I trust him but a part of me wishes I hadn't said anything b/c that conversation triggered those feelings of guilt & devastation. When it went on, they told me they would stop b/c I was crying, but me being the one who had no friends, and was always ridiculed, I wanted their acceptance. It was like some older kids actually wanted me around. So, I told them they didn't have to stop. I look back now & I regret making that comment to them, but I felt it was the only way that they would accept me, after all, they were the only ones who wanted me around, and I didn't wanna lose their friendship. Now, I feel guilty, like it was my fault that I was molested. I feel so much guilt & I just can't handle it. HELP!!!!!

December 1, 2001
3:13 am
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Mr. Anonymous
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Thanx Blondie,

In response to your questions, my brother was in 4th grade & he saw everything. He became infuriated and very upset. He yelled leave my brother alone, but they were maybe not men (17, 16 & 15) but anyway he being a 4th grader definitely could not overpower them. I remember him asking "Why are you touching him like that?" I told my mother the next day, and she snickered a little. I later found that she really was enraged and the snicker was to keep herself from knocking the perpetrator upside his head. Not to mention, I still haven't told her everything to this day, she knows some of the stuff, but not the horriffic details. Thus she believed that the only aspect that I told her was the only thing that happened. If only she knew . . . I don't think my brother remembers it b/c we just haven't discussed it in a long time ( we're adults now). But, it seems to me that every1 has forgotten about the abuse, every1 except me, the victim. I can never forget them laughing as they undressed my young body. The cold stares in their eyes as they looked at me and with their eyes said "I don't give a fuck about you." Then, they repeatedly touched me inappropriately. Some people tell me that it wasn't rape b/c they didn't penetrate me but I know better. It is sexual assault anytime some1 that old inappropriately touches some1 that young. I believe my guilty feelings come from the fact that I allowed it to happen. I have been to counseling 4 it & my counseling sessions have ended. Sometimes I feel this way & think I may need more counseling. Or, maybe I will have to work on it on my own. I don't know right now, all I know is that what they did to me was wrong. A part of me believes I was responsible 4 saying you don't have to stop b/c I wanted to be accepted. But the other part says that no matter what they were the ones who were old enough to understand what they were doing & chose to do it anyway. I was a child & just didn't understand the seriousness of their actions. Well, I don't know what lies ahead, all I know is to take one day at a time.

December 1, 2001
3:14 am
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Mr. Anonymous
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Oops I didn't mean to write that bad word my fault

December 1, 2001
3:37 am
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philter
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Mr A how ya goin ??
Listen to blondie
You have nothing to feel guilty about ,You know my story ,i know yours i carried around guilt all my life and i have learnt that i had nothing to be guilty about , remember like blondie said we were kids and we really didnt know better ,it is good to tell of what happened to you but it is more important to select very carefully who you tell ,not everyone understands ,and not everyone wants to
especially when you are a male.This isnt an easy thing to live with as you know ,last i heard from you you were still doing counselling and i hope your still going . You have to stop worrying about what the others are going to think about you,you know who you are,you know your strengths and most importantly of all you know were your strength comes from.And there is no reason for your feelings of guilt.I am guilty of heaps of things ,letting my family down ,taking advantage of people to get what i wanted,im guilty of being selfish ,im guilty of selling drugs ,im guilty of taking drugs,im guilty of telling people to go and get dekcuf but i dont let it worry me anymore,its all in the past and now i concentrate on the future and now,i know if i go back to feeling guilty about what i let happen to me and what ive done i ll be as messed up as what i was before.mr a im guilty of letting an old man suck my dick and fondle me im guilty of letting him penetrate me with his dick he done this for six years and fuck i felt guilty and i always did but now i know it was not my fault for when it happened in those years i was conditioned to let it happen what is done is done im guilty of not reporting it whilst he was still alive
fuck im starting to feel guilty again (just jokin)I now hand down my verdict to you ,you have been tried and the jury here has deliberated and we find you not guilty of letting a party of three do those things to you ,you are free to go.Come on mate your past all this now ,your at college or uni what ever it is focus on that kindest regards philter

December 1, 2001
8:04 pm
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Mr. Anonymous
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Thanx Philter,

The support here is really helping me. As I said in the 1st frame, you really do understand, not that every1 else doesn't but being that you too are a male survivor it seems to me that you understand so much better than any1 else ever could & people like you have helped me get through this. I just struggle sometimes w/ the feelings of guilt that resurface. I could be doing fine for years & then just outta nowhere BAM! the guilty feelings take a stronghold. Like today, I'm fine but who knows when my next outbreak will happen & how then will I handle it? I don't know, I just like I said take 1 day at a time, letting God shape each day the way He would like. My favorite gospel song lyrics are from a Jamaican choir: It will be all right no matter the test. It will be all right, He knows what's best. And that's just what I gotta believe.

