Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
How do I get by Infidelity?
May 29, 2007
6:59 pm
Avatar
StarEyes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hello,

My husband and I have been married for 7 years, and he cheated on me a few years ago, and I suspect that he may have again, new friends, without the sexually. We were separated for over 3 years, he left and move in with a woman he met on a trip. He is a formal drug addict, and he has been clean for over 15 years. When I first found out about his infidelity, I sought counseling. My counselor explained that some drugs addicts, go from one addiction to another. I realized now that he still is in contact with a woman he had over a 2 year relationship while we were married. However, that was not the woman he left me for. The woman he left me for was a former addict herself. After about two years he was back stating, that he always wanted me and the relationship was not what I thought it was. In the meantime, he admitted to several other relationships which took me for a loop.

Today we are back together,and I feel we are heading down the same path. I read text messages that implied he had spoken with the former friend. His excuse was he wanted to contact her mother to get information about his rights as a father from Social services. Her mother is in charge of that area. Sorry for typing all over the place, but am I wrong for asking him to cut all ties. Why can't he let go? Why does he need her in his life. I'm at the point in my life that I need to say it's over, I can't trust you, and I really don't feel the same. We have good days however, things pop up. Our sexual life is down to nothinhg. Maybe once every two months, unless I initiate it myself. Believe or not everything else is great, so what's the problem? Women call his cell, don't leave message but will text because they can be easily deleted. This particular lady of two years, left a message and said I was being insecure, however she left a message asking my husband for money. I'm really at a lost, and maybe I just don't want to face reality.

What does it all mean? Is everybody just a friend and it doesn't mean anything. He comes home every night and doesn't party or drink. He will give me anything I want within our means, and he proclaims I'm the love of his life. Is this all possible? Why do I have the gut feeling of dealing with a dishonest man?

I would appreciate any advice I can get, especially from someone who has been the one who committed infidelity, or who has knowledge of this situation.

May 29, 2007
7:29 pm
Avatar
fantas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I haven't committed adultery but I have been cheated on. I do have friend who cheats on his partner and has many lady "friends" who text and call him. Of course he says that there is nothing going on and his partner, who is my friend as well, is always an emotional wreck every time he leave town. My friend who cheats say that he has an addiction to women and he hates being a lone. He says that he feels realy bad when he cheats, he knows it's wrong, he loves his partner, but he hates feeling a lone. I'd say, live the life you want, the life that will make you happy regardless of whether or not your partner cheats. I don't think your husband, like my friend, gets just how hurtful it's to be cheated on and he is not willing to do whatever it would take to get your trust again. If he was, he would be completely tranparent, he would be emotionally, pychologically and sexually attentive to you. He'd go to therapy. More importantly, you would feel it in your gut that he is changing. The fact that you feel like he is back to his old tricks probably means that that's exactly what he is doing. Put yourself first. perhaps go to therapy as well.... Hang in there. Keep posting.

May 29, 2007
7:44 pm
Avatar
loverbee
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am going to say this having been cheated on and being a cheater myself (not something I am proud of). I think if he had never cheated or given you a reason to mistrust his devotion to you then it would be wrong to ask him to do this. But he has cheated and he has lied. so therefore he has problems staying faithful and he should be understanding of your wishes. However, you need to seriously consider why you are still in this relationship if you don't trust him. And if you don't then will you ever be able to again? cause trust is the number one element of a good and healthy relationship.

May 29, 2007
8:56 pm
Avatar
bonni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I don't know if you can restore what's been broken. Certainly not by demands on your part. If he came to you truly and sincerely desiring to make a change in this area, but he hasn't. We can only change ourselves and our expectations of others.

bonni

May 30, 2007
10:32 am
Avatar
glittered when he walked
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

having been on both ends of this issue i can tell you the best way to get by infidelity...put your turn signal on, stomp on the accelerator and turn the wheel ; ) kidding...humor helps sometimes.

he violated your trust and that can't be regained overnight. Getting by it is a step by step thing. it can be done. The question is..do you want to? Is the past violation the cause of the suspicion, or is your gut telling you something else.

you are not wrong for asking him to sever ties w/ other woman. That's the rpice you come by and dammit you are worth it.

May 30, 2007
10:45 pm
Avatar
bonni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

She can ask him to sever ties all day long, but until he decides to do it, asking is fruitless. Its only when he decides that he wants only her that she will be able to trust. I don't want my husband to forsake all other women because I asked him to, but because he wants only me. I think there's a big difference.

bonni

June 6, 2007
6:14 pm
Avatar
fantas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

If you are willing to take him back, you have to be willing to forgive him. He needs to be compeletly transparent if he wishes to change, but you can't give him a life sentence either.

June 6, 2007
8:38 pm
Avatar
red blonde
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Stareyes -

I used to trust the men that I loved. I used to forgive my first and second husbands of their infidelities (didn't know that they had cheated AGAIN before we were divorced.) Third husband....NO. I guess I had to learn 'fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." After the first time third husband cheated, that was it, I could no longer trust nor forgive nor forget nor be happy.

But this is only my experiences with infidelity, does not necessarily have to be that way with you. You will have to make the decision. Can you live with the infidelity? Would you be able to trust him again? Would you always be suspicious of him? Will you try and PUNISH him because of it?

Long time ago, a friend's husband cheated on her. They stayed together because of the children. She slowly went from a happy healthy smiling person to a bitter, resentful, unhappy, unhealthy and punishing person who is eating herself to death. She is, sadly, no longer my friend. He never cheated on her again, but she could not stop herself from being suspicious, could not forgive him, or forget, nor ever trust him again.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
48
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110905
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38534
Posts: 714189
Newest Members:
sendlv, ViolentFighterBrownCaveman, kbrfDazy, traceyob69, JohnMeave, EthanDiord
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer