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How do I get out?
March 21, 2001
3:10 pm
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klara
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September 27, 2010
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Hi to all:
This is my first time here. My story is probably not unique. Have been in a very unhealthy relationship for over 5yrs--on again off again. Have moved away 4-5times, but he always finds me, and I end up taking him back. He finds the right words to say, and I keep hoping that he means it this time, that it'll be different this time. He lost everything over the past 3yrs to meth. use--job, house, car, visitation with a child. I've experienced physical and verbal abuse, stealing, cheating (two women over the past 2yrs, a new baby with one of them while both were on dope), lying....And yet, I am having a very difficult time kicking him out. He lives with me now--I started my own business 1 1/2yrs ago, which is quite demanding and stressful, and am fully supporting him financially. If I throw him out, he will be homeless, hungry, maybe dead.
Please help.

March 21, 2001
5:49 pm
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gingerleigh
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September 30, 2010
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Let me see if I understand this... you've been abused physically and verbally, been taken advantage of financially, been cheated on repeatedly... sounds dreamy...

*cough*

I also understand that not only are you capable of supporting yourself, but you ARE supporting yourself AND him.

Go back and reread your thread, sweetie. What would you advise Klara to do?

March 22, 2001
11:30 am
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Ladeska
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No one can help you.... You don't want help if you've put up with this much abuse. No one can help - but you. You obviously get something reinforced inside yourself - by the abuse. You believe some nasty things about yourself - that you deserve this kind of treatment and that you need to earn love. Therefore - you need him as much as he needs you. You need him to reinforce your own twisted belief system about who "you" are. If you don't have it with him, I dare say - you will go find the exact same treatment with someone else.

The problem lies deeply rooted in your own self esteem and won't get fixed by anyone reaching in towards you. You have the key to unlock the door, but you have to stop feeding yourself poison long enough to unlock it. You have all the power to stop this abuse and yet you don't. I'm sure you are a very resourceful person, probably quite bright and would go the extra mile for alot of reasons and some people. But, you won't do it for you - why is that? This is the only help I can or anyone else can give you. Until you answer that question.....you are going to continue to get the poisonous reward from your actions by allowing him to keep doing this. You....are setting up the dominoes to fall in a certain fashion because you need to affirm your own belief about yourself and what you deserve. It's by "your" hand - not his. You....are allowing all of this....

A good book is "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud. Also, you might pick up an interesting book called "People of the Lie" by Dr. Scott Peck.

March 22, 2001
12:22 pm
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Sal
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Sounds like Ladeska has some experience-- take heed!

Take care for yourself...

March 22, 2001
4:51 pm
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Molly
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Just in case your feeling beat up,get off the victim mode, and do what you need to do. Sometimes we are confused, get more confused, and just when things are going better, functioning as best one can while injured, or ill, they sneak back in and continue the abuse and more confusion. The above posts are clear incase you have never had and direction before. The above is truth. Please take action, there will be support here for you if you do. Just remember Paul Simon's 50 ways to leave your "abuser" hit the road Jack.

March 22, 2001
7:39 pm
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Alena
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September 24, 2010
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Klara,
From what you've told us about his recent past, he's a survivor. I doubt very much that he would be homeless or dead. I think he can function just swell without you, but I think you should be more concerned with why you feel the need to have him in your life. Boot him out, be serious, go get some badly needed help on boosting your self esteem. You are a strong person with alot to offer some other guy. Make sure the next one has alot to offer you too. Let this one go, you'll be amazed at how good you feel to be free. Good luck. Keep us posted.

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