December 1, 2001
8:43 pm
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Ladeska
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You know....this just makes me sick to my stomach...knowing...that these assholes are loose, on the street, doing it to whoever....without any conscience at all. What about going to the authorities and having these creeps locked up? Something to think about down the road. I don't know what the statute of limitations are in your state... Unfortunately, alot of states say - well, it's from the time you "remember", and the clock starts ticking then, and they might have seven years from that time or whatever. I personally think - there are ways of fighting that though. Get in touch with R.A.I.N.N. They should be able to help you all the way around. Counseling, legally and otherwise.'

You are so brave for being here, for having the heart you do and for surviving and surviving well actually. I am an incest survivor and know about the shame and all the things associated with rape. All the tapes you play in your head are normal but it's not you that's to blame - it's them. They were the predator and you were the prey.

Please contact R.A.I.N.N. and let us know what happens. Just do a search and you'll find it on the web. The thing is, that you need to know here - is you weren't the first and you weren't the last. All victims seem to think - it's because of them and therefore - only them. That isn't true. Perps do everything and everyone in sight they can. You were a child and children will do anything to survive and for acceptance and to fight guilt and shame, etc., etc. It's a protection mechanism. These men aren't just rapists, they are murderers...murderers of the spirit and the heart and sometimes murderers of a life because someone can't take the torture anymore and they end their life. So, please consider going after these guys. Your brother was a witness and he needs to stand up for this as well and do the right thing. I am SO tired of seeing these fucking assholes get away with this!!!!

Also, look at our sponsors here and read the bios. One of them, can't remember which guy - but he is very committed, from what I read to fighting this stuff as well. See if you can connect with him and maybe he can give you some direction as well. (((Hugs))) You really aren't alone, but it sure does feel that way sometimes.....I know....

December 1, 2001
10:41 pm
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Mr. Anonymous
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Thanx Blondie & Ladeska,

And I must say that I completely sympathize with each of your situations. And Ladeska, you were right, they are murderers of life. Within the last few years, I gained 30 lbs b.c. I just stopped caring. I stopped caring about my life, my health, etc. Basically, I wanted to die & just didn't have the courage to pull the trigger. Basically, they destroyed my life. Now, I am in the process of rebuilding it. 1st, I plan to lose all this excess weight. In the past, I have lost the weight during my periods of high & regained it during my low periods when I would return to binge eating. That really gets frustrating. Now, I am in the process of losing the weight once more and this time, it's staying off for good 🙂 As for finding the perpetrators, I couldn't if I wanted to. They used their nicknames at the time that I was molested, and what their real names are, I have absolutely no idea. Only 1 of the perpetrators ( the ring leader so to speak) do I even remember what he looked like. And the only reason I remember what he looked like is b/c he was doing most of it. The others just helped him. I don't know if my mind has blocked it out or not, but in a line up, I would only be able to positively identify one of them. I agree with you Ladeska, it does make me sick that these sick perverts get away with doing things like this. But, they will have to answer to a higher authority one day. The biggest thing is that I have no definite proof (or do I?) I don't know, but I will look n2 it & see if charges can be pressed b/c if I can get it done, I will.

December 3, 2001
9:45 pm
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pg lova
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Mr. A,

How are you doing now? I was reading your post & I greatly sympathize with your situation. Know that you are not responsible, no indeed you aren't. You were in the 5th grade, these men were 17,16, and 15. Do you know how huge that gap is? You are not to blame. They had sound reasoning ability & were old enough to fully understand what they were doing. You were just a child & simply stated you didn't know! Don't you let me ever hear you say it was your fault again! You are not responsible 4 a wrong some1 committed to your body. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Always remember that.

God Bless,

PG Lova

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