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how do i get the snake out of my house
August 30, 2007
1:24 am
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melting point
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I am new to this and very raw right now. This thread is something that I can relate to. I feel like an idiot for putting up with my partner for this long (5 years). I discovered that he had been cheating on me once too many times and I threw him out 7 months ago. He wanted to work on reconciliation and I caved. He has been moving his stuff and his son back into my home over the past 3 months. On his final trip to retrieve his stuff, he left his lap top on the bed and I looked. I discovered that he had had 3 affairs during our separation and had just sent an email to a new lover telling her how much he missed her and couldn't wait to see her again. I am shattered. It has been 5 days now, he has just moved back in and is sleeping in the family room. His son is autistic and so happy to be back with me. I have a meeting with the boys social worker to arrange care so that he will not be a victim right now. Oh what a mess. They need to go but it won't be easy. I can't stand the sight of him and am angry that I gave him this chance. My gut tells me to hire a moving van, get all of his stuff out, change the combination on the locks and move my son in for a while. Any advice.

August 30, 2007
4:15 am
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wannabe
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I always get so mad when I see what we women put up with in the name of love.

his son is not your responsibility, don't get tied to this guy in the name of protecting his son.

Next time he wants to reconcile, don't rush to move in together, you can have a relationship when each of you stays at their respective houses.

a relationship not built on trust can never stand, the fact that you are snooping on his laptop shows clearly you don't trust him, let it go.

August 30, 2007
4:17 am
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wannabe
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about the how to

it sounds he has not finished moving in his stuff has he? if not hire a car to take back his stuff to his address then let him know you just did that.

August 30, 2007
4:26 am
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foolfoolfool
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Hi Melting pot.

I have recently woken up from a very long spell in la la land. I put up with my manipulating lying cheating ex for 4 years. My problem was that i "thought" i was in "love" and overlooked way too many things because i thought i was being a good & forgiving person.

Truth is, if i let her, we would play "catch me if you can" until i was old & grey.
I would scream & cry & beg her to stop hurting me & as sincere as she seemed about her love for me, as soon as i turned around she was at it again... not a second thought for my feelings or the consequences of her actions.

I hope you can look at this for what it is Melting. He's moving back in with you. I imagine you were expecting a commited relationship? From the contents on his laptop it seems he has very different ideas...

Perhaps a caretaker for his son?

My advice to you is to ask him to leave NOW. Dont waste another minute. It doesnt seem like a very sincere type of man and it looks like if you "overlook" this laptop incident then you are just giving him the go ahead to treat you like crap.

good luck
FFF

August 30, 2007
6:24 am
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thedogsmom
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the only way to get the snake out of the house...is to DECIDE if that is what you truly want. And to follow-through with what your gut is telling you to do. To get the Snake out of the house- you have to Put the snake out of the house.
That means telling not asking him to leave and changing the locks. If you are still unable to break all ties with him.....love him from a distance.
You are NOT responsible for his autistic son. While I feel sorry for his son as I'm sure you do, He is Dad's responsiblity and for Now -- the only way to break away from this toxic relationship is to let him go and let him handle his own affairs including his son.
Perhaps -- in the future-- after you 'awaken' and your feelings start to change ..you may be able to carry on a friendship...with he and his son...for now... it's probably best if you could detach..and let him go while you continue to sort out your hurt feelings.
All you have to do is speak the truth to him. Let him know that you were once again let down by his lack of commitment to you and the relationship..that due to his cheating and untrustworthiness...that you continue to be unable to trust him..and therefore you did snoop on his laptop and found that your suspicions were right....and that now you need him to leave so you can..think about what you want to do.
Be strong and follow your gut.
TDM

August 30, 2007
11:59 am
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nappy
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Even if you hadn't look into his laptop, you would of still been feeling like you do right now.
All of your feelings that you have now is there and you haven't deal with them yet because this snake has crawl himself right back into that hole that he came from.
Even with all of the information that you know about this snake, you still continue to let this snake crawl right back into that same hole.
Don't let him use his son in order to crawl back into that hole. Plug up that hole so that snake can keep going, if not you are going to be right back on this thread really trying to get him out.
This snake has more then one place to go to, it just that this snake had to see which one of his lady friend was going to take the bite into what he is trying to do, and guess what.
He caught one!!!!!!!!!!!!
If this is truly what you WANT, then tell the snake that HIM AND HIS SON has to go. Tell him that you haven't gotten over the other hurts that he have put on you and you is not ready for the new hurt that he will be bringing on.
Don't let someone else mess be your own. Don't get tangle up into something that you can prevent before it even happen.
Nappy!

August 30, 2007
3:26 pm
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fantas
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To get rid of the snake, fumigate your heart and the house. Make it impossible for him to stay or even come back in again. Hiring a van to move him out is the quickest way to do this although, I wouldn't spend an extra dime on him. He'd have to move himself out just like he is moving himself in. Like the others have suggested, his son is not your responsibility and you need to let his father take care of him. This fellow is using you because he knows you are a caretaker and can be easily manipulated through sympathy for his son. Stay strong and keep posting.

August 31, 2007
8:26 pm
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cailindeas
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Hi Melting Pot

Go girls!!!! I just love all this women supporting eachother. I had to leave someone with a child and felt very bad as I lost touch with the child and always felt guilty over that but now he's 21 and emailing me and you know what he doesn't blame me he is just happy to know I am out there! (I actually found out he has not got a good relationship with Dad any more. I was the one who held the family together and tried to hide my exes worst stuff from his son.)

Any step parent feels guilt in your situation but forcing a child to live in conflict is not right either. You just have to make the best of it and move this snake out of your house. I think snake is appropriate because the guys that we attract are very slippery and find it easy to wriggle into little gaps in our boundaries. Block them all up. He should go back under that rock he crawled out from!!!All the best to you and your stepson.

September 2, 2007
11:50 pm
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melting point
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Your advise is all proactive and great. I'm plugging up holes, one at a time and day by day I'm getting stronger. I actually feel less stressed without the two of them around but I must admit I am lonely. The house is so tidy and quiet. I know that life will be better and that I have learned a lot about myself and other's. I have my ups and downs, but I have my own grown up children to occupy my time and some day, if it's in the cards, I'll meet someone new. I just hope that I won't always be jaded and untrusting. Thank you,

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